Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume III, Issue 16, AD MCMXCVIII
Monday, October 5th, 1998
ISSN 1482-0471
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ATTENTION It's confirmed, Mirablis is going to charge $469 for every time you 
use your microwave. If you want to see your dog again, click FORWARD and send 
this to everyone on your totem pole. If the number of people you forward this to 
equals the number of Ectasy addicts in Bulgaria (23 billion) we will not eat the 
dog. You must become a homosexual or Mirabilis will cut off all your naughty 
bits. Mirabilis is taking over the world.

-- From a forwarded ICQ message

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That reminds me of a little story about Socrates... if you want to feel better 
do this... go to a shopping mall, look around, and say to yourself, "boy am I 
blessed, there's such an abundance of things with which I can do without."

-- Mike Sousa

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1.  Editorial
2.  You're a FUNNY GUY, Now Shut the Fuck Up Part II 
3.  GOD
4.  no frills of our lives part 2
5.  Movies
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This week's Golden Testicle award:

Number one reason why drinking too much is bad.

http://automedia.com/coyote.html

Submitted by Peter Steen
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1. Editorial
by Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro

WELCOME to issue 16 of Capital of Nasty.  This issue was supposed to be nothing 
more than a recycling bin of other articles that we had, which were just sitting 
around waiting to be used.   In reality, only one article is really recycled, 
and that is Jason MacIsaac's "You're a FUNNY GUY".  This is a continuation to 
the previous article he wrote under the issue of CoN dedicated to the "People we 
hate".

Among the other articles, you will find a short one about God, submitted by one 
of our readers, as well as a new section dedicated to movies, that Jeff Wright, 
our movie guru, will be handling.  Although this section might not seem like the 
greatest, give it time to grow.

My article is nothing more than a rewrite of something I originally submitted to 
another e-zine, called "Viewer Discretion", which I wrote for under the nickname 
of Goatboy.  I hope you will enjoy this issue.  Our next issue, dedicated to 
School is nearly complete.  We have but one spot left, for anyone who is 
interested in submitting something.

"for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this 
mortal coil, Must give us pause". - Hamlet, Act III, Sc. 1.  I had a chance to 
see "What Dreams May Come" (www.whatdreamsmay.com) and it brought a strange 
sense of hope, and somewhat, of understanding.  "Thoughts are real and reality 
is an illusion".  Shame really that in my illusional reality, the car broke down 
(the mechanic forgot to put oil in the engine) and left me and my strange 
reality in the middle of nowhere, shattering it all.  My last thought, before 
the car came to a grinding alt, with smoke pouring out of the hood, was that our 
reality, although fictional, works on some strict rules of physics.

I'll leave you with this week's e-mails:

The first is from Attilio Granata:
"Every time I see the word Communist, I feel like puking.  Remove me from this 
list!"

The second one, with a little more depth than the one above, is from Gard E 
Abrahamsen, who replies to our "Relationship" issue.  And with that I leave you, 
wishing you all the best.

>4. Best Kind of Wonderful
>   by Lilith DemHareIs
>
>The Best Kind of Relationships, I believe, are the monogamous marriages. 

So far, I wholeheartedly agree.

>So you want an enduring relationship. If so, you must start with yourself. 
>Are you the sort of person with whom someone will want to spend the rest
>of their life (and beyond) with? If not, what would you change?  (And
>don't just acknowledge it; change it.)

This is where we have a SLIGHT disagreement. The way I see it, you shouldn't 
change "for someone". You end up second guessing what you THINK others might 
want in you, based on rumors, stereotypes, and so on. Heck, if I was to listen 
to all the things said about how I *should* be, I would be your everyday 
insensitive schovenistic asshole beating the crap out of my girlfriend every day 
and demaning that she go down on me NOW. It's the kind of guy girls say they 
hate, but run over to tippety-toe, because... damn, he is so COOL and MANLY!

