Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume IV, Issue 12, AD MCMXCIX
Monday, August 17, 1999
ISSN 1482-0471
-------------------------------------------

`Yeah, but everyone has a bad issue.
However, I picked up a new dictionary today and under FECES, it said 
"noun, 1. the last issue of CoN"'
-- Jeff Wright

-------------------------------------------

"I've been eating shrimp and now I have an itch down there."

"I don't think the itch is a matter of diet but a matter of hygiene."

-------------------------------------------

1.  Editorial
2.  Vandalism by the Book
3.  Welcome to College (or "Higher Education, my arse")
4.  CoN at the movies

-------------------------------------------

This week's Golden Testicle awards:

Britney Spears Breast Pump 

http://www.z100.com/source/hpsn/britney/index.html

Does your dog look like Hirohito?

http://www.homeroom1.com/history.html

-------------------------------------------

1. E d i t o r i a l
By CoN Staff

ALL IT TAKES these days to register a domain is 70 dollars, a server 
and some minor HTML skills.  And this is why, beside a ton of porn 
sites and lame-ass webpages, people are able to create sites such as 
http://www.totalobscurity.com/.

Being the poor bloke that I am, I was surfing the net looking for 
Blair Witch Project related pages to find some more information on the 
movie.  One of the links had "Blair Witch Nose Cam".  Perhaps a parody 
site?  Unfortunately I wasn't so lucky.

"Total Obscurity" is the paradise of the luser of the net.  A 
collection of meaningless information that, beside having it seen over 
and over to ad-nauseum in my mailbox, can be found on just any other 
page on Geocities.  Interested in reading about spam?  Well, our buddy 
here keeps a healthy collection of it, because it's just so damn 
funny.  And of course, useful items like "TV Sucks!", or the ever-
famous forward "Redneck's driving licence" or "Do you know Jack 
Schitt?".  I didn't laugh the first time I got it, I wasn't laughing 
when I saw it there either.

But it doesn't end here.  How did a search on "Blair Witch" get me 
here?  Well, it's a page containing our hero, with a burnt nose, 
looking really close at his webcam.  Too bad it wasn't two black eyes 
and a broken jaw.

The horror continues from the gratifying useless images on the main 
page, to the lovely HA-HA-HA funny images of cactus with an erection, 
to all the glory about himself and his fucking web-cam.  And of 
course, the so-hilarious "I don't follow the masses" type of Poll in 
making fun of idols and bands, that last I checked, were followed and 
liked only by 16 years olds.

And lets not forget the amazing "People I Could Do Without: Are you on 
this list?".  No, but I wish I was.  Reading through that list, hoping 
to find my name and hence, giving me an excuse to burn his website 
down, you have to endure things like:

> Guys who get chatty with me while I'm standing at a urinal. Why do
> some people feel the need to strike up a conversation while they
> shake the lizard?

Shake the lizard?


David Holt, after reading my comment in my last issue, sent the 
following message:

> Subject:        	unsurbcribe
> 
> You promised that if I spelled unsubscribe incorrectly I would
> never be deleted from the mailing list.  This is my attempt to
> participate in the eternal subscription program.

The smart-ass that Dave his, he used an address other than the one he 
is subscribed to CoN with.  Unfortunately for him, he will now be 
receiving two copies of this issue, one to the alternate address he 
picked and which he will never be able to unsubscribe from.

Among the many other things that arrived in my box, was spam.  With 
the risk of turning this Editorial into something remotely similar to 
Total Obscurity, I insist you visit the following:

> In August of 1999, three gorgeous models
> disappeared in the woods while making
> a documentary.
>
> Their footage was never found.
> Would you help us look for it?
>
> THE BARE TITS PROJECT
>
> Please help us find out what happened
> to Julia, Nikki and Becky. Solve the mystery...
> only at Danni's Hard Drive. For details, go to:
>
> http://www.danni.com/danni/scrapbook/baretits/index.html 

I'll leave you with a comment from BJ Sutton, in regards to our last 
Editorial.  Enjoy this issue, delayed and short as it is.

