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!Untouchable Issues Inc!
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! Issue #: 001 | Release Date: 12/5/03 | Author: JakeTheBot            |
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Hey, this is the first issue to be released by UI Inc anyways so this
name untouchable issues, is a name we came up with we where bored so
you see the name just formed up from our twisted minds, so anyways now
we are group writing text files, for you people to freaking read them
so keep on visiting our site and enjoy our texts, we give entertainment
no not really just keep reading this crap, we will keep writing them
we are actualy using our own handles, or orginal handles, so anyways
enough of this, lets get to the juicy stuff for this first issue >:-)

did you ever wanted to piss of your neighbor/friend/family member well
here is something good for you this is orginaly written by me jakethebot
]1. Take a piss on there house
]2. Take a bottle of pee and leave on there door
]3. Take dog poop and throw it on there door
]4. Take a Rat and throw it inside of there open window
]5. Take some spray paint and spray something rude on there house
]6. Take some pie and throw it at there house
]7. Throw some eggs at there house
]8. Toliet Paper there house
]9. Take your hose and turn it on then leave it on ur neighbors property
]10. Have your kid take a squirt gun and squirt the neighbor
]11. Take some chalk and write obscene things on there property
]12. Tell everyone that your neighbor's are racist
]13. Put a ad in the pennysaver that there is a indoor sale and when
people come they will knock/open door of your neighbor's house
]14. Put a ad in pennysaver saying that your neighbor's are giving away
free computers
]15. Put your neighbor's phone number on the internet
]16. Goto some stupid website that needs you to enter your phone number
in telemarketer sites and then neighbors will get telemarkter calls
]17. Have your local gang members, trash your neighbor's house for 20
bucks/less/higher "lol"
]18. Break your neighbor's window with a baseball or some sort of hard
object/ run away dont get caught when neighbor finds broken window they
cant blame you
]19. Take Alkerselzer and throw it on your neighbor's lawn
]20. Take Alkerselzer and feed it too neighbor's dog/cat
]21. Find Your Neighbor's water line and just cut it
]22. Feed There Dog/Cat posion
]23. Get some roachs and earworms and place in bag/paper then throw in
neighbor's window(inside of house)/on lawn/on porch/near there door
/inside of there mailbox
]24. Get some candy gooey crap and throw it/drip it on there lawn/porch
]25. Get some honey lots of it and throw it all over there lawn/house
]26. Take some gooey stuff and put it on there door knobs/car door knobs
]27. Take some strong glue and put it on there door knobs/car door knobs
]28. Get some caulk and caulk your neighbor's door shut!
]29. Get some caulk and caulk your neighbor's window all over write
something mean
]30. Get some nails and place them upside on your neighbor's stairs and
near neighbor's tire when they go pop goes there tire make sure to get
nail in/under car
]31. Take some porno and place it all around the neighbor's house oh boy
when people see all the porn they will judge your neighbor's!
]32. Take a picture of your neighbor then cut there head off of picture
and place on a porno picture then print copys of it, give to people
]33. Call the cops on your neighbor's, tell the police that your
neighbors have been blasting there music loud all night long!
]34. Report your neighbor's to the cops, anonmous way, saying that there
doing illegal stuff or something...
]35. Blast your music hell of loud,if you know what music they hate play
it and blast it
]36. Get someone to rap a tape saying stuff about your neighbor for
example (saying there name is a bla bla bla) this and that then play the
tape a lil loud
]37. Eat lots of gum now spit it on neighbors property have fun lil kid
]38. Get your keys/nail/somethink sharp and scratch something on your
neighbor's car scratch there doors/windows/etc...
]39. Write a sick twisted letter to neighbor's but keep it anonymous!
]40. Write a death threat letter to neighbor's
]41. Write a letter telling them that someoneelse is trying to kill them
]42. Write a fake bill letter using your computer! to your neighbor's

