Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume VI, Issue 10, AD MMI
Sunday, December 9, 2001
ISSN 1482-0471
-------------------------------------------

"I've always believed that if the US Government were ever to get 
really serious about Internet security, the top players in 
Microsoft's management hierarchy would find themselves handcuffed, 
blindfolded, led onto a tarmac within some obscure Air Force base, 
and shot". 
-- http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/4/23223.html

-------------------------------------------

"I never read the book"
-- The CEO of Chapters/Indigo, one of Canada's biggest bookstores, 
on the decision to ban Adolph Hitler's `Mein Kampf', considered hate 
literature.

-------------------------------------------

1.  Editorial
2.  In the Name of the Moon, This Show Will Punish Me
3.  Pretty Yellow Fender Amp
4.  McDonalds from a Sociological Perspective
-------------------------------------------

This week's Golden Testicle award:

Is your son a hacker?

http://www.adequacy.org/?op=displaystory;sid=2001/12/2/42056/2147

-------------------------------------------

1. Editorial
By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro

I think that 90% of the City of Toronto's revenue is based off of 
parking tickets.  On my street, today, they changed the parking 
signs again.  They not only look shinier and prettier but they are 
also more incomprehensible than before.

You have to understand, parking signs in Toronto don't just say 
"Park" or "Don't park" or the clever "Don't even think about parking 
here" like they have in New York City.  Parking signs in Toronto 
explain when you can and cannot park, what months and what days you 
can and cannot.  Sometimes they even include the times, down to the 
minute.  All of this with as few words as possible.  These signs are 
as cryptic as they are anal-retentive.

It had taken me a while (roughly 10 years) to figure out that you 
can only park on the first 15 days of each month on the North side 
of the street and on the last 15 days of the month, on the South 
side.   I mean, with me, telling you like this, it seems like 
child's play.  But you should try translating these yourself.  I bet 
even an Egyptologist, who figured out hieroglyphics, would be 
dumbfound at these.   And while the old signs made no sense, the new 
ones leave me even more baffled.

So I arrive and notice the signs are different.  It's because they 
are shinier, that I notice.  I sat there for half an hour trying to 
figure out when and where someone is supposed to park.  I can't.  As 
far as I can tell, the new signs on the North side of the street 
want you to park there only for the first 15 days of the month 
starting April 1st and ending November the 30th.  You can't park 
there the last 15 days of the month, from December the 1st to March 
the 30th.  I haven't looked at the signs on the South side yet.  
That's because the two, apparently, should mix and match.

It would seem that, tonight, I am not the only one that has lost any 
sense of understanding to where one should park.  You should see the 
street: there are cars parked on both sides.

The parking enforcement agents *chuckle* of course are having a 
field day, with half the cars already tagged with their yellow 
ticket.  Their misfortune tells me, that the North side is the wrong 
place for today and I should park on the South side.  At least, 
until the 15th of this month.

Then I'll have to figure it out all over again.

Welcome to Issue 10.  As many of you know, the CoN website is slowly 
taking shape, thanks to the mighty and powerful hands of Colin 
Barrett.  Volumes 3 to 6 are currently online, with Volume 2 still 
in the process of being tweaked.  I haven't even tackled Volume 1 
yet and I think I may want to put sharp nails in my testicles before 
I do.

If you happen to surf the CoN website and you spot a mistake, or see 
something which isn't working as it should, we'd appreciate an e-
mail.

Enjoy this issue.

-------------------------------------------

2.  In the Name of the Moon, This Show Will Punish Me
By B

One of the most fun things to do in high school is to play lots of 
sports, have absolutely no qualms about your weight, and to sleep 
with many, many people, most of whom have consumed gallons of 
alcohol and lost their training bra somewhere under your parents 
bed. 

But for those of us who were too busy investing in Oxy and their 
fine, worthless "pads," one of the most fun things to do is to pick 
some alternative, "cool" thing to base our life around. For me, it 
was wrestling. But for a lot of people in the modern adolescent 
world, the schoolgirl outfit-clad world of Japanese animation 
provides both sanctuary and a really good way to get your rocks off 
without making yourself feel dirty. It's just a cartoon, right? As 
long as you guys don't see the wiener you think it's clean as a 
sunshine. 

