Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume IV, Issue 2, AD MCMXCIX
Monday, January 26th, 1999
ISSN 1482-0471
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"I love bathrooms more than anyone else... except maybe George 
Michael"
  -- IMPROV

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SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF THE WEB :-)

Still trying to find those humorous websites? Stop looking, and start 
relying on THE MOUTHPIECE to find you some of the funniest sites on 
the Net. Each weekday we take you on a brief Web journey through sites 
ranging from the mildly amusing to the hilarious.

For a FREE subscription, send mail to mouthcap@be-ahead.com
with the words "subscribe mouthpiece" in the SUBJECT header.

-------------------------------------------

This woman today brought 8 buggies filled with groceries.  When I 
asked her why she needed so much food, she said, "I want to be ready 
for the war."
I said, "what war?"  Maybe she knows something I don't, who knows?
"The war that will start with the Y2K!"
Oddly she had bought only one pack of toilet paper.

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1.  Editorial
2.  Public Washrooms
3.  Gretchen's Rhapsody
4.  Random tales from the Restrooms
5.  Restroom Etiquette
6.  Prince of Egypt
7.  The Golden Globes (and who's going to Hell follow-up)

-------------------------------------------

This week's Golden Testicle awards:

We're open six days a week, 28 hours a day.

http://www.kaplan.com/cellar/28hours.html

For Those that Love Cows a Bit Too Much

http://www.semenclub.com


Submitted by Otis Jones
-------------------------------------------

1. Editorial
By CoN Staff

ISSUE 2 ALREADY pollutes our minds and stands as a milepost of time 
flying by us.  Just a few more days and we'll be already in February 
wondering where the days went.

Welcome to yet another issue of CoN.  This issue is substantially 
long, and dedicated to washrooms and the like.  We pray you will be 
pleased by it.

Our first e-mail arrives from Paul Cobbs:

> Okay, how's this (remember, I'm an engineer and not a writer
> for a REASON)?
>
> You know, I've been wondering.  The good folks at Capital of
> Nasty are always carping on us to contribute, or just send
> email with our reactions to their publication.  And do we?  No.
> Why not?  Why is it always take, take, take?  Why can't we ever
> give?  My guess is that nobody bothers to read the stuff.  We all
> just get the issue and throw it in the trash.  Why don't we
> unsubscribe?  I guess we just like throwing unread mail in our
> trash cans.
> Maybe it's some sort of a wicked pleasure.  We think to ourselves, 
> "Heh, they want me to read this, but I'm not GOING to.  I'll show
> them."  Man, if that's our attitude, it must suck to be the
> contributors and editors.  Maybe someday I'll actually read one of
> these things, and then maybe I'll have something to say and I can
> contribute.  That would sure suprise them.  I can hear it now:
> "What! a reader that actually READS this stuff?"

I THANK those that don't read CoN and don't bother unsubscribing, for 
protecting my fragile ego with these high numbers.

Motie2 was devastated:

> NO AWARD THIS WEEK? I'M DEVASTATED.

Unfortunately, I only noticed I had missed a testicle after the issue 
was sent.  I guess it is useless to go through it a few times, if when 
I send it out, it contains more errors than before.

And lastly, I'll leave you with a tale from Garrett Winters, who not 
only has a Y2K compatible car, but also brought some shine to my life 
by telling me that he read "The Last Dinosaur".