all right we got that crap covered now for more information heehee...
did you ever wanted to "laid" by a girl?, but dont know where to begin?
well you looked at the right magazine, here i will give you some steps
please note: the steps wont guarntee that you will get laid, hahaha
the steps below are written by me: jakethebot, feel free to use them
]1. dont talk dirty to them unless they want you to
]2. respect them, cause you gain respect later
]3. always act nice to them, no matter what
]4. always kiss there feet like there godess
]5. always baby them like spoil them
]6. never say anything stupid, you will screw it up
]7. act like you are her slave, but dont complain at all
]8. life sucks deal with it you wanted to be super nice
]9. get a clean shave,take a shower,brush your teeth,wear cologne
]10. sing them a love song, be mr. perfect ;-).....
]11. make them think they are smarter then you, you will get reward
]12. always buy them dinner, be a gentleman(conman) heehee >:-)
]13. dont take your date to mcdonalds, unless she really wants to go
]14. dress up nice, like you would think she want you to
]15. give her a rose(s), hopefully she isnt allergic haha
]16. uh oh yeah, dont wear your smelly gym socks like a retard
]17. go out and buy yourself new underwear/socks/clothes before date
]18. never ever go out on date with shitty hair style, i warned you
]19. and when having sex or about to, say you love her so much
]20. butter her up you know tell her "coochie things"....
]21. also dont mention your ex girlfriend over and over you retard
]22. dont mention any ex-girlfriends, dont mention your mom too much
]23. dont call your mom, mama, or mother, its too weird, say mom!
]24. relax and think you are some rich ass bastard with a pornstar
]25. then later dont forget to get some condoms you will need em!
]26. also if you ever see the girl again follow same steps
]27. dont mention that u did it with chick too your friends...
]28. wear a condom always during sex including butt sex(trust me...)
]29. and dont fart infront of your date, thats just disgusting
]30. dont jackoff infront of your date,or scratch your underarms
]31. dont poke your nose, or sneeze infront of your date
]32. wash your hands after you take a shit, recommended
]33. thats all for now have fun tryna get laid the hard way!
]34. another thing try to get the girl super drunk,but dont force them

anyways you read that big ass steps guide, now time for more info for ya
did ya ever wonder what ways are good of suicide, like messy/nonmessy
well here is some nonmessy and messy suicide info, we dont endorse in it

]Plastic Bag[
get about 3 plastic bags or less or more, recommend more for death!,now
get some tape like that gray tape and put all of the plastic bags on
your head then, tape it all around so there is no air getting into the
bags, now just go ahead and lay down or jack off until you sleep, once
you sleep you will never wake up!, say good bye, thats suffocation
method without the choking part!

]Taped-Mouth Shut[
alright get some of that gray tape or similar like and tape it on your
mouth tightly until you cannot breath from your mouth and tape it on
your nose too, and maybe even your ears!, now go lay down or stand up or
however you wanna go,then just goto sleep and you wont wake up today!

]Gone a Drinkin[
alright now get your fav beer or if you got none dont need it, anyways
get a soda or whatever if you got it, now get some cleaning supply fluid
or drain-o fluid and pour some into your drink now go ahead and mix it,
or just drink it now you should feel weird your head should feel all
coo-coo anyways go take a breather or just laydown and let yourself
sleep the next day you will be dead!

]Blownin Brains[
alright so you wanna a messy suicide, or a homicide-look alike, now get
a gun and put it in your mouth upwards now pull the trick it should blow
your brains "out", you should die and pass-out but if you dont and you
wake up, you will be a veggie for life, that would suck.

]Hangin The Mans[
now this ones gonna be sort of semi-hard, but yet painful, sick, twisted
get some strong rope, now throw the rop and tie it down get a chair or
ladder now tie the rope around and through your waiste area/crouch 
jump off or kick the ladder so you hang yourself then you should feel
extreme pain, and wish you are getting chocked, didnt you remember to
also put it around your neck too, your balls should have extreme pain,
and you should be choking, now thats one sick fantasy of death you love.

]Gangbanged[
goto your local ghetto town, and find some spot where some guys are
hanging out that look like gang members now go up to them saying shit
like "whats up my nigga", "whats up my homie","what up, southside nigga"
or "you faggots think your all that", "you guys cant fuck wit this",
"you aint nothing but a homo faggot", "haha i own this town nigga",
"i own your ass 187 bitch", "i am the master of murders homo's",
now after those stupid comments, some gang members would beat the living
shit out of you to death and maybe even kill you, so have a fun time
dying while acting like a poser-badass, have fun sucker!

]Nife The Pigs[
now goto your local police deparment and look at a cop make sure you got
a nife a kitchen nife will do, now go upto the stupid cop and stab him
and hold him with the nife to the throat, while the officer is bleeding
the cops will bring out there guns, now stab the cop and go after one of
the cops they should shoot you, hold that nife tight as hell, now go
stab that cop!, when you do some cop shall shoot or not, usally they
will shoot your brains out or heart, now laugh like a evil man like your
not afraid of death, and say you arent afraid to die pigs, that will
piss them off and shoot you multiple times, and if a caring family
member finds out that you got killed by them, they will try and sue the
pigs, so have fun

]Watch Me Fry[
now goto your local washer's/dryer's place get some quarters about
enough that last over an hour or between, now set the settings to
high(hot) and stuff now u can get naked and get in, or get in with
clothes(extremely burns you), note you are in the dryer ok, now close
the dryer door, and watch your world go in circles maybe even sleep in
there with a nife, now you should be burning hot include the metal on
the nife one sick display for kids to see!

