Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume III, Issue 19, AD MCMXCVIII
Monday, November 16th, 1998
ISSN 1482-0471
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"Do you think when God made women, he meant it?  Or was it another one 
of his mistakes, like earthquakes and floods?  What's the matter?  You 
don't think God makes mistakes?  Sure he does.  You make mistakes, I 
make mistakes.  We all make mistakes.  But when we make a mistake, it's 
EVIL.  When God makes a mistake, it's NATURE."
-- Jack Nicholson, The Witches of Eastwick

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The telephone, for those of you who have forgotten, was a commonly used 
communications technology in the days before electronic mail.
They're still easy to find in most large cities.
-- Nathaniel Borenstein (from the sig. file of Jim Mercer)

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1.  Editorial
2.  Would You Date Yourself If You Were Gay?
3.  AOL
4.  Gays
5.  "Speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog."
6.  CoN at the movies
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This week's Golden Testicle award:

Clergy hates coleslaw ... feckin' bastards

http://www.fringeware.com/hell/index.html

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1. Editorial

> When John Glenn returns from space, everybody dress in Ape Suits.

Some of you might remember seeing this as a Nasty Acclamation in the 
beginning of the last issue of CoN.  It seemed funny and innocent 
enough.

It seemed funny and innocent enough even when I received it two more 
times that same night.

It ceased to be funny and innocent when I received more than 48 copies 
of it from different people.

Not even the Good Times Virus chain letter has made it to my box so many 
times.


WELCOME TO ISSUE 19 OF Capital of Nasty.  This issue is about "gays and 
lesbians".  Although I wish we had someone who was homosexual to write 
an article for us, all of the articles have been written by heterosexual 
people.  How much do they qualify?  Probably not by much, if not at all.  
We'll leave up to you to decide.

If there are any homosexual readers out there that are interested in 
submitting a comment or an article, please feel free, we always look 
forward to feedback. 

THE FIRST e-mail arrived from Paul Gill.

> I keep receiving emails that I DID NOT subscribe to and DO
> NOT wish to receive. If I continue to receive this
> type of mail I will authorise my company to proceed with
> legal action.

Dear Sir.

If you are working for a company, you are one of two people.

A) The Boss.
B) Some underpaid drudge in a cubicle slowly turning into a mushroom.

If you are some underpaid drudge in a cubicle slowly turning into a 
mushroom, your company doesn't give a rat's ass about you.  Go up to 
your boss and say that you're getting email you don't like, and that the 
company lawyers should begins legal action.  Considering lawyers charge 
about 50 dollars a minute, your boss will say "Don't make us kill you 
and harvest your internal organs.  Now get back to work."

If you are the Boss:

Then your system administrators are secretly laughing at you for your 
gross technical incompetence.  Are you worried that you will get 
arrested when your computer performs an illegal operation?  Still 
looking for the "Any" key?  "Accidentally" subscribing to ezines and 
unable to unsubscribe?  It's your own fault, you don't understand how 
your shoes work, never mind your computer.  

From this we can conclude your threat to take legal action is 
meaningless.
So we can say pretty much anything we want.  How about "lick my 
nutsack"?
Doesn't suit you?  How about a" blow us"?  Or a good ol' fashioned "fuck 
you and anything that looks like you"?


Rev.Sean C. Rothstein-Jacobson (who also contributed to this issue) 
writes in regards to the Television article that appeared in our last 
issue:

> WAIT! You took sips!  THEREIN LAYETH THE CRUX!  Due to some DAMN ODD
> logic, in American TV that is, the actual DRINKING of alcoholic
> beverages CANNOT be shown!  So the
> chicks/coolness/wealth/powers-of-a-God/GIANT beer bottles will only
> appear if you NEVER ACTUALLY DRINK THEM, but hold them and smile
> inanely.  Try it.  After awhile that smile becomes stupefying, and
> you'll find yourself saying: "Buddy" "hey guys howsit hangin" "dude"
> "eh" (oh! excuse me, sorry) "My way or the highway" "love em and leave
> em" You begin to imagine yourself being referred to as "Chip" "Bill"
> "Stud" " &c.  You'll note that one hand has unconsciously slipped into
> your vest pocket (WHOA, where did I get a vest). 
> ONE SIP HOWEVER AND YOU ARE A GODDAMN DRUNK-DRIVER WAITING TO HAPPEN!

