REJECTS ILLUSTRATED #1                  PO Box 81401
(fc3@cris.com)                          Mobile, AL 36689
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This is, what I guess you would call the predecessor to the zine Socially
Transmitted Disease. It should be noted that I (fc3@cris.com) had absolutely
nothing to do with this zine, which I (save a few parts) didn't like very
much. I'm just bored right now. Uh, in case you were wondering I do have a
life (well.. uh kind of, I guess. Maybe. Nope, guess not.) and I type real
fast. Oh yeah, I'm guessing that there will never be any more issues, or
any reprints of this issue, and my comments are enclosed *[like this]*
later
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INTRO

Welcome to the first episode of Rejects Illustrated. Brought to you in
part by the rejects at Reject Records and the heathens at Rite Heyah!
Records. We wrote this 'zine out of frustration of the lack of a scene.
This is also a way for our opinions to get heard. It seems like you walk
up to someone + try to talk to them you get an attitude instead of a
conversation. We hope people will actually read this and consider some
of our points. Hopefully some of you will write us with some opinions
of your own, or just write to say whats up!

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I'm a grillworker at McDonalds so I work on the grill (duh). Which means
I make burgers and cook meat and lots of other shitwork. Anyways, one day
I was cooking some meat and I noticed that one of the grease traps on the
side of a grill was getting full. I emptied the grease into a cart-like
thing. The grease sits in it for like a week or until it gets full, but
the cart was full and I never had to empty that before, so I asked the
manager what I was supposed to do with it. He told me to get the
grease-cart and follow him outside to another grease container. The
outside container was about the size of a couch and filled with grease.
My manager told me to empty the cart into it. "Any of your little
girlfriends wear makeup ?" he asked me. "Huh? Whaddaya mean ???" I asked
in total confusion. "Well when this grease vat gets full, we sell the
grease to make up companies. They use this shit to make make-up" he
replied.
        by G-$auce

Well, you can imagine my revulsion. People wear this rotten, stinky shit
on their faces. The companies test this shit on animals, make it out of
animals and then use sexist ads to sell their crap to the mass consumer.
Why the hell do women wear make-up anyway? Do they think it makes them
look better to cake animal fat on their face. Just because Cindy Crawford
says its cool, don't make it so.
        My so-called opinion
        Rx

Yeah, that's gross eeeeeaeeew!! No actually I like make-up especially
when it's acompanied *[sic]* with lots-o-hairspray.
        Bassmaster

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FUTURE! WHAT FUTURE?

We've got a social disease and it's making me sick. I'm not talking about
crabs or drippy dick, I'm talking about gangs. Every disease has its own
distinct symptoms. Most alments primarily damage the ones infected, but
some have the capacity to effect everyone. Let's talk over some of the
warning signals. Suddenly becomes irrational and violent with little or
no provocation, sees women as bitches and hoes and treats them like
material posessions, grows fond of a low pitched consistent thud, thinks
somehow money, gold chains, and nice cars give them more intrinsic value.
If you suffer from any of these symptoms we strongly urge you to visit the
nearest neighborhood clue store as soon as possible. It is really unsettling
to think of all the people that have been affected by this nonsense. Our
country is running over with young adults who seem to think they are
immortal. They are apparently having trouble comprehending reality. We only
have one life to live and it's a shame for someone to lose that because
of someone else's bullshit. Dead is dead and nothing still equals nothing,
the rules have not changed. Even after seeing this first hand most americans
still have trouble believing the violent statistics, I on the other hand
have no trouble at all. We live in a society that tells us to be kind and
nonviolent. At the same time we grow up learning prejudice and the man
that can fight is the man that is right ethic. It's getting bigger everyday.
As Matt Dykes sat there, and wrote this, MTV was (and still is) shamelessly
making another million selling this "subculture" and another potential
statistic is coming around the corner. I don't see this getting any better,
until we stop rewarding materialism and see our almighty illusions of
ourselves for what they are, illusions.
        Donald Scrump

