Netmonkey Weekly Report
Issue XXI
Oktoberfeust 26!, 1998






	Another week, another bunch of shit. But we are actually on
    time this week, or pretty god damn close to it! We made alot of
    progress, next week we will have some ascii's to go with the text
    version and in the coming weeks expect to see our coded version.
    We do have a diz though, so thank god for that. We have Jaydee's
    report again and part 2 of the STH saga. And I've received alot
    of msgs from people asking us to really expand and report the
    news and things. So we will do our best, but feel free to volunteer
    to help out, or give us the scoop on a story, anyways enjoy and
    see you next week.

                                         Lester [Co-Editor/Head Writer]



	Another week.. ... etc..
    Glad to see some sites come back.. hope more come back soon.
    This mag will soon be coded, offered on IRC, hosted on its own
    domain, and have a 1/2 hour primetime special on FOX every Friday
    night.. ("When Couriers Attack!!")... or smth like that.. we are
    still in negotiations with them on the title.. ;p
	Anyways, its nice to see the mag take off like this, and its
    good to know ppl are reading us.. To all the site-ops out there
    who are nuking the mag: Wake the fuck up! .. what is 5k of crap going
    to do to you? Let the magazine filter through your site, and then
    down to some other sites, where currys who may not be "elite" enough
    to have access to it can freely grab it...
	To all you other siteops out there that are supporting us: thanks!
    	Oh, and... thanks to PaleDeth for doing us a .diz!!    ;]

                                         ndetroit [Co-Editor/Head Fatass]




-----------[ index ]-----------

   I.)   Intro
               a) Lester
               b) ndetroit

   II.)  Stats - Weekly Stats, and comments on Sites.
   III.) JAYDEE'S (UN?)Biased Courier Report

   IV.)  Articles
               a) PaleDeth and his Aerosmith Obsession - PaleDeth
               b) Movie Review - Apt Pupil
               c) Lesters Story - "Stairway to Heaven", Part II

   V.)   Scene News - All the news thats fit to print

   VI.)  Rumors! (yes! we have rumors this week!!)

   VII.) Closing


-----------[ ndetroit's sites and stats section ]-----------


	Hrmm... things seem to be a bit better this week than last..
  Looks like ET made a comeback after the IP scare, and a few other
  sites are back in action too.. so, nice too see...
	There wasn't a lot of megs released this week, for some
  reason, tho... wacky.. That will change soon, i imagine, as xmas is
  right around the corner, and we all know how crazy things get at that
  time of year..

	If any of you siteops out there feel like helping me out, and
  giving me or Lester your weektops at the end of the week, that would
  make me all happy and peachy and shit... save me a lot of work, anyway..
	Thanks a bunch duranged, you saved my ass this week.. heh.. heheh..
  heh.. i said "ass"... heh.. cool.. heheh.....
	Hrmm... lets see, what else?... i heard IC was coming back soon,
  but then..i hear that every week, and do i see it back? nope.
	I put FF on the list this week.. Its a decently fast site, has
  a lot of good ppl trading to it, and its pretty damn consistent.
  But basically, i put it on the list, because i don't see a lot of
  sites out there that are really standout sites any more.. Thats
  too bad.. i guess they have all been narked...  ;(
	Uhh.. is E back up, or what? someone gave me a weektop from
  it, but the none of the usual gang of traders seem to be on it..
  Does E suck now, or what, ppl? In light of the fact that i wasn't
  sure whether or not i got the right E, i only made it a 2x site
  this week. Deal with it.
	On happier news, TMS is coming back soon, so that should
  be something to look forward to. Not much more that i want to say
  about that, as it is going to be a considerably more private site
  this time around than last..



