  nnnnnn nnn                nnn   nnn
  $ $$ $  $$                  $$b   $
    $$    $$nd$b  .d$$b.      $`$b  $  .d$$b. .d$$b.
    $$    $$  $$  $$  $$      $ `$b $  $$  $$ $$  $$  nnn
    $$    $$  $$  $$""""      $  `$b$  $$"""" $$  $$  """
   nSSn  nSSi SSn "Sbnn"     nSn  `SS  "Sbnn" "SbdS"


  .nP"=$$                      $P          nnn                          TM
  $$   ""                     `n'          n$$nnn
  $$      .d$$b. $$$nd$bnd$b  nnn  $$$nd$b  $$    .d$$b. $$$nd$b $$$nd$b
  $$      $$  $$  $$  $$  $$   $$   $$  $$  $$    $$  $$  $$  S$  $$  $$
  $$   i$ $$  $$  $$  $$  $$   $$   $$  $$  $$    $$""""  $$      $$  $$
  "SbndS" "SbdS" nSSi SSn SSn nSSi nSSi SSn "Sbn" "Sbnn" nSSi    nSSi SSn

.......... ......... ........ ....... ...... ..... .... ... .. .  .   .    .
   .   .  . . .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ ......... ..........

    t h e  n e o - c o m i n t e r n   e l e c t r o n i c  m a g z i n e
                  I n s t a l l m e n t    N u m b e r  9 6

         LANOITANRETNI ht5 EHT ERA EW - WE ARE THE 5th INTERNATIONAL
                  0002 ,ht12 yraurbeF - February 21th, 2000
                          CMB :rotidE - Editor: BMC
                             :sretirW - Writers:
                         enyaW ylranG - Gnarly Wayne
                                  CMB - BMC


  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
 ;P                      Featured in this installment                      .b
 $                                                                          $
 $             The DeeJay's Guide To Healing Devices- Gnarly Wayne          $
 $                       The Time I Flew A Plane- BMC                       $
 `q                                                                        p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

                               EDITOR'S NOTE

        I woke up at 4pm today and thought about how demanding life can be at
times.  Then I had a beer and went back to bed.


  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
 ;P                 THE DEEJAY'S GUIDE TO HEALING DEVICES                  .b
 `q                           by Gnarly Wayne                              p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

    Everyone gets hurt at one point in life and runs to the nearest healer
to get aid.  But are you getting the proper treatment you need, or just some
shitty "remedy"?  I'ma break it down like this:


    Gauze Pads: great for absorbing gushing amounts of blood, but little
else.  My grandpa was having a heart attack today, but instead of calling 911
like he asked, I put a gauze pad on his head.  He died cursing my name.

    Ranking: A+

    Open Heart Surgery: my grandpa could have used this (see Gauze Pads).
Seriously though, I've seen open heart surgery and the guy getting operated
on gets to watch. I don't imagine that the heart being exposed to filthy air
can be that good for it.  If nature wanted our hearts to be exposed to air,
it would be outside our chests.  Actually, that would be awesome.  We could
get oxygen directly into our blood cells and we could remove our lungs.
Then we could smoke all we want.

    Ranking: B-

    Band-Aid: just like a shitty Gauze Pad with glue on it.  Man, they don't
work worth a fuck, especially against mortal wounds.

    Ranking: F

    Healie: able to heal wounds in the blink of an eye, regardless of the
nature of the infliction, Healie is most likely the best form of healing
(and entertainment) there is.  You could be cut in half from a Skeleton
Knights sword, fireballed by a MagiDrakee, slimed by a Red Slime, or punched
by a Gold Man; it doesn't matter, Healie can fix you quick fast in a hurry.
Not only can he heal, but talk about looks!  I swear his dashing debonnaire
smile can close my most mortal of wounds sometimes. <sigh>

    Ranking: A++

    Salve: I don't what these things are. Are they like Band-Aids or what?

    Ranking: I don't know what they are.

    Phosphorus: You'd think that old element #15 would be able to heal quite
a bit, but my experiences have usually ended up in me getting hurt more.
For example, I had a bad case of tennis elbow, so naturally, I applied some
Phosphorus to it.  Well, I guess it indirectly cured my tennis elbow, cause
my elbow is gone.  The side effect was that I got phorphorus poisoning.  I
don't think I was using it right.

    Ranking: A

    Iodine: Iodine is used to test for the presence of starch in solutions,
so it can't possible heal anything........ can it?

