Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume II, Issue 38, Year AD MCMXCVII
Monday, October 13th, 1997
ISSN 1482-0471
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After several interviews with different ovines, CoN scientists have 
finally arrived to the shattering conclusion that the sound of a 
goat is not "baah". According to sources, goats go "maah" while 
lambs go "baah". Although several lawsuits are still in the process 
of being resolved by both sides on the rights of the "baah" sound, 
there are apparently no problems for public domain use. 

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Sometimes I think about becoming a serial killer. I like to think 
about how many I could get away with, and what my MO would be. A 
friend of mine suggested being the 'Toucan Son-of-Sam'. He said you 
could gut your victims, fill them with Froot Loops, and send notes 
to the police saying to 'follow your nose'. 

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1. Editorial 
2. Cereal Killer: The Dog-Eat-Dog World of Cereal Mascots 
3. not to trust is better 
4. Reasons Why Your Personal Website Bites 
5. Arranged marriages 

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This week's Golden Testicle award: 

The Cycles Page
To better help you keep track of your menstrual cycle

http://www.io.com/~brenda/cycles/

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1. Editorial

Welcome to Issue 38 of Capital of Nasty. I have been playing Jedi 
Knight for the past few days now, after I bought it early Thursday 
morning. I know it's only a computer game, but I was really 
fascinated by the quality of the graphics and the playability, that 
Quake looks boring in comparison. To top it all, I've also been 
quite busy with work and doctors, so my apologies, this issue 
suffered a bit from it. 

Back in Issue 36 we had that female reader, Bronwyn Mitchell, who 
wrote a complaint about "something". To this day, I still don't know 
what she was complaining about, in fact I had posted the message in 
the editorial asking readers just what the heck she was shrieking 
about. I thought that was the last I was going to hear from her. 
Instead, I go check my mailbox yesterday and this is what I find

Date sent: Sat, 11 Oct 1997 13:44:18 -0700 (PDT) 
To: con@capnasty.org 
From: Bronwyn Mitchell  
Subject: you the man  

Dear cap nasty 

I love your magazine but you should put more things in about comic 
books and that stuff. 

keep it up 

What gives? Anyway, here at CoN, we are thinking of setting up a 
comix section. Not an article section where we discuss comic book 
heroes, or if Superman is gay or Batman and Robin homosexuals while 
the Incredible Hulk goes around showing his penis envy all green of 
jealousy. Instead we will have an official CoN comix strips, called 
the "Thursday@CoNmix" where we'll display rather unusual cartoons. 
We will announce it to our readership as soon as it will be online. 

Talking about comics, I'd like to make a comment about Dilbert. 
Before I started working in this office, I never really understood 
the humour behind it. In fact I would read them and wonder if I had 
left my sense of humour by my bed, next to the dentures. That was 
until I started working part-time at a certain company. I began to 
see strange patterns develop in the everyday life at the office and 
found them strange. The strangest thing of them all was seeing them 
reproduced in Dilbert's comic strip. At first I was laughing, since 
I could finally catch the dark humour. Now I scream in fear. 

Just as an example, the other day my phone was removed. Apparently 
it is against company policy to have a phone if you don't need one 
for work. Management even had a meeting over why I had a phone. When 
I asked why my phone had been removed, I was lead in many different 
directions, but never told the true reason. I hope they don't take 
my chair away now since I stole this from the "chair cemetery", a 
huge pile of chairs stashed at the very back of our large room, and 
they might realize that is not company policy for me to have wheels 
on my chair since I don't need to wheel myself around. 

Another girl I work with was more fortunate than I. Instead of 
taking her phone away, they reduced the cord of a few feet, so now 
the phone is further away from her. She was told that this was had 
been done because they liked the phone there better. The truth was 
that because she forgot to make one change on some work, they 
decided that it happened since "she spends too much time on the 
phone." Two and a half feet less of phone cord will now solve the 
problem and increase the overall productivity. Brilliant, huh? 

If you think their logic is a little faulty, I can only say it's 
improving. For a good year and a half, they had an half ass monkey 
up in marketing screwing us over and making us lose a ton of money. 
The funny part was that everyone in management knew, but never did 
anything about it since "he was cheap." Oh, and he had a phone. 

You can visit Dilbert at United Media's homepage at: 
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/. 

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving although we should always be 
grateful of what we have. Please don't reply with one of those 
messages stating you don't believe in God and therefore you have 
nothing to celebrate nor thank. Be grateful you still have your 
phone, chair, and people around you that have done something special 
for you. I'll leave you with the last message I got from freak-
woman. Have a great one. 

Date sent: Sun, 12 Oct 1997 12:42:44 -0700 (PDT) 
To: leandro@capnasty.org 
From: Bronwyn Mitchell 
Subject:  

Leandro when are we going to get your next issue off cap nasty 
magazine I'm dying to read it here. 