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SHOW REVIEWS

BOUNCING SOULS/SCREW 32/THE QUEERS/NOBODYS/LICK @ THE NIGHT OWL
                                                  Pensacola, FL
December 1, 1995                                  (904)433-4291

It was December 1, at the Night Owl in Pensacola. Five bands, lots-o-beer
and tons-o-hotties. The show opened with those wack locals (Lick) that
play some of that poppy shit that all the kids including me are into these
days. Then came the NOBODYS, who play late-80s style joke punk. I thought
that they were some emensly enjoyable lads. *[Fuck the Nobodys! Damn sexist
ignorant bullshit lyrics.. ]* Third were those Berkeley refugees SCREW 32,
who entertained the crowd with their brand of generic hardcore/ska bullshit
that I found pretty damn boring. Then came the BOUNCING SOULS who lived up
to their name and make me bounce! Last was some more of that wonderful
poppy shit. brought to us by The Queers. (This is the point where the
review stops and my testosterone kicks in.) Now by this time you must
understand that I had a few bottles of "fire water" in me and was rearin'
to go. Well anway, the Queers were poundin' out some goodies, and I was
having a good-ole time jumping around and singing. Until I noticed the many
dirt-necks and hair farmers rippin' it up in the (I wanna look like I'm in
that cheezy fuckin' Offspring video) mosh pit. That's when some piece-of-shit
son-of-a-bitch ripped my prized MOTARDS t-shirt. I could see it in his eyes,
this appeared to be no accident. So naturally I retorted by tackling the
bastard and roughing him up a bit, but never-the-less soon we were
interrupted and the little scuffle was no more. Then it was back to some more
good clean fun with the Queers. If you weren't at the show, you should've been
because it was a damn good time. Do yourself a favor and start supporting
your scene because there are a few people on the gulf coast that are trying
their hardest to create one for you!!!
        Bassmaster

MAN.. OR ASTROMAN?/THE WOGGLES  @ SLUGGO'S
January 27, 1996                  Pensacola, FL

It was the twenty-seventh day of January, nineteen hundred and ninety six
at a place called Sluggo's in Pensacola, Florida, USA. Earth. First off
the club was packed, in fact so packed they stopped letting humans enter
the structure. The WOGGLES (From the Atlanta/Athens area) took the stage
around 11:30 pm central time. I must admit I wasn't familiar with them,
except for the few tunes I saw on the sleazefest video (which by the way
is well worth purchasing) What I heard was some snazzy, early Rock and
Fuckin Roll type sounding stuff. I was very impressed with the crowds
response to them. I really did not expect the Woggles would go over as
well as they did. They didn't by any means lack in stage presence, but
if you weren't that impressed by the band, you probably could not peel
your eyes away from the gorgeous go-go dancer. Damn, was she good. Not once
did she look out of place. Most Go-Go dancers I've seen have at least a
short period of time where they look like they don't have a clue as to
what is going on, but not this hotty! Next was MAN.. OR ASTROMAN? (From
Auburn, AL as if you didn't already know that). It has been a while since
I've seen these space cretins and they definately improve with each viewing.
This time they had their stage antics down to a muta fuckin galactic
science. It never fails though every time I see these guys, Birdstuff ends
up getting into a scuffle with at least one of the astromen. On this
occasion it was Dexter X (the new space asshole, that is taking the whole
DEVO thing too far) Well anyway. the band played incredibly as usual and
had the crowd groovin' for at least an hour/ The only thing I have to bitch
about is that the show was not All Ages. This policy really bothers me,
but I saw a few under-18ers scam their way into the show. So, then I guess
everything turned out just about as peechee as it could have.
        Bassmaster

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WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL

 1.  Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
     love with you.
 2.  Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find
     your contact lens.
 3.  Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
 4.  Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
 5.  Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the
     deceased.
 6.  At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
 7.  Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
     not in it.
 8.  Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
 9.  Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
 10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
     sneak him into the coffin.
 11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
 12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
 13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
 14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
     can be read before the funeral is over.
 15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
     who can't afford firewood.
 16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
 17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
 18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
 19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
 20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
 21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
 22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
 23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
 24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's
     mouth.
 25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
    "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
 26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
 27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
 28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
 29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin                                                                 
     for back-taxes.
 30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face
     while praising the deceased.