Our next issue will be about various stories that have been submitted to 
CoN.  It will not be about Heterosexuals (unless of course someone who 
is homosexual would like to write a parody of what it's like to be 
heterosexual).

Thanks for reading.

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2.  Would You Date Yourself If You Were Gay?

By Jason MacIsaac

The other day Leandro (yes the one that edits this magazine) and I were 
chatting.  Initially we were talking about people we've dated when the 
topic turned to whether or not you would date yourself if you were gay.  

It's probably wisest to not retrace the conversation and how it steered 
into such warped dimensions.  For now it's safest to say that we're both 
crazy, and it's a good thing crazy people write articles for zines.  
Crazy people think deranged, obscene and unnatural things so you don't 
have to.

In this event, we briefly discussed what would happen if we could date a 
mirror image of ourselves.  Originally, the mirror image would be 
identical to us in every way, except it would be female.  Perhaps this 
proves what a chauvinistic pig I am, but the very first thing I thought 
of was what I would be like if I had PMS.  And I think we'd all be a lot 
happier if I declined to pursue this line of thought.

But the idea of "dating yourself" I think is an important thing to 
consider, because answering the question "Would you date yourself if you 
were gay, why or why not?" is a road to potential self-discovery.  
Insight into your own character that you don't normally get, being 
wrapped up inside yourself all day.  

So, let assume you're gay.  That is, you are emotionally and physically 
attracted to people of the same gender.  Now let's clone you.  Here you 
are looking at a mirror image of yourself.  Would you date this person?

Examining the issue closely, I've broken it all down into individual 
categories, listing the pros and cons.

CONVERSATION:  This one is very iffy, probably a negative.  You know 
everything you are going to say.  While this might lead to a king of 
soul-mate empathy, it's more likely going to lead to one person trying 
to kill the other.  And since both parties possess equal strength, the 
fight would last a long time.

Men have a tendency to talk endlessly about how great they are when 
initiating a relationship, not listening to the other party.  Again, 
this could lead to violence, or it could simply mean that the other part 
of the couple talks endlessly about how great he is, ignoring the other 
person.  So you got two people yakking non-stop about how great they 
are, each cheerfully oblivious to the other.  I leave you to decide 
whether or not this is a bad thing.

SEX:  Initially, this looks the biggest possible advantage.  A sexual 
partner whose tastes are identical to yours?  Yeehaw!  Think about it.  
When one's hormones are boiling into arousal, so is the other person's 
hormones.  When one doesn't feel like it, neither does the other.  
During the act, the partners know exactly where the sensitive areas are.  
And never once will you hear the other person bellow "You want me to 
WHAT?"  They share the same kinko perversions as you, so you can't shock 
them.  You don't have to worry about disease, you know exactly where 
your partner's been.  And if you do break up, your partner can't go 
spilling the beans on what sick pervy things you were into.  After all, 
they'd be ratting on themselves.

Some problems can occur, however.  Particular tastes require an opposite 
in order to work.  For example, a sexually submissive person requires a 
dominant partner.  Two submissives will never get any sex done while 
they wait for the other to take control, and two Dominants might kill 
each other in a sexual frenzy.  Again, I leave it to you to decide 
whether or not this is a bad thing.

And finally, it really must be noted that you don't need to clone 
yourself in order to have sex with yourself.

CLOTHING:  This would have to be settled on a case per case basis.  
Couples of all types often share clothing--what an incredible turn on it
is put on your lover's sweater and smell their cologne or perfume.  

