TO OUR LOYAL READERSHIP:

I have the responsibility of releasing this week's issue of CoN with many
apologies for its lateness. Leandro is suffering from the stomach flu. He
is resting as much as he can, and he assures me that he will be able to
release next week's issue. I'm sure he'll be grateful if you drop him a
line and wish him  well.

					THANK YOU

					Colin Barrett
					Capital of Nasty

-------------------------------------------

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 5, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, February 3rd, 1997
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        "I like sex.  I love especially to be tossed on the floor,
tied, and raped in the darkness... Hey, are you okay?  Are you
choking on your tea?"
                     -- Samantha, Eastern Commerce student

-------------------------------------------

Special Announcement:

        "Hello and thank you for shopping at No Frills.  We're glad
to announce that as of today, we are not selling anymore EggNog.
It's finished.  No more.  Kaput.  Please stop asking us to look in the
Creamery Support Room.  There is no more.  Even if we wanted to, we
couldn't sell it just because it will be another 11 months before we
get the next order.  So go away, leave the dairy clerks alone.
Men can live without EggNog.  No joke."

-------------------------------------------

1.	Wired Women on the Bus
2.     VIRUS ALERT!!!!      
3.     Scooby Doo stuff

[Lemon curry???]

-------------------------------------------

1.	WIRED WOMEN ON THE BUS
		by Leandro <ordnael@freenet.hut.fi>

	I was on my way to work one morning, sitting in the cramped
and stinky Eglinton West route 32C bus.  I had managed to get a seat,
which allowed me to rest my arm by dropping my gym bag behind my
legs.
	Two women, probably in their 20s were sitting in front of me,
on the bus.  The first girl began talking about computers:
"My brother" she started "installed Microsoft Office and it had this
thing called Word for Windows 7.0, but it came with Office!"  She
seemed extraordinarely happy about this discovery.  "It's the latest
version, seven point zero" she confided to Stephanie, her friend, who
didn't know what to say.  She just smiled, with a lost look in her face.
	"I write my essays" the girl went on, "and if I spell
something wrong it puts a little squigley line under the word that
needs to be corrected.  So what I do is that then I check every page
to see if there are some mistakes and I look up the words in the
dictionary.  I love it!  I'm so bad at spelling!"
	"How did you find that out?" asked an incredolous Stephanie
"Well" replied the first girl "I couldn't understand why the program
would put those squigley lines under some words, but then I noticed
that they were the same words my teacher underlined in my essays,
because I had spelled them incorrectly!  So now, everytime I write an
essay, I write it in Word!"
	"Wow!" replied Stephanie "you're a wired woman now eh?"
I got off, with their giggles still bouncing in my head.
                 
-------------------------------------------

2.      VIRUS ALERT!!!!

[ED: Lately more than usual, I've been getting that pesky Good Times
Virus Alert sent to me by cluless (albeit well meaning) newbies who
honestly think they're doing the right thing by forwarding that
fucker to everyone under the sun. That combined with deliberate
publicity stunt gone wrong known as Irina, we seem to have of late
a thriving culture of bullshit flitting from mbox to mbox with the
naive end users in a tizzy to warn us all about the next killer virus.
The Computer Underground Digest (http://www.soci.niu.edu/~cudigest/)
assembled an entire issue (8.85) about the online hoax phenomena,
and the following was offerred as the humerous response to the mother
of all virus hoaxes (the dreaded 2400 bd modem virus). While hardcore
net vets have no doubt seen this already (years ago) I thought I'd
run it here for the rest of us mere mortals who didn't have email
accounts before this decade.  My plan is to henceforth send this lil
snippet back as a response to anyone who ever sends me a virus
alert again...]

        Date: 11-31-88 (24:60)  Number: 32769
        To: ALL Refer#: NONE
        --ROBERT MORRIS III     Read: (N/A)
        Subj: VIRUS ALERT       Status: PUBLIC MESSAGE

        Warning: There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than
        anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line,
        riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the
        serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks
        spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy,
        West Dakota alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes.

[Lemon curry???]

        It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac,
        RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.

        To prevent the spresd of the worm:

        1) Don't use the powerline.
        2) Don't use batteries either, since there are rumors that this
           virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the
           positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just
	    the negative pole.)
        3) Don't upload or download files.
        4) Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks.
        5) Don't read messages. Not even this one!
        6) Don't use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.
        7) Don't use keyboards, screens, or printers.
        8) Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or
           mainframes.
        9) Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat or
           airconditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the
           wheel.

        I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this
        virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic flui9ds of
        our computers can be kept pure.

        ---RTM III
--
BLAST.famy                           http://www.shmooze.net/blastfamy
volume 2 ish 5                  Mark Jeff or Vic, PWC's resident BOFH
December 1996                                    <markjr@shmooze.net>

-------------------------------------------

3.	Scooby Doo stuff

Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early
childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the
show was really all about. As I've gotten older, it has become more
clear to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were
actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all
sorts in the Mystery Machine. 

What We Remember: 
Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in
their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort--and in the
process meet all kinds of interesting people. [Lemon curry???]

