Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume III, Issue 13, AD MCMXCVIII
Monday, July 6th, 1998 (well, Friday at this point)
ISSN 1482-0471
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"The employer generally gets the employees he deserves."
 -- Walter Bilbey

Jeffery Dahmer doesn't work here.

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WHAT IS YOUR GENDER
-- ICQ User 14789233

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1.  Editorial
2.  The Best Jobs
3.  The Porn Store FAQ
4.  Whooosh

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This week's Golden Testicle award:

After Pulp Fiction, the Gimp got a Job

http://www.runningwithscissors.com

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1. Editorial

Welcome to yet another incredibly delayed issue of Capital of Nasty.  
What excuse do I have this week?  Oh yes, my Windows95 machine 
decided to completely die on me.  Before I managed to find all the 
zip disks scattered around the floor of the room to re-install 
everything and put this issue together, a few days went by.  Special 
thanks go to our co-editor, Colin Barrett, who provided invaluable 
assistance in putting everything back together.  Please, no e-mails 
that I should switch to Linux. I beg you.

LETTERS - J.W. wrote in regards to our "all-sex" issue of CoN:

> Dear Sir,
>
>        I am writing you this e-mail in regards to your zine (CoN).  
> When I requested a copy of it a week or so ago, I did not realize
> the sort of obcene and objectionable material it would contain.
> The copy you sent me (III.12) was pure filth.  The gay porn it
> contained (you'd probably call it homoerotica) was quite offensive
> and in rather poor taste.  Knowing you, I had expected something
> better.  You are above this sort of disgusting trash, and should
> set your sights higher.  I will remain on the CoN subcribers
> list, but I am warning you and all of your fellow contributors
> that if this motif of "homoerotica" continues, I will be forced
> to un-subscribe.
>
> Best of luck with your next (and hopefully de-gaypornofied) issue,
> J.W.

SCRIBA ORG - Spontaneously Combusted Literature has made CoN 
headquarters part of their "East of Wabash" tour. They will be 
having a lot of fun. WE will be having a lot of fun. And no, we will 
not be singing about the Wabash Cannonball.  For more info, visit 
http://www.scriba.org/wabash/

ZINES - A new monthly paper zine, called Lemon Wedge, dealing with 
anarchist issues, anti-fascism (hmm, did they look at our main page 
image?), vegetarianism, animal & human rights (beat a seal for world 
peace), and much more has just started in Hagerstown, Maryland.  
Featuring many creative articles, as well as a few from CoN, you can 
get it delivered directly to your house for just the price of a few 
postage stamps.   For more info, e-mail Luscious, the editor of 
Lemon Wedge at Sandoz911@aol.com, and she will be glad to answer any 
of your questions.

This marks the end for this issue of CoN.  My apologies goes to our 
readership that had to endure in this long delay.  Our next issue 
will be about "people we hate".  Remember, bitter is better.

Run along now.

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2.  The Best Jobs
by Lilith DemHareIs

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"  I still ask that 
question today.  What we are and what we want to be tend to be two 
different things.
 (Although some of us tend to get closer than others.)

Back when money or job security was not a concern, we would dream 
about what we would do when we 'grew up.' "I wanna be a fireman."  I 
wanna be a schoolteacher." "I wanna be a cowboy."  We never thought 
about having to pay taxes, or if we forgot to set the timer for the 
deep-fry.  All we cared about was doing something we loved, and 
doing it well.  The satisfaction of a job well done was reward 
enough for us.

It's amazing the wisdom children possess.

The best jobs are the ones we are willing to do for free.  It's a 
shame that we need money in this world.  It's a shame we have to pay 
rent, buy food, and pay off HECS or Stanford Student Loans.  The 
world would be a much happier place without money.  (But I digress.)

Don't ask yourself 'what you want to be when you grow up,' because 
the question tarnishes through adult eyes.  Instead, ask yourself: 

   If money was not a concern, what would you do in life?

Only the dull or the mega-losers in life would say that they would 
much rather sit on their butts all day and watch TV.  Most people 
have an idea on something they'd much rather do than the soulsucking 
job they've got now.