> le petit Gregoire in the last issue of CoN was correct:  BJ Sutton
> is not a french name.  I'm originally from Detroit, the true
> Capital of Nasty. 
>
> And, just to banish any lingering images of me, dramatically
> silhouetted against the Arc de Triomphe at sunset (breathing in the
> heady fumes of thousands of rusty and inefficient french cars), I
> don't live in Paris.  I live in the southwest of France, near the
> spanish border.  It's a lot warmer here, for one thing, and I've
> pretty much exhausted everything a city has to offer.  I don't like
> theater, films tend to repeat themselves, I cook better than most
> restaurants, tv rules the urban conversation, and people are so
> hellbent on keeping up with the "latest" shit they turn into
> totally unoriginal bores, should I go on?  Here they just make
> wine, and when the day is done they drink it.  It's easy.  Quiet. 
>
> For awhile I had the only computer in the region and was a minor
> celebrity. The bank in the next village used to use my fax machine
> because they didn't have one.  This is all very cute until you need
> tech support. 
>
> So there we are for now.  And, ho ho, Mr Bell was spluttering in
> his moustache, wasn't he?  Touchy, touchy.  Mr Smartypants Sutton
> got UP HIS NOSE. 

-------------------------------------------

2.  Vandalism by the Book

By Jason MacIsaac

"Vandalism:  Involves the destruction or damage of property for no 
apparent reason." -Canada's Century

As I've mentioned before in "Reading the (Obscene) Handwriting on the 
Wall" (see CoN #****), I'm a great lover of graffiti and print 
vandalism. I don't agree with the comment "Man's ambition must be 
small, to write his wit on shithouse wall." I find clever vandalism to 
be wonderfully rebellious and witty.  The really good stuff makes me 
snicker and giggle, making the guy in the stall next to me wonder just 
what the hell I'm doing.

Although school, bar and restaurant janitors don't like it, it's more 
or less expected to see some nasty or scatological remark scrawled on 
the door of a bathroom stall.  You aren't too likely to get caught 
doing it, so to some it might seem cowardly.  Some find it more daring 
and still more rebellious to vandalize school textbooks.  

I'm an admirer of this too.  By this I mean going beyond the simple 
drawing of moustaches on Queen Victoria, or even the classic stuff 
like "Turn to page 43!  Right now."  Remember that?  The vandal would 
keep doing this for pages and pages (turn to 107, turn 56, etc), 
usually adding a new insult on each page, until the final shaggy dog 
joke "You've made it to the end--you're nosy!" or "You're a loser with 
too much time on your hands!" 

No, I like it when somebody finds a picture of a politician in a 
textbook and draws in the perfect item or witty comment that lampoons 
what that politician is doing.  Even if the vandalism is stupid and 
juvenile, I like it if it succeeds in being brilliantly stupid and 
juvenile.

I have a textbook that I used in Grade 10 History.  It's called 
"Canada's Century." I had the course in 1987, and the book was dated 
even then (published in 1978).  Now of course, it's just silly.  It 
has a chart of the Top 30 songs of the day.  Artists on the list 
include Shaun Cassidy, April Wine, Styx, Theme from Close Encounters 
of the Third Kind, and Andy Gibb (the number one song is "Stayin' 
Alive").  What makes it even sillier is that one of the former users 
of the book took to vandalizing it.  

The former owner had a thing about sex.  A lithograph of Halifax being 
constructed shows the governor pointing out something to a flunky.  
"Fuck him and him!" is his instructions, according to my Vandal Wit.  
A photo of prospectors forming one long line between a mountain pass 
has one prospector singing "Hi ho!  Hi ho!  It's off to fuck we go!"  
A soldier looking at a mate climbing a trench ladder says "Nice ass!"  
Doctors in a field hospital remark of a patient "This one's fucked 
Doc!" The doctor concurs "His balls are healthy and hard."  An 
erection is helpfully drawn on the patient.

Uh, perhaps I should clarify at this point that this wouldn't be one 
of the more mature pieces I've written.

Another picture shows a cop making an arrest.  The suspect has his 
hands against the wall, bent forward.  The cop is right behind him.  
"Push it ahh!  Push it real good!" says the suspect.  Another picture, 
showing the site of an FLQ bombing shows one cop kneeling in front of 
another.  The standing cop is shown to be saying "Suck harder!"

