  nnnnnn nnn                nnn   nnn
  $ $$ $  $$                  $$b   $
    $$    $$nd$b  .d$$b.      $`$b  $  .d$$b. .d$$b.
    $$    $$  $$  $$  $$      $ `$b $  $$  $$ $$  $$  nnn
    $$    $$  $$  $$""""      $  `$b$  $$"""" $$  $$  """
   nSSn  nSSi SSn "Sbnn"     nSn  `SS  "Sbnn" "SbdS"


  .nP"=$$                      $P          nnn                          TM
  $$   ""                     `n'          n$$nnn 
  $$      .d$$b. $$$nd$bnd$b  nnn  $$$nd$b  $$    .d$$b. $$$nd$b $$$nd$b
  $$      $$  $$  $$  $$  $$   $$   $$  $$  $$    $$  $$  $$  S$  $$  $$
  $$   i$ $$  $$  $$  $$  $$   $$   $$  $$  $$    $$""""  $$      $$  $$
  "SbndS" "SbdS" nSSi SSn SSn nSSi nSSi SSn "Sbn" "Sbnn" nSSi    nSSi SSn

.......... ......... ........ ....... ...... ..... .... ... .. .  .   .    .
   .   .  . . .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ ......... ..........

    t h e  n e o - c o m i n t e r n   e l e c t r o n i c  m a g z i n e
                 I n s t a l l m e n t    N u m b e r  1 0 2

         LANOITANRETNI ht5 EHT ERA EW - WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL
                     0002 ,ht61 lirpA - April 16th, 2000
                          CMB :rotidE - Editor: BMC
                             :sretirW - Writers:
                 amsylcataC aniragraM - Margarina Cataclysma
                                  CMB - BMC


  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
 ;P                      Featured in this installment                      .b
 $                                                                          $
 $                   Margarina Cataclysma's Advice Column                   $
 $                             Summer Man- BMC                              $
 `q                                                                        p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

                               EDITOR'S NOTE

        Yep, I know we've all been waiting for Margarina's second advice
column for a long time, so let's just kick it like way back in the day.  Look
on as Ms. Cataclysma answers the precious questions we asked back in
January (1986).  

        I wish I had a turtle.  Turtles eat goldfish.


  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
 ;P                  MARGARINA CATACLYSMA'S ADVICE COLUMN                  .b
 `q                        by Margarina Cataclysma                         p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

Dear Margarina,
I have a fiancee, and I am cheating on her with my best friend's girlfriend.
But, this girl asked me to hook up with her at the bar the other night, and
she is Asian and I have never slept with an Asian before and I have always
wanted to, should I sleep with her? -Dory

Dear Dory,

Oh no not relationship melodrama.  I think I speak for everyone when I say
that Asians are delicious.

Love, Margarina



Dear Margarina,
I've been happy lately.  Is there something wrong with me? -BMC

Dear BMC,

Oh no not relationship melodrama.  I think I speak for everyone when I say
that it's excellent for you to be happy.

Love, Margarina



Dear Margarina,
when is there gonna be world peace?  -Jillo

Dear Jillo,

World Peace will happen when we successfully reanimate all the dead, and when
all of us, living and reanimated, get together for a picnic under the shady
pines.  Liberace will be there to play piano for us all, and Roy Orbison will
dance, and your old pet dog who you still miss terribly will jump around and
slobber affectionately just like he used to.  Then after lunch we will all
play ping pong and frisbee and noone will accidentally sprain their ankle.
Also it will miraculously be summer.  I think we can safely plan it for
Tuesday!  What do you think?  Can you make it on Tuesday?  I think I'll make
a potato salad to bring along.

Love, Margarina



Dear Margarina,
I have a strange attraction to my water gun, Grant... is this odd?  Do I need
mental help?  I wanna do things to this water gun that no other water gun has
recieved.  -Carmina

Dear Carmina,

Oh no not relationship melodrama.  I think I speak for everyone when I say
that watersports are a lot of fun.

Love, Margarina



Dear Margarina,
ummm....how come whenever i'm single no one asks me out and the minute a cool
guy asks me out a whole bunch of guys ask me out including ex's wanting to
come back???  this is true and this angers me -Captn*Howdy

Dear Captn*Howdy,

Ok, what you should do is get really drunk or something and next time you are
in the same place as all these guys you should tell them that you love them,
really love them, and then start laughing and laughing and fall over and roll
around on the floor laughing for a while.  Let them know that you are
laughing at them. Then stand up and drink some tequila, and share your
tequila with them.

Love, Margarina



Dear Margarina,
why the hell don't men ever put the toilet seat down??? -Falynn187

Dear Falynn187,

I think it's a test.  Or a stupid practical joke.  I fall into the toilet.
Especially if I'm just waking up in the morning. So I don't know what to do
about this either.  Sometimes even really nice man-beasts leave the toilet
seat up.  It's hard to predict which of them are likely to do this.  God it
is so awful.  Oh the humanity.