> Greetings
> long time reader first time responder ( usually because it is 
> sometimes a few weeks after publication that I get to read, so that
> is why I probably didn't respond to the survey) and I thought I
> would at least get your readership into double figures :)
> The thing that gets me writing is the above piece about the size of
> WA in Australia, which though I never did see first hand I did get
> a feel of what it must be like after a trip up the center of Oz from 
> Melbourne about 13 years ago. Myself and two mates ( all around 18
> or 19) decided to drive from Melbourne to Adelaide, Alice Springs
> ( including Ayers Rock), Darwin ( with a trip to Kakadu the
> rainforest) then back down and across to Queensland before heading
> south and home. 
> In total I think we drove 14000 km in 7 full days of driving
> ( spread out over about 18 days) and it was the most desolate place
> I have ever seen. Imagine Ayers Rock sitting out in the middle of
> nothing, around 300 km from the nearest town ( Alice springs) with
> a hotel nearby and nothing else. It is also true about waving at
> passing cars as they are a rarity and you are thankful to see a sign
> of life. The wildlife is unreal with kangaroos, owls, cows and horses
> all seeking the warmth of the tarmac at night with often fatal results,
> we came over a rise near Darwin to find a dead 'roo in the middle of
> the road which was unavoidable and nearly ripped the muffler off the
> car ( which was heavily overweighed as we brought everything bar the
> kitchen sink).
> I will always remember it ( including our unfortunate detention in 
> Queensland but that is another story entirely) but doubt I would do
> it again unless I was well funded and comfortable doing it, A
> converted double decker bus would be ideal.
> Keep up the good work on CoN as it usually has something I enjoy
> to read, I was also one of the few who read through all of "The
> last Dinosaur" ( or what ever it was called) and enjoyed it thoroughly
> and hope to see the movie someday. I wouldn't mind something like that 
> maybe once a year.


Our next issue of CoN will deal with Phylosophy.  Until then, enjoy 
this issue which, just for the record, is almost as long as "The Last 
Dinosaur".

-------------------------------------------

2.  Public Washrooms.
By IMPROV

I've always had an aversion to bathroom humour, not excessive 
swearing... but jokes that appeal to the lowest common denominator... 
you know: farting... unnatural body secretions... shit... piss... 
menstrual flow (my apologies to YM Magazine, but.. [I think it's 
called] "say anything" is the furthest thing from entertainment I've 
ever encountered)... snot... and so on and so forth.

But I guess this whole issue is bathroom humour... assuming there are 
some strange people who find this humorous.

I'm sure that the other articles will talk about doing weird things in 
the wonderful public porcelain world, everything from merely using 
them to  fornicating in them will no doubt be covered.  And 
inevitably, the subject of the uncleanness of them will be examined 
closely... but I will give you a truly in depth look into this deep 
realm... for I was once a maintenance worker... Yes I was a JANITOR!!!  
(insert horn fan fare:"Buhmp Buhmp Buh Benhhhh" )  

I cleaned public washrooms in a mall for almost four years.  And did I 
ever learn to respect and appreciate many things.  But more 
importantly I learned to hate every single person on this God forsaken 
shit hole we call earth!!

We'll start with the men's room: (if memory serves me right) 4 
urinals, 3 stalls, and 4 sinks.  Thank whatever-you-may-be-praising-
at-time-of-publication for air dryers!

By the way those guys who take the time to scratch off every other 
word on the air dryer so it reads: Shake it, rub knob gently... are 
really really funny! Although if you need instructions to operate a 
hand dryer, you might want to empty your drool cup first.

Back to the cleaning... we used this foaming cleaner called `Kilbac'.  
Whenever you applied to a surface it would foam up, you'd leave it for 
a minute and then wipe it clean.  The more bacteria, the more it 
foamed.  Let's just say when I covered those toilet seats, it looked 
like I could cross country ski across the room.  But over all, the 
men's room wasn't that bad... compared to the women's washroom, it was 
paradise!

Women call us pigs... us being men of course... they call us dogs... 
the dogs I can understand because there are a few men who do sleep 
around much like dogs.  BUT the whole pig thing annoys me.  Gentlemen, 
the next time your significant other, sister, mother or female 
companion calls you a pig... take them to the nearest mall or even a 
bar, and make them spend some quality time in that filth they call a 
restroom.  My god it's disgusting.  

I now know why women go to the washroom in pairs, it's so one of them 
can defecate on the floor, while the other stands guard.  It's no fun 
being a vandal all by yourself, don't ya know? 

I won't even go into detail what I've seen... okay just a little... 
shit on the seats, shit under the seats... shit on the wall, and I'm
not talkin' a little dab, I'm talking some freak wiped their ass on
the tiled wall!!  
Now maybe on some web site out there that's a big hit but not to this 
guy... And of course feminine protection thrown, left and stuck to 
many places that clearly had no menstrual cycle.  I don't think a 
mirror has its period... but someone else had one and thought the 
mirror was missing out.

