Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume VII, Issue 7, AD MMII
Monday, April 8, 2002
ISSN 1482-0471
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What has this world come to?  Ozzy osbourne has gone easy listening.
Ozzy: "I'm just a dreeea-mer..."
Listener: "No damnit, your paranoid, see, people think you're insane 
because you're frowning all the time damn you!"
Ozzy: "I dream my life away..."
Listener (disgusted): "you are NOT iron man"

-- Kiwano

-------------------------------------------

"The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more 
expected."

-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972

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1.  Editorial
2.  The Revival of a Nation
3.  Drama is life with all the boring bits cut out
4.  Never go "On the make"

-------------------------------------------

This week's Golden Testicle award:

http://www.g-news.ch/articles/nhp200nc/

Beyond the case mod.  Simply Beyond.

-------------------------------------------

1. Editorial
Contradictory Emotions

By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro

I learned an interesting lesson the other day when a series of 
events occurred.  These events not only helped me understand what we 
do here, but also shed some light on what our manifesto and perhaps 
our ideals may truly be.  It also left me, at least for a while, in 
a state of conflict with myself.

Let me explain.

A while ago one reader contributed a story.  After asking whether he 
had read and agreed to our legalese, which he claimed he had, I ran 
his story.  The legalese seems, to me, both fair and perhaps a 
little harsh: the story remains the author's, with all the copyright 
and related rights belonging solely to the author. We gain, however, 
the right to send the story to the subscribed members of CoN, post 
it on Usenet and display the article indefinitely on the website.

Is this too extreme?  The idea is not to take advantage of the 
author, make money off of him or steal his article but simply to let 
others enjoy the work, whether it arrives in their inbox or they 
read it online.

Some time later, the same author found a publisher willing to buy 
the story from him on the condition that the publisher has "first 
rights" to the story.  Rightfully, the author mentioned that the 
story had been run on this e-zine and another, causing the publisher 
to turn down the offer.

In the hopes that the publisher would change his mind, the author 
requested that the story be removed from our site (and possibly, I 
assume, from the other) and wrote back to them.  I'm currently not 
sure of what the situation is, but I do hope a cheque is in the mail 
for him.

On my end, the first thing I did was remove the story.  Later, I 
offered to write to the publisher that the article had been removed.

But I can't deny that I was somewhat upset.  Not much for the fact 
that we were given something and then it was taken away; I was upset 
because the removal of the article disrupted the integrity of the 
issue in question and that by removing the story to sell it defied 
what CoN stood for: writing for the sake of writing.

Other issues occurred to me, such as getting slapped with some sort 
of lawsuit for "stealing" work we had been given.  While the article 
in question no longer appears on our website, you can still look at 
the cached version of it on Google, probably Web Archive, Usenet and 
whoever happens to keep a copy online, all of them carrying the 
Capital of Nasty banner.  And that's not counting the many, many 
copies received by subscribed members all over the world.  I wonder 
if that would work to our advantage in a legal battle.

As such, I am currently refusing to run any other article he has 
submitted just in case this happens again.  I'm not sure if this 
decision was too harsh or just zealous carefulness.

At the same time, I was happy for the author.  In any way, shape or 
form, if we can help with the success of an author we'll do it.  In 
some cases, we've even written letters for authors who use CoN as a 
place to show off their work.

Nonetheless, I was annoyed and yet I did not want to be.  I have 
absolutely no right to be such a wanker.  An author decided, out of 
his generosity to provide content completely free of charge, and 
here I am whining like a little bitch.  We have absolutely no right 
to interfere with one who would like to make a profit, even if 
minimal, from his or her work.  It is that person's work after all, 
and our ideals, no matter how pretty they may be, should impose no 
obstruction.

My only defence, if it can be accepted, is to be a gullible fool 
that believes things can be done, not for money, but for love.  CoN 
is an expensive and time-consuming hobby but very rewarding.  We do 
not provide any monetary compensation for the articles we receive.  
But we do provide an audience, take care of distribution and have a 
website where others can read an author's work.  I am hoping that 
this does count as something.

When CoN first started, it started as a labour of love, for a love 
of writing, entertaining whomever may read it. Money is nowhere in 
the picture (other than the money required to pay the bills to run 
CoN), and I foolishly assumed everyone else saw it the same way. It 
remains this way.

