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|              л        л     л  л л  л л  л        л          Series #2  |
Г              л  лллл  ллллллл  л  лл  л  лллллл   ллллллл    Issue  #2  Г
|              л     л  л     л  л      л  л              л     11/12/95  |
Г              ллллллл  л     л  л      л  ллллллл  ллллллл               Г
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Un-Releastic:  "I have never played a game I didn't like."  -Stew Pid Fewl
Realistic   :  "FUCK, This game sucks more than all those releases
                that aren't working!."   -Ionizer

(Please note, The Game Review (c) Ionizer, will be released every SUNDAY, if)
(you miss it, it will also be included in the week's edition of Inquisition.)

SCANTRON QUIZ:        
        What pisses you off the most about downloading games?
        (a) Those fucking overnight aborted downloads.
        (b) When they are fucking fake releases.
        (c) Finding out it's some EGA old crap.
        (d) All of the above!

-If you even had to ANSWER this question, well the solution is here.  Upon
POPULAR DEMAND: It's back, it's better then before, and it's got the GAYEST
ascii at the top AND THE BOTTOM!
-Do you live for games?  Do you want to play games every second of your life?
Do you find yourself pondering over where there are hidden rooms in doom2
while eating dinner with your family? if so then you need a LIFE, but that's
besides the point.

-       *       -       *       -       *       -       *       -       *   -
*       -       *       -       *       -       *       -       *       -   *

-NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW N.. "ok shutup and tell us what's new already!"-----
New in the review, will be a section that includes the following; Top Selling
Games and Release Dates for Upcoming Games!

 GAME REVIEWS, RATINGS, UN-BIASED OPINIONS, HELP/TIPS FOR INSTALLING GAMES!
 [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

-Rating scale:
                 (0-20)/100 = In a nutshell, it sucked!
                (21-40)/100 = Still crap but slightly better.
                (41-50)/100 = Possibly worth downloading.
                (51-70)/100 = Pretty decent game. Might want to check it out.
                (71-80)/100 = Worth the download if you like that type.
                (81-89)/100 = Very good, 9 outta 10 its worth the download.
                (90-99)/100 = Excellent game, a MUST download.
                    100/100 = HOLY SHIT I'VE NEVER SEEN A BETTER GAME!

-Enough of the crap, it's time for the reviews.  The format is usually like
this.  Name of game, group, # of disks, review, rating.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                            THE GAME REVIEW
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

=Serious Pinball 2000=
        ROR, 1.7 megs.  I know I've played these two tables before.  Includes
the "rocket" table and the "gravyard" table (Outer space/Scary themes).  It's
the outdated pinball type boards of old times.  Nothing special, and to add
to it, the Graveyard pinball's sound was fucked up.  Decent small pinball if
that's what you're looking for.  Oh, did I forgot to mention 2 letters? SW!
                                RATING: 39/100

=The Nemesis Mission=
        Tdujam, 8 disks.  Class, can we say "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome"?  That's
exactly what you'll get after playing this one for more than 15 minutes.  You
are a ship, you roam the little playing area and shoot at asteroids. Speaking
of asteroids, thats exactly what this game is like, except in VGA & for win.
Just have fun banging away at the shift key and blowing up shit until sumtin
good comes out.  However 8 disks for this sucker is a bit too much.
                                RATING: 42/100

=The Jungle Book=
        Tdujam (surprise surprise a floppy), 3 disks.  If you can get the it
out of your mind that it's a kiddie game, you might be able to find it some-
what enjoyable.  It's practically a lot like the Lion King game release about
a year ago.  Your that jungle dude, you have to find the dimaonds.  You swing
from vines, jump around, kill creatures etc.  Nice graphics and assortment of
characters and scenery.  Despite the fact that many will look at it and say,
"kiddie crap" it's a very well layed out game, especially for its small size.
PS: Don't be doing something important when you go to play this, b/c the only                                
    way to exit, is that big button on your computer that says "RESET".
                                RATING: 79/100

=Earthworm Jim=
        RPC, 8 disks.  Yes it works, but it's just some beta or homemade shit
certainly not final release.  It looks homemade, or like a beta.  It has no
sound and the graphics fuck up.  Although if it had sound, and worked 100% it
would be decent.  Since it would be easy to classify games from now on, I'll
refer to this as the Super Mario Gameplay (SMG), where you walk around and
shoot things, and kill other characters.
                                RATING: 10/100

=Mafia 2=
        Don't work.  Install.exe just reboots computer.
                                RATING: NA/100

=Ran Soccer -German-=
        I decided to give it a shot, I was able to install my soundcard, and
learn that "Ja is german for yes, and nein is german for no".  However the
game didn't load, it just exited with some crap in german.
                                RATING: NA/100