Japanese animation (or "anime" as it's called by people who wear X-
Men T-shirts) isn't just for guys...no, somewhere amidst the naked 
schoolgirl robot cat people lies a place for girls as well. Okay, 
think about ANY creative writing class you've EVER been in. Remember 
that one girl who never combed her hair and wrote Marilyn Manson 
lyrics in her notebooks? Okay, think about the girl NEXT to her, the 
fat one. SHE likes anime because, while the girls are 11 years old 
and naked most of the time, THEY are the ones with the guns, 
henceforth providing positive female rolemodels for the 
aforementioned underprivileged. That, and she thinks it's cool when 
you see a chick's panties. 

America hasn't quite gone mainstream with Japanese animation yet, 
but the closest we came in the 90's was a retarded little gem called 
"Sailor Moon." Perhaps you've heard of it? It was the show on thirty 
minutes before you woke up. Wedged between repeats of "Grace Under 
Fire" and that fat black dude who's always WAY too interested in the 
weather. I swear, you could whisper something about "cumulonimbus" 
to that guy and he'd shit himself. 

Anyway, it's time to lower your intelligence, strap on your pigtails 
and cotton panties, and "Meet Sailor Moon!"

THE PLOT

Saying Sailor Moon had a plot is like saying John Stamos has "acting 
ability." Sure, they TRIED to have a plot (sometimes), but most of 
the time the show involved 2-20 scantily clad teenagers screaming 
and throwing things at monsters. This is pretty advanced for the 
Japanese, though, I mean, think about other great shows they've 
given us: 

Dragonball Z's plot: Poorly drawn people hover around and scream at 
each other, most of the time doing nothing much at all. 

Gundam Wing's plot: Well drawn people hover around in robots and 
scream at each other, most of the time doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT 
ALL FOR DOZENS OF EPISODES. 

Speed Racer's plot: This guy in a scarf and white slacks likes to 
drive very fast. His little brother likes hanging out in the trunk 
and father seems to always be threatening to bash him in the head 
with a wrench. And his monkey likes candy. 

THE "SAILOR SCOUTS"

Hey, I don't know why they called them "scouts" either. Maybe 
between make-out sessions they sold cookies or made crafts or 
something. 

SAILOR MOON! MOON POW-AAAAH!
Real name: Serena Usagi Yojimbo
Special attacks: "Moon Crystal Power!"
Effects: She stands there holding a sparkly wand. What do YOU think 
happens?

The protagonist of the show is "Serena," a fourteen-year old 
Japanese school girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. This puts her 
in a category with Hispanic blonde-haired blue-eyed Christina 
Aguilera as, evidently, a Nazi super-soldier. Normally she's clumsy 
and spends most of the show talking about how much she loves ice 
cream, but when evil rears it's ugly head she changes clothes and 
poses until the bad guys run away. Seriously, she just stands there 
and says goofy shit like "MOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOON....... prism..... 
fairy.... candy.... handy-dandy.... super fire convoy.... make-up!" 
and then they're dead. Either I don't get something about Japanese 
warfare or this is seriously fucked up. 

No wonder Japan got the crap kicked out of them in World War II. We 
didn't even need to nuke them, we could've sent ground-troops in 
with broomsticks or something, the Japanese soldiers would probably 
just stand there talking about the power of the moon until we bashed 
their yellow heads in. That is unless they were being destroyed by a 
giant turtle, then they'd be running in fear and we'd need roller-
skates or something to catch up with them. Roller-skates and 
broomsticks, there we go. 

LUNA or "RUNA"
Luna is Sailor Moon's talking pet cat. She sounds like Angela 
Lansbury and dishes out great advice like "Sailor Moon! Use your 
powers to defeat the villain!" Without Luna, Sailor Moon would just 
stand there posing at the wall all day until she died of starvation. 
Luna started up the "Sailor Scouts" when she gave all the girls 
magical pens that gave them the ability to change their clothes in 
battle. This is useful in battle, because as any fan of animation 
will tell you, the bad guys won't do anything until you're finished 
posing. 