This does get mocking comments and responses of surprise questioning 
our seriousness but remains an ideal that I and many others strongly 
believe in.

So to the author or any other contributor to CoN, all I can say is 
good luck.  I seriously hope that this is the first step into a 
great career in writing for you, but keep in mind the commitments 
you've made.

For me, I shall begin by smelling the ever-famous coffee and realize 
that ideals are a great thing, but I can't possibly expect everyone 
to share them, for ideals don't pay the bills.

-------------------------------------------

2.  The Revival of a Nation

By Konrad the Bold

I once spent some time in northern Europe, between Russia and the 
Baltic Sea, in a little country called Latvia. Latvia became 
independent after the break up of the Soviet Union and has had a 
fairly successful transition to a free-market economy. What makes 
the country so interesting is that it managed to resurrect its 
language and culture after decades of Russian cultural dominance. In 
the days of the Soviet Union, Russians continually migrated to the 
region, bringing with them their language, culture and laws. Russian 
was the official language so government business and university 
classes were conducted in Russian. 

What threatened the Latvian language even more than the influx of 
Russians was the fact that Latvians were learning Russian while most 
Russians remained determinedly monolingual. This made Russian the 
lingua franca and resulted in a steady erosion of Latvian culture. 
Even today, about 30% of Latvia's population is made up of ethnic 
Russians. After Latvia gained its independence, because of concerns 
about Russian cultural domination, laws were passed instituting a 
Latvian-language test as a pre-requisite to voting. Naturally, many 
Russians were outraged that they could not vote without first 
learning Latvian. The government's message was clear: if you want to 
live on equal terms with us, in our country, you must speak our 
language.

Thanks to the lack of serious ethnic tensions, the country, while 
still poor by western standards, has been experiencing solid and 
steady growth since the early 90s. There is still some discord 
between the Latvians and the Russian minority though not nearly on 
the level of Yugoslavia. There is no real fear of violence; rather 
the situation is best described as mutual dissatisfaction. Latvians 
are uneasy about the influence of Russian culture while Russians 
feel sidelined in Latvian politics. What it reminds of most is the 
province of Quebec.

For those unfamiliar with the situation, Quebec is a Canadian 
province where the majority of the population speaks French. The 
government of Quebec has made many attempts to launch a secession of 
the province from the rest of Canada. In the last referendum on the 
subject 49.4% of the population voted for secession. In Quebec, as 
in Latvia, the government felt the region's culture and language was 
under threat and passed laws that alienated much of its minority 
population. 

To me, one of the most striking parallels between the two situations 
was what could be called the Latvian fa‡ade of Riga, Latvia's 
capital city. To the casual observer Riga appears completely 
Latvian. Everything visible from the street - posters, street signs, 
place names - is written in Latvian. (This is very easy to see 
because Latvian is written in the Latin alphabet.) The average 
tourist who cannot distinguish between spoken Russian and Latvian 
may not even realize there are any Russians in the entire city. The 
truth is that the majority of the city's population is Russian. In 
Riga, Latvians are a minority in their own country. The Latvian 
fa‡ade is a result of laws restricting the use of the Russian 
language on signs visible to the public - the same kind of laws that 
give much of Quebec it's French facade. 

As an example, I got an eerie feeling of dejavu when I entered a 
bookstore. Although everything visible on the street was written in 
Latvian, the vast majority of materials in the bookstore were in 
Russian. I noticed the same thing everywhere I looked; kiosks and 
grocery stores with Latvians signs out front stocked mostly Russian 
magazines. Since Russia is a big market and Latvia isn't, there are 
far more Russian-language publications available. The same 
phenomenon is visible in Quebec; bookstores usually have more 
English books simply because there are far more English publications 
in the world than French ones - just try to find a French book on 
database-backed websites in Montreal.

In their attempt to promote the language of some of its citizens, 
the government has ended up hiding the existence of another group of 
citizens, as if it were some shameful secret. This kind of official 
"cover-up" of the existence the minority culture is at the root of 
many feelings dissatisfaction of the linguistic minorities in both 
Latvia and Quebec. What one person sees as a necessary protection of 
their language another person sees as an attack on their freedom to 
use their own language, leaving them feeling like a second-class 
citizen.