=Fifa Demo '96=
        <Better late then never>.  It seems that all too many games are
moving away from the fast action arcade fun to the more sophisticated number
playing games.  But I'm happy to report that this is not one of them.  The
game is still fun, flows nicely, and has great action.  And according to the
menu, it will have modem play.  Now if only they would let ME define my keys.
Anyhow, the game looks to be a great hit, however it may be a little to big
for it to be ripped and still enjoyed.
                                RATING: 82/100

=Stonekeep Playable Demo=
        It's not playable if it don't work.  The usual CD problems that you
can't solve no matter what you do.
                                RATING: NA/100

=Stonekeep CD=
        Tdujam, and a measly 35 disks.  Jesus, by the time this thing was
done loading it was the next day.  I would estimate the actual time it takes
from when you type "sk" till the game begins, on a 486/33, to be about 2 min.
My hd spinned more than it has it's entire lifetime.  The game is your doom
catacomb atmosphere, with the rpg style fighting and keeping of weapons.
You can't complain about the details and graphics in this one, but for 35
disks it damn well better have good graphics.  It's still nothing to get all
hiped up about, as it's just another RPG wasting away 88 megs installed.
                                RATING: 50/100

=Actua Soccer=
*Before the fix:        
        Hoodlum <thought they were dead, probably are since...>, 8 disks.
"Can't read data file".  Ok that's nice.  "Can't play game."  "Can't rate
a game you can't play."  "Error #634bs482release35 has occured".  Get the pt?
                                RATING: BS/100
*After the fix:
        Hoodlum?  Back from the dead?  Wow, and impressive release too.  The
intro was kinda neat, nice sound to it.  However the sound seem to be lost
during the game, simply b/c, there was NONE.  The game is soccer, but with
those virtua fighter looking characters.  The game is also not full screen.
The movement is fine, and the graphics are semi decent.  However the camera
angles can get a big annoying, because it forces your movement towards a
destination to change to left or left-right, etc.  Overall I think I'm still
a little stunned that it works.
                                RATING: 66/100

=Gameboy=
        You've seen the emulator, you've seen those thousands of packs being
offered, but your just too damn fucking lazy to get it and try it out.  Well,
that is the reason you're reading this isn't it?  Yes it does work.  It is
slow, it has no sound, and it is B&W.  There's over 215 games out, thanks to
GWA for the release of them.  The games bring back memories, and it's just
kinda neat to be able to say you have 215 gameboy games on your PC.
                        Gameboy RATING: 51/100 (creativity)

=Jazz Jackrabbit Holiday Hare=
        He's back!  Jazz Jackrabbit is back in the holiday edition.  Sorry,
but he's not going to make Aunt Thelma's turkey taste any better, and he's
not going to take away the humilating clothing your grandma bought you for
christmas/chanukah, but he will provide you with 5 minutes of nonstop, heart
beating, SW action.  Nothing different then the orig. cept the scenery.
                                RATING: 48/100

=Radix, Beyond the Void=
        Anothe....heart pound...zzzz..OH sorry, um right, another heart
pounding Epic Megagames.  Doom atmosphere in a ship, wow something new <G>.
Annoying soundtrack, and crappy sound effects.  Maybe the other two missions
in the reg. version will really kick ass!   Pff right, and maybe dragon will
release something in english (j/k guys ya know i love ya).  Not much else to
say about this one.
                                RATING: 41/100

=Tyrian Full Final CD=
        RazorCD,3disks.whyAMiTYPINGw/oSPACESyouMAYmayBEasking.Wellthatsb/cim
tiredfromholdingdownthespacebartoplaythisgame.ThisissupposedtobetheFINALFULL
CD,butafterplayingitforawhole5minutesIdontseeanythingdifferentfromtheFINAL
FULLCDIalreadyd/l.I'llquotetherazorcdnfoforthereview:
        "Razor CD is proud to present Tyrian full CD from Epic Mega Games,
        one of the best verticle scrolling shoot 'em up games ever.  The
        game delivers heart pounding music, dynamite sound effects, and
        unbelievable graphics that will blow you away.  Tyrian lets you
        challenges friends over modem (2 ppl) or via network."
                                RATING:50/100

=Fighter Duel=
        Tdujam, 3 disks.  Damn, I was really hoping to have a fun dog fight.
        "TDU-JAM! proudly presents:  FIGHTER DUEL from PHILIPS! This is cool
        modem play compatible dog-fighting game.  Expect yet much more from
        TDU-JAM! today..."
Fear a bunch of pitbulls attacking each other.  Kick the shit out of some
poodle <G> (No I'm not retarded.)  But alas, it needs a crack, for cdemu2 and
subst just won't do the job.
                                RATING: NA/100