The stereotype on how homosexual women dress are vague.  The mannish 
flannel shirt image comes to mind, but ask some puffy salesguy who tells 
blonde jokes, and he'll tell you they dress in thong bikinis and hot 
pink stiletto heels, or at least they did in Oral Bimbos 3.  The 
stereotype with homosexual men is clearer: that they dress very well.  I 
have known three openly gay men.  Of the three, only one fit this 
stereotype.  Pressed suits, immaculate collared shirts, a well-trimmed 
moustache.  The second wore average day to day clothing that was 
unremarkable.  And the third actually had bad fashion sense.  Yes, that 
assessment from me, a person with such poor clothing sense that the kids 
on Yonge Street don't bother asking me for spare change as I walk by.  
Case #3 liked to put on a piece of outrageous clothing, such as silver 
pants or a very gaudy hat (meaning just one in addition to regular 
attire).  Some people of all persuasions like to dress campy, but they 
do so from head to toe.  They wear platform heels, tight vinyl pants 
with the Union Jack on them, a glitter-encrusted shirt, a pirate hat and 
a feather boa.  This at least gives you a kind of consistency, even 
though looking at it would strike a Mennonite blind.  When you wear 
Docs, jeans, a t-shit, a denim jacket and a feather boa, you just look 
stupid.   

The reason I bring this up is to establish that being a gay does not 
automatically give you a new kind of clothing sense.  If your 
orientation changed you'd probably wear much the same stuff you do now.   
If you already dress meticulously, great--you and your partner can share 
clothing, save money, and bask in the glow of each other's majestic 
presence through your clothing.   In my case, this is bad news.   Major 
bad news.  I am notorious for going through clothing like it was water 
on a hot summer day.  Shoes get worn out, my knees poke through my 
jeans, and the less said about the condition of my socks, the better.  
There is no way me and my gay clone could share clothing.  Take a fresh 
pair of jeans off the rack, let me wear them once, let me clone wear 
them the next day, and they'd be shredded like a slab of mozzarella 
through a cheese grater.  If somehow my clone worked up the courage to 
try on my socks, he'd be barefoot by the end of the day.

Here's a little tip for you young lovers.  Say you've got someone in 
your life that loves you dearly.  Thinks you walk on water.  Mistakes 
you for a Greek God or Goddesses on occasion.  If you want to keep that 
level of infatuation, NEVER EVER LET THEM SEE YOUR LAUNDRY.  Oh, your 
little Prisoner D'Amour would love to do domestic chores for you when 
even your mother says "Like hell I'm touching that.  You wash it."  One 
look at a collection of your smelly socks and crusty underwear will 
bring them back down to Earth like a Coke machine pushed out of a 747 
(wow, there are some really good similes in this one, eh?)  

There is another distinct disadvantage for me here.  Women in North 
America come from a society which forces them to be more aware of their 
looks, and the looks of others.  Whereas men are taught that maybe, just 
maybe, it wouldn't be a bad idea to bathe once a week whether you need 
it or not.  The wardrobe, diet, and hygiene of men involved in a 
relationship with a woman improves by at least 40%.  During my last 
relationship, my personal habits went from a D to a solid B-.  Concert 
t-shirts ceased to be my principle attire, and my cooking skills relied 
mainly on a skillet rather than a telephone.  If I were gay dating 
myself, this wouldn't happen.  In fact, it would probably get worse.

FINANCES:  If your clone did what you did for a living, you would know 
everything about his or her finances.  Again, a mixed proposition 
depending on your level of responsibility.  In a couple, there's often 
the conservative, grounded one who can actually save money, and the 
throw-caution-to-the-wind one who loves impulse buying.  The two balance 
each out--the wild one is a little less wild, and the conservative 
occasionally takes the credit card out of his or her ass and learns to 
live a little.  If you are already good at managing your money and 
occasionally treating yourself already, you should have no problem being 
financially compatible with your gay clone (did I really just write 
that? Man, this is fucked up).  On the other hand, if you're one of the 
more extreme cases, two wild children are going to wind up massively in 
debt.  Two tight-fists are going to grow up rich, but so bitter that 
watching a Disney flick would send them into diabetic shock.