Me, I'd write.  I'd write and publish.  Or I'd be on stage or 
screen, either performing or crew.  Tightrope walking in the circus 
would be fun.
I'd breed cats. (And none of those fancy showcats.  I'd breed the 
common Domestic American Shorthairs for their mousing qualities.)
Maybe I'd compose music.  Or teach a class or two.

And you'd never *EVER* catch me asking you if 'you want fries with 
that.'
Ever.

So maybe I'll never do all of that.  I don't expect to.  It'd take 
my whole life to achieve the unrealistic stuff.  But I do expect to 
do *some* of it. I've worked hard to achieve at least one of those 
things that I'd like to do.  And why shouldn't I?  

Why should I put lots of time and effort into something if it's not 
going to lead me to do what I want to do?

Do you?

Many of us work ourselves into a rut.  We get stuck in dead-end jobs 
that aren't anything near what we want to do.  Circumstances, luck, 
and poor choices help stick us there.  Sure, we have to work to pay 
the rent.  But don't let that be the be-all and end-all of 
existence.  If we're not doing something each day to put us one step 
closer to where we want to be, then truly we are in a rut.

Education is usually the ticket out.  Someone *somewhere* offers a 
class on what you want to do in life.  On the other hand you can 
take it slow, and get educated in some skills that will allow you a 
slightly better job than the one you have.  Maybe earn more money, 
have better hours that will allow you to take more classes, or you 
can meet new people that are going somewhere.

Often it's who you know, as much as what you know, that gets you 
somewhere.
I know lots and lots of writers who are good at their craft, but 
they don't know who to talk to to get their stuff on the market.  I 
know lots of good actors.  But they don't know who to talk to to 
snag the auditions.

Get out and meet new people.  They'll take you places.  They'll know
even more people, and you'll end up going somewhere.

If you're lucky to be young, NEVER EVER take the 'easy way out' of 
things. Don't drop out of school early because you don't like the way 
teachers treat you.  When you take the easy way out, that is the 
sure road to mediocreville.  (Unless of course, flipping burgers is 
your life-long dream.)

Get involved in extracurricular activities.  Join a few clubs.  
Apply to a university.  Take training courses.  Travel a little bit. 
(Travel is very good.)  Read books in a subject you've never read 
before.

Maybe all of us won't become tightrope walkers.  But that doesn't 
mean we couldn't end up on the trapeze.  I may not be making big 
bucks on writing at the moment, but I am getting published.

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3.  The Porn Store Pt.1 of (possibly many but not right now): 
Employee FAQ file.

By Mescalin

(Note: Do not let the sex title fool, this article is merely a 
desperate ploy to get myself arrested for drug trafficking and round 
out a resume of vice and corruption. As a vegetarian, I have sold 
the carcasses of chickens and cows for profit to a capitalist 
venture(1). I have sold alcohol and have one of those silly little 
"Serving It Right" cards(2). I have sold cigarettes and cigars in 
more minimum-wage+$.25-so-we-as-the-management-feel-a-little-better-
about-ourselves-for-wage-slaving-you jobs to yes *gasp* minors 
because I really didn't care to ask for ID and less they were being 
a jerk to begin with. And obviously as my "lurid" tales are about to 
inform you, *I* the slightly SNAGgy(3) guy from a nice middle class 
suburban family have peddle SMUT!

Wooohooo!

So if you can help to arrange an arrest for the possession of an 
illegal (& preferably soft) drug, pls contact me @ 
wx191@victoria.tcn.ca and help my career of degeneracy complete!)

* * *

Okay so LAN had a sex issue here @ CON and I missed the chance to 
contribute to that.

Fortunately, he followed it up with a "jobs" ish and it just worked 
out so perfectly! Now, at last, to an audience of possibly dozens, I 
can expound the wondrous going ons that plague the boredom of your 
average porno-joint employees.

But first let me begin by saying this: please don't Misunderstand 
me. Working there was strange but not enthralling. I was looking for 
a very non-demanding job that would allow me to study for University 
classes for hours on end or watch movies and read books and still 
get paid for the only sporadic interruptions of passers-by. Alas, my 
life-long dream to be a parking lot booth attendant has not panned 
out either as I may have hoped for so this will be that ultimate job 
for me it seems. And you may not believe this after I've worked in a 
porn store, I'm not a lech either. I've got a great gf who's nowhere 
near the bimbo-esque proportions of the porn industry and has a real 
spirit and personality which I love her for and I couldn't be 
happier with.