=Destruction Derby=
-Install Notes: Run your cdrom (mscdex) and make sure there is a data cd in        
                your cdrom drive.  The follow the directions in the nfo!
        Tdujam, 6 disks.  OH MY!  This baby was worth the wait, and pain in
the ass installing instructions.  It's nascar, but bumper car style!  Theres
a special part of the game just meant for you to crash and bash!!  This game
has decent sound fx, and a funny announcer, with funny voices.  It even has
modem capablities.  This is a must download for any racing enthusiast, or
anyone looking for a game that's fun.
                                RATING: 91/100

=Tang Chi=
        Tdujam, 4 disks.  First off it worked, that alone deserves a cheer.
The game is sort of like those brain teasers you'd be given in grade school
in project venture or some smartass program.  You have to fit the differently
shaped pieces so that they match the shadow'ed puzzle on the right.  You are
timed, and you got some nice oriental chinese restaraunt music in the back-
ground.  I couldn't get the first puzzle on 3 attempts, but then again it's
1:48am.  Overall it could provide some brain teasing fun.
                                RATING: 67/100

=MPC Battle Chess 100% CD=
        Velocity, 7 disks.  100% NOT WORKING!  Yet another, cd check problem.
Someone need's to start a revolution of "Game Testing Before Releasing".
                                RATING: NA/100

=The Elder Scrolls, Chp 2: Daggerfall Demo=
        Doom atmoshphere, with that rpg twist.  Nice sound effects, and looks
like it will have great characters and options.
                                RATING: 63/100

=The Dame Was Loaded, Nonplayable Preview=
        Wow, it was like watching a full motion movie.  I thought I was a
game critic, not Siskel and Ebert.  Didn't even look like a game.  Full
motion video, and it wasn't just 3 seconds long either.  If they make the
entire game like this, it'll only be around 500 CD's.  Check out the cleavage
on the `dame'.
                           RATING: Two thumbs up

=Quake Fake=
        Someone actually had to make an effort to put this one together.
What it does: Loads that beginning screen with all those init's and crap that
you know from doom/doom2, then after that's done, it shows a little disk in
the bottom right flickering as if it were loading.  Then it splatters some
crap colors and reboots your computer.  No harm or viruses noticed in it, at
least I hope not.
                                RATING: fake/100
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                            TOP 5 SELLERS     
----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
ENTERTAINMENT 
    1. Mortal Kombat 3 CD-ROM
    2. Command and Conquer CD-ROM
    3. Stonekeep Demo CD-ROM
    4. Ascendancy CD-ROM
    5. Phantasmagoria CD-ROM
 
EDUTAINMENT
    1. Winnie the Pooh storybook CD-ROM 2. Dr. Seuss Windows CD-ROM   
    2. Dr. Seuss Windows CD-ROM
    3. Orgeon Trail II CD-ROM
    4. Puut Putt Saves the Zoo CD-ROM
    5. SAT version2 MPC CD-ROM
 
PRODUCTIVITY
    1. SoftRAM for Windows 95
    2. Windows 95 CD-ROM
    3. Microsoft Encarta 1996 - Windows 95 CD-ROM
    4. Win 95 & SimCity 2000 CD-ROM bundle
    5. MS-PLUS for Win 95
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                            UPCOMING RELEASE DATES
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
=Windows CD=
       3-D Table Sports          11/09/95
       Allied General            11/20/95
       Bttlgrnd:Gettysbrg        11/15/95
       Chessmates                01/01/96
       CivNet                    11/20/95
       Congo                     11/10/95
       Dinotopia                 11/15/95
       Dragon Dice               01/01/96
       Empire II                 12/01/95
       FPS:Football 96           11/17/95
       FRANKENSTEIN              11/03/95
       Gabriel Knight 2          11/30/95
       Hoyles Classics           11/10/95
       Last Dynasty              10/31/95
       Police Quest 5 SWAT       11/20/95
       Romance IV                12/01/95
       Shivers                   11/15/95
       Spr Bubsy/WIN95           02/01/96
       T-Mek                     11/15/95
       This Means War            12/07/95
       Timon&Pumba               11/13/95
       Torin's Passage           11/16/95
 
=Windows 95 CD=
       Doom II                   12/08/95
       Full Tilt                 11/16/95
       Knight Moves              11/10/95
       Shockwave                 12/06/95
       Solitaire DLX             12/04/95
       The Hive                  11/03/95
       Thextor 2                 11/07/95
       Ult Doom: Flesh           12/15/95
       Warhammer                 11/13/95
 