But that is not the guy I want to be, and if I was to change myself anywhere  
NEAR that kind of jerkish behaviour, I my get a woman easily, but I'd be really 
miserable inside, and I'd beg you to shoot me. (Alas, I can't be an asshole, 
therefore I have no girlfriend)

But that doesn't mean I'm against changing myself. No, I just ask the question 
slightly differently. I do not ask if I am the kind of person that SOMEONE would 
want to be with. I ask myself if I am the kind of person that *I* would want to 
be with (looking beyond the fact that I'd rather have a woman than a guy - might 
sound like a tiny detail to you, but I'm kind'a picky when it comes to that, 
ok?). Do I feel good about myself? Would I want my mate to be just like me? 
Because that is pretty much what I'm going to get. (And herein comes the 
oxymoron about women rushing to guys who beat the crap out of them, leaving the 
NICE guys behind. What's up with that anyways?)

You have to ADMIT to the things that you don't like about yourself. Not what 
others don't like about you, but what YOU don't like about yourself. Improve 
yourself the way YOU feel fit, so that YOU will enjoy yourself and your own 
image better, regardless of what others might think or say. There is always 
someone out there who is going to be negative about you. Just ask them to shut 
the hell up.

It is pretty typical to have some kind of idol and say "that's how I want to 
be". Heck, if it helps you feel good about yourself, go for it! Just don't pick 
Marilyn Manson or Bill Gates as your idol, I would be heartbroken if you did.

*I* like to be like myself, kind'a like an original. But there is always room 
for improvement. Now and then, I stumble onto things that makes me go "woops! 
This is not good." and I change that little bit about myself. Not because 
somebody told me to, not because I think others might think differently about 
me, but because I wish to be more satisfied about myself. It is a step further 
towards who I want to be. A process that never ends, by the way, because there 
are always new things you discover, both about the world, and about yourself.

In fact, if someone asks me to change something, chances are that I'll go into a 
defensive mode. Most people do. Doesn't happen all the time, of course, and it 
is one of the things I don't like about myself. It is one more thing that I'm 
trying to get rid of. Because I don't want to be that way. And the fact is, it 
is all a matter of how things are said, and your perception of it. You can 
emphasize on what is wrong and thus say between the lines "I don't like the way 
you are, change, because you are flawed", or you can emphasize on how things 
could be better, thus saying "hey, let's make things better". This is not just 
in presentation, but also in perception. How you perceive it is a choice as long 
as you keep in mind that it is a choice.

And do beware, that much of what others communicate to you can get completely 
distorted on the way. A lot of people are afraid to say what they REALLY mean, 
and something that might have been acceptable to both of you might degenerate 
into something that is "traditionally acceptable within the stereotype", and you 
both end up miserable, not knowing that all could have been even more incredibly 
fantastic than you thought it could be.

When you get to the point where you're changing to what you think your partner 
wants you to change to based on your perception of your partner's behaviour, 
whereas your perception is based on your stereotype view and expectations from 
what your partner's behaviour should be, and your partner's behaviour is based 
on his/her stereotype view and expectations of what YOUR behaviour and 
expectations should be - you get the point. It is no longer you. It is no longer 
your partner. It is just one big cahoodle of misperception and a misery that you 
won't openly admit.

But it doesn't stop there. Being yourself is one thing. Judging others based on 
your own standards is another. I got two words for that: Don't.

It is all within the range of "being sensible about things", which includes 
admitting that you're just a human being, no better or no worse than others. But 
all too often you encounter people who have the "holier than thou" attitude. 
Notice how the number of people who are holier than Clinton so closely resembles 
the divorce rate in the US... Figures!

Gard

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2.  You're a FUNNY GUY, Now Shut the Fuck Up Part II

FUNNY GUYS DON'T TANGO 

By Jason MacIsaac

I think the FUNNY GUYS of the world are retaliating against me for that last 
article I wrote, since they seem to be crawling out from under places that even 
the roaches snub to come talk to me and be REALLY FUNNY.

That's fine, motherfuckers.  I'm armed now.  And the next guy who cracks a joke 
like "I feel like roadkill on the Information Superhighway HA HA HA HA"  
("Information Superhighway " is a term used exclusively by people who aren't 
actually on the Net) is gonna find the "I" in his Fila shirt dotted by an 
entrance wound from a .45 slug.