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RECORD REVIEWS

Wynona Ryders "J.D. Salinger" (LP)     Bollweevils "Heavyweight" (LP)
Lookout records                        Dr. Strange Records
This is actually an LP and a 7".       This band seems to get better with
There are a lot of good songs on       each new release and this is 
this one, including the Mighty         definately no exception. This 
Morphin Power Rangers theme and a      album is heavier than the last,
sarcastic version of the Sex           but coinsides with the bands overall
Pistols "Great Rock and Roll           toe tappin' sound. Buy this!
Swindle". My only problem with it             Donald Scrump  
are the piano interludes between
just about every song, but this is     The Pist "Ideas are Bulletproof" (LP)
still a great record and well worth    Elevator Music
getting.                               This is great! Nineteen hardcore tunes
        Donald Scrump                  that wish death upon the apathetic
                                       whiners that clog the arteries of the
The Pist "Ideas are Bulletproof" (LP)  underground scene.
Elevator Music                                Donald Scrump
Damn are they pissed! This is some
great, street punk shit. It just       Meatmen/Boris The Sprinkler (split 7")
makes you want to get out and go do    Bulge Records
something for the good of the scene    This shit seriously kicks ass! Four
(hint, hint!) You should definately    songs by the always crude Meatmen
check this one out.                    and two by those disturbed schmucks
        Bassmaster                     in Boris The Sprinkler. With lyrics
                                       like "My wife laments, I drink, I'm
Youth Gone Mad "Why is it still        crass! Plug my teenage daughter in the
hard?" (7") Last Resort Records        ass!" how could you go wrong? Unless
This is fucking cool, YGM a few        of course this offends you, if that is
quite twisted lots! One song about     the case then you should definately
how they hate old people and the       avoid this slab.
other about how they hate water. For          Bassmaster
lack of any better description: slow,
new wavish, alternating male/female    Scratch Bongowax "Infeild Mess" (7")
vocals with obnoxiously funny lyrics.  Competant garage influenced punk with
I like it a lot, so buy it ya twat!    more great beats than you can shake a
        Bassmaster                     stick at!
                                              Donald Scrump
Rhythm Collision "Now" (LP)
Dr. Strange Records                    Riverdales "Fun Tonight b/w I'm a 
Whoooooooh!!!!! Open the window,       vegitable" (7") Lookout Records
somebody make a stinky. Generic,       Gabba Gabba hey??? Well, I have quite
Generic, Generic.                      an affection for Screeching Weasel,
        Donald Scrump                  but of all the Ramones rip offs this is
                                       the most blatant and pathetic.
Riverdales "Fun Tonight b/w I'm a             Donald Scrump
vegitable" (7") Lookout Records
Huh? What the hell? I know Ben Weasel  Teengenerate "Smash Hits" (LP)
is heavily influenced by the Ramones,  (Estrus Records)
but this is fuckin' pointless.         Japanese garage rock at its finest.
This Gabba Gabba Blows!                A collection of early singles that is
        Bassmaster                     a must for anyone who enjoys this
                                       genre of music. I will sure miss these
AFI "Answer that and Stay              guys now that they are defunct, but
Fashionable" (LP) Wingnut Records      I'm sure Fink and the rest of the
The music has a bit of a Rancid feel   crew will go on to form other truly
to it, while the vocals save it.       great bands!
The bass player is obviously                  Bassmaster
influenced by Matt Freeman of Rancid
I would appreciate not seeing this on  AFI "Answer that and Stay Fashionable"
MTV, but with their upcoming tour      (LP) Wingnut Records
with the aforementioned money          Catchy, melodic hardcore with Rancid
grubbing sons-of-bitches it is hard    style basslines. Something I would 
to tell what the future holds. All in  like to scrump to!
all an extremely booty shakin', head          Donald Scrump
bobbin' good time!!!
        Bassmaster                     The Motards "...Rock Kids" (LP)
                                       Empty Records
AFI/Heckle (split 7")                  I saw the Motards several months back
Wingnut Records                        and that was my first experience with
I'm always happy to see a new release  them. I was instantly impressed with 
with AFI written on it. I like me      their drunken stage antics and the way
some AFI. Not as much as I like me     they so skillfully destroyed my 
some chicken, but damnit I like it!!   friends house. Anyway, this is really
This is the first I've heard of        great garage punk stuff.
Heckle and I think they're fucking            Donald Scrump
cool. They kind of remind me of OP
IVY. Both bands have cool music and    J Church "Nostalgic For Nothing" (2xLP)
good thought out lyrics.               Broken Rekids
        Donald Scrump                  This is a compilation of several 
                                       previously released 7 in. including
Dead and Gone "T.V. Baby" (12 EP)      "My Favorite Place" and "Ivy League
Prank Records                          College" 26 songs in all. I laughed,
Eight great new songs played at 45     I cried, It changed my life. It's
rev per minute. This release deviates  good.
a bit from their previous 7", but is
still easily recognized as dead and    Merel s/t (CD) Gern Blandstern Records
gone. Every instrument can be heard    I was dissapointed by this CD because
by itself, yet go together very well.  I already have everything on it on 
Reminiscent of early Neurosis. So if   vinyl except one song. It is nice 
that's what you're into, get this.     having it all on a CD and its good
        Donald Scrump                  listening.

