Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume I, Issue XXII, Year AD MCMXCVI
Monday, November 18th, 1996
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1.      How do you read CoN?
2.      There's A Hole in the Space/Time Continuum
3.      There is no Hope.
4.      Platonic Friendships - A foolproof guide

-------------------------------------------

1.      How do you read CoN?
             by Suzanne Schumacher (salad@ridgecrest.ca.us)

	Well, it's been three weeks (two issues have come out since my
question was asked), which I feel left everyone, extremely lazy or
not, plenty of time to respond to the original question of
"How do you read CoN."  My findings show that, in general, people
don't, since one response came in.  This one response was from
Leandro himself, after I demanded "And where's your response on
how you read CoN?"
    So what do the studies show?  One of two things (or maybe three
or four, depending on how many possibilities I neglected to think up).
The first possibility is this:  the readers of CoN are a selected age
group which is usually a bit lazy and puts things off until later until
it is forgotten.  This could be dubbed the TV generation, and I'd go
further into it, except that psych major would probably chew me out
in the next issue for not giving a good definition of "our" generation.
The other possibility is this: nobody is actually reading this at all,
and I'm sitting here and typing for my own amusement (or because
leandro's sent me half a dozen Leandro smily faces =) following
messages asking me when I'm going to get this article in).
    At this point, I see no harm in revealing the two ways in which
I've found CoN is read, if read at all.  Leandro's way is the cut and
paste method. As he himself puts it, "It's not a matter of choice,
it's because if I want to keep sending this crap out, I have to read
what I am writing myself.  So the 15 minutes I waste every Sunday
night in cutting and pasting...  gets about a good 80% of my reading."
And does he actually read what it is he so avidly cuts and pastes?
To that he responded, "it goes by what it's inside of it =)"
    And how do I read CoN?  (Yes, my response is the only other accurate
data I've collected in this massive field project on the subject.)
Well, yes, I'm one of the weirdoes that struggles through all of those
as of late arguments that drag on and on and make me wonder why I'm
wasting my time.  Either I sit down and just read it, or else I let two
or three issues build up, get a cup of tea, and sit there and read
the last months worth in one fowl swoop.
    This now concludes my study on how (or if) subscribers read CoN.
I find it best to conclude with Leo's questions to me in answering how
he reads it:

    The questions now are:  why do we keep bothering with this stuff if
    no one reads it?  I don't know.  Do you know?  No, because none of
    you people out there will even read this, so I'll just leave it to
    that.   (from an e-mail by "Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro"
    <leandro@ifront.com>
    to salad@ridgecrest.ca.us on Wed, 13 Nov 1996 at 22:46:55 his time)



(oh, sorry about the signature, I just added it and although some find it
highly annoying, I'll leave it for a while longer)

I would to heaven that I were so much clay,
  As I am blood, bone, marrow, passion feeling -
Because at least the past were passed away,
  And for the future - (but I write this reeling,
Having got drunk exceedingly to-day,
  So that I seem to stand upon the ceiling)
I say - the future is a serious matter -
  And so - for God's sake - hock the soda-water!

-Lord Byron


-------------------------------------------

2.      There's A Hole in the Space/Time Continuum
                by Jason MacIsaac (jason@ifront.com)
                              
         There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza.
         There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza.
   There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum, dear Liza,
                           A hole.
                              
                        Well, plug it
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
                       Well, plug it,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
                 Well, plug it, dear Henry,
                          Plug it.
                              
                 With what should I plug it,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza?
                 With what should I plug it,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza?
           With what should I plug it, dear Liza,
                         With what?
                              
                    With a Klein sphere,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
                    With a Klein sphere,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
              With a Klein sphere, dear Henry,
                       A Klein sphere.
                              
         With what should I power the Klein sphere,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza?
         With what should I power the Klein sphere,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza?
    With what should I power the Klein sphere, dear Liza,
                         With what?
                              
       With a controlled matter/anti-matter reaction,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
       With a controlled matter/anti-matter reaction,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
 With a controlled matter/anti-matter reaction, dear Henry.
          A controlled matter/anti-matter reaction.
                              
                              
                              
         With what should I contain the anti-matter,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza?
         With what should I contain the anti-matter,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza,
   With what should I contain the anti-matter, dear Liza,
                      With what?  Hmm?
                              
                   With a magnetic field,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
                   With a magnetic field,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry,
             With a magnetic field, dear Henry,
                      A magnetic field.
                              
                        Okay, but...
          With what should I control the reaction,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza?
          With what should I control the reaction,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza,
     With what should I control the reaction, dear Liza,
                         With what?
                              
    With a quantum subharmonic energy-flux discriminator,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
    With a quantum subharmonic energy-flux discriminator,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
 With a quantum subharmonic energy-flux discriminator, dear
                           Henry,
        With a quantum subharmonicwhat I just said.
                              
