Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 32, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, August 11th, 1997
ISSN 1482-0471
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"Life is an interactive game. Not much of a plot, but great graphics."
     - Hammed Malik, Web Programmer.

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Linda Smitley points out, in regards of the advertising bloopers article
which appeared last week, that "Kellogs Bran Buds" in Swedish becomes
"Burnt Farmer".

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1.     Voice mail hell
2.     Monty Haul Gamemasters - A dangerous epidemic
3.     Newsbits
4.     The CoN Movie Review: George of the Jungle / A Simple Wish

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 This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to:

                  Traumagotcha
       for the disturbed child within you

 http://www.toymania.com/figurethis/trauma2.html

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1.     Voice mail hell
           by Art Neilans

     [I found this article while reading Eye magazine, in their "Space
for rant" section, August 1997]

     Good Morning.  Bonjour.
Ici/Welcome to Conglomerated Amalgamated Industries.  For service in
French press 1.  For service in English, press 2.
     If you know the extension of the person you are calling, enter it
now.  If you know the name of the person you are calling, spell it now
using the touch tone pad of your telephone located directly in front
of your viewing area on your personal hand set and you will be given
his/her extension.  If you know the department you are calling, please
spell it now using the touch tone pad and you will be given the central
number of the voice mail servicing that specific profit centre.  If you
do not know the name, number or department you are calling, please
call again after you have had a chance to gather your thoughts and
regain some focus.  If you still want to stay on the line please press
4 for more options.
     If, for some reason, this call is important to you and you would
like to leave a message for this special individual whose name, number
and department currently escapes you, please press 6 for our advanced
search options.
     If you know his six-digit birth date, press 5.  If you know his
11-digit provincial health card number, press 8.  If you know his
17-digit Vehicle Identification Number, press 9.
     If you are calling to register a complaint, please enter your
27-digit personal access code printed in Braille in the lower right
corner of your quarterly statement.  Your call will be taken by the
next available corporate therapist, who will attempt to navigate the
Rubik's Cube of your convoluted thought processes in an effort to
unearth the personal demons that are causing you to drag everyone
down into your own private hell.
     Please stay on the line to maintain priority.
We appreciate your patience.

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2.     Monty Haul Gamemasters - A dangerous epidemic
           by Peter Fung


                   MONTY HAUL GAMEMASTERS

                    A DANGEROUS EPIDEMIC

                   By Artimage W. Peasley

              Ph.D, MA, BS, CCS, KGB, NRA, NYC

     Professor, Game Psychology Dept., Miskatonic University 


	THE INFORMATION  you are about to read is true.  Due to the
sensitive nature of the subject, the names have been changed to protect
the innocent.  Readers are advised to use discretion to prevent an
unwanted rash of Monty Haul-style gamemasters.  The author cannot be held
responsible for outbreaks of giveaway campaigns. 

September 3, 1988:  A 16-year-old gamemaster allows a party of 3rd level
adventurers to acquire the Wand of Orcus by means of a single dice roll.

July 13, 1990:  The Bifrost Bridge is destroyed by a 2nd level sorcerer
during a campaign run by a 31-year-old stockbroker.  The gods are so
distraught by this event that he is able to conquer Asgard
single-handedly.

October 29, 1994:  A 18-year-old high school student allows a 1st level
magicuser always casting an Ice wall spell, a 100% kill rate on anything
he encountered.

August 18, 1996:  A 24-year-old computer consultant permits three
characters to devastate R’lyeh and destroy Great Cthulhu himself....with
a handgun.   


Are these a demented game designer’s worst nightmares?  Perhaps.  But
they are something far worse.  They are real.  And they happen everyday
through the world.
	
      	I began working in the Game Psychology Department of the
Miskatonic University 1967.  At that time our biggest problem was to
determine the political and social ramifications of the game Twister.
But today our challenge is much greater.  We are faced with a group of
people known affectionately as "Monty Haulers."  They come from every age
group and every walk of life.  Most were raised in a good home and given
a chance to make something of themselves.