There is something taken for granted in the immigrant-based 
societies of Canada and the USA, but only slowly emerging in most 
other countries: the idea of a national identity that's not based on 
ethnicity. If you ask a Canadian of Russian or Chinese ancestry 
where they are from they'll generally say, "I'm Canadian". Despite 
their different ethnicities they can identify with each other as 
Canadians. This kind of national identity is very important in 
keeping multi-cultural countries unified. Citizens of Yugoslavia and 
Czechoslovakia never really developed a common national identity. 
Czechs considered themselves as Czechs and Slovaks as Slovaks. I'm 
not implying that the lack of such an identity caused the break up 
of those states, but it was certainly a telling sign of their unity.

As the Latvian economy steadily improves, ethnic problems are slowly 
becoming a non-issue. Latvians and Russians intermarry, the memory 
of the Russian occupation fades, Russian kids grow up speaking both 
languages fluently. These things all contribute to the creation of a 
feeling of a Latvian identity distinct from ethnic background. There 
are many signs that this relatively modern concept is emerging in 
Latvia. Many Russian kids are growing up speaking both languages 
fluently and the general trend seems to be that most Latvians will 
be bilingual to some degree. These days, when the Latvians face the 
Russians in hockey, Russians in Latvia will usually cheer for the 
Latvian team. 

Perhaps the most promising sign is not some grand demographic trend, 
but a single person I talk to while in Latvia: Andris. What makes 
Andris so special is that not only is he most patriotic Latvian I 
met, but that he is not ethnically Latvian at all. Born into a 
family of Poles and Germans, he's lived in Latvia all his life, 
considers it his country and sees it as his personal mission to 
defend the Latvian way of life from Russian cultural imperialism. 
The emergence of that kind of national identity, independent of 
ethnicity, says a lot for Latvia's progress towards becoming a 
modern democracy. 

In Canada, it was the French population that was largely responsible 
for creating the Canadian identity. When most English-speaking 
Canadians still considered themselves British subjects living in a 
British colony, the French were pushing the idea of Canada as a 
separate state.

Still, most French Quebecers do not identify as much as Canadians as 
Quebecers living in Canada. Regardless of the good will of other 
Canadians, French Quebecers simply don't feel much of a shared 
identity with them - they are just too different. The rest of Canada 
doesn't understand this, and every time the Canadian federal 
government gets more power many French Quebecers end up feeling 
their laws are being made by people who are not like them and don't 
understand them.

The paradox is that the Anglophone minority of Quebec generally 
thinks along these same lines. It's fair to say that many Quebec 
Anglophones feel they are more similar to French Quebecers than to 
Canadian Anglophones. Why then, are they so opposed to Quebec 
separating from Canada?

The essence of the problem is this: the minority in Quebec doesn't 
feel a shared sense of identity with French Quebecers. There is a 
crucial difference between feeling similar to a group and sharing a 
common identity. While the Canadian national identity is no longer 
based on ethnicity, the Quebecois identity is still largely 
associated with having French ancestry. The evidence for this is 
simple: immigrants in Quebec, whether Anglophone or Francophone 
voted overwhelmingly against secession from Canada. If it were 
simply a matter of protecting one's language and culture Francophone 
Quebecers should have voted in the same way as other Francophones.

The reason for this is that, for the most part, the drive for 
Quebec's secession has been fueled by French nationalism. However, 
unlike the nationalistic movement that created Canada, this one does 
not aim to preserve Quebec's current culture but the culture of its 
ethnically French population - effectively destroying any common 
Quebecois identity not based on ethnicity.

Although many Russians may accept the idea that they are living in a 
country that belongs to the Latvians and therefore it's a matter of 
respect that they should learn to speak Latvian, the minority 
population in Quebec holds a very different view; Anglophone 
Quebecers don't consider themselves to be living in a province that 
belongs to the French. It's a very common sentiment among French 
Quebecers that people who come to "their" province should learn to 
speak their language. Just as most Canadians don't understand the 
real reasons why Quebec wants to separate most French Quebecers 
don't understand the real reasons why Anglophones want to stay in 
Canada. The Anglophone minority in Quebec feels they live on equal 
terms with other Canadians - however, because the Quebecois identity 
is based on ethnicity, they would feel like foreigners in an 
independent Quebec, and that is a transition they are not willing to 
make.

