Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 7, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, February 17th, 1997
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        "one day you'll forget his chin.
Then you'll forget his eyes.
His hair.
And then his nose.
Until one morning, you'll wake up,
and he wont be there anymore.
That day will be the day when you'll be able to love again".
                        - Luke, "French Kiss"

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        "That's kind of weird.  I seem to never have a man
in my life during Valentine".

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1.      Paper, Prophets and Propaganda
2.      our darkest future.
3.      I want money
4.      For General Distro

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1.      Paper, Prophets and Propaganda
                by Gard Eggesboe Abrahamsen <gard@scriba.org>

Sasha pointed wildly at a big white house behind some big fence.
"ZER IZ DE'WITE HOUZE!" he shouted with eager in his voice. "ZER IZ
DE' WITE HOUSE!" He looked at me and tried to calm down. "Der bee
Amerikanz in de' White Houze! Americanz give us money. We just ask
de' Presiden of Amerika for monee, and he give us monee."
  We only had one problem - how would we get to meet the President?
Certainly, wasn't that the President showing himself in the door,
waving to us, or was it his stuntman? Or perhaps the stuntman was out
playing golf? We wouldn't know for sure, but we'd wave back in any case.
  "Wee need monee," we shouted. "Give monee too us poor studeentz, wee
need it. Wee bee therd wirld." But he didn't seem to hear us. I tried
to climb the fence (a sport known as fencing), but it was so smooth
and slick, I didn't have a chance.

After this wonderful experience, we decided to find our way back to the
metro. Unfortunately, we weren't quite sure where the metro was in
comparison to where we were standing, so we ended up walking a block
up behind the White House, two blocks down on the back side, and we
finally met an older gentleman and a nice young lady. While the
gentleman probably was in his 60s, the lady was approximately my own
age and had long blonde hair and a sight that could melt just about
anyone's brains. She reached her hand out to us, and our eyes opened
widely, she was going to help us. She really was. She might even take
us with her home and give us cookies and tea and... she had a leaflet
in her hand.
  "Do you believe in the message of the Lord?" the gentleman asked. We
didn't, but we really wanted to get out of the sun and find the metro,
so Sasha continued with his Russian accent.
  "De' Meetro. Where iz de' Meetro? Doo yo no wheer de' Meetro iz?"
he queried, while I was trying hard not to fall deeply into the eyes
of this wonderful woman, because I would be gone in a few, and I'd
probably never see her again. She was still holding this leaflet in
her hand, and a tape. I looked at her, grabbed it, and gracefully
thanked her, hoping that this story somehow would lead us together
again. Me and this girl from (*fumble* *fumble* There's the tape)
the Gospel Ambassadors. (Yea, right! Snap out of it!)

Southeastern Mennonite Mission Committee
Gospel Ambassadors
Rt. 1, Box 494, Penn Laird, VA 22846

November 21, 1995

Gard Eggesbo Abrahamsen
P.O. Box 71
6092 Eggesbones
Norway

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your letter. In the letter you ask that we help you
find a young lady with "long, curled blonde hair" who handed you a
tape and a pamphlet. However, we would have no way of knowing who
the young lady was so we cannot help you ding her.

A person's relationship with God is the most important issue in life. I
pray that you have committed your life to the Lord Jesus and are
experiencing the peace and joy that comes from living for Him.

I am enclosing some literature that you might find interesting.

Again, thanks for your letter.

Sincerely,
[signature]
Charles L. Heatwolde, for the
Gospel Ambassadors

----------8<------------
The "literature" was a thick bunch of pamphlets named...
  *  Steps to salvation  (only five of them, not twelve)
  *  GUILT - How can I cope with it?
  *  If You Are a New Christian
  *  What the Bible says about MORAL PURITY
  *  HUMANISM - the Religion that claims no God
  *  Spiritualism, Sourcery and Witchcraft
  *  Is there such a place as hell?
  *  A TERRYIFYING THOUGHT
  *  One minute after death

The first pamphlets try to pull you in, then welcome you, then scare
you into staying in and finally shows you the beauty of heaven.
Hmmmm....
     
        Gard
                 
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   We interrupt this Issue of CoN for a completely
   useless announcement:

   AAAAAARRRGGHHH!!!!!