=--------------------------------------------------------------------------=
	Sites are rated on a 3X and 2X scale.. if you want to know why we
 do it that way, read an old issue. Couriers get 10 points per site they get
 #1 on, 9 points for 2nd place, 8 points for 3rd, etc, etc.
	Sites are rated by us. If you don't like the ratings, then....
heh... fuck off and die..
=--------------------------------------------------------------------------=

          The Top Ten sites for this week are:


	  x3 STH -*- FS -*- MW -*- ET -*- HOL
          x2 LA -*- E -*- RDX -*- ROC -*- FF


	          ---=NETMONKEY COURiER REPORT=---

 trader       group  STH FS MW ET HOL LA  E RDX ROC FF   pts   pos
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
 tc           VGN      2  3  3  4   7  2  0   0   4  4   157   [1]
 officedog    RiSC     3  8  1  0   2  4  0   1   3  3   135   [2]
 dragoth      DEV      0  6  2  0   0  3  0   2   0  0   106   [3]
 redman       DMS      0  4  4  0   1  0  0   5   1  6   105   [4]
 garoto       DEV      8  7  7  1   8  0  6   6   0  8   100   [5]
 lethal       RiSC     7  9  4  0   4  0  0   0   7  5    78   [6]
 slammar      DEV      4  0  0  2   0  0  0   0   0  2    72   [7]
 kruzin       RiSC     5 10  5  6  10  0  7   7   6 10    66   [8]
 siim         AOD      0  0  9  0   0  0  0   4   0  9    52   [9]
 jaydee       DEV      0  1  0  0   0  0  0   0   0  0    50  [10]

 * = no weektop this week.

=--------------------------------=--------------------------------------=



-----------[ Jaydee's Biased Courier Section ]-----------

Jaydee's Biased Report

Ok, this week wasnt very special. Not alot was released so the
weektops are kinda lame. #1 had 2-300 megs on almost every site.
This week I sent the weektops of the 7 sites I picked as top
sites just to let you see Im not THAT biased.
(Note to readers: Jaydee did send us the weektops, but we will
not be printing them here, for privacy reasons -nd)
The sites is ET/STH/HOL/MW/FS/LA/FF.
Since thoose lamers in risc keeps deleting me from HOL I was
about to leave it out but some lamer got me the weektop. (Hi stixbitch).

So lets take a look at the groups.

Dimension.
Ohh my GOD, this must be their worse week EVER. (They have a pretty
short lifetime though). Redman was kinda representing but damn, they
should do much better with all thoose prewhores.

MNM.
I think they are fucking dead. I dont know but their iso section
is the only group representing the name MNM. The could just
as well kill the group since its obvious, IT WONT BE WHAT IT USED
TO BE.

RiSC
Like I mentioned earlier risc deleted me from their best site
HOL. This I *think* is about some little fight I have with Eternal
where he dont have ANY ARGUMENTS or atleast he never tell me wtf
is up. Anyways, Officedog and Kruzin was doing pretty good. Brain
tried to trade but I guess it didnt work. Donno, he sucked anyways.
Did good on their own sites but that was about it.

VGN
They got themself a small team now. My bitchin last week made them
trade I guess. Tc owned at #3 at most sites. darkwolf owned STH and
lethal did some average results. Winning STH grouptop means they have
something going on.

DEVOTION
The group of the week. Slammar doing good cause of Siege pre´s.
whitesnake cause of Fallen pre´s and myself Cause of PFT pre´s :)))
Garoto did his usuall weektops, but had some shell problems cause of
the liu.se situation. BUT the MAIN reason devotion owned was dragoths
comeback. Even though he used a little slower shell he managed to enter
the weektops. NICE WORK!

EQL
Blckbull and dawn trading or preing. They need Snap.

AOD
Morbid and Siim did their shit. Nothin special. Need more traders I
guess.

RC
Alex doing good. Sirbubu too. Nothin else. Boring group I guess.



=----------------------------------=----------------------------------------=



-----------[ Articles ]-----------



--------------------[PaleDeth and his Aerosmith
Obsession]----------------------


Ok.. it was a slow week.. Very little to write about..
S^J was going to have an all-star scene report on the state of the
utils scene, but he still hadn't gotten one or two groups at press time,
and i needed to get this thing out, so look forward to that for next week...