---

You can reach Konrad the Bold by send mail to konradthebold at 
hotpop.com. He claims Latvia really exists and is not one of those 
made-up places like Elbonia, Gotham City or The Lost City of 
Atlanta.

-------------------------------------------

3.  Drama is life with all the boring bits cut out

By Richard Campbell

The following tale is one that involves my neighbour who happens to 
be a homosexual black guy with a deep desire to floss my butt with 
his willy wonka. So if big black cocks and homosexual cravings for 
young white guys makes you sick, please read the following.

My story begins with, me, coming home from a long day of looking at 
macro software do my work. I open my apartment door and I am greeted 
by a little note on the floor. The following was inscribed rather 
poorly on the back of a day planner page.

"Hi iam kerry iam 19, 5/6 long red hair green eyes 32d 115lbs I saw 
your briefly and I want to know if you want to have fun with me. 
(followed by e-mail)"

Being the proud owner of a penis, I was immediately enticed by the 
possibilities. It's not every day that you get some young red headed 
thin big-breasted teen wanting you to have "fun" with her. Somehow 
though, almost miraculously, my mind gained control over my body. 
Which is an incredibly difficult thing to do considering my penis' 
super human ability to control my every action.

Once the old brain was back in power, I realised the absurdity of 
the situation. I also noted the possibility of the note being part 
of some devious practical joke orchestrated by my brother. I fell 
for the bait, I fired off an e-mail, and that's when my scepticism 
began its justification.

			                ***

I sent some along the lines of "What's up, got your note".

The reply was from a Louis C********* (name withheld) from a sprint 
account with the following message.

"Hi how r u iam kerry iam not home now so i am using a friend pc yes 
my friend tould me about you i saw you bref and i think you are 
intrested so what r you up to do u mind the note sorryy to be so 
foward ok please relpy this is what i look lik iam 5/6 long red hair 
green eyes 32d 115lbs and a swimmer i go to ottawa U tel me more 
about you do u have a g/f and what do u like and stuff like that .."

Okay so what's up with the poor ass spelling. University? I guess 
when you got 32ds you don't need to know how to write, spell, phrase 
or punctuate. Secondly I understand yes, your contacting me from a 
friends place, but it's not like it costs anything to get your own 
e-mail account. Hmmmmm, It's chin stroking time.

Okay, so Louis C********** is the person who owns the PC she used. 
Interesting... there is a Louis that lives downstairs.  I quickly 
reference www.411.ca for a Louis C**********. Lo and behold, Louis 
C********* is the same guy that lives downstairs in app #1.

Now I must state something here, Louis is a nice guy... He's also 
gay. I don't see him much but he's always going outside with his 
scary ass dog. But I never figure him to do something like this, 
though he does have a roommate. I figured, whatever, she's Louis 
friend and she saw me at some point while she visited Louis. My 
reply asked if she's a friend of Louis' and if the letter was meant 
for me or my brother.

"HI yes this richard is it r you the younger one i saw you in 
passing r u up now do u have apic online and what do u think of me 
sorry to be so fowrad do u have icq if you do we can caht now let me 
know iam up and will be for a while ok let me know"

The weird part was the fact that her name (Kerry Rightman) was now 
displayed instead of Louis C*********, but the e-mail address did 
not change. This really didn't sit right with me. My suspicions 
where starting to solidify into hard evidence. Someone; most likely 
a roommate from apartment 1, was pretending to be a girl for the 
pure satisfaction yanking me around. Either that or they where 
trying to seduce me. But why would you approach a heterosexual with 
the possibility of heterosexual sex in the goal of obtaining 
homosexual sex. I didn't get it......not yet.

Consulting www.411.ca I look up Kerry Rightman in Ottawa. Nothing. 
Kerry Rightman in Ontario. Nothing. Kerry Rightman in Canada. 
Nothing... I type in Rightman for all of Canada. Still nothing. So 
this name is either incredibly rare or someone just happen to invent 
a last name that doesn't exist but sounds like it does. To make sure 
it wasn't the database, I entered the most fictional name I could 
think of. I typed in "Doubtfire" (a name that was made up by reading 
headlines in a newspaper in the Ms. Doubtfire movie) and I got 
several results for Ontario alone. I replied and gave her/him my 
number to see if he/she would call. Like a bluff, if she was really 
interested she would call. If she was in fact a man then I would 
know by the voice or the absence of any calls made by Kerry.