Scatology is a subtheme.  Prime Minister Mackenzie King is featured, 
walking his dog.  Turds have been drawn in.  "Oh shit!  You fucken 
dog!" exclaims King.  The dog retorts "Shut your face fucken asshole!  
I have to go!"  For some reason, King is also sporting an erection 
that looks much like a pencil tip.

Judge Rosalie Abella, the youngest judge appointed in Ontario, is 
labelled "Geek!" A lawyer addressing another courtroom observes "These 
microphones look like dicks." One of the jurors on a picture of 
courtroom looks at the judge and says "What a fucken boring asshole."  
I wonder if he was really referring to the judge, or his teacher.

The crowning moment though is a picture of Prime Minister Pierre 
Elliot Trudeau, a man I have a tremendous amount of respect for, since 
he actually made politics entertaining (unless you were a Separatist).  
The picture shows Trudeau, hand raised and cupped a little ways away 
from his chest.  Someone wrote in "Her tits felt like..." I giggle 
looking at that picture even now.  It's what made me steal the 
textbook at the end of the year.  The only lowpoint is that my usually 
brilliant scribe stooped to drawing a beard and moustache on Anne 
Murray.

Teachers told us that they checked books when you turned them in at 
the end of the year for damage, and would bill anyone for any artistic 
enhancements we had made.  In most cases, this wasn't true.  I know 
this because even a cursory glance at my Grade 11 American History 
textbook would have resulted in a fine.  The larger, more expensive 
texts such as Physics did get checked, however anyone taking physics 
isn't generally a hellraiser who will be drawing penises on Sir Isaac 
Newton.  If anything, the odd bit of highlighting or circled words 
would be in there.  That didn't stop the extremely anal physics 
teacher from turning each page of every book.  He also wore a lab coat 
at all times, to give you an idea of his lack of personality.

But I digress.

Sadly, I do not have my American History textbook with me to document 
what I did (I lost my chance to steal it), so I will have to work from 
memory. If anybody out there reading this miraculously has the book I 
used, I will quite seriously buy it from you. 

The kind of humour is very distinct.  I didn't usually draw, just 
wrote word balloons or silly labels.  I am quite proud of those 
captions.  The one that comes to mind is a photo of General Custer.  I 
wrote in a word balloon saying "It seemed like a good idea at the 
time."

You see, this demonstrates applied knowledge.  You have to know about 
Little Big Horn in order to get the joke.  It's not only funny, it's 
educational!

Well, admittedly not everything I wrote was of that calibre.  

Sometimes I went for just the straight shock--profanity and plenty of 
it.  I remember what appeared to be a statue of a girl yelling, a 
stick in her raised hand.  She was on top of a horse.  The horse 
looked like it was in torment, moving at top speed.  I wrote in some 
dialogue for the horse "If this bitch hits me with that goddam stick I 
will throw her and stomp her fucking head in, so help me God."

For people looking at the camera, I occasionally added the timeless 
"What the fuck are you looking at?"  That's a great one, and 
applicable to just about any photo where someone is looking at the 
camera and is doing anything but smiling.  Try it sometime.  

And most of all, you may have noticed that photos of people from the 
past are quite funny looking.  They've always got some weird hairstyle 
or making some insane gesture, or glance.  I'm quite proud of a 
caption I assigned to a picture of Thomas Edison behind his movie 
camera.  Edison has a maniacal gleam in his eye, so I wrote "The 
filming of the first pornographic movie" under the photo.  I also 
pointed out that some guy who's name I can't remember had a hairdo 
exactly like the space shuttle.  Impressive since it must have been 
taken at least 70 years before space flight.

Although I stand by the juvenile stuff I wrote, I must say that some 
of the things I wrote are an embarrassment to my progressive views.  
Feminist pioneer Betty Friedan was in the book, and she happened to 
photographed holding her thumb and forefinger an inch apart.  I wrote 
"His buns were just so firm and tight I had to take a pinch."  Oh 
well.  At least I didn't make some snotty remark about penis size.  It 
was probably unnecessary to label her "Parrot face" in the same photo.  
Well, Friedan has a bit of a honker on her, and at the angle the 
picture caught her.you get the picture.  I think I did stop short of 
writing "Betty Friedan want a cracker?  Rawk!"