In the mean time... uhhh... well... lets just say PaleDeth has a lot of
time on his hands... <g>

                                       -editors


By PaleDeth:

I have come to the conclusion that Aerosmith, the band, are all couriers.
Just listen to the song "i dont wanna miss a thing"
The song goes:

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
(obviously singing about a rival courier being away)

Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure
(here he's singing about a site)

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you, babe
(he/she is tired cuz he/she has been couriering all day but
still wants to do some more)

And I don't wanna miss a thing
(here he's singing bout a pre)

Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
(any real courier have dreams of couriering like a bad ass)

I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
(that pre again)

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
(The modem obviously)

And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever
(what courier hasnt fallen in love with a site)

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
(Those 2 are typos.. should be release)

Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
(singing about his modem again)

well thats solid proof ain't it? i think so!

Furthermore i think it was Bill Gates who killed JFK.

                           -PaleDeth


=----------------------------------=-------------------------------------=

=---------[ Lester's Movie Review Section ]----------=

   Sure he's a prominent scene member, leader of the #1 courier group, and
   former "Miss Scene 1995".. But did you also know that in real life, Lester's
   real name is "Roger", and he hosts a popular syndicated television show,
   where he plays a big fatass who has nothing better to do with his time than
   go to every single movie ever released?
   Well.. now you know..


Apt Pupil
Starring Ian Mckellen and Brad Renfro
Based on the Novel by Stephen King

Rating: 2 and a half stars/4

Interesting story, the movie is about a 16 year old kid who takes a
rather obsessive interest in the Holocaust and nazi's. After researching
everyone, he comes across a man in his own town who he has discovered was
some general in the war for the nazi's. He confronts this man with his
information and tells him he wants to know everything about it: everything
he did and felt during the war. So right off, you know this kid won't grow
up to be Mr. Rogers. He's a little tweaked in the head... but aren't we all?
I don't want to give away the whole story or anything, and I never read the
book so I cannot say which was better, but I have a feeling the book probably
was better. There are some funny moments and some disturbing details of what
the germans did to people during the war. But all in all the movie is not
really anything special. It doesn't have that extra something to keep you
talking about it. Some good performances in there by the stars and even
David Schwimmer has a role as Guidance Counselor, as well as Joshua Jackson
from Dawson's Creek(pacey).
So the movie has it's perks and I'd suggest seeing it if your a Nazi and
you want to relive old times, or if you need something to see.
I would definately rent the movie though when it's out, it is worth seeing. Cya



=----------------------------------=------------------------------------------=


------------------------[Lesters Story]-----------------------------------



The Ongoing adventures of Lester and his gimp friend Ndetroit.


The Stairway to Heaven - Part II


IN LAST WEEKS STORY: Lester has gone been killed, and asked by God
himself to fix the the Stairway to Heaven. He embarks upon his quest,
coming across many strange and wacky people. All the while, he just
can't stop wondering to himself: "Where's VGN?"

FROM LAST WEEK:

	This is when I noticed the 4th person, huddled in a corner, and to my
great shock, it was .............................


AND NOW THE EXCITING CONCLUSION OF "THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN"!!!!!

	It was NDetroit!!!

	After cleaning Nd up I asked him how the fuck he managed to end up in
this place getting fucked in the ass again, because if he really enjoyed that
lifestyle he didn't need to come here to get it I'm pretty sure. He told me
that after hearing of my death he became distraught and felt that he couldn't
go on, so he had slit his wrists. Suicide being a sentence of hell, The Dark
Priest had assigned him to eternal gangrapes in this whorehouse.
	I remembered hearing the name "Dark Priest" when talking to that Xavier
fellow, so I was not sure what to make of this. Nonetheless Nd said he was not
staying here and was going to follow me around and hopefully get returned to
the world of the living, or at least a better hell.
	So we started out to continue the mission.