Take the guy I nearly killed at Rabba Fine Foods the other day.  

So I'm unloading some groceries, clearly as at the front of the line as you can 
get.  Suddenly, the FUNNY GUY comes dancing in, carrying a watermelon.

No, I'm not writing about an LSD flashback.  This happened.  This Tweedledee 
comes in with a watermelon from the produce display outside the store.  He is 
dancing.  Not really with the watermelon per say, just dancing.  

No obvious sign of drug use.his eyes looked okay, no needle tracks on his arms.  
I didn't smell alcohol.  This was either his way of being charming, or he was 
just plain crazy.

He dropped the watermelon next to my groceries.  I didn't do anything. It was a 
large watermelon, and since even small watermelons are notoriously difficult to 
shove up someone's ass, he was able to dance out of the store after this was all 
over, and not walk funny out of the store.

The free cashier next to me called him over so he scooped up his watermelon and 
danced over there instead.

When he got there, he was charged whatever price for the watermelon, and this 
shocked him.  I mean, he looked like he'd been told his mother had been shot.  
His eyes bugged out of his head.  Ever see those silent movies where everyone 
overacts every emotion?  How about when a cartoon character sees someone coming 
at him with an axe?  That's what he looked like.  Sadly, no-one actually was 
coming at him with an axe.  Mine's up at the cottage.

So he danced over to a stand away from the cash with that stunned expression, 
where a stack of flyers was sitting.  He unfolded one and indicated the 
watermelons pictured in the flyer.  He spoke not a word, he just pointed at the 
watermelon as if he were in a musical about the four food groups.  He just 
jabbed a finger at the watermelon over and over.

.until there was a triple clap of thunder from my trusty steel defender, and 
three slugs punched through the paper, slamming into his skull, digging through 
bone and brain.

.no wait, I imagined that part.  Damn.

The cashier, displaying the patience of a Saint, clued in.  The price was 
different from the one in the flier, our mime wanna-be was trying to 
communicate.    

"Those prices don't go into effect until tomorrow," she explained.

"To.mor.row?" He spoke!  Badly.  

He didn't seem to speak English well.  I can picture some evil bastard at home 
telling him that while he's in Canada, he should dance around happily at all 
times to endear himself to the jolly Canadians.  No doubt this same bastard also 
told him he should pinch the butts of anyone wearing a blue uniform and carrying 
a gun, which is the traditional Canadian manner of greeting people in authority.

"Tomorrow," said the cashier firmly.  She kept a straight face, but you could 
tell she'd be bitching about this to her friends later that night.  By the way, 
if you began singing "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow" congratulations!  
You're a FUNNY GUY, and I am going to hunt you down.

"To.mor.row?"  

Honestly I felt the urge to murder him. If I had had a gun, his relatives would 
all be sobbing "Why?! Why?!  He was so young and full of life!" and I would be 
sitting in a jail cell awaiting trial.

I would have racked my gun and pointed it to his watermelon and said "You want 
to see what a .45 slug will do to human head?" and blasted the watermelon.  Then 
I would have said "You want to feel what a .45 will do to a human head?"

Eventually he caught on, bought his watermelon anyway, and left the store.  He 
just danced out on to the street WHEN SUDDENLY AN OUT OF CONTROL ARMORED CAR RAN 
HIM DOWN AT TOP SPEED, CRUSHING HIM LIKE A SKUNK IN THE HEADLIGHTS OF AN RV ON 
THE HIGHWAY.

..no wait, I imagined that part too.  

Damn.

In retrospect, I don't know if he was trying to be entertaining, or just being 
his naturally loony self.  I wasn't alone in my annoyance (maybe my homicidal 
rage, but my therapist says I'm making progress).  Nobody had a polite smile.  
Those that weren't looking at him like he was some idiot dancing through Rabba 
with a watermelon were looking at him as though he were trying to catch one 
helluva beat-down.  

Sigh.  Gotta have a license to own a gun, but they'll let anyone buy 
watermelons.