CONCLUSION

There are more factor to consider in this whole dating yourself thing, 
but I think I can sum my feelings up best with this, one of the most 
important, useful, and life-saving things a loved one ever said to me.  
What was it?  "I love you"?  "You're special to me"?  No.

It was "That's a stupid idea."

I'm serious.  "I love you" and "You're special to me" are very important 
things to say, stuff most people can't live without.  But my love, 
listening to one of my zany schemes, said to me "That's a stupid idea," 
or words very much like this, and as I result, I took my head out of my 
ass and realized "My God, she's right."   Although it hurt to hear her 
say it, in the long run, she saved me far greater pain.

If I had been dating myself, I just would have received encouragement, 
and gone ahead and done the stupid thing.

Really, that's the bottom line.  We seek out the company of others 
because we get lonely.  There is nothing wrong with being alone with 
your thoughts, in fact, sometimes it's vital.  But in the end we go 
looking for the companionship because the ultimate loneliness would be 
to spend your days with only your thoughts.  We find partners who often 
have attributes we lack, and we seek to emulate what we see in them.  
They in turn try to add the foreign elements of our personalities to 
their own.  In so doing, we become two new people.  The differences are 
still there, and that's good because differences bring balance.  And it 
means our loved ones are not afraid to try to save us from ourselves.  

That's one of the reasons breaking up is such a painful thing.  You're 
not just losing your lover, it seems like you're losing a part of you.  
When I found out I was single again, I moved into my own room after 
years of cohabitation.  Suddenly I was in my room again, a place I 
hadn't been for a long time--I had lived in her's and mine, if that can 
be clear.  Surrounded by things that were only me, I realized I was the 
person I was five years ago again.  I didn't want to be that person 
again.  It was like taking a step down on the evolutionary ladder.

You needn't lose the things that you learned from an ex-lover, but 
initially it seems like you might without them there to remind you.  The 
trick is to hang on to what you've learned, and try again.  Evolve 
again.

Dating yourself, you would not bring in new experiences, new ideas, new 
emotions.  You would not evolve.  You would not grow.  

And that's why I would not date myself if I were gay.

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3. AOL
  By Rev.Sean C. Rothstein-Jacobson

	There is a wealth of idiots on the net, and they deserve a little 
abuse... oh hell, a lot of abuse... Most of them are just letting the 
leash of their psychosis out a little because they are faceless on the 
net... most of them are harmless, but many are just so damn open to 
ridicule that... well... one simply MUST deal them as they deserve.  The 
following is a brief idea of how I have dealt with one (of many). 

Me (hereafter- Janet): Hi room!
[several "Hi Janet" comments...but this one...]
x: Hi Janet!  Whats a cute girl like you doing in a sleazy room like
this?
Janet: My parents went to see the English patient at the movies or 
somthing and Im bored out of my mind!! I haaaaaaaaate being bored, it 
sucks!
x: Yeah, I know what you mean.  Are you alone?
Janet["j"]: Uh-huh
x: How old are you?
J: 15
x: What do you look like?
[Ahhh, a deviant worth pestering- the...uhm..."moral" ones will say "oh
you are too young"- which, believe it or not, happens often]
J: ...Why...? ;-) 
[the wink... how can we praise thee?  You emoticon, sooooo 
alluring...heh-heh]
x: Because I like you.
J: You do?  How cum? 
["cum"- use it when you can, it is better than a worm on a hook]
x: You seem cool.
[if you doubt that this is a dev. reread what we've exchanged and judge
how cool I seem]
J: How old are you?
x: 38.  Do you want to talk?
J: I like to talk, I get in trouble at school all the time for talking!
[Verisimilitude...use it like an axe]
x: Hey, do you want to get a private room so we don't have to look at 
all this other stuff?
J: Sure!

