Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume VII, Issue 6, AD MMII
Monday, March 25, 2002
ISSN 1482-0471
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You know what I can't stand?  People who can't understand a simple 
analogy.  Let's say I'm arguing that karate is boring.  Someone will 
say "how do you know if you haven't tried it?"
I go "I haven't tried suicide but I know it's bad for you."
Idiots will ALWAYS respond: "but karate won't kill you."

See that's not the point.  The point of the analogy was that you 
don't have to try something to know something about it but for some 
reason 90% of people just can't understand the concept of an analogy

-- Konrad

-------------------------------------------

"Obviously you take my comments far too seriously. I think comments 
such as this are why we have over 400 hundred people in this group 
but only a small percentage participate in the discussions. I think 
many people don't wish to make a comment on this list and then have 
their head handed back to them. "

-- discussion list

-------------------------------------------

1.  Editorial
2.  The Half-Life of Lying: A Protest
-------------------------------------------

This week's Golden Testicle award:

http://www.cs.man.ac.uk/~hancockd/dol.htm

The Database of Lies

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1. Editorial
Attack of the Groans

By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro

I was exiting one of the most horrendous examples of modern 
architecture the other day: the Paramount cinema.  For those that 
haven't seen it, this is the ultimate abomination that sprouted in 
the fashion district of Toronto, to ensure that multiple servings of 
the latest Hollywood shite can be enjoyed by insane amounts of 
people.  All of this with over-priced servings of Starbucks coffee, 
popcorn, and whatever else that uses sugar as 90% of its ingredient.  
Myriads of little corporate-slaves, all dressed in black with their 
little `Team Player' tags drone about the place as if they were 
ants.

Whoever designed the building perhaps was trying to make it look 
original, stand out, give it a sense of overwhelming entertaining 
value.  As far as I can tell, the architect only managed to get the 
`stand out' part right, as it is the ugliest structure I've ever 
seen.   Not even the Mall of America can successfully reach this 
level of tackiness.

And while this place has the convenience that you can see any movie 
you may feel inclined to see with good seating, good sound and 
fairly decent viewing ability -- which all depends on where you end 
up sitting -- it's upsetting to see venues such as these lacking the 
charm and charisma as some of the older places.  The good old 
Eglinton, with it's fascinating Art Deco style is bound to close, 
and we're stuck with this corporate place without an identity of 
it's own.

But I digress.

Anyway, as I was leaving the theatre, I spotted the poster for the 
upcoming "Attack of the Clones", the ever famous Episode 2 of the 
Star Wars saga.  For a brief moment I imagined that perhaps this 
movie may clean up some of the mistakes of the previous one.  
Perhaps be entertaining.  Perhaps feature all the things that, to 
me, makes a Star Wars movie.  Fortunately, I quickly checked for a 
lobotomy scar and found none.

Let's be frank.  With all the hype, pictures on McDonald's fries, 
posters, toys and propaganda, it doesn't take away from one fact: 
Episode II is going to blow.
To reinforce this, I suggest to everyone to look at the first 
trailer that came out for Episode II.  I hear there is a second, 
longer one, but I haven't seen it.  I also didn't make any effort in 
trying to do so, either.

So, without much further ado, here are my top ten reasons why 
Episode II will turn into a giant black hole and suck, suck, suck:

10. Jar Jar Binks will not die the gruesome, painful and pointless 
death everyone was expecting.  In fact, for a mere split second, we 
get to see him dressed in some weird summer dress standing next to 
Obi Wan.  Now, clearly, he isn't in the trailer for more than a 
second in case it may discourage some of the more hardcore Star Wars 
geeks from actually seeing this.  But he's there.  Chances are we 
will all be entertained by his whimsical blabber that will have us 
rolling on the floor.  In spastic cramps.

9. Anakin "Yoopee" Skywalker -- no, some of us can't let down the 
"Yoopee", sorry -- appears as the cockiest little bastard you've 
ever seen.  You're Dark Vader, damn it!  Act evil and stuff!  Kill 
little furry creatures that cross your path!  No, we get to see him 
ride his hover-scooter in the desert on the verge of tears.