Then came the voiceless messages.

You know, I've been accused of being a stalker a few times after 
pulling a couple well meaning gestures. For example:

1. Changing the bus you take so that you have better chances of 
meeting and talking to a person you like.
2. Buying someone roses

It's all very subjective. What isn't subjective and is very 
stalkerish indeed, is the following:

1. Leaving over 8 voiceless messages in one day. Shit, that creeped 
me out.
2. Sending multiple e-mails a day asking questions like. (14 on
December 12th)
- When are you coming home?
- When do you go to work?
- Is your brother there?

Being a pussy I don't confront Kerry's phone calls (which ring at 
least twice a day) and write an e-mail asking for her number and or 
online messenger service nick. I get both, but neither is "hers". 
The phone number is a friends cell and the ICQ number belongs to 
"her" brother. Okay. now so far I have an e-mail that isn't hers, a 
phone number that isn't hers and her brothers e-mail.

Anyway, I tried to meet up with "her", naming locations I'll be at 
and what I'll be wearing. She never replied to those e-mails and 
never showed up. I was still getting voiceless messages on my phone 
from a caller ID block. And each time I answered the phone (after 
working up the courage to actually answer a week after they started) 
no one replied. I decided then to send an e-mail pointing out most 
of this shit. The reply I got was a real voice message.

Her words where "Hi this is kerry, I hear you think I don't exist, 
because my name doesn't come up in Ottawa phone book, I exist and 
I'm just interested in you, okay see you later"

WHAT THE FUCK!. I called your bluff, and you get some 40 year old 
sounding lady to leave a message on my phone after you sent 2 
previous voiceless messages (I assume this was done to check if I 
was actually near my phone).  And, AND! All you do is reply to one 
of the many suspicious things that i confronted you with, and you 
got it wrong. I said ALL of CANADA.

Let me transcribe an e-mail "she" sent just for kicks.

"So y r u not chatting whit me o icq you r stil on ha " - Kerry 
Rightman

What the FUCK is that? Half the letters are missing, NO punctuation, 
half a laugh at the end. Ha only works coupled with another Ha, not 
alone. Unless ha is like, "Ha I got you". But then you would have 
"phrased" it "Ha I gt U!1!!".

She avoided several questions. Where she lives and how she knows 
Louis C**********. The note she left originally seemed urgent, 
knowing this, why leave an e-mail? If you want to get porked, 
leaving a phone number seems to be the obvious path to take for 
doinkage... Also, I burned the note and gay souls came lisping out. 
She said she lived with her parents, then mentioned roommates later. 
Her last name doesn't exist anywhere! (no offence to any Rightmans, 
if you indeed exist). Nothing belongs to her. If all that isn't 
enough proof that something is up then strap on a dildo and ride me 
like your pappy.

Colombo, you can go home now, I think the local sheriff has things 
under control.

Paranoia hit me like a sack of lead when I had to leave home to meet 
up with...frr..frriienn...friends (I'm still not used to that word). 
I seriously feared for my anal virginity. So I scoured the house for 
possible weapons. I came up with a knife so dull it couldn't cut 
piece of warm steaming poo, and a 200-dollar, 9lbs, 1 and 1/8th 
"snap-on" brand chrome plated wrench. After careful consideration I 
chose the wrench.  Not even considering the validity of the wrench 
as protection, but simply for its shock value as a weapon. 
Seriously, If someone came after me with a huge 9lbs, shiny fucking 
"snap-on" wrench, I would first think "Wow, this man spends good 
money on exotic weapons", then I'd be running in the the opposite 
direction with bricks of shit bouncing in my underwear.

So I jammed the wrench in my sock, taped the anal-expansion-
preventer to my leg with masking tape and enjoyed an evening of beer 
drinking... Never in my life have I felt so fucken' paranoid. 
Protected, but paranoid.

You know, throughout the whole ordeal I was waiting for the topic of 
gay sex to sprout forth in our e-mails like acne on D&D player. I've 
been expecting it like the unwelcome visit from that uncle that 
drinks your beer, touches your son and sleeps on your couch for 4 
weeks. I was expecting it since the beginning. Since, of course, I 
can't have woman after me... no.. oh noo... I have to have gay men 
trying to fuck. Gay men have been after my ass since the age of 16. 
Christ. When it did though, it opened a whole can of thick black 
veiny worms.