I worked for a chain called "Red Hot Video" which is one of only 
three major porn chains out here on the West Coast of Canada. The 
second is a company called "Adults Only Video" and the third doesn't 
seem to have a name, they just seem to share the same love of tacky 
yellow awnings outside their Granville and Hastings St. stores. All 
are pretty much 1 part video sales and rentals to 1 part toys and 
magazines.

I had a manager called "D", and two main co-employees "C" and 
"T"(4).

When I sat down to write this, I had just way, way too much material 
to put into one article so I decided I'll just start with the 
basics. Later, if my writing isn't too horrible and I'm not stabbed 
to death with a bible by anti-porn activists, I'll tell more 
stories.

So now then without further ADO for enjoyment, mirth(5), and/or 
consideration.... HERE is the

porn store employee FAQ:

Q: Do you have that like hard core movie that Markie Post(Night 
Court), Marina Sirtis (ST:TNG), or Courtney Cox (Friends), etc.. 
etc... did before she got famous? I heard she got all nasty and....

A: No. And I hope with the advent of the Internet this will never 
come up as a serious question again. If they had done anything even 
vaguely pornographic don't you think it would be as badly dragged up 
and shoved in our faces as all those movies where David Duchovny and 
Gillian Anderson had two second nude or simulated sex scenes?

Remember "The Italian Stallion"? It's the only time I ever actually 
cried at a Stallone movie and that's just because it's the only 
thing worse than "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!" (8)

This is also not counting the innumerable quests for that "lost" 
(meaning mainstream not home) porno movie that Pam Anderson did in 
her early days. Unfortunately, this came true and I'm still getting 
spammed with e-mail to see it 2 years after the fact. Ugh!(7)

-

Q: Wow, are those real?

A: No, they're bigger than her head and torso put together.

This is still one of the most frightening aspects of the porn 
industry to me. Not simply for the size being inhuman but it's 
becoming more and more porn-chic to not even bother pretending that 
they are real. Many is the video box I shelved away where the porn 
actress smiled happily bearing HUGE red (and sometimes swollen) 
scars on the undersides of each nipple. Men still rented the 
videos.(6)

-

Q: You must get real horny working here, huh?

A: No, mostly hungry.

I was next to a corner store and could lock up for brief periods 
when there were no customers around to grab something to eat or get 
some change. I remember thinking more about dinner than the porn 
most days. After all, it's same stuff I had to be bored with looking 
at the day before.

My manager "D" once said the only thing I couldn't do behind the 
counter when nobody was around to be served was jack off. He also 
tried to assure me shortly after that the video cams in the store 
didn't actually work and were just for show. I still don't know if 
he was telling the truth the cameras and I don't know if he meant 
anything by putting those two thoughts so close together.

-

Q: Can I return...?

A: (pointing at sign as I read it aloud) No returns on sex toys or 
lingerie.

C'mon, common sense here PLEASE!

-

Q: Well, where do these come from?

A: 90% of all porn in Canada comes from L.A. and is made by about 
the same group of 20 or so pornographers, about 5% is European, 4% 
comes from New York or somewhere else in the U.S.A. but mostly NY 
and there's an odd 1% that comes from "elsewhere".

This "elsewhere" did include quite a few titles from Quebec but they 
were just sold stateside and brought back to Canada with the other 
run-of-the-mill stuff.
_

Q: Oh my God!

A: Yes, Ron Jeremy is *the* ugliest man alive and yes he does work 
porn and yes, he did get his start in porn because he could (and 
still can at 300+ lbs) suck his own dick.

He had a life time goal he set himself when started working porn in 
about 1980 or so to star in at least 1,000 porn movies. He has since 
past that goal as of about 5 years ago and is working on getting to 
2 or 3,000 videos now as I recall but is concentrating more on 
producing now.

He was vaguely more attractive of course when he started out. 
However, the most accurate descriptions of his more youthful 
appearance generally follow along the lines of a "real life version 
of Mario from Super Mario Bros with extra back & ear hair too! or 
"Gabe Kaplan on steroids".

-

Q: Can I rent with my wife/girlfriend's Driver's License and Visa?