	On the way out I told Rockz I had dispensed of the troublemakers
upstairs and she thanked me and asked if I wanted to eat strawberries from her
mammoth chest? (which if I wasn't on duty and this wasn't a Hell Whorehouse, I
would have accepted!)
	I decided that The Dark Priest, being the employment office of Hell,
would be a good person to talk to about finding unseedy characters, so I had
Nd lead me to his office, a 30 story building that looked alot like the
building
that was blown up in Oklahoma City. Sure enough, upon entering, the secretary
was none other than Timothy McVeigh! I asked to see Mr. Priest and he told us
to sit and he would see us shortly. 14 days later, Timmy boy told me I could
see Mr. Priest now, so we got up and headed in.
	As an afterthought I turned around and shot a rather large hole in the
face of Mr. McVeigh, as even in Hell he didn't deserve to live.

	I must say that The Dark Priest's office was rather impressive.. A
massive room with pillars of screaming souls, gargoyle statues that came to
life now and again, rearranging the rooms design each time you glanced at a
wall. On his desk, a few family pictures, him fucking that Giselle girl, him
shaking hands with the big man himself, Satan. A few other personal items,
and of course a torture rack in the far end of the room, that was cleaned
now by an unlucky fellow who was forced to lick the blood and guts off with
his tongue.
	I greeted Mr. Priest (as he liked to be called) formally and sat down.
I nodded at the janitor and asked who he was and how he earned that job?
	He laughed and told me that was Garoto, a child rapist and sheepfucker.
He got off on licking the asses of sheep, so his punishment was to forever lick
up the disgusting messes in Hell.. pretty fitting eh?
	Nodding, I decided to get down to business. I said, "I need to know where
I can find Hawkeye, the head of this VGN renegade group."
	He replied with a laugh, "You NEED to know huh? I know where he is, but
I see no reason to tell you or your anally raped friend there."
	I grinned and said "Well I won't bother to draw a weapon on you, as I
assume that won't be so easy as to just shoot you, so let us barter shall we?
What can I do for you to get the information I need?"
	He took a moment to think it over and said, "If you can take care of a
small nuisance that I have, and bring me his heart or head, whichever is
convenient,
then I will give you the information you desire."

	I asked who this nuisance was, and he replied "Ukyo. He is a smalltime
peddler of misc. narcotics and items that people search for in this purgatory.
I grow tired of him... even Hell has some standards."

	I nodded and said, "Take me to him, and I will handle it."

	A few minutes later I was standing in front of a small rundown house. I
walked up to the door and gave it a little knock. A thin drugged out man
answered
and asked what I wanted, and then sneezed in my face. He blushed and said
sorry,
my hell is to have eternal allergies. I nodded and said hey I can help you with
that. He brightened and I shoved my 12 guage barrel in his mouth and cleared up
his sinus' real well. Moving along I saw Ukyo, not much to say about the
fellow,
but he was, as TDP had said, a smalltime peddler. I withdrew my sword and
sliced
off his head & ripped his intestines out. I picked up his head and was on my
way
back to the employment offices before he hit the ground.

	I threw the head onto Mr. Priest's desk and said, "A deal is a deal, give
me the information I need to know." The Dark Priest nodded and said, "Hawkeye
likes to hang out in the bar at the end of the stairway, plays poker and shit
with some losers down there." I thanked him and headed out.

	The bar was a small joint called "Primary Link". The bartender was a thin,
spectacle wearing freak named Zer0t. I ordered a Jack & coke and surveyed the
room.
In the back of the bar was the poker game that Mr. Priest mentioned. I didn't
recognize all of the players, so I asked Zer0t who they might be. He said the
first guy was Xtremist, an egotistical bum, can't hold down a job even in hell.
Word is that The Dark Priest won't even let him in his office anymore to apply
for a job. The little kid next to Xtr, was Spherehawk, a half boy, half sheep
that
sticks to Xtr's side, and the rumor on that is that Xtremist has a thing for
sheep, so he keeps the boy around for when he gets lonely. The 3rd guy was a
decent sized fellow who went by the name of Silent Joe. The name being
significant
because of his lack of a mouth in hell, he can no longer talk. Last guy is
Hawkeye,
the man I've been looking for.
	He's not really what I expected, not overbearing in any way, no where close
to the behemoth that was Mandrake From Vancouver. But you can see the fire
behind
his eyes while he plays. I ask Zer0t what he thinks of this VGN fiasco, and he
said
that most of the people in here were in VGN at one time, he himself was, and
Xtremist over there, and the girl urinating for all eternity in the corner,
Jess.
I told Zer0t that there would likely be some trouble and he should keep his
head down,
I told him to stay with Nd so that Nd wouldn't go off getting assraped again...