]Pizza Hell[
now if you work in a crappy pizza joint, then this one is for you!, now
throw some pizza in there, get in there it will burn hot as hell now
enjoy your last days of your life set that sucker on high, while your
in there eat the pizza it will fry inside of you anyways, now feel the
pain of burning in hell its not good its messy and hard to identify you

]Cutting Me Dry[
now this is less painful but messy suicide, anyways get a bowl of ice
and some water inthere now get a nife now put ur arm in the ice so your
wrist/arm is so numb as heck and when u touch it u cant feel it, so then
after that began to making across cuts over the wrist, now keep doing
that it will take a while but the viens / etc in there arm will feel
messed up, now while your doing this since you cant jack off, watch
some tv or something or drink something, now you will feel no pain until
you get down right raw with it, takes hours till you die, and its messy

alright thats alot of info for you guys, ok some more on how to use the
ip-relay systems, aka "internet calling" without using your own isp
you are using a system that is controlled by operators/you, its simple
ok here i written a little guide on how to use it, its by me jakethebot

]IP-Relaying Guide[
now to iprelay you need to visit a website that has it its really simple
you type in the number you click connect for ip-relay.com you just type
nbr XXX-XXX-XXX then press enter then type ga which means go ahead then
it will dial number and you type whatever then type ga so operator can
say what you typed, then have fun calling outof state stores, and
various things its fun safe and anonymous yes i know it may sound a lil
crazy but its actually cool they say what you want even funny illegal
stuff, also you can call your friend like the cheap ass you are without
using your voice, and you can see what they are saying the operator will
type it on the screen so its pretty much fun now i dont condone in
harrasing people but you can have your little fun, and here is some
commands listed below
nbr = number (the number to dial)
ga = go ahead(gives the ga command to go ahead do that)
now those are basic commands in ip-relay and very simple also if you
want to know if you got a male or female operator its fairly easy just
look at there op tag its like 1337F | f means female | m means male |
so now you get the picture go have fun phreaking online for free the
system is suppose to be used by people who cant hear or cant talk right
or cant talk at all i mean come on free long distance etc :-D just no
out of country calls thats the problem that sucks anyways its fun to
call your local walmart/non-local and ask for stupid stuff go give it a
try call your friends house leaving disturbing messages, or call you
grandmother saying the fbi bla bla, so much fun think of your anarchism
make something up to "say" now the operator deals alot with these so
called prank calls so watch out some operators arent that stupid and
they take action by either putting your ip in a blacklist mostly they
dont, but if you goto a very stupid ip-relay website and you get banned
get a proxy and then have fun using the ip-relay system,
its confidentional and safe, but they still can get your ip so wtach out
what you type, you can even say racial slurs its funny the operators
says them with no problem its like your own personal voice doing the
work anyways this is all for now if you want to go ip-relaying try this
site www.ip-relay.com ! very good i use it so go have fun now!

well i hope you liked that little guide to get you iprelaying i hope so
anyways, so this was alot for you wasnt huh?, ever saw a issue like this
well this is us, untouchable issues inc, yep anyways im gonna give info
want to "borrow" a magazine,from a local shop well here is a guide on it

]Borrowing Magazines/Books[
How to borrow magazines(technicly a few scraps of paper) is very easy,
if you've ever been to Hastings, Barns & Noble or any other store that
has a lot of literature then i bet uve thought about borrowing a mag
once or twice, you go in, find the magazine u want to borrow and act
casual but look for a little peice of metal with a code or barcode on it
take that off with your finger nails or find a way to get it off, once
thats off your free to stick it in your pants and leave, if the magazine
doesent have that you cant get caught (unless someone sees you) its as
simple as that, also you can use a mini pocket nife to remove the piece

i hope you liked that small piece of info on that, my friend fantasy
wrote it, yep he will be comming out with his issue on ui inc, so look
for it, and now for more juicy info for you, check this crap out ever
ever wanted to rip a music video like those video rippers groups but
dont know how well here is a small guide i just written this for you

]How To Rip Music Videos(ati version)[
1. go out buy a tv tuner card, i recommend ati tv tuner pci or usb card
2. install card, install software, run the ati tv software if u got ati
3. then there should be a little camera icon (ati users) then...
4. click the camera icon, manual record until stopped
5. then the video should be recording, oh yeah i recommend selecting mpg
6. mpg is the basic rippers format and its greatly used and its cool!
7. if this guide didnt really help you oh well its a small guide jeeze

anyways thats a mini guide well this might be everything for now today
how about a little mini guide on how to get girls on the webcam?

]Get Girls On Cam[
1. Just talk sweet talk to them, act like your there slave.
2. act like your a very very nice guy/girl then play it off from step 1
3. then ask nicely if you can view there cam, say "can i view your cam?"
4. they might let you then you succefully outsmarted the dumbass
5. then have a happy viewing time looking the girl/girls!

well thats all for now closing up this issue, this was written for info
Untouchable Issues Inc. dont endorse in suicide, or stealing...
anyways i hope you enjoyed this fine issue of untouchable issues inc.
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! © Untouchable Issues Inc 2001-2004, www.hostultra.com/~untouchablezine!
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