I have since repented though. I've read the Beauty Myth and the War 
Against Women.  My favorite title in the feminist literature library 
is "Men Are Not Cost Effective."  I have never once made fun of Naomi 
Wolf, Germaine Greer or Marilyn French.  Though I must admit, I am 
tempted to take a potshot at Camille Paglia.  

Please don't show me any of her books with photos of her on the cover.

---
Jason MacIsaac also speaks of the pompitous of love, and has nothing 
to lose but his chains.  In his spare time he enjoys slouching towards 
Bethlehem.  

-------------------------------------------

3.  Welcome to College
(or "Higher Education, my arse")

By Goat "I'm not bitter" boy.
Special thanks to the many that contributed to this.

During high school, we'd get people from various colleges and 
universities to drop by our school and do presentations on how great 
they were.  At the time I saw this as a great service.  People cared 
about our future!  They wanted us to get real jobs, and have a decent 
living.  And so I'd sit there listening to all the great possibilities 
that awaited us once we escaped the dark dungeons of learning.

Even our Guidance Counselors, the most useless fucks in the entire 
school, would work hard at making sure that we'd get into college.  
I'm just wondering, for every student that applied, how much did he 
get back in commission?

The sad reality is that it was nothing more than a marketing scam, 
driving you to spend all your heard earned dollars (or to drown in 
debt) to take courses that were to make you more intelligent.  
Counselors would tell us that without university we'd never get to be 
astronauts or scientists.  Like shit I am going to be.  Of all the 
people I know from school, not one is an astronaut or some wacko 
scientist.  In fact a few of them are in jail for drug trafficking or 
for beating up their girlfriends.  But the point was, high school was 
a starting point to mold our brain and get us ready for this tough, 
demanding and affordable higher education that awaited us at the end 
of Grade 13.

Teachers in high school would often talk about the difference between 
high school and university.  Apparently we couldn't fuck around 
anymore.  Cheating would be impossible, writing book reviews based 
only on the little blurb on the back cover would no longer work, and 
any excuse we gave would easily be shot down by the professors who 
could figure out if we were telling a lie or the truth.  Thinking 
about it afterwards, to me it sounded more like the teachers were 
insulting themselves.  "Is this why you are an high school teacher?  
Because you can't tell if I am bullshitting you when I am writing this 
book report?"  Which basically said either high school teachers didn't 
give a shit or they were half-assed morons.

In high school you didn't have to pay for books.  That meant that not 
only could you vandalize them in any possible way, but that for sure, 
you were going to use them.  I don't recall a single book in high 
school that we were not forced to drag around.  High school books 
usually weigh a ton and are huge (minus the religion books.  No, those 
books had enough pages to maybe allow you to wipe your ass once, twice 
if you were lucky).  And boy, did we use our books.  Every single 
book, as old as it was (my history book dated back to 1972) got plenty 
of use.  Sure, the diagrams are off by 27 years and the population now 
counts ten more million people, but that's beside the point.  Not one 
person remembers anything they learned in high school now, much less 
five minutes after class was over. So 1972 or 1992, it didn't really 
matter.

But college or university is different (College in my case).  While at 
first you are mesmerized by the pretty look of the entire 
infrastructure, you start to soon realize that it's all a cover-up to 
the shit that's waiting to explode underneath.  Starting from the 
office, you'll be faced with the biggest bunch of morons ever.  Beside 
the fact that not one of them seems to know anything, they are the 
rudest assholes ever.  Okay, I can understand that you are forced to 
put up with us, snotty little ungrateful bastards that we are, but how 
about showing some decency when facing us from behind the counter?  We 
are after all spending a quazillion dollars to learn things by 
ourselves here, and we are the same snotty ungrateful bastards that 
pay for your salary.