A: Unless you are a knock-dead stand in for her with the same 
signature, no.

And yes, I did have to be polite while MANY men asked me this stupid 
question. Usually the wife/gf did know he was going out to rent a 
dirty video but there was a few that seem to not appreciate why this 
was a stupid question to begin with.

As a side observation, the porn industry actually figures that about 
30% of its market is female though you wouldn't know it from looking 
at the video shelves. The reason is that a lot of women were afraid 
to go in and deal directly over the counter. Ergo the boyfriend got 
the job of going to the porn store and probably only about 2% of the 
customers were female.

-

Q: Oh my God are those real?

A: No, his doesn't match his own skintone and the other guy's is a 
purple jelly with sparkly things in it.

I am sad to say that a company called Raunch-o-Rama popularized the 
FAUX-sex-freak genre in the early 90's with a series called "Freaks 
of Nature" and spurned other companies to make similar knock-offs. 
Generally, this involved oversized genitalia that was little more 
than just an oversized sex toy everybody would pretend was actually 
attached to the actor/actresses body
though it quite obviously wasn't. As an extension of the fake-boob 
thing one regular actress in the series appeared "over-sized" with 
(I'm not making this up) paper-mache' tits strapped on with a 
Naugahyde bra.

One day a medical doctor actually rented one of these atrocities in 
his porn pile. I reconsidered medicare for awhile.

-

Q: Do you have that movie with the blonde?

A: Yes, the one with the big fake tits?

A2: Yeah, her!

-

Q: Do you have Bambi or Top Gun?

Q2: Do you know what kind of store you just called or walked into?

Oddly enough, if the person had walked into the store, they usually 
didn't ask this question until after they've looked over all the 
main shelves and picked up a video or two.

-

And last but not least for now:

Q: Is it okay to bring the baby in? I don't want to leave him/her in 
the car.

A: Yes or no. (Depending on how much trouble I thought it would 
cause).

At least once every week or two I would have to explain a young 
couple that came in that "No One under 18" does include infants and 
newborns in B.C.  The concept that 2 months old was indeed under 18 
year of age seemed to confuse most people.

But given that most of the younguns were in those carry 
stroller/cradles and were still having trouble focusing on those 
pink things at the end of the their arms that weren't covered in 
wool or flannel, I didn't feel bad about the possibility of 
corrupting these minors. Usually, it was a compromise in the end. I 
told the parents, who obviously weren't perverts just sex-positive 
adults without too much forethought, they could stay and the baby 
could come in but that they had to put a blanket loosely over the 
cradle so there infant would not be corrupted.

Based on subsequent stories of what I have heard (3rd hand, mind 
you) about B.C. provincial film classification people, I still fully 
expected them to come charging in with an arrest warrant for having 
a minor on the premise.

Mind you, it was the Saskatchewan and not the B.C. film board that 
actually bothered to ban "Exit to Eden" (remember THAT 
"erotic/comedy" of a movie?) and caused an even larger spectacle for 
an even more intellectually degrading movie than porn EVER was.

-

Anyways, that's food for thought for now. If you want to really live 
the porn-store employee life do whatever you do normally that's 
quiet and involves mostly sitting in one place. Hand the FAQ to a 
friend and have them ask you a question on the hour or so to break 
up the monotony.

Also, get other friends to stare at your video collection while 
you're bored and then glance around the room with constant 
nervousness.

More stories to follow of much-less non-monotony. If y'know, 
whatever...

=:)

And until then, remember the file shell is most active of the 
bivalves.

* * *

1- a cardinal sin among vegans

2- only residents of BC Canada will get this reference

3- Sensitive New Age Guy (ask my ex-s, I don't know where they get 
   this idea from)

4- some others came and went but they are separate stories as you 
   may find out later

5- I hope! =:)

6- In a really good and really strange book about the Hollywood film 
   industry I read recently called "Sex, Greed, & Stupidity", the 
   author hinted at an implant-mafia where strippers would get the 
   goods so to speak and be an indentured dancer until they paid them 
   off. This also included a ring of implant exchanges between dancers.

7- Though I know better and it's not polite to lust after the dead, 
   I must admit I wouldn't mind eventually finding an urban legend
   of a porn film which starred Herve Villachez in all male, all
   midget cast called "Anal Dwarves".