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2. Cereal Killer: The Dog-Eat-Dog World of Cereal Mascots

  by Jason MacIsaac 

It's not easy being a star, now matter how little, or how big. The 
price of fame must be paid if you're an A-list actor, or a cereal 
mascot. 

The Trix Rabbit: The Trix Rabbit has seen his share of scandal. The 
recent arrest of a notorious Hollywood madam and the subsequent 
publishing of her "Little Black Book" in a national tabloid has lead 
to many lawsuits for defamation of character. These lawsuits and 
public opinion turned against the Rabbit when he was caught speeding 
in his Mercedes with prostitute Divine Brown and six kilos of 
cocaine. Hack comedians have had a field day with the Trix Rabbit, 
his line "Silly Rabbit, tricks are for johns" being the punchline of 
many vicious jokes. 

Count Chocula: Count Chocula is known as the "Martha Stewart" of the 
cereal world, a ruthlessly rich and miserly man. Having virtually 
destroyed his business partners Frankenberry, the Booberry Ghost and 
the Fruity-Yummy-Mummy, Count Chocula no longer makes public 
appearances, but continues to run his enterprise from his mansion in 
Bel-Air. Children's Aid societies have attempted to get him to close 
down his third-world sweatshops where 5 year old children smear 
congealing chocolate milk on rice bits thirteen hours a day for 5 
cents an hour, but without success. Frankenberry, Booberry Ghost, 
and Fruity-Yummy- Mummy have written a best-selling, tell-all book 
entitled Count Chocula: He is a Bloodsucker After All.

Toucan Sam (Froot Loops): For years a member of an endangered 
species, Toucan Sam used his celebrity status to promote the 
protection of such species. However, he fell in with more and more 
radical causes, starting with Greenpeace. He soon dismissed their 
"conservative" techniques and turned to the terrorist organization 
ALA (Animal Liberation Army). In 1994, their headquarters in 
Boulder, Colorado was raided by Federal Agents. Police recovered 
automatic weapons and explosives, and found further evidence 
implicating Toucan Sam, the Camel Cigarettes camel Joe, and Smokey 
the Bear. Sam was released on parole, but during a routine police 
stop in Beverly Hills, a firearm was found in his car. He was 
sentenced to five years in prison, but was released after serving 
two years. Sam converted to Scientology soon after, and can now be 
seen conducting personality tests in the Dianetics headquarters in 
New York, in between commercials. 

Snap, Crackle and Pop (Rice Krispies): Though happy and lively in 
public, in secret the trio hated working with each other. Snap and 
Crackle were both homosexuals, and had a stormy off and on 
relationship. Pop, meanwhile, was a virulent homophobe, and 
concluded that he was carrying the trio. A brief solo career went 
nowhere, as Pop and David Caruso appeared in a TV series that was 
both a critical and Nielson's failure. Pop returned to his more 
successful career, but the on set bickering became more intense. 
Crackle had been seeing Tony the Tiger on the side, sending Snap 
into a jealous rage, trashing Crackle's wardrobe and purposely 
driving his Lambourgini into a tree. Pop meanwhile insisted that he 
was the real star of the group, and demanded more money. He didn't 
get it, but managed to secure contract stipulations such as never 
sharing a wardrobe or changing rooms, and not having to attend 
rehearsals, only showing up to the day of taping. Their uneasy 
partnership continues. 

Lucky (Lucky Charms): Lucky came under investigation when the 
British Army raided a Northern Ireland apartment, where several 
known members of the Irish Republican Army had been hiding. Lucky's 
name was found in several IRA documents. When the Army produced 
evidence that Lucky had been diverting money to the IRA, Lucky 
agreed to act as informant in order to bargain his way into a 
suspended sentence. Though the Seinn Fenn denies it, it is widely 
believed that Lucky now has a million dollar price on his head for 
his actions, and never goes anywhere without six bodyguards. He is 
driven to the set of his commercials in a bulletproof limousine. 

Sugar Bear (Sugar Crisp): In secret, Sugar Bear battled a long- time 
substance abuse problem. His doctors expressed their first concerns 
when they discovered Sugar Bear was scooping "the other kind of 
sugar" on his crispy, tasty, honey-coated puffs of wheat. When it 
was learned that he was freebasing sugar crisp, he was ordered by 
his agent to take time off to clean up. He seemed to comply, but two 
months into his sabbatical, he was admitted to L.A. County hospital 
for 3rd degree burns to 60% of his body. He had been drinking 
heavily, accidentally spilling vodka all over himself. He then 
attempted to freebase, igniting his clothes. He underwent 
reconstructive facial surgery and was ordered by a judge to enter 
rehab. He continues his battle with the addiction. 