And how about some decent equipment?  Is it possible that there is not 
enough money running around to buy real computers to do our work on?  
My pre-Paleozoic computer sitting at home can do a better job running 
the same programs that apparent "state of the art" top-of-the-line Mac 
has a hard time chewing on.  I'm not sure here who I am to blame.  
Maybe it's really Apple's fault their computers never have enough RAM 
to run a single program or that they crash each time you hit save.  Or 
maybe it's the system administrators that do diddly-squat in their 
offices all day.  And of course, any mention of these problems, the 
stock answer "new equipment is on their way" is what you generally 
hear back.  Where I am going, some stuff has been "on it's way" for 
two years.

And let's not forget the people that teach the course.  I could call 
them professors, but it seems to me that `instructors' describes them 
better.  While there is the occasional understanding soul that sees 
effort and progress in a student, others just seem to enjoy the 
gigantic schlong between their legs that their position seems to 
create.  Remember how in high school we'd be told "Life is not fair?".  
Here it's "It's the real world".

So here are my top 11 survival tips for College/University:

1) Don't buy the books.  Besides costing more than a week's worth of 
your salary (you are usually paying 10% for the book and 90% for the 
copyright), they are damn useless.  A professor will tell you over and 
over how crucial it is to have this book for the period of the 
semester.  (This is called "marketing".  One has to wonder if they get 
a cut of every book sold in their class).  You will never use this 
book.  Even if you are warned that you will be tested on some chapter, 
don't bother.  Beside being boring and not having enough photographs 
that one can alter or write comments on, the material on which the 
paper is printed on isn't even good enough for a good wipe in case of 
emergencies.  And usually, by next class, which is a week away, the 
professor will have forgotten that his course even included a book, 
much less reading Chapter 4.

2) Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.  Who ever said that such wonderful rules do 
not apply in other fields, in the real world?  Same with College.  If 
an assignment is due, check what you have done already.  Chances are, 
all you have to do is rub off the date and hand it in with a big 
smile.

3) Let minimal requirements be your best friend: if the assignment 
calls for just a few specific things, and nothing more, just do those 
few, specific things.  That's all that the instructor will look for, 
after having gone through a zillion identical assignments.  It doesn't 
matter how pretty and shiny the whole thing is.  This ain't 
kindergarten and you don't get a stamp with a smile that says "good 
work".

4) Make assignments as painless as possible, not just for you, but 
also for the instructor.  They will be grateful.  Show them in their 
face what your assignment is supposed to do or have.  Don't let them 
have to waste time looking for it.  This ensures that the instructor 
will find it, mark it, and go to the next one, without spending too 
much time wondering how you did it or why you did it, ensuring you a 
good mark.  Any difficulty that causes them to start thinking will be 
an automatic mark deduction.

5) Don't complain.  Nobody will listen to your complaining, unless the 
whole school goes into a revolt, burns the building down and hangs 
instructors by their testicles off a wooden pole in the courtyard.  
And even then they will argue against what you have to say.  Besides, 
what you are complaining about will only affect the students of the 
semester that will follow.  So why die bravely for a cause you will 
never see the light of and of which you will never gain any benefits 
other than a low mark and the reputaiton of a shit-disturber?  
Instead, in that useless class where the curriculum has yet to be 
touched (while the semester is almost over), use it as a chance to 
surf for porn, check your mail, or sleep.

6) If you are doing an indipendent project and halfway through it you 
find yourself making a drastic change, don't tell anyone, even if you 
are required to do so.  Instead, create the project with the change 
you saw fit, and when the time to present/hand it in arrives, don't 
say anything.  There is a good chance nobody will notice that it's not 
what you were originally doing.  If they do, just explain how "it 
evolved", "it's visual rappresentation in a different perspective", 
and other big words, sprinkled with a healthy dosage of bullshit.  If 
you are in scientific courses, where the above may not be appropriate, 
kindly explain how in your research you found how much _that 
something_ affects what you originally were doing and it could not 
have been left unmentioned.  Unless you get a really anally retentive 
professor, chances are, you'll get away with it, since any argument 
will delay the other 500 students waiting in line to present/hand 
in/talk about their project.

7) If something has to be handed in, and you haven't done it, hand 
something in.  Something, anything.  It doesn't matter.  For as bad as 
yours can be, someone else out there has done it worse, or not done it 
at all.  You still get a passing grade and never the reputation of 
"doesn't do his assignments".  It will help you pass if your mark is 
below passing grade when the instructor checks back to see if you at 
least put some effort into the class and notices that you never missed 
an assignment.  