Love, Margarina



Dear Margarina,
I want to move, but Im not sure where.  Should I move to NEw Mexico or
California?  -whatalady

Dear whatalady,

I really like California, it has a special place in my heart cause when I was
there I went grocery shopping one day and I was waiting in line to pay for my
stuff and then I fainted.  And then when I woke up there were about 6 people
standing over me and they brought me water and they were really nice, which I
thought was supercool cause when I fell over I almost landed on a baby.  So
California is beautiful.  Also there are lots of coffee shops in California.
Also the people in California have chocolate chili.  I'm not making this up.
Chocolate Chili Con Carne- it's better than it sounds.  New Mexico is also
great, but not as great as California cause the grocery store people in New
Mexico are not so kind.  There are also lots of coffee shops in New Mexico.
The best thing about New Mexico is that Clint Eastwood lives there.  And
there are more places to eat chinese food in New Mexico- it's that whole
Pacific Rim thing.  Also you can't surf in California, but you can in New
Mexico.  Baja California is also really nice, it has a really cool town
called Seattle that also has quite a few coffee shops.  It rains a lot in
Baja California though so if you go there take an umbrella.

Love, Margarina



Dear Margarina,
Explain in detail the rising popularity of the Sons of Prozac, citing
specific examples and discovering why the hell its happening.  Take into
account the physche of an average listener.  -Gnarly Wayne

Dear Gnarly Wayne,

Sigh.  Do I really have to do this?  (ten minutes pass) Ok, Gnarly Wayne, I
have clipped my toenails, rattled them 18 times in the sacred jar, and dumped
them out on the oracle map, and this is what they have to say: (sound of
harmonic convergence in background) the-oracle-speaks-:-the-sons-of-prozac-
are-very-very-lucky-to-have-been-heard-by-the-ghost-of-roy-orbison-one-
afternoon-when-he-was-zapping-along-some-line-and-then-he-played-yer-song-
for-his-buddy-,-johnny-horton-,-and-he-loved-it-too-,-and-ever-since-then-
those-from-the-nether-world-haven't-been-able-to-get-enough-of-the-sons-of-
prozac-.-also-they-recommended-the-sons-of-prozac-to-their-living-heirs-here-
on-solid-ground-.-johnny-and-roy-would-like-to-collaborate-with-the-sons-of-
prozac-too-,-and-so-that's- the-whole-story.  (sound of medium's exhausted
head thumping-down-onto the table)

Love, Margarina



Dear Margarina,
If people around you said you were dead, and concocted a story that seemed
true, and everyone believed it. What would you do about it if anything at
all.  -Komrade B

Dear Komrade B,

So, when you say that everyone believes it, did you mean that you believe it
too?  Cause that might be a crucial step in understanding what is going on
here.  Do you believe it?  I've been a sceptic all along.  I mean, I heard
that you died, but I never knew ye so I had my doubts right from the start.
I mean, how can you die if your existence is not quite certain in the first
place?  Therefore I am not sure that you can do anything, cause you may not
have existed in the first place.  You might want to adopt a policy of Mind
Over Matter for this one. there was a movie called existenz or something,
maybe it has something to do with this. I wouldn't know, I haven't seen it.
but the title sort of alludes to this whole existence thing. watch it and
see.

Love, Margarina


  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
 ;P                               SUMMER MAN                               .b
 `q                                 by BMC                                 p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

        Looks like a job for summer man.


        Question:
        Why can't it be summer man all year round?

        Answer:
        Because summer man has to protect his secret identity as other
        seasons man. 


        They say that here in Saskatoon we have a very short summer man.  I
guess there's no accounting for taste.  I like summer, and I like man, so I
can't exactly criticize him for his height.  I can criticize him for one
thing, though.

        He's the evilest, bad-assest superb-villain on either side of the
equator (or maybe just out of all the people in my house).  Summer man is my
brother, and he draws his powers from the summer.  He can use his powers to
perpetuate summer and drink beer in the back yard in nothing but an Omega
brand thong.  Winter is lethal to him in large doses.  His only other
weakness is working and exerting energy, and he can't barbecue worth a damn
(like Wayne).

        I remember last year, which may seem like nothing unusual to you,
and it probably isn't.  I also remember particular things about it, like my
finally entering puberty, and the time my super summer brother man tried to
take over the world.  He threatened to go hang out by the polar ice caps and
turn them into a bunch of summers until they flooded the world and
everything was submerged and not even boat man could save the world.  This
plan was just too outrageous, so I contacted the government and told on
him.  They gave me a special top secret mission and I was supposed to stop
him from global domination.  That's how I remember it, anyway.

        I stopped him at the back door and sprayed a bunch of silly string
up his ass.  Oh it was silly all right, but silly for ME, because he just
gave me a strange look and continued on with his sinister plan of walkng
over to the ice caps and summerizing them.

        I went directly to plan G.  As I remember it, this involved me making
the sea red with blood and a plague of locusts and parting the sea and that's
about it.  Oh yeah, and killing a bunch of firstborn sons.  That's how I
remember it anyway.  It's not how it really happened, though.  I think we
just ended up going to the beach instead and maybe it was a nude beach but
I don't remember cause I was tired.  The End.


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 Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern                           #102-04/16/00

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