The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bakers: Corporate cutbacks at General 
Mills made it necessary to reduce headcount, so two of the three 
bakers were laid off. The first could not take the rejection, and 
died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound two months later, alone and 
unemployed. Drugs and alcohol were a factor. The youngest of the 
crowd left show business entirely, went back to school and received 
a degree in business. He now has a successful career selling Saturns 
at a dealership in California. The remaining baker, the plump 
balding one, could not handle the workload created by the absence of 
two people. He was admitted to the Betty Ford clinic for addiction 
to uppers and painkillers after suffering a nervous breakdown. He 
was fired soon afterwards, but sued for wrongful dismissal. Lawyers 
for General Mills and the baker quietly settled out of court. The 
baker was presented with an undisclosed severance payment. 

The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee: Seemingly leading a life of luxury and 
happiness, the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee stunned the world when during 
the filming of a commercial, he was beaten to the taste of Nuts n' 
Honey for the umpteenth time, and went on a murderous rampage. He 
picked up a .45 and began shooting. Two cameramen were killed, and 
so was the co-star of the commercial, who had beaten the Bee to the 
taste of Nuts n' Honey on a pair of in-line skates, while the Bee 
accidentally ran into the back of a garbage truck. Police 
sharpshooters eventually shot and killed the Bee, but not before 
four were dead and two were wounded. Survivors reported that the Bee 
sang "It's that fucking taste of honey, with a crunch that's goddamn 
nutty...It's a bitch of an O..." throughout the 50 minute ordeal. 


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3. ... not to trust is better

  by Peter Fung 

It was only last week when my girlfriend and I were walking home 
when somebody I recognized came up to us and asked me if he could 
borrow some money so he could get a taxi so he can see his 
girlfriend's grandmother who was rushed to the hospital earlier. (so 
he says) I remembered this individual from my days at grade school. 
I was contemplating the request at which he said he would return the 
money tomorrow. I gave him the money, $20 and that night I really 
pondered hard at what I did. Was his story a load of crock or true? 
Unfortunately to my dismay, it was the latter. The next day when I 
was out getting my computer serviced with my girlfriend and her 
brother Ben. I called home to relay a message from my sister who 
called, my mom mentioned some unkempt individual arrived at our 
door, looking for me and asking to borrow money from her. At this, I 
was not very amused. I was f**king pissed! This acquaintance neither 
returned the money or gave any explanation and had the nerve to ask 
my mother for money. Who the hell is he? After hanging up, my 
girlfriend knew something was wrong, from my expression I had. I 
wanted to beat the hell out of this guy! 

  I eventually cooled down at dinner with her aunt, which made me 
forget about my troubles. Afterwards, I returned home at received a 
phone call from him. I was just fortunately he didn't arrive in 
person, I would have kicked his ass. He told me he arrived at my 
house and did not say anything about trying to borrow money from my 
mom. He then gave a story about getting his check now, at 11:30pm 
and needing money to get a taxi and getting it cashed. I told him he 
would not receive anymore money or help from me and not to call me. 
He then wanted to come over and talk about it which I refused for 
his own safety, because I would beat the living f**king sh*t out of 
him, if he did. At this point, my thoughts went to where my brother 
put part of a pool cue (the larger end) just in case he didn't 
listen. At this point I slammed receiver on him and thought myself a 
fool in trusting someone I knew. I asked my girlfriend who was over 
and heard the entire conversation, if I am too trusting or just a 
fool. She just came over and held me, which I needed very badly a 
this point. 

  Why do people lie? Especially the ones you know. If they needed 
money why don't they just ask for it? Why lie about returning it 
when they don't? I learned the hard way that you can't really trust 
anybody except those you care dearly about. Now I am hardened and 
less forgiving to those who lie and less generous to the homeless 
due to one person's act of dishonesty. This doesn't mean I wouldn't 
give a good friend a couple bucks. I just have to be on my guard 
more than usual. 


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4. Reasons Why Your Personal Website Bites

  by Rob Glass 

Hello children of the cheese. We get alot of mail here at the Cheese 
Factory from people who have websites that ask "Why don't people 
visit my website?" Well it's time to be brutally frank and run down 
the list of why some people's personal websites bite, and some tips 
on how to make them better. 

1  Don't Put Pictures Of Your Personal Belongings On Your Website- 
Why is it that everytime I visit somebody's website they have some 
silly little line such as.. "Hi my name is nick, and I drive a van. 
Click here if you would like to see a picture of my van." No one 
wants to see a stupid picture of your '77 chevy love machine. Oh and 
howabout..." I have a cat named Dooky. Click here to see a picture 
of dooky." Uhhhhh do you think there are people whose lives are sad 
enough to seek comfort in a friggen picture of your cat? Please 
people remember, if your going to put pictures on your website make 
sure they're pictures of semi nude models or fights in bars. That's 
what the kids want to see! 