So please ladies, next time you're in a public washroom don't do 
anything rash... no matter how much you hate men... oh yeah, and guys 
lift the freakin' seat.

-------------------------------------------

3. Gretchen's Rhapsody
   (Random Reminisces of Gretchen's Gourmet Grille)
By Jason MacIsaac

Gretchen had a box for comment cards.  You know the drill.  Did you 
get efficient service?  Was your food nice and hot?  Was your food 
nice and hot even though you ordered ice cream?  Did the server have 
sex with your spouse in the washroom?  How was it?

I know what you're thinking.  Nobody ever filled them out, right?  
Wrong. Lots of people filled them out, and the majority of them even 
had useful criticism on them.  Because of this, we stopped putting 
them on tables.

When we did have them though, I used to write them out and stuff them 
into the comments box.  Instead of any commentary about the restaurant 
though, I would talk about how I really enjoyed the poems of W.B. 
Yeats and compare them to Tennyson (once my friend who was an engineer 
put a complex math formula on one).  Sometimes I would just write pure 
psychedelia.  Stuff like "The Pink Aardvark tells me stories.  I like 
the Pink Aardvark.  The Green Elf pinches my toes.  I don't like the 
green elf."  I rarely signed these things.  I didn't have to.  One of 
the managers once came up to me and asked "Jason, why do you waste 
time by writing these things?"  To which I said defensively "Good 
literature is never a waste of time! Savages."  

Once, I wrote an entire song, but not on a comment card.  A little 
background:

Being a diner, Gretchen's had a jukebox.  One of the songs on this 
jukebox was Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.  I used to like that song.  
Naturally, working their night after night, you heard a lot of songs 
on the jukebox over and over again.  Servers would groan when they 
realized a song they liked was on the jukebox, because by the end of 
the shift they would hate it, having heard it 2000 times.

But there was an additional complex.  Bohemian Rhapsody was added to 
the jukebox in 1992.  

Shortly after the movie Wayne's World came out.

Oh yeah.

Every bloody teenbopper in the place just had to recreate the scene in 
the movie where Wayne and his pals head bang along to that song.  
By the way, I have notarised court documents that prove that I was 
listening to Queen in 1984, the year Highlander came out (Ah, Who 
Wants to Live Forever, One Year of Love).  So those albums in my music 
collection are from a band wagon I jumped onto long ago, all right?
I digress.
One night, after hearing that song for the 6 billionth time, I 
snapped, and I wrote my own version of the lyrics.  I typed it up on 
my handy Atari 520 ST (oh Atari, where did we go so wrong?) and put it 
in the comments box. It was discovered later that night, after the 
restaurant was closed.  The staff read it, then went over to the 
jukebox, selected Bohemian Rhapsody, and began to sing along to my 
lyrics.
Here they are.

Gretchen's Rhapsody
Sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Freddy Mercury.  Copyright 
1975 by whoever owns the rights to Queen songs now (it ain't me).

Is it close yet?
No it's just 7:30
Caught in a cheap section
No 15% for me
Open your wallets
Get out some cash and tip me...
Tip me.
I'm just a poor server (poor server)
I get no sympathy
But I am overworked, underpaid
Overtired, underfed
I don't care if there's a moth in your salad,
It doesn't really matter to me
To me.
Sandy,
Just killed a customer,
Put a gun against his head,
Pulled the trigger now he's dead
Sandy
My shift had just begun,
But already I've gone and blown someone away
Sandy
Didn't mean to piss you off,
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,
I'll be in bed, be in bed,
Because sleep really matters...
It was real late
We were almost closed
Sat a table of fifteen
In my section that was clean
Piss off everybody
My section's closed.
Gotta leave you losers behind and get some sleep
Sandy, ooo-ooo
I don't wanna work
Sometimes wish I'd never been started at all
(Passionate yet morose guitar solo)
I see a little rugrat in Chicago Bulls'  hat
Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the Fandango?
THE FOUNTAINEER WON'T LISTEN AND THE BUSSER'S DISAPPEARED!
Gallileo, Gallileo,
Gallileo, Gallileo
Gallileo figaro
 Magnifico!-
I'm just a poor server, nobody tips me
He's just a poor server with a cheap section
Spare him his sanity, cut him, be free!
Easy come easy go, will you kids go home
Fuck you!  Will not go home (Go home!)
Fuck you!  Will not go home (Go home!)
Fuck you!  Will not go home (Go home!)
Fuck you!  Will not go home (Go home!)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no 
Mama mia mama mia, mama mia go home 
Table 120 left a five cent tip for me, for me, FOR ME 
(Head bashin' guitar solo)
So you think you can sit in my section
And spit in my eye?
So you think you can order nothing
But Pepsi and french fries?
Whoaaa mallrat
Can't do this to me mallrat
Why don't you get out, why don't you get out
Why don't you get the fuck out of here?
Nothing really matters,
The only exception I can see
My paycheque really matters,
My paycheque really matters
To me.
Anyway the wind blows...