SAILOR MARS!
Real name: Raye Jet Li How Dong
Special attacks: "Mars Fire Fire Fire Huh-Huh Cool!"
Effects: The attack can make most dumbass kids burn down most 
trailer parks.

Sailor Mars is the "fire" scout, and the only person on the entire 
show who looks even remotely Japanese. She wears a kimono, drinks 
tea, lives in a place with paper walls and knows martial arts. Later 
on in the series she picks some rice and eats her dog.

Her big attack involves taking little pieces of paper with kanji 
(Chinese symbols created by panda bears for writing) written on them 
that cause mean people to become paralyzed. I tried this myself, 
once. This big idiot in my 10th grade gym class stole my Dawson's 
Creek Trapper Keeper so I wrote "dickhead" on a piece of paper and 
pelted him upside the head with it. He didn't become paralyzed as 
much as he got his friends to slam my head in the toilet. Now I've 
got three chipped teeth and the aftertaste of 8th grader turd water 
in my mouth for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot, Sailor Moon. 

SAILOR JUPITER!
Real Name: Lita Chow Yun Fat Wang
Special attacks: "Jupiter Kill Fat Americans Thunder Dragon!"
Effects: She manages to do cartwheels and maintain her balance while 
keeping the back of her panties at least twelve feet into her ass.

Sailor Jupiter is the "long-legged huge-knockers" scout. They "say" 
she's there because she's athletic and has the power of electricity, 
but please. Jupiter comes in handy when young boys cannot properly 
masturbate to the more conservative Sailor Mercury.

Her hobbies include swooning over all the anime guys-that-look-like-
chicks and cooking, a hobby that EVERY Japanese person should be 
interested in. I don't live in a country that has a Kitchen Stadium, 
but THEY DO. That'd be like me living in the same country as Andy 
Dick and not having a desire to end his life. Possibly with fire. 
And lots of it.

Sailor Jupiter has also accused Tuxedo Mask of being a homosexual 
and said she should play Snow White in their school play because 
she's got the biggest tits. Sailor Jupiter is pretty wickid awesome.

SAILOR MERCURY!
Real name: Ami Kwan Shanghai Pikachu
Special attacks: "Mercury Bubble Blast!"
Effects: She shoots bubbles at people. Then they kick her in the 
face for being such a fucking retard. Yeah, I'm REAL scared of the 
"bubble" attack.

As the "bubble scout," Ami must battle every day to keep from 
killing herself. Sailor Mercury enjoys reading, doing well in 
school, and using her computer. She exists only in this cartoon and 
in the minds of everybody who paid to see "Hackers" while it was in 
the theater.

SAILOR VENUS!
Real name: Mina Kuwaii Dung of Cow
Special attacks: "Japanese Animators Run Out of Ideas....NOW!"
Effects: Thousands of trendy American dorks think any kind of 
Japanese animation is wonderful, no matter how big a pile of rancid 
dog-plop it is. Case in point: Tenchi. I'd rather pull my own teeth 
with a pair of pissed-on pliers than sit through that show.

Sailor Venus is the "experienced" scout who has spent years donning 
panties to fight monster crime. She calls upon the power of the 
"crescent" moon to punish evil with her trusty cat sidekick. She is 
different from Sailor Moon because she has a bow on her head. What I 
want to know is why these people didn't fight REAL crime. Sure, 
monsters drop into town, break a few windows, hey, somebody's gotta 
stop them. But what about street crime? If you were a mugger and you 
just stole some lady's purse, only to be approached by half a dozen 
15 year olds in tutus, would you be scared? This show's just one big 
commercial for casual rape. 

HANDY DANDY EPISODE GUIDE
Every episode of Sailor Moon:

Sailor Moon is eating a lot of food and talking about liking boys. 
Meanwhile, a feminine guy villain plots to steal negative energy or 
a magic crystal from an innocent person. The Sailor Scouts change 
clothes and pose. Feminine guy villain creates a monster out of 
whatever is lying around (flowers, cargo pants, cheese, etc.). 
Sailor Moon uses a wand or a broach or panties that make sparkles 
that kill the bad guy. Cue cheesy themesong. 