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3.  GOD

This is a very small article that I dug up from the clutter that is my mailbox. 
It is rather old, I think I wrote it in 1992, although it cud be b4 that. I just 
felt that CoN readers might enjoy this stuff, of course you can edit/delete 
anything and everything as it is rather a controversial topic and rather 
unsettling....
do tell Jason McIsaac that I find his work absolutely amazing.....

GOD
- by Kunal

"Millions die.... for one.... God is cruel..... God's cruelty is refining"
(Adapted from Desperation, Stephen king)

I dont believe in god.

But I've heard a saying 'New Eyes see better'. I believe an atheist's eyes may 
be able to see god's light in a better perspective than those who already have 
pre-defined judgements of God. What I find sorrowful is that the people's 
willing to believe in God's 'will'. I  don't think that God even has a 'will', 
or a rule or command that we mortals should abide by. Those who claim to know 
God's 'will' will also claim to know God's mind.... which is Blasphemy. How can 
one know the mind of the supreme, i come to that judgement because that's 
exactly what god is supposed to be... Supreme. Also creator, forgiver, 
destroyer, etc etc. So, in simpler words, how can we mortals even dare to follow 
god's 'will' or his command when we even don't measure up to the supremeness of 
him? Our job, I believe, is to follow the path that he has laid out for us, as 
they say, god's path is love...happiness. Any takers for Atheism?

-------------------------------------------

4.  no frills of our lives - 2
by Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro

as appeared in Viewer Discretion, a zine in collaboration with The Annihilation 
Fountain (www.yorku.ca/academics/neil/taf) and Disobey's Low Bandwith 
(www.disobey.com/low).


Today I came back from work.  It was a great day.  We played bowling with a 
frozen bottle of water (those big ones in a plastic bottle), using yogurt for 
pins, and then played hockey with brooms and tomatoes as pucks.  We had a blast, 
and there is nothing better than a good hockey game to cheer up the soul as you 
breath the fumes of tomatoe innards.  As the store opened and I stepped into the 
ground which both clerks and humanity have to share, and I encountered the first 
few customers, I realized one thing:

When you see a cop, do you ask him what kind of job he does?  Of course not.  
You can tell by the uniform.  Same with the fireman, or a doctor, a nurse, or 
the guy that drives the bus.  You know what job he does.  You don't ask, for 
example, the guy sitting behind the wheel of a bus, if he's a bus driver.  
Chances are he will kill you.

So this brought a thought to my mind.  Why is it that everytime a customer stops 
me to ask me several questions, the first one always has to be: "Excuse me, but 
do you work here?"

What the fuck do you think I am doing here dressed this way for?  To make a 
fashion statement?  Do you think I like having my name written on this fucking 
little tag for the world to see?

I must say, I am quite stunned.  Is not like I am wearing a pair of ripped jeans 
and a random T-shirt and I'm just sitting here picking my nose.  I am wearing 
very distinctive apparel, which is quite significantly different from everyone 
else in the store.  Let's go on it step by step: black pants, black shoes.  Now, 
so far, I am not much of a difference, but the black is here for a vital 
purpose.  For anyone that has taken those silly art courses in high school, you 
probably learned all that shit about balancing things out.  So the black was 
introduced to bring out the red of the shirt.  The shirt, before I forget, which 
is a bright red, has the letters "no frills" written in bold arial letters on 
the pocket, on my left breast.  On top of my red shirt is an apron, this one 
black, with the same letters, this time however of a red colour.  It clearly 
says "no frills".  You can spot me at night almost.  To make things more 
convenient, a white and yellow nametag with "no frills" written in black on it, 
stands in front of my apron.  White stands out quite marvelously in front of the 
black.  You'd think that whoever designed this thing was a genius.

One more thing: I don't usually dress like this, sit in a corner and start 
picking my nose.  I do that when I am inside the "authorized personnel only" 
area.  When I am outside I am usually doing something which clearly separates me 
from the rest of the mob shopping in there.  I'm carrying a knife, cutting a 
box, wheeling a tray full of material, filling up a shelf.  Okay, maybe I don't 
work that hard, but I sure give the impression that I am, so nobody in 
management decides to give me some real work.