-------------------------------------------

4.  Random tales from the Restrooms
by Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro

I think my fascination for public washrooms started one night when we 
were all eating at Gretchen's Gourmet Grille.  I didn't know Jason 
then, but who knows, maybe he was the guy who served us and spit in my 
food when I answered, "Yes," to his "fries or salad with that?"  He 
must've thought, "What a funny guy!" as he aimed at the coke I 
ordered.

Being a good little boy, before eating, I went to wash my hands in 
Gretchen's washroom.  Now, washrooms are like a woman's new hair-do.  
Your girlfriend just spent 5 hours at the hairdresser's, got some 
fancy hair-style, curls, a cut and the rest, and comes back home, but 
doesn't say anything.  She expects you to notice and gets mad if you 
don't.  It's like a clean washroom.  You enter, you use it, and you 
leave.  You don't notice it's clean.  You expect it to look clean, 
much like your girlfriend's hair: it looks good.  So, if it looks 
good, you don't sit there and examine it.  Nothing particularly 
outrageous was able to strike me in that limited nanosecond I glanced 
at her and acknowledged her presence, much like a clean washroom.

But Gretechen's washrooms were not just dirty.  They were beyond the 
definition of "incredibly filthy".  The walls might've been painted at 
one time, but they were a heterogeneous shade of gray.  The sinks had 
adopted their own livery from a faded creamy white to streaks of 
yellow-reddish rust.  The faucets had lost their chrome, and the less 
said about the urinals, the better.  I'll just say that Gretchen's 
toilets probably didn't even know what Javex was.

It's a shame that the English language, for as beautiful as is, lacks 
some colourful definitions I have learned over-seas, in Rome to be 
exact.  You see, in Roman dialect, there are two definitions for 
washroom.  One is BAGNO.  Literally it means "bath".  It is usually 
used for washrooms which follow a certain standard of hygiene and are 
usable without the risk of getting fifteen randomly placed diseases, 
just because you touched the tap.  The other definition is CESSO 
(pronounced something like "CHESS-OH!").  Cesso too stands for 
"bathroom", but it is used to warn a user about to use the facilities, 
from one that has just arrived from them, in what state they are.  
When you are informed that "It's a CESSO", you know it's not going to 
be pretty.

I think that if I had ever needed a standard for which to judge all 
CESSOs I had finally found one.  Not even the toilet in Trainspotting 
looked this bad.
 
The worse part is that the two people in front of me who finished 
relieving themselves of their bladder expansion, just went out without 
washing their hands.  I sat there looking at the door.  It's amazing--
and it's not just Gretchen's--how you have to push a washroom's door 
to get in, which you can do, say, with your foot.  But you have to 
pull on the handle, the same handle touched by zillions of guys who 
didn't wash their hands, to get out.

At this point you can either look for some toilet paper to help you in 
the difficult task or, since usually there is never toilet paper in 
places such as this, to wait patiently for someone to come in.

Not too long ago it was my friend, our respective girlfriends, and me, 
all sitting at this restaurant after watching some movie.  My friend's 
girlfriend looked at mine and said, "I'm going to the washroom, want 
to come with me?" and off they went.  They didn't reappear but 20 
minutes later giggling together like old friends (they had known each 
other less than 3 hours, if you count the time spent in the movie 
theatre).