THE FILMS
Sailor Moon R

The first of the recently re-released Moonie classics involves 
Tuxedo Mask and his pseudo-relationship with an alien that loves 
flowers. Actually a pretty moving piece about family and 
understanding...unless you watch the English version, where the 
homoerotic undertones that powered the emotions of the characters is 
replaced by bland drivel about friendship. "There must be some sort 
of connection between those two!" belts out the American Sailor 
Moon. Yes, Serena, a connection between the cock and the ass. At the 
end, she blows up the bad guy with a broach. Hm.

Sailor Moon S

The second movie (and the first to feature the "Indigo Girl fan" 
Sailor Scouts) is about a villain completely lacking personality 
that wants to turn the world into ice. The real rice and dog of the 
plot involves Luna, and her longings to have stinky cat sex with a 
blonde guy who wants to be an astronaut. If you suspend reality well 
enough, you feel almost touched by the innocent longings of an 
intelligent mind searching for honest love. If you watch the 
American version, it sounds like Angela Lansbury is getting 
disturbingly horny over some guy. At the end, Sailor Moon blows up 
the bad guy with a broach. Again.

Sailor Moon Super S

I haven't seen this one in a while, but from what I remember a guy 
in a big flying ship wants to steal the dreams of children. Vague 
recollections include the bizarre sexual subtext between Tuxedo Mask 
and his daughter, and I'm guessing somebody gets blown up with a 
broach. But I don't want my assumptions to insult the creative 
integrity of Sailor Moon. After all, when you're assuming you make 
an "ass" out of "you" and "Meng." And Meng has the fierce Tongan 
Death Grip. So watch out. 

CONTROVERSY

- The show was pulled from the airwaves by several Canadian and 
American television stations because in later seasons, new Sailor 
Scouts "Uranus" and "Neptune" appear to be lesbians. "Neptune" of 
course referring to the Roman God of the Sea, and "Uranus" referring 
to the place where Neptune gets licked every night. They "appeared" 
to be lesbians because they always hold hands, have quasi-adopted a 
child together, and enjoy the music of Ani Difranco. And I think I 
speak for everyone when I say only pussy college students and dykes 
listen to THAT shit. 

- One of the main villains, "Zoycite" from the Negaverse, appears in 
the Japanese show as a homosexual. In the American show, Zoycite is 
completely re-dubbed with a FEMALE voice and treated as a woman, 
because evidently American children cannot grasp the fact that SOME 
people actually ENJOY Broadway. Everything works out though, because 
in the German show Zoycite is quickly murdered. 

- The love interest of Sailor Moon, "Tuxedo Mask" (a recurring 
mysterious character wearing a top-hat and tails) always saves her 
big-eyed ass by hurling a rose at whatever is about to kill her. 
That SO doesn't work. One time I went out behind my Aunt's house and 
pulled up her rose garden. Later on that day I saw my dog getting 
into a fight with another neighborhood dog, so I chucked a rose at 
it and stabbed it right in the eye. That fucking dog chased me eight 
blocks and bit me right in the throat. Way to go, Japan, maybe you 
should WATCH WHAT YOU'RE PUTTING ON TELEVISION. 

Ha ha ha! Of course I'm kidding. 

The dog never even touched me, I bashed his head in with a baseball 
bat. But I hope you've enjoyed my look into the world of Sailor 
Moon, and will cherish this knowledge we shared every time you 
decide NOT to wake up at the butt-fuck of morning to watch crappy 
Japanese television. 

If you have any questions about this article or Sailor Moon, or if 
you have any complains and would like to bitch the staff of 
Whatever-Dude.com out for "not understanding culture" and "mocking 
other nationalities," please, remember to finish your Dungeons and 
Dragons game before e-mailing me. 

The dungeon master gets PISSED when you forget to roll. 

Hahaha! Losers!

Direct all pimple-ridden hatemail to swan@whatever-dude.com

Disclaimer: Virginia's unofficial expert on all things anime had a 
crush on me in high school, so don't think my uneducated remarks are 
uneducated. I'm merely using hyperbole to show how Sailor Moon 
represents the lowest quality of Japanese animation. I enjoy the 
works of Miyazaki and Katsuhiro Otomo, and find several of their 
animated classics to be breathtaking works of art. Especially when 
plants start raping chicks. That's really cool.

