Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 28, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, July 14th, 1997
ISSN 1482-0471
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60,000 tourists visited Roswell, New Mexico last weekend. As
usual, nothing happened, but this time there were more witnesses.

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     "Thats right, the electricity in India is 110 or 220.  Often
sometime in between, and sometimes more than 4 KWA".

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1.     Readers' Letters
2.     Bras
3.     Revenge: a tutorial
4.     POEM: Choke

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 This week's Golden Testicle Web Award goes to:

What the goverment doesn't want you to know ...
Has the Pathfinder landed on Mars, or are those pictures
closer than we think?

        http://www.txdirect.net/~mbrown/

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1.     Readers' Letters

From:             Hooman Shahlavi
Date sent:        Tue, 8 Jul 1997 12:50:10 -0500 (CDT)
To:               con@capnasty.org
Subject:          Re: Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine, II.27

Ciao Leandro:

Come te la passi?  I read your little excerpt on inter-racial
relationships and the problems related thereto, and I wonder
if I may ask you a question.  Is your girlfriend Asian or Middle-
Eastern?  These are the two cultures that are most known for
arranged marriages.  I think it may surprise you to know that many of
these "arranged marriages" end up lasting a lifetime for some odd
reason.  I'm not condoning them in any way, but it's kind of ironic
that we critize them since we live in a society that seems to treat
marriage like sports contract (If I don't like this deal then I'm
simply going to find another team to play for!) terminable at will.
Being of Middle-Eastern origin, I have relatives who always tell
me about a family that they know who has a daughter who they want me
to meet.  My response, however, is usually cynical and something to the 
effect of "How much of a finder's fee are you asking?".

Tanti Saluti,

Hooman Shahlavi

--[Editor's response]--

Dear Hooman,

     my girlfriend is from an Indian background.  Although I can
understand the problem that some cultures have about inter-racial
relationships, it is hard to control in a country like Canada where
a large of variety of cultures interact everyday in the same city.
Toronto is probably the only city that lacks one identity, because
it adopted everyone elses.  In a city like this you can't prevent two
people from different backgrounds not to interact with each other
just because of their differences.
     As for arranged weddings, I've seen many, especially now that I am
in a more direct contact with this type of culture, that have failed.
Those that remain are either because the daughter respects the father
and doesn't want to go against his wish or because it is culturally
accepted by the two partners.  Even if they are not happy, they will
still go on with their lives because this is the way they have been
raised.  The Italian culture is very similar to this, where divorces
are rare, since it is believed that God has placed you in that situation,
and you must deal with it (although it's probably changing now).
    I think that if a relationship is meant to work, it takes both
partners and a great deal of love and patience for it to function.
No matter if it's an arranged matrimony or one that was born from
your heart.

     Leandro+


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2.     Bras
		by IMPROV

     Usually during my article I ramble on about some of the terms
or sayings we use in everyday life...Not this time, this time I want
to talk about something very serious, that’s right, I’m talking Bra
prices.  A very important garment in today’s world is the ladies
brazier.  (Perhaps this whole article is useless what with our female
counterpart being permitted to bare all in public, but never the less,
bra’s SHOULD be worn sometimes, otherwise gravity will take it’s toll)
Anyhow, that’s another article.  

The reason that I bring this up is because bra prices are outrageous!!!  
Allow me to explain how I came to this revelation:

     The other night, at another fun filled evening at the bingo hall,
(IMPROV works in a Bingo Hall - Ed) I was leafing through a Zellers
flyer (it was either this or the ever popular BINGO BUGLE).
(Zellers for those that don't know is a chain of stores similar to 
By-Way but a little more.. sophisticated -Ed)   I noticed a picture of
a woman standing there in her skivvies (which naturally caught my eye)
modelling Warner Bras.
Fine, nothing new, but for some strange reason my eyes wonder away from
the half naked woman to the price just beside it, it read: Warner Bras
assorted styles and colours from $24.99.  This is Zellers, y’know,
"where the lowest price is the law, everyday".  Lowest price my ass!!
Why can a man buy a freakin’ 1/2 dozen briefs  for 1/2 the price as
ONE bra.  As a man I’ve never noticed this.  Not with either of my
Ex’s did I ever have to buy a bra, skimpy lingrie yes, but just a
bra, no.  If I was woman I’d be upset at this.  Twenty five dollars
is a lot of money for something that (theoretically) no one besides
yourself sees.  So I’ve come up with a scale to make the pricing of
this unique item fair...retail outlets take note:

The bigger the size, the more the bra should cost.  This is because,
lets face it: flat chested women have been cheated enough to begin with.