	Yet there is something monstrous lurking deep inside these people
which shows itself when they run a role-playing campaign.  This
over-whelming urge to give away treasure and allow peasants to destroy
gods with a single blow is spreading like a cancerous growth and
undermining our society.  Their mutated style of running a campaign is as
dangerous as the most deadly, horrifying disease.  They are infiltrating
our games and threading fibrous tendrils throughout our gamemasters.
Their very presence is like pustulating, oozing flesh dripping with
mind-consuming gore......

	Ahem.....sorry.

 	While working on the Monty Haul Syndrome at MU, I conducted many
interviews with known or prospective Monty Haulers.  Throughout my
studies I noticed that some of these people allowed the giveaways
attitude to affect their normal life.  Conducted in 1990, the interview
most indicative of this is in part reproduced below.  We have been
extremely careful to avoid the use of last names to prevent public
ridicule.

     Miskatonic University:  "How are you feeling today, Steve?"

     Steve:  "Well, I’m fine, thank you."

     MU:  "Are you still playing role-playing games since your
     inauguration?"

     Steve:  "Well, yes." 

     MU:  "How’s Cora?"

     Steve:  "Well, she’s fine too.  Would you like to have her?"

     MU:  "Uh, no thank you, Steve.  What would you like to talk about
     today?"

     Steve:  "Well, I’m trying to balance the budget this week, but it
     always comes out with a deficit.  I guess I should let everyone
     take what they need and then give the rest to charity."

     MU:  "Don’t you think that’s a little bit harsh?"

     Steve:  "Well, yes I guess you’re right.  I’ll give it all to
     charity."

     [Later.....]

     MU:  "I guess that about wraps it up for today."

     Steve:  "Well, I guess I should pay you.  Here’s my wallet."

     This kind of attitude is going to ruin our game-playing society.
It will reach out like the gaunt hand of death and squeeze the life
force from our genre.  It will creep langorously into our very souls
and ravish our sanity to the point of utter and irrevocable insanity!

	Excuse me.  I digress.

	The standard method of treatment for these giveaway gamemasters
is to subject them as players to a campaign similar to their own style,
and then immediately drop them in a campaign where they are stripped of
their possessions.  This is a traumatic shock to the average Monty Haul
player.  The emotional repercussions can be dangerous.  The immdeiate
reaction is screaming and jumping  (tantrumus throwicus) and repeat of
the phrase, "You can’t do that to me!"  This will pass, following by
the "I’m-leaving-and-never-playing-with-you-again" phase ( called
ILANPWYA by professionals).  Given enough time to think about their
actions, the Monty addict will usually return at a later date.

NOTE:   There seems to be a bizarre case of selective amnesia associated
with the ILANPWYA phase since the player will claim to have said "no
such thing" (along with the amazing reappearance of his possessions
including some new magic which allows him/her to call back his
possessions back from anywhere at any time).  Repetition of the
possession-stripping must then follow, perhaps including the total
destruction of some pieces.  This can often lead to violent reactions
(including a repeat of the ILANPWYA phase).  If, after several
applications of this treatment, the player hasn’t changed or moved away
permanently, chain his hands to the bumper of a car and threaten to
drive to the other side of the world.

	If you feel that you or someone you love is in danger of
becoming a Monty Hauler, take the Monty Haul Self Test and see how you
fare.  If you rate a definate Monty Hauler please contact the MHA (Monty
Hauler Anonymous) nearest you.  Do not feel ashamed or embarassed by
your actions.  The MHA is there to help you cope with this terrible
disease; to ease the undying evil feeling inside which elicits gibbering
and weeping when someone questions your judgement.  Never again will you
feel the overwhelming urge to smother your players in that horrible,
mutated, cnakerous style of playing.  No longer will you exert your
dank, putrid, unthinkable rules on innocents.  MHA will surely put a
stop to the bubbling, monstrous, and downright icky things you inflict
on these poor hopeless souls.