8- A movie which Roger Ebert described as "stealing two hours of my
   life" and to which Gene Siskel added "is pretty amazing for an 89 
   minute film".

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4.  Whooosh
by REVSCRJ

"I love deadlines and the whooshing sound they make as they pass."
                Douglas Adams

This Inhuman-
REVSCRJ 7/98

        Brethren,

        Ever get a corporate job?  The kind where laminates of
condridictory or unenforcable, unfollowable policies line the break 
rooms?  Where the benefits are good, but the suck is on your soul?
It's a whole other world.  It all sanitary spray cans and toner in
the air, burnt sugar sweet- solid as a plastic block for a 2 year
old and half as respectful.

        If you are the average kind of person it only takes a few 
days before the static hum of business-as-usual dulls your eyes and
gets you numb.  Look at your coworkers- either zombie like, ready-to-fire, 
zen or this inhuman form...

        Ever watch the process in the "new guy"?  Guy has this spark
when he first come in, its called 'freewill', and even behind the fake
smile and concilitory behavior you can see its life.  He's in training,
he still has to use his mind.  Sure enough though in a few days he
wears the flat perky mask that comes to be the "Team Face"- the badge,
the piss-scent to identify the pack.  Pray he stays this way.  Pray
that in a few weeks life doesn't start to reimerge, pray that the
facade is a tomb and not a cocoon.

        [Tangent]  The corporation is based on a hierarchal 
structure that exactly conforms to the form of a hive. [/tangent]

        There's a new glint in his eye...colder than before... 
somehow less sentient... appraising, no longer saying 'I wonder
how this guy is' but now seem to fire waves of radiating 'what is
IT worth to me' in referance to you.  Reptillian, insectoid, and
this inhuman stare holds eye contact like a threat while speaking
the most innocuous of evils.

        [Tangent]  Necsessary to the sucsess of a hive is that each 
unit within the hive be 100% dedicated to the whole, essential to 
mammalian survival is selfpreservation over all else [/tangent]

        Kinkos cares
        Welcome to the Microsoft Team
        GMC- your kind of people
        Whole Foods depends on YOU
        Safeway, its the right place for you
        I.T. thanks you
        I.T. loves you
        I.T. wants your wants like a parisite.

        "So new-guy, you want to get lunch?"
        Head swings slowly to you, as if pivoting on small ball 
joints, "No...thanks, Im working through lunch." and you see it, the
look, this inhuman assessment "This creature before me will never
advance my position or power, it is nothing."

        [Riddle] What do you get when you cross a selfserving mammal 
with the mindless dedication of a mammal? [/riddle]

        Controlers, Observers, District Co-Ordinaters, Structural 
Analysts, Human Resource Heads, Overseers, Dukes and their ilk all
have the marks, the pheremonal shroud of expensive colognes and
perfumes, the unfeeling bertay-to-you-nothing but evil eyes, the
tone so flat, so intentional, so controled that this inhuman feeling
crawls over your skin as you listen.
In their suit-du-jour they bear teeth to eachother in ways not so 
much a smile, but in a flash of salute to a supirior- they do not
smile to their underlings.

        [Answer] An abomination in the eyes of God that serves 
itself alone through the mindless dedication to the hive, not moved
by concious, not swayed by guilt, an abomination in the eyes of God
[/answer]

        They have hybridized sucsessfully into a new species.  They 
are of our blood, but not of our souls.  Beware these precoursers of
that-which-is-to-come, for they are insects in primate flesh- the
sucsessful intermixing of two worlds too alien to eachother to
contemplate union.  They are not human.  They are not human.  They
are not human.  It will be these people who will find underground/
indoor shelters, on an irridated Earth, attractive.  They will push
paper plies until we few neadrathalic remainings are buried in a
shallow grave of it.

        The new hive will not work in any "good" manner- an 
abomination even to the insects- for there can be no jockeying for
power in the hive, there can be no back stabbing, it puts disruptive
ripples through the hive and efficency falls.  Without maximum
efficency, the hive collapses to entropy.  This inhuman race will
eat itself, long after it has eaten us.

Amen.


<3
REVSCRJ

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fucking windows

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (Windows permitting)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome

http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost
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