   This completely useless announcement was brought to
   you in part by Platonic(tm) underwear.
   Platonic Underwear "so tight, it makes you scream!".

   And now back to your regularly scheduled E-zine.

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2.      our darkest future
                by Leandro (ordnael@freenet.hut.fi)

        I went back to my high school to get some documentation
done in order for me to start University.  I've been a bum for
too long now, and it's time I started to do something with my
life.  Still unsure on what to do, I decided to go and talk to
my school's counsellor, Mr. Garisto.  A crazy italian guy, that
seems more interested in looking at the girls in miniskirts running
around the school, then getting any work done.  I don't blame him.
        Upon entering the school, it felt a bit weird, a bit sad,
with voices echoing in my mind which were different from those I
was hearing at that moment.  Ironically I did not expect anyone
to remember who I was, but many of the students I tutored as a
teacher assistant still knew who I was (I, on the other hand was
completely lost on their identities).  I went up to the yearbook
room, but Room 333 is now a storage area reclaimed by the Janitorial
forces.
        Everything has changed, classes have been moved, kids in the
hall look at me weird because I am not wearing the uniform, which has
changed as well, resembling the one of a British private school.
The fourth floor is now the fifth floor, since for some odd reason
the newly renovated basement became the first floor.
        I eventually go back to what used to be the first floor,
and enter the guidance office.  The counsellor shakes my hand glad
to see my again, proud of how far I've gone (unlike some other
people.. yet this school has a good reputation).  He asks me to
wait a minute in the Career Center, a room with all sorts of
information, posters, books and bulletin boards about what to do
after high school.  My eyes fall on the billboard where it says
in big black and white letters "Jobs for the 21st Century".
I stare in horror.
        When I last saw that billboard, there used to be information
on how to become a doctor, an engineer, teacher, physician, and
other hard to get into courses, however which were excellent for
stimulating the mind.  All I could see now were jobs that could
hardly be considered challenging: cab driver, tow truck driver,
sign painter, telemarketing agent, and so on.  The sheets which
described the jobs tried to make them look as important and
fulfilling as possible, but to me they just brought a sense of
disappointment mixed with surprise.
        Is this what the future holds for us?  I can understand that
there are more people losing jobs then people finding one this days,
and even if the media says that the economy is getting better, I
see it around me that it's not.  Yet I can't comprehend telling kids
that becoming a cab driver is a good job.
        Perhaps I am missing the point.  They are trying to prepare
the next generation for an odd future with scarse jobs, a terrible
economy and a life of full of sacrifice.  Maybe I should become a teacher.

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3.       I want money

In article <5a8g22$df4$1@newshost.cyberramp.net>,  wrote:
: Dan <dan_n@pacbell.net> wrote:

: >Hi;
: >I  need alot of money badly; Could anyone help?
: >Dan

: Get a job and stop bothering us with your off-topic posts. You must have
: balls the size of basketballs to just say "Does someone want to give
: me some money?"

  If he does have balls that big, he can earn a lot of extra money very 
easily; all he has to do is let people dribble (on) them!

--
Kyle R. Hofmann  <rhofmann@crl.com>

"There are no significant bugs in our released software that any
significant number of users want fixed."  -- Bill Gates

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4.      For General Distro
                        by Colin Barrett (egress@interlog.com)

     This is a true IBM ordering information quote from one of their 
     catalogs. This is an actual alert that went out to all IBM Field 
     Engineers and to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote this was 
     very serious.
     
     FOR GENERAL DISTRIBUTION
     
     TO: All IBM Field Engineers and Branch Offices
     
     SUBJECT: IBM Ball Replacement
     
     Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
     
        Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails 
     to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball 
     replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, 
     replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly 
     trained personnel.
     
        Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining 
     the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder 
     than foreign balls.
     
        Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of 
     the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. 
     Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method.
     
        Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive 
     handling can result in sudden discharge.
     
        Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used 
     immediately.
     
        It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for 
     maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer 
     missing his balls should respect local personnel of removing these 
     necessary items.
     
     To re-order, specify one of the following:
        F/M 3378462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
        F/M 3383461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

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