=Windows Diskette= 
       Spaceward Ho!             12/06/95

=Dos CD=
       ***11th Hour Demo         11/25/95
       ***CYBERJUDAS             11/10/95
       ***Doom 2 Ex Lvls         01/01/96
       ***Grand Prix 2           11/30/95
       ***HARVESTER              11/10/95
       ***JET FIGHTER III        01/01/96
       ***MAGIC/GATHERING        03/01/96
       ***Rebel Assault II       11/21/95     
       ***Shannara               11/17/95
       ***THE 11TH HOUR          11/24/95
       ***THE DIG                11/21/95
       Braindead 13              11/17/95
       Chronomaster              11/13/95
       Clayfighter 2             01/01/96
       Colonization Gold         04/01/96    
       Fighter Duel              11/03/95
       Flying Tigers             11/10/95
       Maximum Roadkill          01/01/96
       MetalLords                11/20/95
       Mile High Club II         01/01/96
       Red Ghost                 11/15/95
       Ripper                    11/22/95
       Screamer                  11/15/95
       Sensory Overload          01/01/96
       Shadows Over Riva         02/01/96
       Visions/Glory             11/15/95
       War Patrol                01/01/96
       Warcraft II               11/20/95
       Warhammer                 12/01/95
       Wing Commander 4          12/22/95
       Wooden Ships&Iron Men     11/26/95
       X-Car:Exp Racing          12/01/95
       Zone Raiders              11/15/95
       Silent Hunter             12/15/95
       Space Hulk 2              12/01/95
       Spr Strt Fighter          11/13/95
       Star Control 3            12/01/95
       Star Rangers              11/13/95
       Starship                  02/01/96
       Stonekeep                 11/06/95
       Str Trk Jdgmnt Rts        10/31/95
       Term:Future Shock         12/01/95
       The Dig                   11/21/95
       Third Reich               05/01/96
       Unnecsry Rghns 96         11/22/95
       V for Victory             11/01/95
       Virt Pool Bndl            11/06/95
       Mortimer                  01/01/96
       Navy Strike               11/15/95
       NBA Jam TE                11/15/95
       NBA Live 96               01/01/96
       Nemesis                   03/01/96
       Net Racer                 01/01/96
       NFL Football/Aikman       12/12/95
       Nicklaus@Muirfield        12/11/95
       Northlands                12/01/95
       Old Time Basebll          11/17/95
       Pax Imperia               01/15/96
       Pinball Classics          12/01/95
       Pro Pinball:Web           11/24/95
       Pro Pinball:Web           11/24/95
       Promised Land             02/01/96
       Psychc Detcv              12/22/95
       Gangster Coll             11/15/95
       Ganster Bundle            11/15/95
       Gretzky NHLPA             11/14/95
       H! Zone                   11/15/95
       Hyper 3-D Pinball         12/01/95
       Ice & Fire                11/10/95
       IndyCar II                11/15/95
       Island Casino             11/22/95
       Jack The Ripper           11/20/95
       Jagged H2H                03/01/96
       Jet Ski Rage              11/30/95
       Jetfighter III            01/01/96
       Klingon                   11/15/95
       Konquest                  03/01/96
       Lion King ActvtyCtr       11/01/95
       Locus                     11/15/95
       Lost Admiral II           11/15/95
       Conquest/New World        02/01/96
       Corporate Colonies        01/01/96
       Crystal Skull             03/18/96
       Cyber Judas               11/10/95
       Cyberia 2                 01/15/96
       Cybermage                 12/11/95
       Daggerfall                01/01/96
       Dawn Patrol               11/15/95
       Descent Levels            11/10/95
       Descent SHWR              11/10/95
       Dragon's Lair II          03/01/96
       Druid                     11/17/95
       Empire Builder            12/01/95
       Escalation                11/20/95
       ***Tie Fighter CD         12/04/95
       ***Top Gun                11/27/95
       ***Toy Story              01/01/96
       3D Action Pack            12/15/95
       Absolute Zero             11/17/95
       Adams Pinball             12/01/95
       Adv Civilization          11/20/95
       Adv Tactical Fighters     12/01/95
       AH-64D Longbow            12/01/95
       Anvil of Dawn             11/15/95
       Atmosfear                 01/10/96
       Aweful Green Things       12/10/95
       Battlcrsr 3000            11/20/95
       Battles in Time           11/15/95

=Dos Diskette=
       ***Doom 2 Xtra Lvl        01/01/96
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                CLOSING
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Please note, due to my refusal to install that crap you know as Win95, I am
of course not able to review win95 games.
-That's it for this week, hope it was of help.  
                          -Ionizer (INQ. Game Reviewer/MALiCE Senior Courier)
Comments/Complaints send to ionizer@cw.bridge.net (NO QUESTIONS OR REQUESTS!)
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