Aside from the shame that Hayden Christensen is from up here, what 
little he mutters on the trailer sounds like a bad combo of Southern 
jargon and pre-pubescent arrogance.  Hopefully the movie will spare 
us any `you got a purty mouth boy' scenes in the backwoods of Naboo 
in the company of Jar-Jar creatures.

8. Uh, hello?  We want to see lightsabre fights.  We want fighters 
zooming in and out, blasting their proton-cannon-thingies at each 
other.  We want to see massive starships gun blazing at each other.  
Instead we get bits of Anakin and the Princess arguing.  Or having a 
drink together.  Or kissing.  Or going for pic-nics.  What is this, 
Starship Titanic?

7. Is it just me, or is Naboo the most boring planet in the history 
of Science Fiction?  It's populated by Jar-Jar creatures and other 
boring humans that live in really pretty places and find it 
important to change clothing every scene. Princess Amidala manages 
to display more fancy clothing in less than 11 seconds of trailer 
than your average supermodel does in a runway show. Mr. Anakin is 
wearing the same old drab, but men are slobs, so I guess that's 
okay.

Already the whole Trade Federation blockade parade was hard to 
digest, but to be back in the backwaters of the universe again and 
witness a love story -- as if we didn't know that was going to 
happen -- is insulting.  Lightsabres, people!  That's all I got to 
say.

Okay, okay, Naboo is not the most boring planet in the history of 
Science Fiction.  Make that the second.  First goes to Deep Space 
Nine with planet Bajor.  Why didn't the Cardassians kill them all in 
one big swoop is still beyond me.  Not that I've seen the show or 
anything.  No, not I.

6.  The character everyone is obsessed about is here: Boba Fett.  
That's right.  We get to see a glimpse of him floating in the air 
and firing some red laser out of his arm.  Seeing his past... or 
rather, future experience in handling any of the good characters of 
the Star Wars universe, you have to wonder what purpose he serves 
here.  Other than incite more people to buy the Boba Fett Action 
Figure.

I heard rumours that this may not be the actual Boba Fett, but his 
long lost cousin or something, so my guess is that this Boba will 
die in a stupid way too.  I can picture this already: massive fight 
endures between Boba and Obi.  Suddenly when everything seems lost 
for Obi, Boba will trip and hit his head really hard against the 
corner of a table and die.  Why do people trust these folks?  Don't 
tell me it's the Mandalorian armour.

5. I'm still upset at that whole Miti-chloriens story.  Thanks 
George.
 
4. Why is everything so spotless and clean?  One of the cool things 
of Star Wars was that everything looked run down, dirty and used.  
Now it looks like everything came out of an Ikea catalogue.  Even 
the starfighters look like they've never been used.  Yellow 
starfighters at that! 

3. The trailer shows that the main characters are in Coruscant, 
Naboo and Tatooine.  Are there no other planets in this Universe to 
go for a slushy with your Royal girlfriend?

2.  Yoda is completely computer generated!  Why did you have to die, 
Jim Henson?  Why?!

1. Judging by the title, there is going to be some massive war with 
clones.  Why do people care about this planet, is still beyond me.  
However, we can already picture how this will work.  Tons of clones 
will land on the planet, and start blowing things up.  Nobody will 
actually die -- or care --, because George Lucas' kids will be 
watching this, so no chance that a Jar-Jar thing may buy it.

Suddenly Anakin will come out of the bathroom -- all that sex to 
make Leia and Luke requires a refreshing shower --, hit the wrong 
switch, all the clones will fall dead to the ground.  Meanwhile the 
light in the bathroom will remain on till Episode III, with princess 
Amidala throwing up in the toilet due to morning sickness.

Georgie boy lied to us again, folks.  So much for listening to its 
audience in improving the upcoming.  Perhaps we can hope, just like 
with the "Phantom Edit", we'll get the "Attack of the Edits".  I'm 
just glad I'm not one of those people that had to wait sixteen years 
to see Episode I in it's true form.

-------------------------------------------

2.  The Half-Life of Lying: A Protest

By Jason MacIsaac

"He is a child of realism who is not on speaking terms with his 
father." -Oscar Wilde, The Decay of Lying

Oscar Wilde once wrote a paper on "The Decay of Lying" in which he 
bemoaned the failure of artists to make up "beautiful untrue 
things."   