8) Try skipping a different class everytime.  Since many instructors 
manage to fail to follow their curriculum at all, by the end of the 
year they have only one thing to calculate your mark on: attendance.  
So skip MacroBiology today and next time skip Marketing.  This way you 
still get your day off, and of course, your marks.
Observing other people skipping is also a good way to determine how 
good or bad a class is, permitting more than one average skip.  If 
there are four students in Poetry Writing, but everyone shows up for 
Marketing, you know that for as swell the latter is, the former must 
be plenty worse and a few more skips will go by unnoticed.  If 
everyone is doing it, is it really skipping?

9) Make friends.  Another crucial survival tip, which ties back in 
with #8 may be to make friends (preferably lots of them).  You'll be 
surprised at the generosity of your classmates when your ass is on the 
line.  On your first day of class (if you don't know anyone), make it 
a point to get to know the people sitting around you.  They also come 
in handy for when you skip class and need notes, or to form study 
groups, etc...

10) When doing a project, make sure that you use equipment at school, 
even if the one you have at home is 100% better.  This will ensure 
that your project will work during your presentation, even if only for 
that particular machine on that particular day.  Considering how 
everything will be blamed on you (it doesn't matter if the machine at 
school crashes every 5 seconds and can't run more than two 
applications at a time, if your life depended on it), it will always 
be your fault.

11) Course Kits: another shameless way to make money.  Courses kits 
are nothing more than photocopied pages of "selected" text, bound 
together, that the co-ordinator of the course "seems" to believe are 
"appropriate" for your growing education.  Purchasing them has only 
one advantage: the paper is not glossy and hence, ensures that a good, 
healthy, wiping can be accomplished without the mess that a regular 
book will do.  The disadvantage is that, beside never using this, it 
can't even be sold to next semester students once you are done with 
it, since their version has already changed enough to make yours 
obsolete 10 minutes after you bought it.

So for now I'll just swallow my pride, finish the course to get my 
money's worth, and just hope on the idea that the diploma will look 
impressive to anyone who doesn't know about the course the day I go 
looking for a job.

---
"Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by 
education." 
-Bertrand Russel

-------------------------------------------

4.  CoN at the movies.
By Jeff Wright

I've got a lot of stuff to cover this issue.  
EYES WIDE SHUT
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
INSPECTOR GADGET
DEEP BLUE SEA

When I saw EYES WIDE SHUT, I was the happiest person on the 
planet.  I was watching NEW KUBRICK!!!!!!  The corners of my mouth 
were seemingly attached to my ears.  It was the first show of opening 
day, and I was first in the theater, therefore getting the best seat 
in the house.  This was gonna be perfect.  I would have kicked someone 
out of that seat if I hadn't been there first.  I hadn't slept all 
night out of anticipation that at 12 noon the next day I was going to 
be seeing a new masterwork.

The movie starts, and the first scene is projected at 2.35:1 for 
some reason.  I thought that it might have been shot that way (I 
couldn't see why it would have been, but it might have been) because 
it looked perfectly framed.  Then they opened up to 1.85:1.  Oh fuck!  
Are they gonna screw this up?!?!  (There weren't anymore projection 
problems thankfully)  I digged the hell out of the first hour and a 
half or so of the film.  There are moments of genius in it, and the 
orgy sequence is one of Kubrick's best ever.  But then the film falls 
apart for me.  Too much unimportant information given.  If the movie 
had had about forty minutes cut from it, I would have adored it.  
However, the stuff that I didn't like at the end was enough to make 
this the first Kubrick film I haven't liked.  
I've only seen it once, and I guess I'll see it again soon, 
because supposedly it's better on repeat viewings.  I have to give it 
a second chance I suppose.  Kubrick was everything a filmmaker should 
strive to be.  He made perfect films, that were intelligent, 
beautifully crafted, and straight forward.  I still miss him.