                            Then,
             Where shall I get the anti-matter,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza?
             Where shall I get the anti-matter,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza?
     Then where shall I get the anti-matter, dear Liza,
                           Where?
                              
                           Oh God.
                 The rift at Ceti Alpha II,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
                 The rift at Ceti Alpha II,
                   Dear Henry, Dear Henry.
           The rift at Ceti Alpha II, dear Henry,
                          The rift!
                              
                     Okay, fine.  But...
              How shall I get to Ceti Alpha II,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza?
              How shall I get to Ceti Alpha II,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza?
        How shall I get to Ceti Alpha II, dear Liza?
                            How?
                              
               Oh for Christ's sake, Gomer...
                   Take the SS Lexington,
                   Dear Henry, dear Gomer.
                   Take the SS Lexington,
                   Dear Henry, dear Gomer.
         Take the fucking SS Lexington, dear Henry,
                          Take it!
                              
    The SS Lexington was destroyed by the Krellan Empire,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza.
    The SS Lexington was destroyed by the Krellan Empire,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza.
 The SS Lexington was destroyed by the Krellan Empire, dear
                            Liza,
                         Destroyed.
                              
           Then take the SS Coventry, NCA-2034-A,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
           Then take the SS Coventry, NCA-2034-A,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
     Then take the SS Coventry, NCA-2034-A, dear Henry,
                   Take it and bugger off!
                              
                           But...
  The Coventry was destroyed by a freak tarrion interphasic
                        plasma storm,
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza.
 The Coventry was destroyed by a freak tarrion interphasic-
                              
           All right, shut up, I get the picture.
  Then take the Time Displacement Device and go through the
                    Space/Time Continuum,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
  Then take the Time Displacement Device and go through the
                    Space/Time Continuum,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
  Then take the Time Displacement Device and go through the
              Space/Time Continuum, dear Henry.
                          Just go!
                              
                        Uhm...But...
         There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza.
         There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum
                    Dear Liza, dear Liza.
   There's a hole in the Space/Time Continuum, dear Liza,
                           A hole.
                              
                 PREEEOOOWFUZZIZINT...*THUD*
                              
            What a senseless waste of human life,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
            What a senseless waste of human life,
                   Dear Henry, dear Henry.
      What a senseless waste of human life, dear Henry,
                        Burn in Hell.
                                      
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3.      There is no Hope

Session Start: Sat Nov 16 18:22:11 1996
[18:22] *** Now talking in #neebow
[18:22] <Destinie> a comic book
[18:22] <Destinie> called NO HOPE
[18:23] <Destinie>  issue #9
[18:25] <Destinie> just give me a sec here
[18:25] <Destinie>  HONESTY IS A SCARY THING
[18:25] <Destinie>  Tonite im sitting alone in my room
[18:25] <Destinie> i don't know what to do
[18:26] <Destinie> maybe i should listen to a record, or read a book,
                   or a comic.
[18:26] <Destinie> Maybe i should draw a comic.
[18:26] <Destinie> im staring at the walls
[18:26] <Destinie> i don't have a single thing to say
[18:26] <Destinie> im sorry that i hate you..i don't know what's the
                   matter w/me
[18:27] <Destinie> I don't want to do anything.
[18:27] <Destinie> I laid myself naked to you
[18:27] <Destinie> u didn't want me
[18:27] <Destinie> i was completly honest with you
[18:27] <Destinie> you said i was stupid
[18:27] <Destinie> i know th
[18:28] <Destinie> i know that u never really liked me, that u just liked an
                   illusion.
[18:28] <Destinie> to be honest, i never liked you either
[18:28] <Destinie> im traveling in a circle..going nowhere
[18:29] <Destinie> sunlight falls on peoples heads while florescent light
                   falls on mine
[18:29] <Destinie> "how can i help you..." u say
[18:29] <Destinie> i say...
[18:29] <Destinie> "when i can't help myself"
[18:29] <Destinie> Surrounded by headaches
[18:29] <Destinie> for breakfast i ate credit card death
[18:30] <Destinie> MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
[18:30] <Destinie> FADED MEMORIES
[18:30] <Destinie> LOST FRIENDS
[18:30] <Destinie> CAR CRASHES
[18:30] <Destinie> Trapped in a tv talkshow world..we're living out my
                   worst nightmare
[18:30] <Destinie> violence w/out a reason, but is there ever a reason
                   for violence
[18:31] <Destinie> logic doesn't stop me from wanting to smash in your head
[18:31] <Destinie> god bless america
[18:31] *** Destinie has quit IRC (The one I hate is you, the one i love
is you, i am you.)
Session Close: Sat Nov 16 18:34:39 1996