---
This article is copyright and courtesy of B.
It appears here thanks to B's kindness and much of my begging.
B can be reached at: swan@whatever-dude.com

-------------------------------------------

3.  Pretty Yellow Fender Amp
By Jeff Wright

Now short of being able to actually play the guitar, I can rock.  My 
guitar now has something to plug into.  Something with which it can 
make screaming rock sounds.  Mission: Get An Amp, was a success.  

My friend Mike (a.k.a. Melvin), who's musically knowledgeable and 
talented, unlike myself came with, to make sure I didn't get ripped 
off, or pick up a piece-a-shit-amp.  

First stop was to a used furniture and whatever you may need shop, 
that's owned by a friend of my dad's.  My dad had been in on 
Thursday, and told me that he had an old trainer amp that he'd sell 
to me for $150.  So Mike and I went in.  I saw an old man sitting in 
a chair by the back, that I figured was Howie, the owner.

I introduced myself to him, and said, "My dad said you've got an 
amp."

He responded by saying, "Yeah, got it lopped off at the knee" as he 
tapped on his prosthetic leg.

I stood there in silence, hoping that he, on his own, would realize 
what I was talking about.

I didn't want to say "Uh, its not that I don't care about your 
plastic leg, but I meant guitar amp".

Thankfully, Howie realized what I said before I said anything.  Mike 
looked at the amp, and some old guitar that Howie had (It was old or 
something.  Mike seemed to be somewhat impressed by it.  Beats the 
hell out of me).  We then decided to go look at the pawnshops first.  
I said that we'd come back if we didn't find anything at the 
pawnshops.  Howie said "Sure thing."  And we were off.

So we headed down to the Queen and Church area, where a long section 
of pawn shops sit.  First one we go in, nothing.  Second one we go 
in, success!  Mike spotted a little Fender re-issue practice amp 
that he said would suit my purposes quite well.  After a bit of 
discussion, Mike asked the old Russian storeowner what he wanted for 
it.

"150.  And that's not 1 dollar and 50.  har har har."

"You should definitely get it", said Mike.  "So long as it works."

When we asked to test it out, the guy said "No.  It is my busy day 
today.  Come back on Monday."

We hummed and hawed a bit more, and by time we were done with the 
humming, and had only a little bit more hawing to do, the store was 
emptied out and the guy said that we could try it out.  So Mike 
plugged in the amp, and the storeowner handed us a pink, purple and 
black zebra striped guitar.

As he put it "You may think this guitar is shit, but it's the best 
one in the store."  Whatever.  Just give us the guitar.  Mike tested 
it out and said it was good to go.

The owner asked if we had a pretty 18-year-old blonde at home to 
clean the amp.  I wonder if he had one to sell.  Before I could ask 
though, he started a conversation with Mike about his Gibson guitar 
and how people don't bring them in anymore (read: steal them 
anymore).  Enough chit chat.  I paid the man, thanked him, and we 
proceeded onto the next pawnshop.  Mike still hadn't bought anything 
cool.

We went from pawnshop to pawn shop.  Some were nicer than others.  
Some smelling more of B.O. than others.  Some even having a 
miniature loan sharking business in the back (nice!).  Nothing 
really tickled Mike's fancy, the picky bitch that he is.  Money must 
be spent!!!!!!!

Mike destroyed many things along the way.  He knocked over a cowboy 
hat.  Can you believe that?!?!?!?!?!  Okay.  That's the only thing 
he disturbed, and it hardly could be considered destruction.  Shut 
up!  I wanted to put it into the story somewhere.  It amused me.  
Hey, I just thought.  He should have bought the hat.  That would 
have been an acceptable waste of money.

We hit the last of the shops, and made our way back towards the car.  
On the way, Mike wanted to stop into the Army Surplus to get some 
stuff.  So we went in, and one of the store's employees grabbed Mike 
by the throat and screamed at him "Die you fucking Nazi scum!  
DIE!!!!!"  Mike still picked up a shirt and a scarf.  The latter to 
cover up the bruises on his neck. 