	I pulled up a chair and asked if I could join the game, and Silent Joe made
a gesture for me to sit, but Hawkeye tore the chair out and yelled "Who the
fuck
are you to join our game?" I didn't really expect it to go this quickly, but
shit
happens right?

	I grabbed his hand and and give a hard twist, dropping him to his knees.
Xtremist jumped back and made a move towards me. With my other hand I drew the
glock and put 2 bullets in his shoulders, dropping him in pain. The Sheepboy
screamed and baa'ed and clung to him. Silent Joe just sat there and watched it,
so
I turned my attention back to Hawkeye, who was now in tears as I hadn't
released
his arm. I asked him where I would find Gimi and why he was destroying STH.
He said he didn't know what the fuck I was talking about and to let him go.
	I twisted harder, withdrew my knife and jammed it into his thigh and
	twisted,
saying, "I will ask you again, where is Gimi?" he replied , "I don't KNOW what
your talking about god damnit!!"
	But in his pain I saw a glint of hope flash up, and so I pulled the knife,
spun and slammed it into the head of someone with a baseball bat behind me.
Turning
back to Hawkeye, I said, "Who the fuck was that?" Whimpering, he replied that
it
was "Dark Druid, my lover"

	I began to think, is everyone gay? Is Hell like prison or something?

	But, I had business to take care of. Firstly, I noticed that Xtremist had
begun to try to crawl away and I didn't feel comfortable letting a Sheepfucker
roam
the streets. So I blew a hole through his back, and decided as an afterthought
that
a half-sheep, half-boy combination was not cool, so I killed it too. I was
beginning
to get pretty angry with Hawkeye's lack of cooperation, so I decided to turn up
the
heat a little bit. I cut off his nipples, broke all of his fingers and both
wrists
and asked again, "Where the fuck did you put Gimi?" Now at the point of shock
and
delirium, he said that Gimi was in the back room, and Zer0t was holding him.

	A flash of anger went over me, as I had left Nd with that son of a bitch!
	I snapped Hawkeye's neck and stormed back to the bar. Zer0t was gone and
so was ND! I went around back and there was Zer0t, fucking Nd in the ass, with
Gimi tied to a bed blindfolded.
	I walked up behind Zerot and slammed my 12 guage barrel up his ass and
had him dismount Nd. I told him to bend over, and I would give him the best ass
reaming of his life.. and it's a cleansing too!
	Obviously not a very smart man, he did bend over, and I blasted his ass,
literally. Picking Nd up and throwing him over my shoulder, I untied Gimi and
asked if he was ok. He said that he was and he thanked me over and over. I said
we should get back to the Stairway and fix the problems VGN had caused. He
agreed
and upon arriving there, I saw Cyber Angel grinning and waiting for me. Gimi
announced to everyone that the Stairway was once again open, and would be
maintained
by a new team of Angels called DMS!

	Gimi repeatedly thanked me and told me to come visit when I died. I said
I would and then headed off to talk to Cyber Angel. I figured since I had done
such
a swell job of fixing everything, they might let Nd come back to life as well.
	Nd had pretty much gone into a state of shock, what with being ass raped
2 weeks ago and real life, dying and still getting raped in Hell and then on
the
way to Heaven.

	It's been a rough 2 weeks for him. Alex said that Nd could return with me
as well and if we were ready to go, we could head back at once. I shook his
hand
and said to look me up if they ever needed anymore help. Before going I asked
if
any of this killing was going to go against my record for getting into Heaven?
	He laughed and said as long as I kill bad people I wont have any problems,
which is fine by me!