Wilde chose the term "decay" deliberately.  In addition to being a 
playwright and essayist, he was also a nuclear physicist (well, he 
was the sort who could have claimed to be one with a straight face).  
Lies are like radioactive materials.   Radioactive materials decay.  
That decay is expressed in what's known as a half-life.  Defined in 
your Physics textbook as "The time required for half the nuclei in a 
sample of a specific isotopic species to undergo radioactive decay." 
Depending on the material, a half-life can be really quick--Radon 
222's half-life is 3.823 days; or insanely long--Uranium 238's half-
life is 4.47 billion years, or about the time of your average 
airport delay.

In Wilde's day, lying was like Bismuth 210; it had a respectable 
half-life of 5.01 days before it was no longer any good. They had 
Beautiful Liars, whose lies were skillful, or at least entertaining 
and made a damn good show.  That was in 1889.  Today, lying is more 
like Polonium 214, with a half-life of 0.000164 seconds, or the 
attention span of the Britney Spears fan club.  We have Ugly Liars, 
whose lies are obvious, unentertaining, and reveal a deep black hole 
in the liar's personality.  In other words, lying is not merely 
decaying, it's decomposing and smelling pretty ripe. 

I really have to object to the state of lying today.  I am not 
protesting the existence of lies, mind you.  I agree that it's the 
fundamental function of an artist. It's also a fundamental survival 
skill. It's hard to be alive and avoid doing it.  People who speak 
the truth constantly need to have a black belt or gun on their hip, 
and forget about making any money in this world.

I've written before that I've reduced my dishonesty thanks in part 
to a conscience I suddenly developed and haven't been able to shake.  
But when I lie, I try to be a Beautiful Liar.  I confine my lies to 
stories I write.  In my workings with the non-fantasy world, I try 
to lie intelligently.  If you're going to do it, this the best way 
to lie. 

In your stories, lies have no limits. Not credibility, not the 
physical laws of the universe, nothing.  But when working with real 
people you have to show a little more restraint.  Let's say you're 
going to lie.  Let's say there's a problem at work, and you want to 
disassociate yourself with it, even though it's your fault.  Here's 
some tactics you'd employ as a Beautiful Liar:

1. You keep the lie as simple as possible.  No elaborate song and 
dance, just a quick, plausible tale. 

2. Although you might be telling the lie to shift blame from 
yourself, you don't dump it on to the lap of someone else. Or if you 
do, it's someone who can't be hurt or held accountable ("It's that 
guy who died three years ago, he did it all").

3. If you're particularly clever, you double-bluff.  You appear 
remorseful and ready to fully blame yourself for the problem, so 
someone can come along and console you about how it's not your 
fault.

4. You tell as few lies as possible.  You remember the old saying 
"Nobody has a good enough memory to be a successful liar."

5. You aren't afraid to say "I don't know."  Sometimes, your story 
doesn't have to be detailed down to minutiae (see #1).  Not having 
all the answers actually sometimes increases your credibility.

6. You mix the lie with the truth as much as possible.

7. You leave yourself an out.  You tell bits and pieces of your 
story, enough so that the person you are lying to draws the 
erroneous conclusion.  That way, if you're called on it, you can 
always whine "I never said, you just assumed..."  Or, along the same 
lines, you make what you said look like an innocent mistake.

8. You time and you tone.  You provide the disinformation when 
appropriate, not out of the blue or too late.  You also don't 
overstate or understate what you say.   You know these things cause 
suspicion.

9. Nothing wrong with some minor flaws.  Your lie does not have to 
be perfect.  In fact, if it is, it will look suspicious.  It's okay 
to make minor details sound odd or incomplete.  Most people are 
trusting, and will explain things away themselves.

10. Above all, you remember that sooner or later, you will get 
caught.  Even if you are never caught in the middle of a clear, 
fully exposed lie, if you keep generating lies, you will develop a 
reputation for being dishonest.  You'll just give off that vibe.