	Please get help.  Most people are not as stable as they seem.     


MONTY HAULER SELF TEST
MISKATONIC UNIVERSITY


     Answer each question using the following Peasley scientific
rating system.

1-False.  Wrong.  Unthinkable.  Never happens.

2-Usually doesn’t happens.  Not likely.

3-Sometimes.  Sort of.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  I don’t care.

4-Usually true.  most of the time.  Yeah, I suppose.

5-Always.  Fer sure, eh.  Yep.  No doubt.  Of course, eh.



---[1]	The amount of fun a player has is directly proportional to the
amount of treasure he receives.  And my players are ecstatic!  In
fact, they have more treasure than is found in the entire Dungeon
Masters Guide and I’m proud of that.

---[2]	Artifacts are meant to be used.  The more the players have in
their possessions, the better the game.  And this stuff about side
effects is silly.

---[3]	Experience points are only a guideline.  You should alwyas give
out more than the book says.  Even if the players didn’t win the fight.

---[4]	I have created many new magic items like the Backpack of Holding
(which has a 27 cubic-mile area	and weighs less than a balloon) and the
Decanter of Endless Anything (which contains an infinite amount of
liquid you can think of including, but not limited to, water, oil, wine,
brandy, vinegar, acid, poison, root beer, brain fluid of a mind flayer,
and any potion real or imagined).

---[5]	Players I my campaign never die.  Except when they really tic me
off.  A lot.

---[6]	Gold doesn’t weigh very much in my campaign.  Why, the other day
a  first-level magic user obliterated a Kobold  (with a ice wall spell)
carrying 700,000 gold pieces.  He then carried them back into town.
Alone.  Barefoot.  And blind.  With one hand.  At night.  Not that
nighttime makes any difference if he’s blind. 

---[7]	There is an abundance of magic items in my world.  For example,
there is a paladin who collects	Holy swords.  He’s looking for number 74
right now.

---[8]	My players don’t argue with me.  In fact they love me.

---[9]	I am charge of a non-profit organization.

---[10]	I didn’t find this article humorous.  It was offensive and the
author should be shot.


Total your answers and check your score below:


10-15   You certainly don’t have a Monty Haul problem.
        In fact you might consider being a bit more generous.  					
        No need to torture your players so much.  Meany.

16-25   Not bad.  You’re a stingy, but overall you’re doing okay.  					
        You’d make a great game designer.

26-35   Borderline Monty Hauler.  Be very careful.  You may end up in
        deep psychological trouble.  If you begin donating heavily to
        any organization, see a doctor.

36-45   You need help.  You’re definately suffering from Monty Haulius
        Extremeus and should see a professional counselor.

46-50   You’re in deep trouble.  A real pushover.  Don’t try to get
        help, it would infect others.  You are 	hopeless and should
        probably consider locking yourself in the basement and swallowing
        the key.


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3.     Newsbits

Contact at home

     The SETI program at radio telescope in Arecibo, Puerto Rico, is
producing a huge amountof data that scientists don't have the resources
to analyze.  Internet surfers who have computer power to spare are being
recruited to help analyze chunks of the data, reports New Scientist
magazine.  "Each volunteer will be supplied with an analysis program that
automatically processes the data for a few hours or days, before returning
it to the server. ... The Internet project is called SETI@home and is due
to launch next spring".

     Courtesy of Mike Kesterton (Globe and Mail)


Lock up your gnomes, Belgian police advise

Police have advised residents around the central Belgian town of Wavre
to lock up their garden gnomes at night after several disappearances,
Belga news agency reported Wednesday. Garden gnomes -- popular in
Belgium -- had earlier been disappearing in the city of Namur to the
south of Wavre and callers to police there claimed responsibility on
behalf of a group called the "Gnome Liberation Front." Police have not
drawn a link between the incidents in Namur and Wavre. Two gnomes
disappeared from a home in the hamlet of Grez-Doiceau, near Wavre,
Belga said, and were later found hanging from a tree with a note
attached saying where they had been taken from.