2  Don't Use Your Name For The Title Of Your Website With The Word 
Fun Attached- If your going to name your website please refrain from 
using titles such as "Mike's Fun Website." People don't give a rat's 
pooper what Mike finds fun. A title for a website should try to draw 
the viewer in or at least mislead them! A cool title for a website 
would be "Crazy Nate's House Of Girls And Farm Animals." Even if the 
site doesn't contain any of that stuff at least you have the person 
stuck in your site. You can worry about explaining the title later. 

3  People Don't Need To Know You Too Well!- Okay I understand if you 
would like to let people know about you, and who you are, but we 
have to draw the line somewhere. Don't put..... 

Mike Thompson 
Age- 23
35 Linefield Road Medfield Mass 

(504) 444-4442 

Credit Card Number- 4454-323-2323
Social Security Number- 3442-34-3343

Number Of Weeks Spent At A State Hospital- 23 

Favorite Movie- Howard The Duck 

Now the only problem with this one is he admitted he actually liked 
Howard The Duck. It's okay to put your credit card number online 
because it shows that you trust people enough to let them use your 
credit card occasionally to buy stuff... as long as they pay you 
back of course. We're all honest... right people? 

4  Don't Make A Website If Your Just Going To Have A Bunch Of Links 
To Other Websites- If your going to make a website don't make a site 
with a bunch of links to other pages... 

Hi My Name Is Lisa And Here Are My Favorite Places To Visit... 

Elvis Month! 

ARCHIVES 

Why would someone visit a website if they knew that person was just 
going to show them other websites they like. You don't even know the 
person why would you care where they like to visit? If your going to 
have a website at least have a couple of sections with your thoughts 
on something. 

5  If Your Just Going To Have A Site Full Of Links... Just Make Sure 
The "CHEESE FACTORY OF FUN AND LOVE" Is At The Top Of Your List- At 
least people will know you have taste. 

6  One Picture Of You On Your Website Is Enough- Please refrain from 
having a site that looks like.... 

Hi My Name Is Mike. Click here to see a picture of me Mike's Stupid 
Picture. Click here to see a picture of me in Europe Some More Of 
Mike's Stupid Pictures. Click here to see a picture of me in my Van 
And Yet Another Dose Of Mike's Stupid Pictures. 

One picture of you is enough. 

Well that's about all for today's lesson. Please feel free to write 
to me about life or fast cars... Mojorisenn@aol.com 

This article appears courtesy of Rob Glass and The Cheese Factory 
http://members.aol.com/VoodooCh1/wywbb.html 


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5. Arranged marriages

  by Davinder Sangha 

Currently, I am twenty-three years old and being the oldest of four 
siblings my parents have started to hunt down for a son-in-law. 
Nevertheless, my parents are aware of my views, but insist that they 
know what's best for me. Although I have lived in Canada all my life 
and have adopted perhaps a different mentality that they have, I 
have managed to delay this ongoing process and continue my journey 
in life the way I want it to be. 

  The term arranged marriage is thought of being an image of two 
people meeting for the first time, on the day of their wedding 
night, and they have no choice but to marry the person selected by 
their parents. Most arranged marriages allow for meetings between 
the future partners, and are given the a chance to view if the 
selected person is compatible for them. 

  When parents are selecting a mate for their child, they pay great 
attention to religion, education background, family background and 
especially social class. If the future mate does not follow in any 
of the above categories then he or she is rejected. 

  Being an East Indian woman I disapprove with this concept. 
Although, individuals are able to meet with their future spouse, the 
individual cannot be themselves because of the family involvement. 
Therefore, one has to put on an act for the other party. Personally, 
I believe that in the past generations arranged marriage worked well 
because individuals remained together for the sake of family, and if 
the marriage didn't work the individuals always had the excuse of 
blaming their parents. 

  Personally I don't think that arranged marriages work anymore, 
especially when the kids have lived and have been in contact with 
different views everyday of their life. Fortunately, many "mother-
in-laws" that came to see me have found my looks unsatisfying. They 
don't like the clothes I wear or find my hair to be too short since 
it goes down only past my shoulders rather than my lower back. 
Mostly however do not like my independent personality: they want a 
submissive woman that will obey both husband and mother-in-law 
without ever complaining. I'm sorry, but I have a personality 

  I don't blame my parents for what they are doing. I know they are 
doing it because they love me and care about me and want to be sure 
that I'll be well taken care of once they are gone. I'm sure however 
that eventually they will come around and accept that sometimes not 
all traditions can be enforced. 

  Life is a constant change, and after all, this is my life. 

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A survey in USA Today reveals that 65% of people would tell someone 
if he or she had food stuck in his or her teeth. Seventy four 
percent said the survey people at USA Today have way, way too much 
time on their hands.