This is Beautiful Lying, the former and nearly deceased state of 
lying.  Today I am seeing more and more of the Ugly Lies.  Ugly 
Liars violate the cardinal, bishop and pope rule of lying, which is 
NEVER BELIEVE YOUR OWN LIES.  

This is an easy trap to fall into. In your efforts to sound sincere, 
you might try to turn off the part of the brain that knows you're 
inventing facts.  It's easier to tell a lie if you believe it, but 
it's habit forming and extremely damaging to your personality.

I know some people whose entire lives are built around lies.  Almost 
everything that comes out of their mouths is a lie, or at the very 
least an exaggeration.  They tell these lies even though there are 
no advantages to doing so.  Some people refer to them as "habitual 
liars." They've bought into their own lies so much that they're 
addicted to them.  

Ugly Liars.

Deep down, I think they feel inadequate, maybe even self-loathing.  
But hey, they have an imagination.  The imagination can come up with 
any kind of pleasing idea it likes.  And suddenly, just by saying 
it, it becomes true, and life isn't so bleak after all.  

This is the fundamental characteristic of the Ugly Liar.  They are 
not conscious of their own lies, or they believe something can be 
made true just by saying it.  And because they lie constantly, they 
don't take the time to form subtle or well-rounded lies.  They do 
not use the 10 tactics I mentioned before.  They come up with these 
kinds of lies, which are much less convincing.

1. The Gauntlet Lie: I got this from a Sue Grafton novel.  Her books 
star a private eye named Kinsey Milhone.  Kinsey believes she is not 
a good liar, but compensates for this by making her lies so 
outrageous and obvious the only way to deal with them is either to 
challenge them...or avoid confrontation and let it pass. Thus, the 
lie's success is based on the balls of the person being lied too.

2. The Pre-Emptive Lie: Probably the most obvious lie of all.  This 
is used by particularly bad liars.  They realize at some point they 
will have to lie, so they do so immediately, not having the patience 
or courage to wait for the right moment.  What would you think if 
someone said to you "You know your car?  I'm not the one who stole 
it" before you even realized your car was gone?

3. The Reverse Confession:  One of my personal favourites.  Similar 
to the Pre-Emptive Lie, this is when the Ugly Liar accuses someone 
of something that they're guilty of.  They probably think that if 
they start slinging accusations first, they won't look guilty.  Or 
perhaps the Ugly Liar is devoid of imagination and makes this 
accusation because they are familiar with it and they know it's 
plausible--after all, they do it!  If someone unexpectedly badmouths 
someone, no motivation apparent, count on it being a reverse 
confession.  You can bet that the person who is speaking is guilty 
of the very behaviour they're condemning--"You know Joe Shmoe over 
there?  He was fired from his last job for stealing."

4. The I'm So Cool At Everything I Do Lie: Habitual liars are 
especially guilty of this one.  Everything the liar does is an 
adventure, in which they excel beyond the dreams of the bravest 
explorers, philosophers, and warriors.  The story of how they really 
stood up to this complete asshole who butted in line at the bank, 
how they totally shamed them with some incredible wit, and how the 
bank teller was so amazed at this display of machismo that she 
immediately offered oral sex.  

5. It's Hopeless Anyway:  For some reason, this is the close 
relation of The I'm So Cool at Everything I Do Liar.  Circumstances 
are so against the Ugly Liar that everything was doomed to fail.  
"The boss wanted me to do this, but didn't give me any resources, 
gave me five other equally impossible jobs, the Delta Force and SAS 
were hired specifically to stop me, and I had to do all this while 
submerged in a trunk and wearing a straight jacket." The underlying 
message behind this is that the Ugly Liar couldn't do or never tried 
the task, but won't admit it.  It also feeds their general sense of 
paranoia. Sometimes, this lie is the foundation for I'm So Cool, in 
which the liar then describes how they came back and salvaged 
something against incredible odds. It can also be used to explain 
why the liar is supposedly so successful, but is working at Burger 
Shack.