        Ranking: D

    Enemas: Hmmmm... shoving a penis-shaped object in my ass and releasing
torrents of hot, soapy liquid. I don't see a downside. Oh well, I guess if
it heals, more power to me (and BMC).

        Ranking: C

    Cannibis: Though can cure things like headaches, aching joints, and
cancer, cannibis's main use is in just not making you care that you are
injured.  A great solution if you ask me.  I remember this time I was soooo
fucking high and I cut myself pretty bad, I just watched the blood run until
I passed out.  When I woke up 7 weeks later, the cut was gone.  Behold the
power of cannibis!

        Ranking: A+

    Leeches: If for some reason you need to remove massive amounts of blood
from your body, then by all means fill a bathtub full of these critters up
and jump on in.  I don't think this will heal anything unless you have the
disease called life.

        Ranking: C-

    Alcohol: Talk about multi-purpose!  It can cure the body as well as the
soul.
        If you happen to have the blues
        Just go and buy yourself some booze.
        Drink it down, make sure you're alone
        It doesn't count if you talk on the phone.

        Ranking: A+++

    Praying: has this actually ever worked for anyone?  I saw a Law & Order
episode where these parents didn't let a doctor treat their sick child cause
they didn't believe in it.  The child only had a rash or a cold or pneumonia
or something.  And the main characters made fun of them and shit.  Jesus
prayed a lot and he died very young.

        Ranking: D-

    Time Machine: pretty simple.  Just go back to when you weren't hurt and
make sure you don't get hurt again.  If you still do, you are too stupid to
own a time machine.  Send it to me, please.

        Ranking: B

    Rap Machine: recently had a doctorate programmed into him, but I still
wouldn't trust him.  He has a very ornery attitude and is just as liable to
slice ya up then stitch ya up.

        Ranking: C+

    Shaman Dance: tough one to call on.  The dances can work quite a number
of wonders, but with all the different dances out there, it's tough not to
slip up and invoke something else entirely.  Like this one time I was out
in the jungles, and got a case of acrophobia, so I asked the shaman to get
rid of it for me.  He started up a dance and I clapped happily along, but I
screwed up his rhythm and he ended up calling a plague of tsetse flies
instead.  Luckily, I had a plane and flew the hell out of there.  As I left,
I heard the shaman say to me "Tonto, we must be careful of the tsetse fly...
one bite..."

        Ranking: B

    Torso Fat Burn Treatment: this is where they slice fat out of your
torso and place it on the burned area to make it heal faster.  That's just
great.  So now fat people get to heal faster AND the get some free fat taken
off.  Fat people catch all the breaks.

        Ranking: C-


        So there's your healing device guideline.  Use it in bad health (no,
wait, use it in good health).


  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
 ;P                       THE TIME I FLEW A PLANE                          .b
 `q                               by BMC                                   p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

        It was late at night, and I took note that my eyes began to move.
"Quite odd," I thought, "that my eyes would begin to move at this time of
night!"  Oh well, you know what they say.  Another day, another night, and
this night was no different.  After my eyes stopped moving autonomously, I
grabbed my jacket and threw it over my spine and shoulder blades.

        "Yum!" I said as we began our ascent into the sky.  It was my first
experience flying a plane, and I had to keep checking to make sure I was
doing it right.  First I took off, then I climed vertically until I stalled
the engines.  On the way down I started that shit back up again, and then I
got into the plane.  "Damn, man, Mr. MatchMan, it sure is hard to fly one of
these from the outside," I whispered into his ear, and, as usual, he told
me an amusing anecdote about stuff going on in the office.  Sometimes the
stories were about his personal life, but usually it was a joke at the
expense of the dumbheads that worked behind the desks at the headquarters.

        I don't know what those fellows did behind their empty desks, but
it was rumoured that if they talked, moved around excessively, or even as
much as thought about something they would be flogged or fired, and in some
extreme cases they would get the worst of both worlds.  These were the folks
that signed my paycheques, so I pretended to like them and continued on
through life in a state of general indifference.  Sometimes I won jackpots
and sometimes I struggled with bouts of narcolepsy, but the never did I
plot against the amazing fools downtown or attempt you form an alliance wth
them.

        Capitalism was popular in that part of time, so I pretended to be
really interested in it even though I was lying and didn't give 4 1/2 fucks
bout which of the two right wing parties was going to win the next election.
Then I was in a quagmire, and then we all went to Woodstock.
The End.


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 .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.
 Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern                            #96-02/21/00

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