One rule...easy to follow, for example:
Bra Size: 28 AA
Price:  2 dollars
Makes sense, right?
Bra Size: 38 DD
Price: 20 bucks

     Now I know there is going to be some women (no doubt flat chested)
offended by this.  Don’t be, I’m on your side, I’m trying to save you
money.  I feel your pain.

     Oh, just as a side bar, if there are any bra manufacturer’s reading
this, here’s a request:  If the garment MUST do up at the back, please,
only one clasp...it’s hard enough to get undone in the heat of the
moment, never mind three!!!

     But I guess this article is useless now that our female
counterparts are being permitted to bare all in public thanks to a
new Ontario law.

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3.     Revenge: a tutorial
     by Leandro+

     Welcome to yet another issue of Capital of Nasty.  In this issue
we will look on how to get back at those people that did something
against us on purpose.
     A word about revenge: it's not the right thing to do.  Although
it feels mighty good to hurt someone who has hurt us, it makes us
just as low as them.  Like spamming, when a spammer sends you e-mail,
and you flood him back, you are wasting bandwith.  Unfortunately I am
not like that.  I am the kind of person that will flood spammers and
depending on the punk, will prefer revenge to forgiveness.

    The following are techniques which will assure you plenty of evil
laughs while avoiding any blame to be directed at you.  I think that
mental pain is much more satysfing, no matter how much a person
deserves to have his knee-caps shattered.

     Although we let anger take over us and we want to immediately
retaliate to the punk, we could also put ourselves in a lot of danger
by doing something stupid.  "Revenge is a plate best served cold".
Let your anger cool down, and regain control of yourself.
     As Mark Twain tells the story of the missionary who was captured
by cannibals, "they listened very carefully to every word he said.
Then, they ate him".
     The point is that you shouldn't let the fuse of your bomb burn
out before the bomb has detonated.

6 Easy Steps for a Succeful Revenge:

Before you start your revenge, there is one particular thing we have
to be made aware of: not getting caught.  Don't think of the punk that
did you wrong as a victim.  Think of him as an evil entity, as a bully,
as someone who deserves the punishment.  After all, we're on a mission
from God.

1. Prepare a plan:
The Sicilians are people that plan their revenge, instead of letting
ire be their judgement.  Sit down, plan everything.  What you'll need,
where you'll go, what is going to happen.  Try to imagine what you'll
do in case you get caught, what you are going to say.  If you have
everything planned, and something goes wrong, you wont panic.  You'll
have a basic idea on what to do.

2. Gather Intelligence
Create your own espionage centre.  Start collecting information about
your target.  What are his habits?  Get to know him.  The more time
involving your attack is going to be, the more information you should
gather.  Before you start to spy, make a list of the things you think
you should know before engaging on the retaliation.
Plenty of informations can be found in your target's garbage.  By law,
once the garbage has been left outside, it is okay for you to pick it
up.

3. Buy supplies away from home
If you require any material or supplies or some particular service,
make sure you purchase away from where you live.  Buy what you need
far in advance and pay in cash.  Credit cards can be traced back.
Don't be too noticeable.  Try to be as inconspicuous and colorless
as possible.  Don't talk to people unless you have to.  In other
words, try to be "just another face", and prevent people from
remembering you.

4. Don't let the world know
Althought this might sound stupid, some people have the bad habit of
telling others of who is doing what.  This is because they feel
extremely clever, without realizing that they are jeopardizing their
entire operation.  Although you might be tempted to share with others
your keen plan, a secret between three people is best kept when two of
them are dead.