6. The Self Contained Lie:  This lie is harder to expose, but if it 
is, the liar looks like a Prime Cut Idiot.  The Ugly Liar goes on 
the offensive and creates an entire problem or undesirable 
situation.  They tell this lie to get their mark all revved up and 
worried.   Then they assure the mark "Don't worry, I'll handle it." 
The liar disappears for awhile, and then comes back and says they've 
solved the problem.  Aren't you relieved?  Isn't this guy a big 
help?  Did you notice that you didn't actually see any evidence of 
this supposed problem, except what the liar told you?  That's 
because there never was a problem.  For some laughs, you can make 
the liar shit themselves by getting very angry and demand the liar 
turn over all information, including names, so you can step in and 
handle this problem personally RIGHT NOW.  Watch 'em dance!

7. Bogus Disposition:  This is an indirect way of lying that also 
sends a false message about the liar.  In it, the liar claims to be 
the exact sort of person he isn't. Instead of saying "I did not 
steal that," the liar says "You know me, I'm no thief."  The lie can 
serve two purposes: to deny involvement in a specific incident, or 
to generally put forth an image that is not true to the liar's 
actual character.  Another example: "You know me, I'm the kind of 
guy that admits right away when he's wrong."  This sort of statement 
is made to support why the liar isn't admitting he's wrong.  It 
creates a false background which in theory should be used to support 
the liar's claim now.  We've got a trace of the Gauntlet Lie in here 
too: in order to call this lie you basically have to take up the 
very confrontational method of saying "You never admit you're wrong 
about anything, even when you obviously are."

These seven things are what passes for lying all too often, 
especially from habitual liars.  They are careless, there is no 
thought or skill behind them.  The Beautiful Liar has carefully 
constructed his or her lie.  The Ugly Liar mumbles the first thing 
shit out by their tiny brains, with little thought for consequences.

Sometimes though, even a habitual liar can be convincing.  How do 
you detect lies? For the longest time we've tried to make machines 
that will tell us when someone is lying, but we haven't been very 
successful.  You've heard of the polygraph I imagine.  The machine 
measures people's emotional reaction to answering questions.  It 
really is inaccurate to call them "lie detectors."  They can't 
actually tell you "This person said there are no dead bodies buried 
in his backyard, when in fact there are eight."  All the polygraph 
can tell you is "This person seemed to get upset when answering the 
question about whether there were any bodies in his backyard."

Former FBI agent John Douglas, whose specialty was profiling and 
using psychology to catch, interrogate and prosecute criminals, 
particular serial killers, doesn't put any faith in the polygraph as 
a means of determining truth. He believes that it is possible to 
fool the lie detector if the person believes their actions are 
justified.  Excessive nervousness can give false positives.  
Apparently there are books out there to help you beat lie detectors.  
Perhaps this explains why the results are inadmissible in court.  
Douglas does however, see the polygraph as a good tool for 
interrogation.  

"According to the polygraph, you were very nervous when we asked you 
if there were any dead bodies in your backyard.  Now why might that 
be?  Are you sure there are no bodies there?  Is there something 
else there you don't want us to see?  What would you say if I told 
you I wanted to dig up your backyard?"

Supposedly there's another one now that will detect changes in heat 
around your eyes, which apparently happens a lot when you lie. It 
will probably be not much better than the polygraph--the same 
techniques can beat it. 

But like you have a handy lie-detector around anyway.  Like your 
habitual liar would agree to be strapped to one.  There are other, 
more subtle methods for spotting lies.  The behaviours I've 
mentioned are probably enough to out a good many liars.  If you're 
not sure, there are other techniques.  Here are a few, but keep in 
mind these rules:  

A) When probing, do not sound like you're accusing.  This leads to 
unnecessary confrontation, and puts the liar on the defensive.  If 
you are the one who escalated the situation, bystanders may assume 
the problem is you.  Sound confused, maybe concerned, but courteous. 
There's obviously an explanation for the inconsistencies, which 
is...

B) Don't expose the liar.  Unless it's necessary.  If you stomp on a 
habitual liar, it only makes them better liars. If outright disposal 
of the liar is not an option, pick up on their techniques so you 
will keep recognizing them.

C) If you do want to expose a liar for whatever reason, don't expose 
them on the first lie.  Keep 'em lying, so they build up a nice bank 
of lies you can rip apart whenever they try to regain face.

