Date sent:        Mon, 24 Feb 1997 14:38:51 -0500
To:               (Recipient list suppressed)
From:             Colin Barrett <tyrannis@capnasty.org>
Subject:          Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine II.08

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 8, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, February 24th, 1997

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"Those bored Japanese guys.. they're cool!"

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1.	How *NOT* To Be a Newbie.
2.      A Brief Section of Events
3.      Top Five Extremely Rude Things Heard In Star Wars
4.      College entrance exam - Rugby player version
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1.	How *NOT* To Be a Newbie.

 by Lilith DemHareIs <damian@ois.com.au>

 Every day thousands of people join the great cosmic force known
as the Internet.  And many of these people like to go around with big
red neon signs screaming NEWBIE!!" (Blinking signs, at that.)  The sad
part is that they don't know they are wearing these glaring pointers.
Very few people are willing to help these poor souls. 

 If you are new to the Net, here are a few tips to toss off that
neon sign.

 First of all, don't go around announcing that you are a newbie.
This will be apparent without your drawing attention to the fact.  Many
people will post to a newsgroup, or a maillist or so, saying, "Hi, I'm
a newbie, and..."  That doesn't help your cause.  Most people will ignore
newbies.  A handful will tell you to go away, or other nasty responses.
A very few will actually help you.  Letting the denizens of cyberspace
know you're inept and clueless does not help, especially in a game of
Diplomacy.

 Second, watch and learn!  Many beginners go off, see the wide
world of the Net, and make many common mistakes.  If you keep your
eyes open you can watch others make these mistakes, suffer for them,
then avoid their fate.  Spamming, crossposting, misposting, and asking
"What is going on?" are usually bad practices.  Watch what others do
and don't do, and then you can proceed with confidence.

 Never be afraid to properly ask a good question.  If you are
in doubt about something, feel free to ask a question.  Hopping into
IRC and immediately broadcasting to everyone "What's going on?" is a
good way to not make friends.  (Watch and learn.  And don't tell them
you're a newbie."  In IRC, the topic soon becomes quite clear.
Newsgroups usually have a FAQ form.  And Web pages point you to more
information.  Nevertheless, there come times when some of us must ask
questions. The best way to do this is to query someone privately, and
make your questions specific. If you show that you've done a bit of your
own research, but seem to have become stuck, people are more likely to
help you.  If you pop into a newsgroup and ask "I'm a student and I'm
doing a research paper on dogs.  I was wondering if I could get
information on dogs," then people aren't going to help you.  This sort
of question says to them that you are too lazy to go find the
information yourself, and you want them to do all the work for you.
Now, how helpful are they going to be?

 Finally, don't think that you have to distinguish yourself on
the net.  It's not High School.  You don't have to prove yourself or
else you end up sitting with the Dweebs during lunch.  Take it easy,
and go with the flow.  Don't think you have to impress people.  Chances
are, you won't be able to anyway.  If you sit back and watch what
happens, you'll be able to pick up the gist of the cow without sticking
your foot in your mouth.

 So toss off that Screaming Newbie sign and realize the joy of
being an established Netgeek.

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2.	A Brief Section of Events


Necklace means gay

        A girl I have the fortune to work with, looks at me
        and says "Leo, like, either I'm really strange or you
        are really gay".
        "Why is that?" I ask surprised (couldn't help it)
        "What's with the necklace?  I mean, it makes you so
        gay" pointing at a little necklace with my zodiac sign.
        "Well" I answer "guess what?  I am gay, and apparently
        my girlfriend doesn't mind".
        "Oh, what's that supposed to mean?  Men get married and
        then admit they are gay".
        "Well, she is more masculine, while I am more feminine,
        so we compensate for each other, don't you think?  I
        think that you are just jealous because I get to hang
        out with all the cute greek boys while you are stuck
        on cash with those nasty customers..hah hah! I get the
        Souvlaki and you don't!" and I walked away.
        "No, Leo, wait..!"

Life on Europa

        According to scientists, at a conference in Seattle,
        Europa, Jupiter's second moon, could sustain life
        forms.  Bacteria and worms are what science believes
        lives beneath 200 kilometers of ice.

What's wrong with cash?

        Tried to make reservation at Hotels in Quebec City, but
        apparently without a credit card, they wont accept it.
        I guess that cash has lost it's fascination, while
        primitive countries, like France, still think that the
        funny looking paper I was offering them, has some sort of value.