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BEER REVIEWS BY THE KID

* - Horse Piss
** - Average watered down American beer
*** - Fairly drinkable
**** - A Very Fine Brew
***** - Brew of the Gods

The Beast- **1/2- Pretty Watered down, but it doesn't have much of a taste,
so it goes down smoother than most cheap American puke beers.

Hamms- no stars- Not only is this "beer" very watered down, containing less
than 4% alcohol, it also is one of the very worst tasting beers in the world,
Maybe second only to Colt 45 Menthol *[The Colt will knock you out!!@# I
love it]*

Weinhardt's Pale Ale- ****- This is a very finely crafted brew with a crisp,
clean flavour. You can taste the hops and grain that went into it, and it
doesn't leave an unpleasant after taste. It is also fairly inexpensive for
a premium beer.

Blackened Voodoo- **- This beer was a huge disappointment. I remember when
I bought it. It had a cool name, and it came in a cool box with evil looking
pictures on it. It was expensive (about 8 bucks), so I thought it must be
some premium beer. I thought I was in for a real treat. Wrong.... It tasted
like swamp scum (Maybe that would explain the swamp motiff on the box.)
The only reason I gave this so-called beer two stars instead of one is
because it does have a fairly high alcohol content.

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Our good friend and collegue Bassmaster is hard up for cash these days,
so he taken to doing disgusting deeds for small sums of money.
Below is a list of some of the things Bassmaster is willing to do and it's
price, in case you need any ideas for entertainment at partys, weddings,
or Bar Mitzvahs.

Sucking someone's fungus infested toe...... pocket change
Eating someone else's booger............... $9.00
Inserting his fist in a cow's rectum....... $20.00
Licking a dog's anus....................... $5.00
Eating someone's scab...................... $10.00
Licking a toilet seat in a public restroom. will do it for a "spanking"
Exposing himself to a nun.................. free
Masturbating a cat......................... Will pay for the pleasure
Suck up a 40 ounce through a straw......... $4.99 plus straw
Inserting finger into a horses' rectum..... personal amusement.

CHICKEN!?