The Truth: 
Four high-school dropouts and thier sentient dog ride around the
country in their psychodelic love machine, earning their way by
selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask
off to solve a mystery. It may be a little hard to swallow, but just
take a look at the evidence... Take Shaggy for example. Not only is
he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy
dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he
smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy
can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole. And then there is
Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets
his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies.
Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack,
they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are
told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.
The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest
that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it
because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the
world--they drove to China once). These other characters do have
their own peculiarities however..
Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go
solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two
are really doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery
Machine. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that
remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid
carf around his neck. And what about Velma? Everyone's least
favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned
out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where
do you thing Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet
spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.
So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world,
slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and while
all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'. If we had only known
these things when we watched this cartoon as children... 



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 


Scooby Doo

Scooby was a stoner. He would work the slide on Shaggy's bong when
they would pull tubes in the back of the Mystery Machine. Scooby
may also have taken shrooms.

Shaggy

Well, just look at him. Baggy clothes, pale skin, goatee,
crackly-voice and excessive munchies (he and Scooby both). Judging
from Shaggy's gaunt figure, I gather he also is into heroin. As
Dave Letterman would say, he's "wacky on the junk". DEFINITIVE
PROOF: Constant munchies by both Shaggy and Scooby; excessive
giggles, the episode where Shaggy puts fish food on his sandwich

[Lemon curry???]

Velma

Possibly cocaine. Cocaine is (supposedly) a powerful aphrodisiac.
The episode with Don Knotts comes to mind: After being trapped in
a hole, Scooby finds a way out. Velma immediatly turns to Freddy,
wraps her arms around his shoulders, and begins to lift her mouth
to his.**I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP** Unfortunately, the shot cuts
away and we are left with a sense of mystery deeper than the ones
in the plots. I say speed because she looks like a worn out
college student; her parents fought for her success, pushing
her too far. She feels that she must impress her parents, but
solving mysteries all night makes her exhausted, hence the use
of speed.

Daphne

Diet pills. Have you ever seen how skinny the girl is? Perhaps
cocaine as well, but this is based only on the fact that she is rich
and wears a scarf.

Freddy

Cocaine. Most definitly. The clean cut image; the white sweater,
blue pants, SCARF wore around neck, neatly combed hair and strong
jaw all suggest that he is a major coke head. Freddy may also be
a part time dealer, judging from the fact that none of the gang
works, and yet they drive around in a conversion van with a custom
paint job.

Secondary Characters:

Scrappy

If any drug, I would definitly say caffeine. These massive amounts of
caffeine which Scrappy ingested (off camera, of course), led to his
over-all annoying characteristics and hyper-activity, with a feeling
he could take on the world.

Scooby-Dumb

Scooby-Dumb hailed from the country. He obviously dipped into the
moonshine, more than likely having his own still. He also partook in
the harvesting of hallucinogenic mushrooms, perhaps, as he lived in a
rural area where mushrooms were probably quite abundant.

The Villains In Every Episode

Impure LSD or other brain-damaging drugs. Why else would the run
around, steal things, laugh like freaks, dress up in outrageous
costumes, and think it no big deal when a TALKING DOG and a group of
meddling kids interfered with their master plans?

The Cops in Every Show

This one is easy; donuts and Jack Daniels, probably every detective
on the series carried a little flask with them in their breast pocket.

As far as I know, this is the most difinitive analysis of its kind on
the Internet. Their is a Top Ten List as to why Scooby-Doo is a
drug-related cartoon, but the facts are shallow and poorly analized.

[Lemon curry???]

The Theme Song for "The New Adventures of Scooby Doo"

With Comments By Seth (in brackets)

We got it all together for a brand new show![just released from failed
re-hab centers]

Scooby-Doo is here and away we go [on a psychadelic trip, Scooby
probably having at least a sheet of acid]

(Shaggy)While Scooby-Doo is runnin from a spooky ghost [a ghost only
Scooby sees]

Shaggy is doin what he does the most! [smoke pot]

Hey, c'mon get involved, until the mystery is solved!

(Shaggy)Hang around for Scooby Doo!

Hey Scooby!

(Shaggy)Like where are you?

(Scooby) Over here! [here being a safe spot during acid trip: men's
room stall, bedroom corner]

(Shaggy)That's my pal![drinking buddy]

(Scooby) Scooby-Dooby Doo [uses the word "dooby" in his own name; need
I say more?]


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Top Ten Reasons Why Scooby Doo Was a Drug Influenced Cartoon

10.   Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts
      and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scooby and Shaggy.

9.    Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.

8.    Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one
      who could hear him and understand him.

7.    Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended
      for the monster because they were tripping over themselves and
      couldn't see where they were going.

6.    They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were
      dressed up in some costumes and entertaining the monster.

5.    Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, i.e., "like ZOIKS,
      Scoob, let's get outta here!!"  What's a zoik?

4.    Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of the van
      (doing who knows what).

[Lemon curry???]

3.    They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that
      weird trippy design on it's side.

2.    Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.

1.    Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc., 'nuff
      said.



/* Dave Kaczanowski  dk94bb@sandcastle.cosc.brocku.ca                         
                     dave@sinister.ed.brocku.ca
                     http://sinister.ed.brocku.ca/~dave
                     "So he says, 'You've got legs, baby,
                     YOU'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE!" The TMBWBAM */
         
-------------------------------------------

In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere.
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine	"laugh: don't cry"
Published every monday (Hhahaahhaah!)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive.
Comments and Queries welcomed.

http://www.capnasty.org

Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat)
Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro          Colin Barrett
<ordnael@freenet.hut.fi>          <egress@interlog.com>

ZimID 708EC8D1  1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32  7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