5. Deny everything
If you are accused, act shocked and surprised.  Even hurt,
and outraged.  You could even pretend in the beginning not to
understand what the person is accusing you of.  Depending on the
situation, use what is more appropriate, but make sure you deny
everything.

6. Don't leave traces
Accidentally you might leave a trail that will lead the authorities
right at your front door.  Don't tell anyone of your plan, unless
it is an implicated accomplice.  If you have to use the phone, don't
use yours.  There are plenty of public phones, and make sure you
pick one away from your home.  Don't leave fingerprints.  Wear gloves.
Let some time go by before you put your plan into action, or your
target will figure out too easily that it has been you repaying his
dirty trick.  This also means that you should warn your victim of
something you will do to them.  In case the authorities DO drop by
your house, make sure you don't have any evidence visibly lyeing
around.  If you printed out this issue, feed it to the fire once
you're done reading it.

     I hope this has provided you with a basic tutorial on how to
plan and put the perfect revenge into action.  I think there is
nothing better than causing havoc with some punk's life without
them knowing who did it. Mrs. Helen Fostaty used to tell me in my
High School: "If you have to be bad, be good at it".

    If you need some further help in creating your perfect revenge,
you can consult the books written by George Hayduke: "MAKE MY DAY!
Hayduke's best revenge techniques for the punks in your life".  Even
if you are not planning a revenge, they are humorous enough to keep
you entertained (and make you walk around with an evil smirk on
your face).

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4.     POEM: Choke
           by ~Econokryst (aka Rev. Michael James Sherlock)


     Alright, so I've been signed on to Capital of Nasty for about a
day and a half.  I just finished reading my first issue (which I
enjoyed very much, thank you).  So, I figured I'd send one of my
poems for possible publication (criticism is always accepted).  This
one is called "Choke", and it is, admittedly, not one of my favorites.
However, this piece is usually more widely accepted than my others.
So here's the background on this one:  I live in Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania, USA, in one of "those" middle class areas which is quickly
becoming extinct.  My home, of 22 years, is crowded in among many many
other people's homes on a typical city block.  And, I couldn't name more
than 5 people out of the hundreds who live in my neighborhood.  I'm a
bit of a loner, you could say.  There are also about 2 dozen bars within
walking distance of my house.  After all, this is a Catholic/Irish area
(or at least it used to be).  So one particular night, I was feeling
particularly low because I knew I didn't deserve the wonderful woman I
was dating at the time (I broke up with her soon after).  And I felt
very inhibited ny my surroundings (including my immediate family), so I
walked to my favorite watering hole 2 blocks away.  It was raining.  I
got soaked.  Of course I brought my note book with me.  It also got
soaked.  I sat down at the bar, ordered a Southern Comfort on the rocks
(we call it SoCo around here), and began to scratch out "Choke".  It is
basically what I saw, and what was bouncing around my head as I walked
to the bar, where I knew I was sure to get heavily intoxicated.  Hope
you enjoy it, I'll be sure to send some others.

Choke

I struggled free of a choking grasp as I left my house that evening.
I strolled right by the passers by and never my eyes went blinking.
I burned my path with X-Ray sight into the sidewalk cracking.
The rain that fell was just for me as it went on attacking.

I view the ground, my eyes don't raise to see my urban setting.
Desirous angels kick and scream caught in their nylon netting.
Rook takes queen, a casualty, a winner takes victory laughing.
Gears still turn and bones still snap as minds continue crafting.

When we make love, do you feel stained?  My thoughts they strike stampeding.
A heart that pumps, a mind that thinks, they leave my tear ducts bleeding.
A three day wait, so I was told, so I don't lash out prevoking.
And on the third day, I'll rise again, and free myself from choking.

~Econokryst


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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere.
Published every monday (or Tuesday)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive.
Comments and Queries welcomed.

http://www.capnasty.org/capnasty - ISSN 1482-0471

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