I LIKE ME SOME CHICKEN. DO YOU LIKE YOU SOME CHICKEN? IF YOU LIKE YOU
SOME CHICKEN AS MUCH AS I LIKE ME SOME CHICKEN, YOU WOULD HAVE TO AGREE,
JUST LIKE PEOPLE, SOME PARTS OF THE CHICKEN ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS. I LIKE
THE CHICKENS BREASTASASSASAS. ITS GOT LOTS OF WHITE MEAT. YOUNG, FRESH,
TENDER, WHITE MEAT. THE BEST PART OF THE BREAT HAS TO BE THE NIPPLE. I LIKE
TO GET IN FRONT OF IT AND BARK LIKE A DOG. I LIKE TO STARE IT DOWN UNTIL IT
SUBMITS TO ME. I LIKE TO NAME IT FRED AND GET ALL COZY WITH IT. I LIKE TO
WHIP IT, I LIKE TO LICK IT, I LIKE TO THUMP IT, I LIKE TO SCRUMP IT. THANK
GOD I'M A COUNTRY BOY!!!!
        DONALD SCRUMP

A POOPY STORY
*[ I refuse to write this just cause it is sooooooo fucking dumb. WAIT...
   the other stuff was funny dumb (at least I thought so) but this is
   just stoopid.                                                        ]*

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All throughout history people have invented gods to explain away everything
from storms to our existence. People have invented complex belief systems
to attach themselves to their gods. We've been taught of a god who sent his
only son to die for us. We've been told he's preformed miracles like turning
water to wine. Imagine you have been taught modern science alone and were
hearing all this for the first time. You probably wouldn't even notice you
wet yourself from all the laughter. Yet these religions are still a major
part of our lives today. In our country and many others worldwide,
christianity is shoved down our throats and forced into our brains. We're
barely able to read and write when they start teaching us about jesus and
start taking us to churches. As soon as they get us in we are bombarded with
organs and stained glass windows depicting scenes from the bible.
There is a man in a robe telling us passionate stories of Saints and Sinners.
Along with the mellodramatic behaviour of all the people around you it can
be a pretty overwhelming experience. These beliefs have been carried along
the years for many reasons. Religion gives many people a sense of community
and stability. People who are religious seem to live longer, healthier lives
than those who are not. It's a lot easier to get through life thinking that
something greater is looking out for you. It is also the most powerful form
of social control invented. It's so simple. If you believe in their god and
follow their set of rules, you go to heaven and live in eternal bliss. If
you choose not to, you burn for all eternity with some horned freak shoving
a pitch fork up your ass. It really makes me sick to think that people have
to be scared into treating one another well. It would be a much better world
if we could take comfort in and believe in one another insted of some old
story that got blown out of proportion. We need to accept our own condition.
Anoyone who claims to know of something other than birth, life or death is
full of shit. Donald Scrump

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SURGEON GENERALS WARNING: Smoking
Causes Lung Cance, Heart Disease,
Emphysema and May Complicate Pregnancy.

First I would like to start out with some facts about the substances that
make up tobacco products. NICOTINE is an alkaloid found in the roots, leaves
and seeds of the tobacco plant. This substance is extremely poisonous. In
it's pure form it will cause vomiting, weakness, rapid weak pulse, and even
death. It can be used as an insecticide and to treat tetanus and strychnine
poisoning. TAR is a substance containing carcinogens which have been blamed
for the many cancers among smokers. Last is SMOKE PARTICLES, up to 25% of
these particles can remain trapped in your lungs, even after you have
exhaled. Cells absorb these particles causeing them to function improperly
and create scar tissue on the lining of the lungs. Now that I have gotten
that out of the way, I will try to get on with it!!!! Over the years I have
experienced my own health deteriorate from smoking and I also saw my uncle
literally waste away from the lung cance which enentually killed him. There
are thousands of young people smoking for the first time that think this
will not happen to them. One of the most irritating things I've seen are
cigarette ads designed to make people think smoking is cool or sophistocated.
How cool is Marlboro Man for dying of cancer? How sophistocated would Joe
Camel be, looking in the mirror checking his humps for tumors? The tobacco
industry is the perfect example of corporate greed. They have made their
living selling addictive substances that have killed millions. It's time to
quit and let them know our lives are worth more than their PROFITS!!!!!
        Donald Scrump

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Rejects Illustrated, Post Office Box 81401, Mobile, Alabama 36689