     Courtesy of Jurassic Gard, NEWSpot ECE 7/30/97

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4.     The CoN Movie Review: George of the Jungle / A Simple Wish
           by Leandro+

     I was brave.  I brought my sister to see both "George of the Jungle"
and "A simple wish" on the condition that my girlfriend would then take
her to see "Good burger".  She said "sure" and asked if the movie
is any good.
     "Good burger?  Yeahhh..." I answered "Damn good movie!"
I got this feeling I will be single soon (or dead).
     Since I had promised my sister that I would take her to see the
darned two movies, I had planned to see "A simple wish" first, since I
had assumed it was going to blow goats, and "George of the Jungle" last
since I was pretty sure it was going to be amazing.  If I had only
known...

"A simple wish"

     Although many looked at the fact that this movie has Martin Short
in it, and that annoying little kid from "Matilda", this movie is a
must see, especially if you have a brat sister that you want to keep
quiet for a while (while she is distracted you can sabotage her
Tomagotchi).

     I arrived in the movie theater thinking that this movie was going
to suck, and I was surprised to see it was actually funny, instead of
dumb.
Remember the girl in Matilda?  She's back, this time she's the
daughter of a wannabe Broadway show singer dad who, for a living,
pulls a carriage in Central Park.  Since the little girl's teeth is
falling out, Murry (Martin Short) pays her a visit to grant her a
wish.  Of course Murry is clumsy (kids apparentely love that about
people) and screws up her wishes.  Dad turns into a statue, the horse
on the carriage turns into a mouse, the carriage itself becomes a
pumpkin.
Of course there are also the forces of evil, as a Fairy God Mother
gone bad (turned to the "dark side") steals all the wands from the other
Fairy Got Mothers in order to be an all powerful witch.  Guess who's
turn to save the day?

     There are plenty of frogs, but that's not before turning a
tobacco-chewing redneck in Nebraska into a 50 feet tall Rabbi.  That
scene alone is worth watching the movie.
Lot of computer special effects throughout the movie, but they are
very well done, and most of all, not overdone.

    If you need a movie to take your kids to, and you want to enjoy it
as well, I suggest "A simple wish".  It's got everything a kid wants
to see


"George of the Jungle"

    Why?
You'll hear yourself repeating that question many times.
Why am I here?
Why are we staring down the cleavage of that woman?
Why are his jungle-boxers getting closer to the "danger line"?
Why are all these women in the movie looking at George and drooling
and making comments of a very sexual meaning?
Although this is a movie, you will be tempted to yell back at
George that "maybe George is just stoopid", but tests have proven
that the actors on the screen can't hear you.
    I used to watch "George of the Jungle" in the morning because it
was fun, and because it was a lot better than watching "Rocket Robin
Hood", so I had entered the movie theatre expecting a funny movie that
even I as an adult (I'm an adult now) could enjoy.
Instead I find an actor that could easily be a combination between
Jean Luc Van Damned and those psychotic facial expressions that only
Mel Gibson has, with oil all over his muscled body and jungle-wear
that always seemed to be ready to fly off.  Oh and he crashes against
trees a lot: not even my sister laughed after the nth time.
     Something I did not expect from a Disney moving was seeing George
arrive via UPS (advertising?), open up a box and put on Nike Air, only
after he shows them to the camera in every possible angle.
     One thing I noticed by Disney movies, new or old, is that there
seems to always be a scene where an animal does something particularly
stupid, and everyone just laughs for way too long.  I guess it's one of
those Disney By-Laws: "If making a movie, it must have a 2 minutes 45
second part where a monkey eats a banana, and everyone around laughs
like idiots".
     Oh, there is a plot, but the moment you start watching the
movie you will probably figure it out right away.  I don't want to
ruin this great flick for you.

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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere.
Published every monday (or Tuesday)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive.
Comments and Queries welcomed.

http://www.capnasty.org/capnasty - ISSN 1482-0471

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