"do u know the black guy downstir he and i may bring his g/f her 
name is kim is that cool he like to get fuck you cannot tel anyone 
ok " - Kerry

"Okay, so originally I was fucking some guys girlfriend and you. Now 
I'm fucking two women and one black penis is going to be in my anus. 
Hmm... Hmmm... NO!!!!!" - Richard

"HI ok how about he blow you and u fuck me and kim" - Kerry.

Oh, I see now, a black dude sucking my dick is much better then 
having his mocha viper in my organs.

"I'm not homosexual! That means SPECIFICLY, no sexual involvement 
with men. No touching, watching, intercourse, sucking... 
NOTHING!!!!!!" - Richard

"well sorry i thought u whnt to have some fun oh well if you change 
your mind let me know it is just for a short while com on iam all 
hot hor you " - Kerry

Illiteracy really turns me on, look how hory I am ima ll sweety N 
hot 4 U.

She doesn't stop with the begging. So I insist she come up first, to 
see if Kerry actually exists. No go. I insist again. No go. Finally 
I go to bed and I wake up to this.

"You jackeass i was up this nock and no answer you like that it is 
not fair you know what thewell do u want i try to be nice but u r 
playing games so if u do chat whit me anyomr it is no proleam ok i 
though you where a nice guy and whant to have somefun ..>" - Kerry

Kerry gets remarkably literate when she's angry.

And that was about it. I saved all the e-mail in a fag folder and 
moved on. Haven't heard from Kerry since. I haven't seen the black 
guy either. I have seen Louis. I doubt he knows. Maybe I didn't 
handle this properly. Maybe I fucked up several ways. But its over 
now and I live on waiting for the next fag to fuck around with me. 
When that happens I'll dig out ol' wrench and live another month or 
two of total paranoia.

"At least your life is interesting" - Anonymous friend
"So was the life of a Jew in the late 40's" - Me

---
Richard is currently at home. Alone. Right now.

-------------------------------------------

4.  Never go "On the make"

By REVSCRJ

You know that moment when you meet a woman and you think something 
like "Damn, I bet she's wild in bed" or something of that nature?  
In that moment you make a decision: am I going to try and get her 
inside her OR am I going to try to see who and what she is.  The 
decision is important because it determines your entire mode of 
approach to the woman, it shouldn't, but it does.  Every time in my 
life that I have chosen to simply try and get sex from the woman it 
has gone HIDDEOUS.  I don't mean standard rejection, or wasted time 
hideous, but funny universe-laughing-at-me hideous.

Ok, here is an example:

I was working at Kinkos copies, suffering the corporate inhuman 
sterile hell by stealing a lot and teaching myself how to use 
computers on their time -- almost a fair trade.  All of a sudden, in 
walks this jaw dropping woman dressed in a short floral skirt and 
baggy white cotton shirt that was close enough to translucent to 
make me sweat.  She was wearing knee high boots and goddamn if that 
doesn't arouse me.  I have no idea why, really, "boots" -- what the 
hell is sexy about boots?  "Everything" apparently, because I 
actually felt my knees tremble.  She walked up to me smiling and 
right there I decided that I REALLY wanted this woman.  I didn't 
care who she was, what she believed, whether she was good bad or 
indifferent -- I wanted to fuck her.

"Hi, welcome to Kinkos, what can I do for you?"

She wanted help designing a resume so of course I became a sudden 
expert on the subject -- having never actually made one -- and 
proceeded to explain why this lay-up was better than that one or why 
this paper would elicit a better response that that one.  It was all 
just basic bullshit backed up only by the fact that I do have 
artistic sense for composition.  She rubbed up against me.  I felt 
my insides jelly and quiver like a jello mold.  We talked about Big 
Sur, a stretch of nature that I have spent years in. She tells me:

"Oh, I have family that live in Big Sur, but I've never hiked there 
at all."

"WHAT! Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, THAT is SACRELIGIOUS!  There is 
glory at your fingertips and your looking at your knees!"  [er... 
sorry that would be me]

"Look, if you want I could show you some spots there that would make 
you smile in places you didn't know you possessed."

