Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume I, Issue XIV, Year MCMXCVI AD
Tuesday, September 24th, 1996
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1.      Gard's laws on love
2.      DUMPED: A survival guide.
3.      10 Things That Never Happen on Star Trek
4.      Hurry Burry, spoils the curry.

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1.      Gard's laws on love

...or things that make you go... Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!

By Gard Eggesbo Abrahamsen

1. If you meet a woman, and you like her, then she... 
   Has a boyfriend
   Is lesbian
   Has many friends she prefers to you
   Doesn't notice you're there 

2. If a girl likes you, then you won't know before she
   has lost her interest in you and it is impossible
   to get her back.

3. If you meet a girl who likes you, and you like her,
   and she doesn't have a boyfriend, then she will have
   one within the week, and it isn't you.

4. The only way to win a girl is to take her love for
   granted (if you keep questioning it, she'll get tired
   of you).

5. If you take love for granted, everything will just
   go to hell.

6. If you don't have a girlfriend, there's always someone
   to remind you about it.

7. If you know a girl, date her, etc. etc. and in the
   end tell her that you love her, you won't hear
   from her again for the rest of your life.

8. About who picks you up: 
   If you're heterosexual, then homosexuals will try
   to pick you up.
   If you're homosexual, then heterosexuals will try
   to pick you up.
   If you're bi-sexual, then noone will try to pick you up.

9. If you have a friend who knows a girl who is desperately
   looking for a boy, he'll splice her with someone else.

10.About finding love: 
   If you hope that you have found love, you'll get very
   disappointed.
   If you think that you have found love, you're wrong.
   If you know that you have found love, you have been
   misinformed.
   If you have found love, you won't know about it before
   it is lost.

11.There's always someone who is happy for his/her entire
   life, and it isn't you.

12.If you both love something, she'll hate it next week.

13.About winning/losing:
   If you don't have anything to lose, you won't win.
   If you have something to lose, you'll lose it.
   If you don't have anything to win, you'll win so that
   you can lose more.

14.If she's having a good time, it's not because of you.

15.If she's having a bad time, it is because of you.

16.About dating: 
        If she didn't say anything, she'll bring her
   boyfriend she never told you about.
        If she arrives with her girlfriend, it's because
   she wants some kind of protection, not to put the two
   of you together.
        If she comes alone, it's because she looks at
   you as a friend, and there isn't a chance in the world
   you'll ever be more than a friend.

http://www.hials.no/~ga/love/laws.html
By Gard Eggesbo Abrahamsen,
with the exception of a few rules by Kai Trygve Holst

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2.      DUMPED: A survival guide.

        You thought it was love. The real thing. Perhaps
the two of you shared the same feelings, but you don't
now, and you've just been dumped. You feel as though
you've been dropped into a cold dark hole.  Alone.
Life is no longer fun. No one can understand your
pain.  No one.

        You're wrong.

        We've all been there.  It's a given of
relationships.  Not all of them are going to have a fairy
tale ending.

        There will be pain.  That's a given, too.

        How soon the pain subsides is dependent on each
of us. Mourning for a lost love relationship is natural,
normal and healthy.  Any loss requires a period of grieving.
How long and in what manner a person mourns is also dependent
upon each of us. Some people appear to move almost effortlessly
through a breakup while others take an excrutiatingly long
time to get their lives back on track.  Length of recovery
time is not an indicator of how much we cared.

        Wallowing in self-pity and recriminations about
the breakup should not become an olympic event.  Allow
yourself some time to reflect upon the relationship,
then stop speculating about what you could have done
to keep the relationship together.
Some relationships just won't work.

        Keeping the eternal flame burning that he or she
will return?  Depends upon the nature of the breakup and
that person's previous history.  If phone calls are brief
and impersonal or messages not returned, take the hint.
Give them space.  If they want to get back into your life,
they'll make a move. At that point, you will have the
option of responding. Perhaps by that time you'll have
new interests and won't be interested in renewing the
relationship.  It could happen.

        Saying mean and nasty things about your ex-lover
to friends and family is a silly thing to do in addition
to being unworthy of you.  Should you and he (or she)
reconcile at some future date, you'll have discredited
yourself badly.  Keep your worst thoughts to yourself.
You never know when a new and interesting person will
be nearby.

        Getting dumped allows you a chance to take a fresh
look at your life.  It gives you a chance to get in touch
with your feelings.  It provides time for introspection.
It teaches about freedom.  Are you, for the first time in
your life, making decisions without explaining the reasons
to anyone?  This is a freedom so few people take the time
to appreciate.

        Is this your first failed relationship or do you
have a history of failures?  What is different about this
one than the last and the one before that?  You should
be able to draw parallels, see patterns.  Does each
relationship have the same blueprint?  Are your choices
setting you up for heartache?  If you can see the
patterns, you can learn and make changes so that future
relationships stand more of a chance of survival.

        Don't run headlong into another relationship.  It
will be too easy to think tender words and soft reassurances
are more than what they are meant to be.  You're aching
for someone to show kindness, validate your worth, give
you a hug. Rebound love can occur quickly and be disastrous
in the long run. You'll be exchanging one heartache for
another, and hurting someone else in the process.  Take
your time. No matter how difficult it seems.  Slow down.
Stop.  Observe. Not every couple you see is happy to be
with each other.  While you're envying their couplehood
one or the both of them may be envying your single status.
There are much worse things than being single.  One is
being part of an unhappy couple.

        Try to avoid those things you did as a couple that
will trigger memories. We all have special songs, special
places we've visited as a couple.  Memories are fine but if
they make us particularly sad they should be saved for another
time.  There will come a time when you can listen
to a particular song without getting the blues.

        Mourn your lost love. Then move on. It will take time,
but the pain will get less and less, and one day it will be gone.

        You are not alone. 

        Everyone gets dumped sometime. 

                
FRIENDS & Lovers
© 1996 Home & Leisure Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved.
E-mail: magazines@cyberspud.com
http://cyberspud.com/friends_lovers/dumped.html


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3.      10 Things That Never Happen on Star Trek

1. Worf gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond
   to one of the Enterprise's hails.

2. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
   obvious.

3. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a
   smarty pants, and finally attempts to make some friends of
   his own age.

4. A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of
   a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century
   surge protection feature called a fuse.

5. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we
   know it, and everyone is actually grateful instead of just
   saying "Good work."

6. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien
   plague: The cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed
   as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent
   engineering staff.

8. The Enterprise visits the Klingon home world on a bright,
   sunny day.

9. While walking down a corridor, one of the crew remarks,
   "I think we're lost. These corridors all look the same."

10.The shields on the Enterprise are more then adequate and
   stay up during an entire battle.

Non-Sequitur
Copyright © 1996 Funny Town - All rights reserved.
http://www.funnytown.com/misc/startrek50.html

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4.      Hurry burry, spoils the curry.
        (Railway crossing sign, India)

        Just like the cavalry, here comes CoN with
yet another exciting issue.  Happy Birthday Will T.,
I'm still the youngest of you all.  The "Goat Club"
still thrives, our motto "A dead cow is a friendly
cow".  No, we don't sell any damned EggNog, and yes
we have the milk facing the french side because
that is where the sell-by date is.  No Frills?
Remember, life is a gift, a miracle.  An
abortion is just as bad as killing someone.  I do
not care if the body is yours and you do whatever
you like with it.  Next time use a condom.  Do as
you wish, but remember that if there is a God,
that he saw you all this time.
        
        Special thanks to all of those that
wrote in regards of our last issue.
No, we don't know what happened to the hamster.

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