What the hell did they do in that washroom? Women seem to use 
restrooms as social lounges.  Men in a restroom will never speak a 
word to each other. "Dan, I'm going to the washroom to take a leak.  
Interested in joining me?" will never happen.  I go and I come back in 
the span of maybe 5 minutes.  We go in, pull the zipper down, stare 
straight ahead, observing with minuscule and painful detail all the 
grooves that hold those tiny little tiles against the walls, pull the 
zipper back up, ouch, leave.

In school washrooms were lotsa fun.  Beside a large variety of phone 
numbers I could collect of easy girls, it seemed much like some 
propaganda room during the second world war: this gang will kick that 
gang's ass, so and so is a clown, comments on professors, or that the 
washroom belonged to the Beanery Gang.  What gang in their right mind 
would want a school washroom as part of their territory?  And of 
course, how can we forget all the drawings of naked women in the 
stall's walls?  Actually, drawing refers to something remotely 
artistic.  Sometimes it took a good five minutes to figure out that 
the scribble in front of me was that of a headless woman, with no feet 
or hands, but a giant vagina and breasts.  Whatever turns you on, I 
guess.

But the thing that really got to me was the hand-written scribble 
above the urinal: "Don't look here, the joke is in your hand".  And 
since this funny clown didn't want to give a chance to anyone, he 
wrote it on every urinal and every toilet of every washroom of every 
floor.  I wonder if his bladder exploded after a while...

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5.   Restroom Etiquette
submitted by Carl Ma a long long time ago.

Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
There IS a code of Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.
   ===============================================
 
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."
 
(Sample):
 
|   |   | x |   |   | x |     (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |     are occupied.)
-------------------------
 
You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which 
stall you are to stand.  Good luck!
 
--------------------
   Easy Section
--------------------
1.)

|   | x |   | x |   |   |     (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Correct answer: 6
It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.

===============================================
2.)

| x |   |   |   |   |   |    (Urinal 1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice:  ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Correct answer: 6
Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to 
someone who arrives later.

===============================================
-------------------------
Kind of tricky Section:
-------------------------
3.)
 
|   |   |   |   |   |   |   (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
--------------------------

Your choice:  __
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Correct answer:  1 or 6
You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."

===============================================
4.)

|   | x |   | x |   | x |       (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice:  ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Correct answer:  1
You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the 
impact and get a wall on your left.  NEVER go between TWO guys if you 
can help it.  Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd 
thunders in.

===============================================
-----------------------------------------------
Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
-----------------------------------------------
5.)

|   | x |   |   | x | x |          (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice:  __
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Correct answer:  4
Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2.  And 
we wouldn't want THAT now, would we?
 
This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances 
cannot be explained.  Suffice to say, only we men would understand!

===============================================
-----------------------------
VERY tricky indeed Section
-----------------------------
6.)

| x | x |   |   | x | x |          (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice:  ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Correct answer:  NONE!
You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie 
until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL 
BAD, for god's sake! ... use a doored stall.

===============================================
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it 
terse and unemotional.  This ain't no clubhouse.
-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone 
other than yourself.  A touch of another's elbow is of the highest 
offence.
-- NO Singing.  Period.
-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgement only..."Yeah, I see you 
there.  I will not look again".

-------------------------------------------

6.  Prince of Egypt
by Jason MacIsaac and Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro

So the movie starts.  I think.  It's hard to say at this point in 
time, as I think the movie started twice halfway, but maybe it's just 
me who got confused.  Or was that Moses' dream?  Isn't it amazing 
though? I mean, these guys didn't need the horoscope on the paper to 
figure out their day.  They just passed out in some room that had some 
significance and BOOM, there lies the truth.  I wonder why I keep 
dreaming of naked Chipmunks.

Yeah, and at one point the artwork attacked Moses.  After awhile, it 
began attacking me and Leandro.  But after we threatened them with 
movie nachos, they ran away.
The President of the American Dental Association gave the artwork a 
stern talking to, and then advised us both to invest in oil stocks.  
Then he grew wings and flew away.  If I had any money, I would have 
taken his advice.  Now that I think about it, it's quite weird that he 
flew away?  I mean, he would have had to use the theatre doors anyway, 
so why didn't he just walk?