THE END! 

Does that feel like an abrupt and rather silly ending to the 
"story"?  Oh well.  Some more stuff happened but I don't feel like 
writing anymore.  The story's been on a rapid decline since I went 
on about Mike "destroying" things anyway.  So who cares?  I've got 
an amp now, and it was fun getting it.  That's all you need to know.  
Leo told me I couldn't just write once sentence, and consider it my 
submission for this issue.  So blame him.  

I'm gonna go listen to "The Whole World" by Outkast a few more 
times.  I bet I've listened to it about 25 times today.  "Like I'm 
scared like a dog, but I've got a new song, and I want y'all to sing 
along."

---
Jeff bets he's listened to "The Whole World" by Outkast, about 25 
times today.

-------------------------------------------

4.  McDonalds from a Sociological Perspective
By Rolo

Ah yes the bitch of all jobs.  McDonalds holds a special place in my 
bowls.  It's the place of my first employment.  Yes I got the worst 
of all jobs.  But I'm not bitter.  It made me realize what a 
sociological icon McDonalds really is.  Being a sociologist in 
training makes me think back to it.   Now, don't get me wrong, I 
certainly don't take sociology seriously.   But it certainly gives 
me an interesting perspective into what to expect from Society.

Where else can you see such a wide diverse array of people in one 
place.  McDonalds is a microcosm of pathetic souls.  It's brilliant. 
I worked as a Customer Services Representative, which we use to call 
a Lobby Guy, which is really just a term for Janitor.  From my two-
year stint at the hellhole I've seen a whole lifetime of experience.  
Where else can you see white trash, black-trash, even Chinese-trash 
all communally eating together? 

Day after day I've seen countless lower class people flock in like 
hordes to gorge on the latest amount of grease. Children can 
defecate on the playroom floor without so much as a blush from their 
parents.  Oh wait, the parents are not there.  They're upstairs 
eating.

At McDonalds it's so common place to scold and beat your pathetic 
welp of children.  I've seen countless numbers of fat, degenerate, 
and poorly socialized people in my stay there.  Many of the children 
are slobs just like their parents, they run around with reckless 
abandon, climb on tables and counters all with their mindless 
parents munching away.  The people initially brought their screaming 
whelps here to shut them up.  If they misbehave they give them a 
good smack and threaten them in front of everyone.  Nobody minds.

McDonalds itself is just as responsible for the condition as are 
those who congregate there.  I've seen children turned away because 
they only had 47 cents instead of 49 cents for a single soft serve 
ice cream cone.  I've even seen a 3/4" metal bolt baked into a 
McNugget, and metal nuts fall into the fries.  I've seen 8 litres of 
vegetable fries oil be re-filtered and reused.  It's a culture where 
you can literally take a large scooper and dig out a whole hunk of 
solidified oil from a solid 1'x1' block and throw it into the frier 
with people eagerly awaiting their fries.  Freeze-dried onion 
shavings reign supreme.  McDonalds is a place that charges you 800% 
cost for a coke fountain pop that cost less than 15 cents to 
produce.  Or they will charge you 50 cents for a slice of extra 
tomato.  The garbage run off alone is capable of disintegrating the 
asphalt on the driveway.  I've seen it with my own eyes.

Don't get me wrong though.  There are good souls at McDonalds.  They 
just tend to get lost in the shuffle, or horde rather; looking for 
the latest happy meal toy, or monopoly game sticker piece.  I'm sure 
that perhaps the McDonalds down on Bay Street has a few more civil 
business people.  But it seems that McDonalds always has the ability 
to bring out the worst in people.

McDonalds is a cultural Mecca, a gathering place if you will of all 
the dregs of society.  Next time you go to McD's take a careful look 
around.  If you dare, have a seat.  Otherwise get it to go.  Why you 
ask?  McDonalds is one of the rare places in which people from all 
walks of life, income and culture can come together to stuff their 
faces with greasy cheap food.

---
Rolo = Fat

-------------------------------------------

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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome

http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

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