       ___________ __              _______                         
       \__    ___/|  |__   ____    \      \   ____  ____           
         |    |   |  |  \_/ __ \   /   |   \_/ __ \/  _ \   ______ 
         |    |   |   Y  \  ___/  /    |    \  ___(  <_> ) /_____/ 
         |____|   |___|  /\___  > \____|__  /\___  >____/
                       \/     \/          \/     \/
       _________                 __        __
       \_   ___ \  ____   _____ |__| _____/  |_  ___________  ____  
       /    \  \/ /  _ \ /     \|  |/    \   __\/ __ \_  __ \/    \ 
       \     \___(  <_> )  Y Y  \  |   |  \  | \  ___/|  | \/   |  \
        \______  /\____/|__|_|  /__|___|  /__|  \___  >__|  |___|  /
               \/             \/        \/          \/           \/ 
.......... ......... ........ ....... ...... ..... .... ... .. .  .   .    .
   .   .  . . .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... ........ ......... ..........

    t h e  n e o - c o m i n t e r n   e l e c t r o n i c  m a g z i n e
                 I n s t a l l m e n t    N u m b e r  1 3 8

                         We Are the New International
                         January 21st, 2001
                         Editor: BMC

                                             Writers:
                                               Heckat
                                                  BMC


  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
 ;P                      Featured in this installment                      .b
 $                                                                          $
 $                         Numbers and Letters - BMC                        $
 $              How to Win Friends and Influence People II - Heckat         $
 `q                                                                        p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

                                 EDITOR'S NOTE

        Why I Boycott Nike

        I used to wear them all the time, but then I was expected to do
athletic things like run and walk around all the time.  There was no way to
avoid it either, cause everybody knows that Nikes are the best kind of
athletic shoes availiable in the whole world.  In fact, it is proven that
wearing Nikes improves your performance in sports.  This is undesirable for
me because I am lazy, so I decided to get rid of my Nikes and now that is my
excuse for not doing anything.

        
        Why I Boycott McDonalds

        It tastes too damn good.  It's the best food in the world and I love
it and it's good for you.  But when you eat you have to burn calories to
stay in shape.  I can't do that because I have no shoes, so instead I boycott
McDonalds and all other food in general.  Now I don't have to burn calories
anymore.


  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b. 
 ;P                           NUMBERS AND LETTERS                          .b
 `q                                  by BMC                                p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

Upon a time and place, after there was writing but before there was speech,
there were two rival factions who fought for control of the world.  They
were known as the # and the _.  Although it is not known how the fight
began, it is speculated that it was due to conflicting beliefs between the
parties.  We don't know for certain why all of this happened or when it
started or ended, but we know what happened and how.

The groups were drastically different from each other, and each was composed
of two sub-categories.  The # consisted of the 1 and the 0, whereas the _
was made up of I and O!  You can see the difference.

All of the 1 and 0 were aggressive-types, and battered and bullied the _ on
a daily basis.  The I and O were quite forgiving, though, and while they
realized that the world needed both # and _, they had a hard time putting up
with the #.  Let's just face it, the # were jerks and though they were smart
at certain things they couldn't keep up with the conversations between _.
This made them mad and they didn't know why.

Even though the # weren't very smart (except in their "own way," which
didn't count), they had all of the $ while the _ only had a bunch of -.  But
hey, the _ had love, and when it came to that area the # only had * (ouch!).

One day the # decided to finally take that final step of conquering the _,
so the _ had to think of a way to outsmart them.  The _ had a long-term plan
to help the third (and as of yet unmentioned) group called the ! (consisting
of i and o) gain some _ and some # and some $, but the i and o weren't
interested in the _ because they were more interested in the #'s $.

While the _ tried to teach the !, the ! could only think about becoming #
with $.  The only problem was that the ! stayed ! forever, and though they
had lots of -, they never + their $.  The #'s $ kept going ^ and with this $
they used their * to X the _.

Moral:  ! < #
        _ < #
        #+$ = *
        If !=_ then !+_ > #
        I+O+i+o > 1+0
        I+O+i+o+1+0 = ???


  d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
 ;P                HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE II              .b
 `q                                by Heckat                               p'
   `nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'

Between visits to those loved ones across the country, you have several
methods of communication available to you for getting through to your
chums.  What most people do not know is that some of these methods are
extremely classy, while others, like the telegraph or pony express, are just
plain unpleasant and they embarrass you when you choose to use them.  For
instance, both sky-writing and floral arrangements have been done to death -
and the phone. . . well, I think you know what I'm getting at.  For those of
you who are still wondering what I'm talking about, I think it's time you
were let in on a little secret about long-distance friendship. . . before
your friends decide that your love (not unlike your method of communication)
isn't quite good enough.

Well, maybe I'm being a little wacky and overly optimistic.  I mean, chances
are, if you're still using some of the things I mentioned above to get in
touch with friends far away, they've already begun to snub you.  Perhaps
you've noticed that they've stopped returning your calls and all your
letters come back unopened.  You may have tried to rationalize this at first
but now it's time to take a long look in the mirror, loser: you've been
rejected.

Tough luck buddy, you blew it.  There's no time for damage control, it's too
late for that, those friends are gone and the best you can do now is wave a
figurative goodbye.  But wipe those tears out of your eyes and quit
snivelling like an infant because there may be a chance that you can salvage
those friendships that you still possess and impress the people you meet in
the future.
 
How?  Well, it's time to reveal a trick that I have been using myself for
some time to impress the hell out of everyone I know.  What is this
wonderful insight you ask?  Well, if you'd quit being impatient and wait for
a damned second...

OK, the best way to send your love to your friends is through,

wait for it----------------------------




                                   MASS E-MAIL

Isn't that amazing?  Aren't you surprised you didn't think of it?  I'm not.

Your friends are all gonna love you when you send out the same message to
every one of them.  There's no way to prove the unique emotion involved in
each particular relationship than to paste that special person's name in the
"to" section of an e-mail message along with 20 others.  I know they'll
appreciate it. . . my friends do.  They love it when their names are added
to other people's mailing lists and they begin to receive helpful product
advertisements along with exciting and interesting info.  The best part for
you is that you no longer have to write anything to them yourself because
you can forward messages that other people send you, or things you find on
the internet!

Now, you might be apprehensive about all this, especially the part about no
longer sending personal messages from the heart.  But, believe me, these
messages ARE from the heart!  There are a whole slough of messages just
waiting to be forwarded that include pictures, heart-warming poetry, witty
political commentary and even music in some cases!  They'll make you laugh,
they'll make you cry and best of all, they'll have the same effect on your
friends.  The spelling mistakes included in many of them add that special
touch of charm that anyone would enjoy.

What could be better than all of this?  Well, nothing.  So, start forwarding
this minute (you can begin with this article) and join the popular crowd.  I
think we can all agree that the one thing this world can never get enough
of, besides twinkies and coca-cola, is friendship.

                                               
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    ___________________________________________________         
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   |___________________________________________________|

 .d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.
 Copyright 2001 by The Neo-Comintern                           #138-01/21/01

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