I guess the movie was trying to find it's last grip on the kids in the 
theatre.  Cute looking camels, anally sodomized goats and the rest, it 
all looked as if it was some loveable cuddlable child movie.  But 
there were no kids anywhere to be seen (I didn't hear anyone cry) and 
the rest of us were sitting there, with a look on our faces that 
spelled "I am not doing that stuff again".  No.  I think that was 
before that.  I think I thought "I can't believe it I spent .. shit, 
how much did I spend?  I don't remember. Well, half of usual than I 
would spend, since today is Poverty Tuesday."

It is astonishing to see how Moses realizes he's not Egyptian.  One 
look in the mirror could've done it for me.  But apparentely, no 
matter how much curly hair he has on his face, how little he resembles 
his parents, or perhaps even the fact that he is the only kid not 
wearing any make up or with the typical Egyptian style hair-do, it 
takes some vagabond strange woman on the street to point it out to 
him.  Talk about brilliance.

I remember quite clearly that Jeff Goldblum was in this movie, but 
didn't get eaten by a velicoraptor.  I consider this to be a failing 
of the movie.  In fact, I think all movies that don't show Jeff 
Goldblum getting eaten by dinosaurs have failings.

The Powers of God are shown through this entire movie.  Some girl 
dressed in blue, with a look in her eyes that could mean trouble for 
anyone's happy sacks, quickly appears and disappears in the movie, 
though nobody is sure why she's there.  Everyone is laughing.  My head 
is hardly able to keep track of the frames.  I knew though that the 
girl would hold some significant part in Moses' life, but it occurred 
to me only later, when the movie was over.  Somehow though, they think 
it's good to abuse a girl and attempt to have sex with her, as it will 
ensure you, later on in life, a cool bath and of course, sex.

Special mention must go to the songs.  The Pharaoh's advisers do a 
song called "You're Playing With the Big Boys Now" in celebration of 
the Egyptian Gods.  Exorcist star Linda Blair tap-dances to "Lullaby 
of Broadway."  At one point, lots of children begin singing in Hebrew.  
A goat begins reciting the opening act of Richard the Third while a 
man slaps himself with a sea bass.  I may have imagined some of this, 
but I can't remember which parts.

The Pharaoh had three advisers, with the voices of Steve Martin, 
Martin Short, and Edward Melnish.  It is strange they were able to do 
this, because I just made that last name up.

"So" he says "you are like, you know, God?" and the burning bush--or 
something--starts having a major fit over Moses.  Jesus Christ, relax!  
Okay, so you are God, but don't you think someone would be a little 
sceptical if a burning bush started talking to them and making wave 
effects on the sand?  I would.  Then again, I'd probably think I'm 
making it up, like, I am not really here watching this.

At one point Leandro melted into the screen.  Exodus, Chapter 3, verse 
6-10, I think.

"BEHOLD...the power of God..."

Moses raises the staff while the crowd watches in mystified silence.  
Suddenly, Moses slams a clip in the staff, and starts gunning 
everybody down.

And then they parted the Red Sea.  Big deal.  I did that on my way 
over here.  Twice.  And I didn't even have a staff.  Honest.

They took a few liberties with the story.  I don't recall the bible 
making any mention of the Teletubbies.

When the movie ended, the penguin told us to (I did mention the 
penguin before, didn't I) watch our step as we left the theatre.  
Apparently they had a problem with people accidentally walking up the 
walls.  The penguin said he hated that, because it was a real bitch 
cleaning the footprints off the ceiling.

Editor's Note:  Capital of Nasty does not endorse the sale, purchase 
or consumption of narcotics while your parents and the police are 
watching.

-------------------------------------------

7.  The Golden Globes (and who's going to Hell follow-up)
by Jeff Wright

Well, I don't watch much tv so I won't comment on any of the tv 
awards.  How's that?

The Good  (this is not a comment following the rhetorical question 
above, it is a heading)

-Jack Nicholson's drunken stupor:

How damn funny was it to watch a drunk Jack react to the clips 
from his films?  
The best was watching him make scary faces during the Shining 
clip.  
Plus, his speech with misused words, and goofy faces was a riot.
Probably the highlight of the show.

(Before we go onto the next one, who else thinks Tom Hanks was tanked 
too?)

-Sean Connery announcing the last award of the night.