Of course, figuring out that I actually work in the grocery store where they are 
shopping, just by looking at me might seem all so logical.  Well, apparently not 
for everyone.  Out of 10 customers that stop me to ask questions, 9 will ask "do 
you work here?"

If you ask me, after hearing this question almost everyday, it becomes downright 
frustrating to the point I want to kill.

At first I wanted to beat the customer silly with a wooden stick.  Fortunately I 
limited myself in answering to things like "No, I am just a volunteer" or even 
worse "no madame, I'm an optical illusion" and walk away.  While I would get a 
good chuckle out of this that calmed my nerves, it would also get me in deep 
trouble.

I can still remember my manager who said to me once "Leo, you're a great worker, 
and I have no complaints, but please, hold your sarcasm with the customers".  
Customers will complain if they find themselves being ridiculed at, just because 
they are too stupid to make a simple realization.

But now I can proudly say that I have learned.  Simply deny that you are working 
in whatever department they are looking in and put yourself somewhere else.

"Excuse me, but do you work here?"
"No madame, I'm the bread guy" and quickly walk away.

At times you don't even have to walk away.  They sheepishly apologize and walk 
themselves away.  Sometimes though you get a smart one, who will point out "but 
you are wearing a no frills shirt!"

Ah, so you saw the fucking shirt eh?  I have to resist here with the desire to 
opening their skulls like an old watermelon.  I can picture myself a times 
jumping on top of them, and as I flash my grocery clerk issued knife, breathing 
heavily in their face (gives that moment of drama, and enough time for their 
short lives to pass by them), rip their hearts out while licking the blade (it's 
okay really, the blades in a no frills knife hardly cut paper, much less my 
tongue).  Instead I answer as if they were the most stupid person in the world:

"of course! It's a no frills!"
Think about it.  It's like being surprised that a police officer who's only duty 
is to direct traffic, is wearing a police officer uniform.

I'm not sure what I am trying to prove with this article.  But one thing is for 
sure.  Were grocery clerks allowed to carry loaded firearms and to use them for 
whatever need they saw fit, fully supported by the law, I'm sure that suddenly, 
everyone would know, when they come asking for the tuna, that we do work here.

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5.  Movies
by Jeff Wright (or wrong)

If you're reading this, I've been allowed the right to recommend a few movies 
each issue of CoN (I'm gonna limit myself to 3 or else I'd go on forever).  
Neehaw!!!  I don't like to write reviews, so I'll just tell you that a movie is 
really good, and what it's about briefly (if it doesn't ruin the movie).

MOVIE Number 1:
Todd Solondz's HAPPINESS
HAPPINESS is Solondz's second film.  His first being WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE.  
I saw this film at the Toronto Film Festival, and I was completely blown away by 
it.  It's very funny, and very disturbing (and I don't disturb easily).  The 
very basic story is this:  The lives of various people living in New Jersy 
interconnect.  A few of the people are, a sexy writer, a pedophile, and an 
under-sexed computer worker.  Don't read up on this movie before you see it cuz 
it could diminish the impact.  Just make sure that if you see one movie this 
year, it's this one.

MOVIE # 2:
Sergio Leone's THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
T.G.T.B.A.T.U. is an amazingly cool flic.  That's about all I can say about it.  
It's slow, but it's supposed to be.  I don't think I'd like it if it wasn't.  
Because of its length it does drag in some parts, but sit through them and 
you'll be glad you did.

MOVIE numero Trois:
Alfred Hitchcock's NORTH BY NORTHWEST
This is one of the best films ever made that crosses genres together 
successfully.  It could be categorized as an 
ACTION/SPY/ROMANCE/COMEDY/MYSTERY/THRILLER, and probably even more.  It's 
Hitchcock at his best so you know you're getting some good entertainment.  It 
stars Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint.  Go see it.

Thanks for reading,
Jeff (who is thinking that perhaps this is longwinded and from now on may just 
list the director and the movie's title)

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"Do you work here?"  -- GOD

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome

http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

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