D) Some of these tactics will produce explicit results, some of 
these tips are quite subtle.  Don't go supersonic with accusations 
just because someone is slightly off.  They might be innocent and 
there could be an honest explanation.  If they succumb to more than 
one of these tactics, or keep exhibiting the same suspicious 
behaviour, then it's safer to draw your conclusion.

And now, on with the tactics of spotting a liar.

1. Ask the same question twice.  Oldest and most obvious trick in 
the book. Did the story change?  Were details added or dropped?  For 
safety's sake, you might want to reword the question, but not so 
much it could be interpreted as a different question all together. 

2. Repeat the lie.  This one is great.  Liars hate being out of 
control of their own creations.  After the liar has laid down their 
story, repeat the story to someone else in front of the liar. Watch 
them sweat. "So, your son tells me he was a Navy SEAL.  You must be 
very proud of him." The other person might call the lie, in which 
case you can act shocked and defer them to the liar, looking totally 
innocent.  Or they might be forced to go along with the lie, not 
wishing to expose the liar.  But they won't be happy or comfortable 
about doing so.  Be warned that this tactic might improve the liar's 
lying patterns, at least around you.

3. Invent some details yourself.  Remember how we discussed that you 
can leave a few holes in your lie, so your mark will explain them 
away?  If you notice a hole in the story, query it, but immediately 
invent a plausible story out loud. Or, if you're really frisky, 
invent whole new facts.  If the story-teller begins implementing 
your details, especially more than one, they probably be lyin'. It's 
true that the speaker might be merely embellishing, but if you 
successfully provide lots of details (or particularly outrageous 
details) the original story is probably a load of lawn fertilizer.

4. Here's an obvious one: when the liar isn't looking, go and verify 
the details.  If you haven't been challenging the liar, they get 
careless and assume you won't check out what they say (Keep in mind 
rule B and C).  Don't stop at just one detail.  Whether you find the 
first thing you investigate is true or false, keep digging.  You'll 
soon see a pattern that will tell you if you're dealing with a 
simple mistake or exaggeration, or a load of bullocks.

5. Discuss the lie with others.  Don't present the story as though 
you are checking its validity.  Mention it in casual conversation to 
someone else the liar may have told the story too.  Many are too 
careless to be sure of telling the same details.  You might have to 
talk to a few people to be sure.

6. Watch how the suspected liar tells the truth.  This is not always 
possible, but if you can swing it, it will help determine the 
behaviour of the liar. If you can, observe them in situations where 
you know what they're saying is the truth, and what is said would 
expose them to potential ridicule or anger.  You'll probably see a 
change in the personality.

7. Watch how the liar tells lies you invented together.  Get the 
liar to tell something you invented together to another party.  
Watch their mannerisms.  You're training yourself to detect their 
lies.

8. Too Much/Not Enough Information:  When lying, it's difficulty 
balancing the information you need to convey.  Too much, it sounds 
laboured, not enough, it sounds suspicious.  The liar is forever 
trying to maintain equilibrium here.  A few questions could tip the 
balance.  For example, some questions merit further comment.  If you 
out of the blue ask "Were you banging my dog at 12:32 AM on February 
12th," and the answer is a simple "No," and it's left at that, 
you're suspicious.  Your question deserves a more passionate 
response.  Like "No, and what the fuck gave you the idea that I 
did?"  The opposite blunder the liar can make is overcompensation.  
If your question was simply "Were you in my backyard last night?" 
and they respond with a lengthy tirade about how you could accuse 
them of such a thing, that they though you trusted them, etc., etc., 
you have to wonder why a simple question merits such a response.

9. Watch for Reversal of Detail: another term I borrowed from law 
enforcement.  When a person is telling a story truthfully, they tend 
to start with the information they are sure of and most familiar 
with first.  Thus, the details of the story come out at the 
beginning, and get more vague as the person goes along. With a liar, 
the opposite is true.  The story is vague at first, then gets more 
detailed as the liar becomes more confident.  This apparently is one 
of the very first things that alerted South Carolina police to the 
deception of Susan Smith, who claimed a black man had hijacked her 
car with her children in the back seat.  In fact, she had rolled the 
car into a lake on her own, drowning them.