On to happier thoughts.  THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.  Well, 
actually I guess this isn't happy, but it's better than thinking about 
there being no Kubrick in the world.  The actors opperated the camera 
in this film, and it's pretty evident.  The camera shakes around 
wildly for almost every frame (or field I suppose) of the film.  I 
wasn't watching much of it after half.  I was motion sick, as were a 
lot of other people.  I was looking into my hat, at my feet, and just 
flat out closing my eyes to keep from throwing up (a.k.a. Pulling a 
Gus.  Inside joke, sorry).  I ended up leaving before the end so I 
could watch it on video and not know the ending.  The impression of 
the film that I left the theater with was that the acting was 
spectacular and very real.  Other than that I wasn't that impressed.  
It was okay, but I think that alienating part of your audience by 
making them sick is retarded.

I just finished watching a video copy of the movie, and I wasn't 
terribly impressed.  The ending begins to build tension (the first 
tension in the film for me) but then just falls flat and doesn't have 
any payoff.  So I'm still impressed by how much money this movie's 
made, and by the actors, but other than that, I don't think it's a re-
invention of the horror genre, or anything spectacular.

Dute, do, dute, do, dute, INSPECTOR GADGET.  Dute, do, dute, do, 
dute, do, woo, woo.  I don't have much to say about this other than 
it's really, really bad.  It's an interesting failure, but not 
interesting enough for me to recommend it to anyone.  It's pretty 
painful to watch for the most part.  Catch it when it's on tv.

Here we go!  DEEP BLUE SEA!!!!!!!!  How bad does this movie 
look?  Really bad!!!!!!!  Well, that's partially true, but only the 
first half hour or so is bad, and it's got a lot of problems (the 
score, L.L.Cool J, the dialogue, etc).  The rest of the movie however, 
KICKS FUCKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!  Now I'm not 
saying that it's a genius film.  No, all it is, is a kick ass ride.  
It's a fun, fun movie.  I haven't enjoyed a movie of this kind in 
ages.  If you liked ANACONDA you should like this even more.  Even if 
you didn't, you should like this.  As long as you're able to sit 
through the first half hour, you should like this.  The reason being 
that you build up hate for the characters during the terrible first 
act.  Then the sharks start killing them off.  

Renny Harlin (Who I didn't have an ounce of respect for before 
this.  Okay, he banged Geena Davis.  Props for that), can't direct 
character driven scenes for his life, but his ability to direct action 
is displayed in lights in this movie.  This flic is all about what 
would really happen.  How are eggheads gonna survive against giant 
fucking sharks!?!??!  They're not!!!  When a shark sees a main 
character, "FUCK YOU!!!!!!  I'M GONNA KILL YOU NOW!!!!!!"  Fun stuff.
All I can say is "Go see this movie!!!".  Even if you don't 
think it's as good as I do (REALLY, REALLY GOOD) you should at least 
feel that you got your money's worth, because there's one scene in the 
flic that if you don't laugh at, you have no soul.  No fucking soul at 
all!!!  You'll know the scene when you see it.  It's one of the 
funniest things I'VE EVER SEEN!!!  

Looking over this, I've come to realize that I'm not that subtle 
a writer.  I'm using caps and exclamation marks all over the place.  
So to make up for my agressive approach, I'll end with a terrible 
piece of poetry.

That's it for me  
The movie to see 
is DEEP BLUE SEA

Thank you.

---
Last week, Jeff left for L.A.  When asked the reason for the trip, he 
answered in six words, then walked out the door.  "The KKK took my 
baby away."

-------------------------------------------

CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org.

"Squirrels chase nuts, birds fly.  That sort of thing."

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome

http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost
electronically.


Available on Usenet newsgroups alt.zines and alt.ezines. This mailing
is sent exclusively to those poor souls who chose to subscribe to the
Capital of Nasty mailing list.

Spread the word! If you have friends who would like to receive CoN,
ask them to send email to join@capnasty.org. If you'd like to 
unsubscribe because such email aggravates your tolerance towards
squirrels chasing nuts, simply send an empty message to leave@capnasty.org.


Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat)
Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro          Colin Barrett
<leandro@capnasty.org>            <tyrannis@capnasty.org>


ZimID 708EC8D1  1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32  7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