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4.      Platonic Friendship

            Joelogon's Foolproof Guide to
        Making Any Woman Your Platonic Friend

Congratulations! You've got a new life-long friend!
-------------------------------------------

NOTE:  This  guide  examines so-called platonic  friendships
(that  is,  relationships  of a  purely  non-sexual  nature)
between men and women. Specifically, it examines two closely
related aspects of the platonic friendship:

1.   The tendency of women to develop close friendships with
  their male acquaintances, thereby pre-emptively eliminating
  any possibility of a romantic relationship, the result  of
  which is to remove the poor schmuck's heart and shred it

2.    The process by which attractive and otherwise eligible
  women,  when  faced by proffered declarations of  romantic
  interest by a male acquaintance, destroy the ego and spirit
  of said acquaintance by declaring that they only want to be
  "friends."

     For  the purposes of this investigation, I will assumes
that  the  women  are  indicating a  genuine  desire  for  a
friendship-only relationship, and not employing a clumsy and
transparent  ruse  to avoid an unwanted  relationship  (i.e.
"blowing  off,"  "dissing") -- such  as  a  man  would  use.
Furthermore, though there may be anecdotal evidence of  such
techniques being used by men on women, I believe  that  only
women  are able to inflict such great emotional damage  with
such  an  innocuous phrase as, "I just want to be  friends,"
the   result  of  which  is  such  an  artful  and  complete
annihilation, leaving behind only a broken, whimpering husk,
that there can be no doubt as to the cause.

     This  guide draws from my own personal experiences  and
the  experiences  of  others on the  receiving  end  of  The
Treatment. As such, it gets painfully repetitive; I  welcome
any  inputs from other shattered males, and indeed, from the
female perspective as well. I am particularly interested  in
sound bites and seething bitterness tinged with humor.
-------------------------------------------

The Futile Fugue: Variations on a Theme

How many times has this happened to you?

     The  stories remain the same, from the first  note  you
passed  in  grammar school, to the woman you met  through  a
mutual friend in college:

•     You meet a girl who is everything you ever wanted in a
life-partner:  attractive, funny, smart, great  personality,
laughs  at  your jokes, understands who you are as  a  human
being,  etc. You talk to her briefly, and find out that  she
is  even more attractive now that you've spoken to her.  You
ask her out. She says to you:

                 "I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS"


*    You meet someone: a neighbor, schoolmate, co-worker, in
the same club, on the same bus. You become fast friends. One
day,  you realize that, in addition to being a close friend,
this  person  is an attractive woman. You ask her  out.  She
says to you:


            "I DON'T WANT TO RISK OUR FRIENDSHIP"


*     You  meet  a girl who you know could be the  one.  She
makes  your toes curl, your stomach knot, your mouth dry  --
you  become even more of a gibbering idiot then you  usually
are.  You're so incapacitated in her presence that you can't
ask  her out. You decide that things will be better once you
get  to  know her better, so you become friends. You  become
best  friends  --  so good, in fact, that  you  can't  bring
yourself to ask her out. Yet there is this nagging voice  in
the  back  of  your mind that says you could  be  more  than
friends.  You  swear that you will tell her how  you  really
feel. Right before you can do this, she tells you:


              "I'VE MET THIS REALLY GREAT GUY"

-------------------------------------------


SELECTING YOUR NEW PLATONIC FRIEND

     It  is very important that you choose your new platonic
friend carefully . Whether she is a new acquaintance, or  an
old  friend  who  you've just been awakened to,  she  should
cause you to exhibit some of the following symptoms:

* hot sweats
* cold sweats
* nausea
* shaking
* difficulty sleeping
* unexplained euphoria or depression
* inability to construct coherent sentences
* distraction or preoccupation due to constant thinking about her
* biting  of the tongue or lower lip to prevent blurting the
  words, "I love you!" in casual conversations with her

NOTE:   Liquefaction  of  your  internal   organs   is   not
necessarily a symptom of any condition caused by her, and in
fact  may  indicate infection by the Ebola virus.  See  your
physician if you are uncertain of your condition.

CULTIVATING YOUR NEW PLATONIC FRIEND

Caring  for  a new platonic friend requires a lot  of  time,
careful  attention,  and  perseverance.  However,  you  must
resist  temptations  to devote too much  attention  to  your
platonic  friend, as overly large expressions  of  affection
can  ruin a platonic friendship. Therefore, strive to  nurse
your  platonic friendship as you would care for a good wood-
fired pit barbeque:

"Low heat"

        Too much enthusiasm can ruin a good platonic
friendship...keep those fires low!

Example:  don't  feel obligated to follow her wherever she
goes.


"Lots of smoke"

You  must  be prepared to keep your true feelings concealed.
Always be ready to change the subject, and always have a few
alibis on hand.