10. Withhold Information:  If the liar is denying all knowledge of 
something, start to explain things, but omit certain details.  This 
is the classic murder mystery detective tactic.  "I'm shocked!  Who 
could have stabbed poor Smedley?"  "Miss, I merely said Smedley was 
dead, I didn't say how."  You get the idea.  Be very sure of 
yourself here.  The liar might mindfuck you into thinking you did 
reveal this info.  The liar might also come up with an excuse about 
hearing it elsewhere.

11. The Face-Saving Scenario: This technique can sometimes be used 
to get a liar to admit the lie.  I borrowed it from John Douglas.  
He says that a lot of criminals won't admit their guilt, because of 
that jail thing and the lethal injection and stuff.  Your liar may 
not face such consequences, but they will suffer embarrassment and a 
damaged reputation, so they won't be eager to 'fess up.  Unless you 
described for them a situation in which they had no choice, or were 
under extreme pressure and it's certainly understandable why someone 
might do this, blah blah blah.  Basically, you are pretending to be 
sympathetic.  "Look, I know you're the sort of person who doesn't 
normally do this.  You must have been under a lot of pressure, and 
you probably got a little confused..."  If the liar thinks you're on 
their side and won't punish them, they might admit everything.  The 
unfortunate side effect is that it can provide the liar with a ready 
made excuse.  It also makes you look pretty manipulative too.

How Ugly Liars Behave When Caught

"Hence came their objection to realism. They disliked it on purely 
social grounds." -Oscar Wilde

If you do catch an Ugly Liar cold, pants down, no wiggle room, be 
prepared to hear about what a horrible, terrible person YOU are.

When I was a kid, a friend of mine told me a story of how he was 
watching Porky's, a teen comedy his parents had forbidden him to 
see.  He was down in the basement with the household's second TV, 
while his parents were upstairs on another TV.  

Somehow they guessed what he was up to and called him upstairs.  My 
friend was quite angry with his parents for this lack of trust.  He 
told them, right to their faces, that he was mad at them because 
they didn't trust him. He also said, in all sincerity, that the fact 
that he was doing what they suspected of him was completely 
irrelevant.

I once caught a habitual ugly liar in a particular nasty lie.  
Someone else confronted the liar about it.  Ugly Liar became 
outraged, and suddenly went on about how mean I'd been to the Ugly 
Liar, how I'd had it out for the Ugly Liar for a long time, how the 
Ugly Liar had done so much for me, and this was how I was thanking 
them, blah blah blah.

Like my Porky's-watching friend, the Ugly Liar was furious for me 
not playing along with the illusion.  Never mind that the lie could 
have caused series legal repercussions if it hadn't been detected.  
It's my belief that Ugly Liars are so uncomfortable with themselves 
that they need to tell lies in order to be secure.  It's their 
method of socializing.  When we're in groups, we are uncomfortable 
until we hit upon a common ground of conversation.  I'm convinced 
that sports are so popular because they're a safe topic of 
conversation.

"See the game last night?"
"Yeah, good game."

You can have this conversation with lots of people. There are other 
safe topics of conversation--movies, TV shows, your jobs...the vast 
majority of people have some experience with these things, so they 
can safely talk about them. Talking is a form of intimacy.

And so is lying.  But the Ugly Liar doesn't feel comfortable with 
even these subjects.  What if there's a person in the crowd that 
went to film school and uses terms like "Mis-en-Scene" and talks 
about Francois Truffaut?  The Ugly Liar doesn't want to appear 
foolish.  So, it's much safer to talk about things that are purely 
imaginary.  What's safer than a "fact" you make up yourself?

Well, as we've seen, these lies are quite fragile, and easily 
exposed. But if you expose them, you are denying the Ugly Liar's 
only comfortable form of intimacy.  They consider it a form of 
rejection, that's why they get mad at you.  Lies are their version 
of the handshake, and your exposure of the truth is you snubbing 
them. 

The Consequences of Lying

"Society sooner or later must return to its lost leader, the 
cultured and fascinating liar." -Oscar Wilde

This next bit will sound like it's coming from a nun, so I find it 
necessary to throw in some random cursing to make sure my street 
creed is still maintained.  Tits. Fuck. God damn son of a bitch 
shit.