Despite the sleaziness of that, she gives me a cooing "maybe" and 
goes off to the DTP section of the store to tell the computer folk 
what to lay up for her.  Suddenly streams of the faceless pour into 
the store and when I take notice she is gone.  Alas.

When I get back from my lunch break, a co-worker hands me her number 
and starts making a little "Sean's gonna get laid" song.

Jumping ahead.  She picked me up, as I have only once or twice in my 
life had the want and capital to own a vehicle, and we are driving 
down the coast on a fairly blustery day.  I ask her if she hikes 
much to get a gauge on what kind of terrain I should take her to.  
She says "all the time" so I figure a little ocean side bouldering 
might lead us to a picturesque beach on which to...

"Where should I pull over?"

"Oh any of these pull outs have trails that lead down to 
magnificence."

She proceeds to drive another 45 minutes into an area I had never 
been to.  We hit a trail down to the rocks.  Real quick: I cannot do 
the splendour of these high cliff lichen crusted coastal glories 
justice, they are alive to me and truly the only place that I can 
feel utterly human without a sense of disgust at that.

The tide is high, the waves are enormous and there is no beach.  
"Cool" I think "we'll just traverse the cliff-side."

As it turns out when she said that she hikes a lot she meant she 
walks on paved trails pretty often because as we start free climbing 
this cliff-side she is moving slow and with obvious fear. I try to 
be all manly and aid her by bracing her body, or guiding a foot -- 
pointing out handholds, etc.  The effect is that she is impressed by 
my abilities, so I figure its all going as planned until...

We are crossing a cave mouth that drops below the wave-line so it 
requires a little speed to race in-between waves.  I drop down, run, 
jump up on to the rock wall on the other side, no problem.  I look 
out to sea and see this massive wave coming in and turn around to 
tell her but she has already jumped down and is slowly tight-wire-
walk walking toward me.  The wave hits her up to her belly WHAM!   
Water shoots up over her head from the impact.

As horrible as it is my first thought was "Well, that just killed 
any chance of sex" BEFORE "Oh fuck is she okay!?"

We would've turned back there if not for the fact that a) she was 
trying to impress me with her non-existent hiking skills and b) the 
way we had come was now being far too regularly pummelled by waves 
to return by.  We pressed on.

It got worse.  She froze up on a cliff-side yelling that she was 
going to fall so I had to go beneath her and have her stand on my 
shoulders while I climbed and she just stood, palms on the wall- I 
was so low that I was getting beat by waves that were trying to pull 
me out- I was terrified and thought we were both going to drown 
here.  I still have some scars on my palms from holding on to 
barnacles while a huge wave hit me knocking out my feet.  In order 
to not drop her into the surf I supported us with just my hands- the 
barnacles sunk into my palms, getting a taste of Human flesh.

Later, sitting on a cliff top in uncomfortable silence freezing, I 
asked her what time it was -- because it was time to end this 
ridiculousness -- and she pulls this little machine out of her coat 
that looks like a Palm Pilot. I notice that there is a tube that 
runs out of it that goes into her coat. Before I can even guess what 
it is she says "OH MY GOD- I haven't been getting my insulin! FUCK 
FUCK OH GOD- I gotta get home NOW!"

Apparently when the first wave hit her, it shorted the machine.  Her 
life really was in danger that whole time.  We literally run up the 
path to the road back to the car.  She takes off and I hitchhike 
home.  About an hour into hitchhiking it starts to rain and I start 
to laugh.  The whole thing becomes a divine comedy, from bloody 
palms to potential diabetic death, and from that I whether the 
weather truly amused until a guy lets me sit in the back of his 
pickup for a ride back into Monterey.

EVERYTIME I go "on the make" something like this happens.  Its a 
curse, yes, but it IS FUNNY which I am thankful for- as most curses 
aren't- and due to it my life has been made a degree more 
entertaining.

Obviously I don't get laid much

---
REVSCRJ is a writer/musician living in Monterey, California.  
Constantly on the verge of homelessness, he hopes that you enjoy his 
work or else his life has been in vain. Contact REVSCRJ at 
revscrj@cloudfactory.org to lodge complaints, notify of lawsuits, or 
receive spiritual advice.

-------------------------------------------

CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org.

CoN: don't forget your insulin.

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
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Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
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http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

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ZimID 708EC8D1  1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32  7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