Example: she asks, "Have you been following me around?"

You   respond:  "What  an  odd  coincidence.   Speaking   of
following, have you been following professional basketball?"


"A little fire"

Like  with any friends, you will have your differences  with
your new platonic friend. These are to be expected; don't be
discouraged.

Example:  she says, "I know you've been following  me.  Stop
it!!! You're scaring me!!!"

You say, "I'm here if you need me."


"Tangy flavor"

It  is important that your platonic friend not take you  too
seriously.  To  do this, and to prove the strength  of  your
friendship,  throw in a few friendly jibes, especially  when
you  need  to  remind yourself of the distance you  need  to
keep.  Point  out some of her more obvious character  flaws,
then  say,  "But I love you anyway" or "That's  why  I  love
you."

Example:  She says, "You've been stalking me. I've gotten  a
restraining order and a gun."

You say:

*"Oh,  right,  like I really followed you  into  the  girl's
locker-room and camped outside your window all night. You've
got  a really high opinion of yourself, missy!" *Or, "You're
paranoid. That's why I love you."
*Or,    "Oh,    right,   like   you've    really    got    a
gun...aiiiiyyyyeeee!!! DON'T SHOOT!!"


"Extreme patience"

Not  only  is this a long-term project, but it also includes
the  ability  to  be  on-call to respond to  the  inevitable
personal crises.

Example: She calls you at 1:00 in the morning and says, "The
guy I was seeing just dumped me."

You say, "I'll be right over with my sleeping bag and 4 days
of iron rations."

Remember the mantra of the barbeque pit man: low and slow!


Do's  and  Don'ts of Cultivating and Maintaining a  Platonic
Friendship with a Woman You Would Otherwise Want To  Have  a
Relationship With and Quite Possibly Marry.

* DO  play  and replay scenarios in your mind where you  come
  out  and  declare your true feelings to her,  whereupon  you
  proceed directly to frenzied yet sensitive, passionate,  and
  completely fulfilling love-making.
* DO NOT actually  attempt this.

* DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your
  love
* DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
* DO  NOT  ever actually give her the speech. (Instead,  drop
  little,  enigmatic, self-deprecating hints to her, and  then
  agonize over why she does not pick up on them.)

* DO listen to all her problems with men:
  No matter how many times you have heard her make these same
  mistakes (with other men), DO NOT get so entranced  by  her
  soft, full  lips  that  you  lean  forward  and  kiss  her.
  (Fantasize about it instead.)
* DO feel the  knife  twisting and  your  insides  tearing up
  as you  listen  to  this
* DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane
  jealousy


* DO commiserate with your close guy friends.  See  who  can
  come  up  with the most heinously painful story about "The
  Treatment." Shudder in unison.

* DO NOT confide in any of your female friends, because:
1.   They won't understand.
2.   They've done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it.
3.   They'll think you are talking about them.
4.   They  are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the
     Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to
     Destroy All Men.

* DO get drunk and maudlin about her
* DO NOT get drunk and confront her

* If you do reveal your true feelings to her while drunk
  or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl.
  unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain
  fever, etc.), DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.
* DO say how it would be such a big mistake if you were to get
  together with her.
* DO joke about it afterwards.
* DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been
  carrying a torch for her for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
* DO NOT consciously avoid her for the next two weeks (avoid
  her unconsciously).

* DO curse yourself for being  a  miserable,  spineless,
  pathetic, emotionally-stunted fool.
* DO promise that  you will change,  that things will be
  different
* DO NOT actually change.

* DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her "love"
  or "your friend"
* DO NOT  pretend  you are kissing her  when  you lick the
  envelope.
* DO vacillate between fearing that she will discover how you
  feel about her and hoping that she does.
* DO  seek  out  opportunities to hug,  air/cheek  kiss,  and
  give/receive back rubs
* DO  NOT  let things get out of hand (if this should happen,
  apologize profusely and disavow everything)

* DO  become  trapped  in  a shallow,  meaningless,  lifeless
  relationship.
* DO NOT  actually  seek  out  a  secure,  quality,  lasting
  relationship, as this would interfere with your  fantasizing
  about her
* DO complain bitterly about this awful relationship to  all
  your friends and to her.
* DO create a web page that is vague enough to be relevant to
  the masses,  yet specific enough so that the  one,  special
  platonic  friend you've been carrying a torch for reads  it,
  comes to her senses, and fulfills Fantasy #4

-------------------------------------------
To add your comments, mail to
joelogon@phantom.com.
http://www.phantom.com/~joelogon/platonic.html
-------------------------------------------

This page was last modified August 2, 1995. This  page  was
conceived and brought forth, fully formed, on this day, June
7, 1995. Last modified February 8, 1996.

Copyright (c) Joe Loong, 1996. All rights reserved.

        
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