Weather gets better

        Forecast reports that weather in the Toronto area will get
        better in the next few days.  Truth is, that after a Sunday
        where a snow storm covered an almost ready for spring city
        with a good 20 cm of snow, anything else the weather will
        throw at us will remind us of Bermuda.

Don't you bitch at me

        Monday, 8:38 AM, rush hour, Eglinton West 32C bus, on my
        way to work.  An Afro-Canadian woman enters the bus and
        says to the driver  "There is ****ing snow all over the
        ****ing bus stop, and even snow inside this ****ing bus"
        "I'm sorry," replies the driver "but unfortunately it's
        still snowing and we can't keep all the bus stops clean"
        "Like you care, you ****ing bitch" replies the woman to
        the driver.  The driver, a tall, blonde woman, probably
        in her early forties, slams on the brakes, opens the front
        door, gets out of her seat and just says "Get out of my bus".
        Suddenly the Afro-Canadian woman starts speaking perfect
        english, asking why she should leave.
        "I'm not here to take your verbal abuse.  Get off this bus".
        says calmly the driver.
        "I'm not getting off" replied the woman, looking around
        for support.
        "Then this bus is out of service".  And so, for half an
        hour the bus sat on the side of Eglinton West.  When
        finally the woman got up and left, not without first
        saying "It's because I'm black, that's why.  'Cause I'm
        black..", the driver called dispatch and informed she
        was back in service, and started driving again.  Ironically,
        nobody said a thing.  Everyone just sat there reading their
        papers or looking elsewhere. The other Afro-Canadians not
        wanting to get involved, the Canadians of European descent
        to avoid being accused of being racist.
        After all, we all got to work, didn't we?

FACE it

        The CyberAngels, that force on the net made to fight
        pornography and protect kids from sites which contain
        inappropriate material, want to create a database with
        pictures of the faces of the kids that have been used
        for child pornography.  CU-Digest considers this a
        double victimization (first you get abused, and then
        your face is there for everyone to see), but CyberAngel
        Gabriel Hatcher <gabriel@cyberangels.org> is sure that
        this can be done well with the help of authorities.
        "FACE" = FREEING ABUSED CHILDREN from EXPLOITATION
        (Computer Underground Digest #9.09 by David Smith <bladex@bga.com>)

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3.      Top Five Extremely Rude Things Heard In Star Wars

        by Jason MacIsaac <jason@ifront.com>

5.  "Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?"
4.  "Curse my metal body!  I wasn't fast enough!"
3.  "Get in there you big furry oaf!  I don't care what you smell!"
2.  "You came in that?  You're braver than I thought."
1.  "Look at the size of that thing!"


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4.      College entrance exam - Rugby player version

        courtesy of Betty and Bennett Kwan <b2kwan@acs.ryerson.ca>

College entrance exam - Rugby player version

Time Limit: 3 WKS


What language is spoken in France? 

Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge  
(b) sail the ocean  
(c) lead an army or 
(d) WRITE A PLAY   


What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish       
(b) Catholic      
(c) Hindu         
(d) Polish       
(e) Agnostic           
(check only one)  

Metric conversion.  How many feet is 0.0 meters?

What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 5?

How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners  
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
(d) Canadians

Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
Bush:
Carter:
Clinton:

Six kings of England have been called George, the last one
being George the Sixth.  Name the previous five.

Where does rain come from? 
(a) Macy's  
(b) a 7-11  
(c) Canada  
(d) the sky 

Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? 
(a) yes
(b) no  

What are coat hangers used for?

The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what
country?

Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your
name in BLOCK LETTERS.

Where is the basement in a three story building located?

Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York 
(b) California
(c) Canada    
(d) Wisconsin 

Advanced math.  If you have three apples how many apples do
you have?

Advaced math: If the square root of 25 is 5 what is the square root
of 0?
(a)0
(b)0
(c)0
(d)all of the above

What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when(approximately)?
(a) B.C. 
(b) A.D. 

Bonus Question:
What is the average length of a rugby field?
(a)100m
(b)101m
(c)102m
(d)99m

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

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In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere.
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine	"laugh: don't cry"
Published every monday (Hhahaahhaah!)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive.
Comments and Queries welcomed.

http://www.capnasty.org

Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing Proletariat)
Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro          Colin Barrett
<ordnael@freenet.hut.fi>          <egress@interlog.com>

ZimID 708EC8D1  1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32  7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D