All right.  There are Beautiful Liars and there are Ugly Liars.  You 
should absolutely avoid being an Ugly Liar, and even a Beautiful 
Liar: ultimately, the person it does the most damage to is you.  
It's not just that it will change how people see you (though it 
surely will), it will change you. It will change your core 
personality deep down in way that is very difficult to fix.

I have known two habitual liars.  Both were the official jokes of 
the circles they haunted.  Both were widely known for their 
ridiculous stories.  It was impossible to hold a normal conversation 
with them.  They were both very self-centered.  Such people are 
difficult to tolerate when they've actually got some 
accomplishments, but what good are self-centred people whose 
credentials are pure manure?  

When they weren't around, we'd joke about them and tell stories.  I 
don't know if these people overheard anything specific, but they 
could probably sense the lack of respect.  So what did they do? They 
tried harder to impress.  The compensated by being over-friendly, 
offering to do everything and anything.  These attempts were 
misguided--who wants to feel like they owe this kind of person?  
This in turn helped add a new kind of lie to their repertoire--their 
availability as the big helper.  This was safe, because they could 
promise the world, but nobody would make them deliver.  Nobody 
wanted to be around them to try and make them. 

And of course, to win over people they increased their lies, 
declaring more wonderful and exciting achievements. And still more 
friendliness.  This made them ever more annoying...more of this is 
exactly what is not needed.  Then they were confused and hurt when 
it still didn't work.  I've heard habitual liars voice their genuine 
loneliness and confusion over why nobody respects them.  They don't 
understand that they've based their entire personality around 
phoniness.  Who wants to be associated with this kind of person?  
Deep down there is an emptiness, a complete lack of substance.  But 
their entire social interaction is based on that.

Another consequence of lying is that you start to think like a liar.  
Maybe you get extreme to the point of a habitual liar, where you 
fill all silences and your turns to speak with lies because you 
don't feel comfortable with anything else.  But more likely you get 
suspicious first.  All the world is full of liars to a liar.  This 
is the ultimate consequence of lying: you lose all sense of reality.  
Since you're aware that you lie like a tobacco company's latest 
health study, you are constantly worried others are lying to you.  
Or lying to others about you. By the same token, nobody is more 
afraid of being robbed than a thief. Not surprisingly, the habitual 
liars I've known have been incredibly paranoid.  One of them just 
had to know the contents of every conversation he wasn't party to.  
What was said?  Did you talk about me?   

Even if you still remain self-aware and in control of your lies, you 
will still be altered.  As I mentioned before, even without getting 
caught, you'll develop a reputation for being shady.  People will 
notice how nothing ever seems to be your fault, how you said 
something would be done but something always comes up, how you've 
always got an answer for everything.  You'll probably get the liar 
paranoia I mentioned above.  Or you'll develop a truth-wariness.  
Every time you need to open your mouth, you'll wonder "What should I 
say?  Should I be honest? Have I said anything previously that 
honesty would now jeopardize?  Would being honest now prevent lying 
later?"  On and on.  

Conclusion

So that's why you should be honest--it's for your own sanity.  Think 
of it this way--the woman who continually fakes orgasms may never 
get a real one.  Her lover is fooled, why make any change in 
technique if she's supposedly satisfied?  And for men, believe me, 
an orgasmic partner will make you very glad you made the effort.  
There, the implication here is that telling the truth might get you 
better sex.  If that doesn't motivate, I just give up.

Incidentally, having read this document, you might think you're in a 
better position to lie to me.  I should now inform you that I have 
held back some key techniques and tips for my own safety.

Or am I bluffing?

I would like to think John Douglas, Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro, Sue 
Grafton and Jeff Coleman for their thoughts and contributions to 
this article.  An extra special thanks to the two habitual liars who 
unwittingly provided me with the bulk of my research.  You guys, 
unfortunately for you both, probably don't know who you are.

---
Jason MacIsaac swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, and 
nothing but the truth, so help him dog.

-------------------------------------------

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ZimID 708EC8D1  1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32  7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