Does it get much sweeter?  
A perfect closer.  They should have Connery present every award 
at a show one year.  

-Angelina Joli.

I spoke to soon above.  It does get much sweeter, in the form of 
Miss Joli.  
Who didn't get that "YES!  She can still be mine!" feeling when 
she said that the guy she was hugging and kissing was her brother?  
WHO?  Except maybe guys who are a bit smarter than me and know to be 
afraid of John Voight.

-Hearing Philip Glass speak.

Nuff said.

The Bad (Heading #2)

-Antonio being robbed for Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy.

I haven't seen Zorro, but Antonio RULES!!!!!!!!!!
(hehehe)

-Lack (or shortage) of nominations for Happiness, Your Friends And 
Neighbors, and American History X.

Three of the best films of the year almost completely snuffed 
other than Happiness' screenplay nomination.  
Ed Norton better not be forgotten at the Oscars cuz he deserves 
that Best Actor statue.
And where was Jason Patric's nomination?  Ah, forget it I could 
go on and on about what deserves nominations from these films, so I 
won't.

-Jim Carrey winning Best Actor in a Drama.

I haven't seen Gods And Monsters yet, but I'm going to today.  
From what I've heard Ian McKellan was a shoo in, but then again Ed 
Norton wasn't nominated.
I would have preferred any one of the other actors to have won.  
Carrey's performance is good, but that's it.  It's nowhere close to 
award worthiness (so it's not a word, sue me).

-Ed Harris winning Best Supporting Actor in a Drama, and connected, 
Billy Bob Thornton being robbed of that very same award.

	BBT is absolutely fantastic in A Simple Plan and to not give him 
the award is just plain stupid.  Especially by giving it to Ed Harris 
who is in the same boat as Carrey as far as how good his performance 
was.

THE END OF GOLDEN GLOBES PIECE

START OF WHO'S GOING TO HELL PIECE

	Hey y'all.  Not many of you responded to my little 
questionnaire.  But those of you who did (save one person) are going 
to be fine just as long as you continue your streaks of not killing, 
raping, or diddling any kids.  Congratulations!!!

	Now onto the one reader of CoN who's going to Hell.  

Mr. Stiff.

	Sadly you are going to Hell when you die.
	
	Here are Mr. Stiff's answers followed by my responses to 
them(parts of my replies may not make sense since some of them contain 
or are based on personal knowledge of Mr. Stiff.  For that I 
appologize):

1.  i fucked your mom, so i guess that makes me hetrosexual.  well it 
probably makes me the term the use for people who fuck animals, beasty 
whatever

Well isn't that pleasant?  If this is your attempt at getting 
back at me for whatever I did to your mother, then I'm sorry.  To tell 
you the truth, I don't even remember it; it was so long ago.  
If you would like for us to meet somewhere and discuss this, 
then by all means call me.  It's on your mom's speed dial.
As far as my mother being an animal, well that's just not nice.  
I let my mother read your e-mail and she's told me that she had sex 
with you once.  I was upset, but she assured me that because of this 
message, you and her are over.  She also made some comment about small 
genitals, as I was leaving (I didn't catch it though).
  
2. white, the way it should be.

White?  Yes, but I was asking what racial background you have.  
White is not a race.  Since I know you Mr. Stiff, you and I both know 
that you're of Jewish decent.  
No this isn't why you're going to Hell.  Your racist statement 
of "the way it should be" though did get you a couple of going to Hell 
points.    

3. i killed you brothers and sisters.  now  for the rest of your 
family.     and i rapped your sister, but  hell, we all know she 
deserved it.    well that's what your dad told  me. 

	I have no brothers, only a sister.  Therefore I think you may 
have confused my family with yours (not sure if your brother is a 
brother or a sister).  Raping your brother isn't really something you 
should be proud of, nor should you out your father by telling the 
world that he's done the same.
	Oh, just so you know.  Having sex with your brother is what's 
sending you to Hell.  That and that other thing.  You know what I'm 
talking about.

-------------------------------------------

CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org.

"Who said the world of ezines wasn't interesting? Heck, we might just 
come out of this with our sanity yet."

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome

http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost
electronically.


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Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro          Colin Barrett
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ZimID 708EC8D1  1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32  7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