	We made it back 3 months after we left. (Alex had said that the timing was
	a
(little off on their whole "beam me up" thing). I tossed Nd into his bed and
sat
down to check my messages... I had 218 messages waiting. So I grabbed a beer
and wondered if there might be another adventure in those messages...
	Who knows?

	The END!

                                              -Lester



-----------[The Scene News]-----------

All the news thats fit to print...
and then some...

-OH MY GOD!! VENGEANCE WAS #1 ON STH!!!!! VENGEANCE WAS #1 ON STH!!!
 ermm.. *ahem*... i guess i will calm down now. Nice work VGN guys..
 nice to see you guys actually win on your WHQ... TC was pretty
 damn out of control on pretty much every other site, too, so..
 hrmm.... VGN #1 on STH.. what is the scene coming to?.. *sigh*

-ET is back. E is back? Good.

-SPA is pretty much dead. Origin has now announced that they can
 no longer conscienably be a member of the SPA without upholding
 its rules.. and really, how can they be a SPA member, and still
 compete with the big three?

-There was almost nothing released this week, a fact already iterated
 by some of the other ppl writing here.. hrmm.. SUPPLIERS!! WORK
 HARDER!! (four legs good, two legs baaa'aad?)

-VGN came back to life.. Dev is coming back to life... RiSC has
 finally managed to get its cheaters do what they do best.. cheat.
 DMS is hurting, and MnM is dead.. what a wacky wacky scene this is..

-Still no blackacid.pheared.com (yes.. i *AM* holding my breath.. fuck
 off!), but defacto2 is updated pretty regularly, and CWS is still
 clockwork... good job over there by all that crew..

-Ho hum.. thats all for now, i guess... a slow week.. and that's
 GOOD NEWS... two scoops of raisons go out to duranged for helping
 nd with weektops this week, and CoolChaoS, cause he wanted his
 name mentioned, and nd couldn't think of where to put him!
 BAHAHAH!

					-sky masterson
=----------------------------------=------------------------------------------=


--------[Stories from the Watercooler]----------

Ahh yes, rumors, we all love them even though we love to say how much we
hate them when they are about us. And these are some of the better ones
circulating around this week. Email us or find us on irc if you have a
good rumor you'd like entered, your name will not be included, but we
do not add rumors like that say "Tdpriest is having anal sex with Fusion"
because we know that Fusion is only having sex with Xtremist and therefore
there is no hard evidence of that rumor, so if you have real rumors, let us
know. Let's begin!

-Rumor has it that MANiFEST (mfd) are releasing fakes! Thats right, apparantly
 they took something that was released as "V5.4-PFT" and edited the .INI
 file, to make it look like "V5.41-MANiFEST".... wacky!

-Rumor has it that it will be harder than tdpriest's cock at a "4H" convention
 to get onto the new TMS... nice to see some sites are tightening up, anyway.

-Rumor has it that mandrake (former DMS) is having some domestic problems
 with his new boyfriend, and may be returning to the scene to make a
 triumphant comeback, perhaps bringing the ailing (?) DMS back to life..

-Rumor has it that Eagle_1 has DIED!!! Not only that, but he has been dead
 for more than a year, even tho RiSC continued to look to him for leadership
 and guidance. His body is apparently embalmed in a giant tomb, buried
 underneath #ascent.. no confirmation on this yet, but it sure would explain
 a lot, eh?

=-------------------------------------=--------------------------------------=


Well friends.. Thats about it. If you've read this far, we sincerly thank you.
We like to know this thing gets read, so if you get the time, drop one of us
a quick msg, and tell us what you think, give us suggestions, tell us it sucks,
or just say "hi" to us!....

Greets fly out to: jaydee, mgd, stix, tdp, hr, eci, jamili, raptor, skill,
mandrake, zeus, speedy, subzero, superfly@okcomputer, dee, sj, paledeth, dur,
tech+his crew, Kusa, ssava, acidapple, and all the rest of you that we love...

Find us on IRC in #nwr (channel returning soon!), or email us at our
phearsome address:

netmonkey@penis.com


take care..

peace.

                                       -ndetroit + lester.

NWR 10/26/98