[okay, here is where the fun begins.  Somewhere in the US there is a guy 
who is likely exposed and slavering...he wrongly thinks I am a) 14 and 
b) female... ahhh, idiots... gullible idiots...but more importantly 
PEDOPHILLIC idiots... so now we need an angle]

x:Janet
x:janet
x:Janet
J: Hi!  I'm here!  
x: so you were going to tell me what you look like
J: Do you like MEAT?
[this was totally nonsequiter, but turned out to be a good angle]
x: What do you mean?
J: Meat!  like Ham  do you like it?
x: Yeah...I guess...
J: I had ham before, oh god I LUV MEAT, can I call you daddy?
[nonsequiter/titillation: keep 'em confused and 1/2 hard]
x: Does it make you hot?
J: like pork in the oven, like the inside of a cow! Can I call you
DADDY!?
x: Uh sure
J: I have a ham bone from dinner, its hard and big like the that vietnam 
wall thingee where all the dead guy names are at.
x: A ham bone, huh?  Do you want to cyber?
J: Cyber what, daddy? 
[I was a novice at this back then and did not "know"]
x: Cybersex silly!  Hot talk!
[Hot talk? Sheesh!]
J: 23
x: what?
j: typo.  Mmmmmm...I just luv ["luv" is another good one] big meat
x: Really? Guess what Im doing right now? Hint: big meat
j: Typing
x: With my other hand
j: Holding a huge juicy piece of tri-tip and its all hot and steamy, 
JUICE is running down your arm and you are SQEEZING it...are you daddy, 
are you?!  
x: Uh this is weird
j: Yeah, the boys at school say I am a superfreak!  
x: Do you do anything with them?
j: Bar-b-que.  Are you from Virginia?
x: No I am in California
J: I loooooooove virginia- they grow good pigs there- and it sounds like 
virgin
x: Are you a virgin Janet?
J: Call me baby.
x: Are you a virgin baby?
j: No Im from Delaware
x: ...no, has a boy ever FUCKED YOU?
[here we see the frustration as ALL CAPS appear, I have a theory that 
the limper the mark becomes the more caps that will appear]
j: Not a boy
x: A girl?
j: 23
x: Whats with 23?
j: Typo...daddy, why arent you calling me baby?
x: Im stroking my cock
j: So you cant call me baby? is it gristly?
x: What?
j: coz I hate it when meat is gristly- it gets stuck between your teeth 
and you chew and chew. I hate it!
x: Im gonna go
j: Dont leave me daddy....
x: Tell me what youre doing with that bone
[Are you baiting me?]
J: mmmmmmm...Im sucking the marrow out with big wet slurps
x: That makes me hard
j: Marrow turns you on?  
x: No you sucking on it
j; I love sucking marrow, I think about the pig squeeling and its like 
blood candy...mmmmmmmmmmmmmeat
x: Whoa.  Im gonna go.
j: But you just started!  Hey you know what I like to do with honey, 
daddy?
x: Put it on ham?
j: YES! YES! OH GOD YES! Mmmmmmmm honey, ohhhhhh god!  A BIG PIECE OF 
MEAT WITH HONEY ALLLLLLLLLLLL OVER IT! 
x: What about my meat and honey?
j: 23
x: THATS NOT A TYPO!
[I am growing bored of this guy, and well, there are other angles to 
runtime to drop it]
j: I secretly wish I was a 23 year old woman
x: why?
j: Coz then I could get the hell out of my Graphic Design job and leave 
my girlfriend once and for all. 
x: What?
j: I have a son
x: YOU ARE REALLY SICK!
j: Yeah...he calls me daddy too.

And BOOM- like that he is gone and I am left with the satisfaction of 
having ruined someone's paedophilic masturbatory experience.  Such fun!  
So next time you are "cruisin'" the info-highway maybe we'll run into 
each-other... heh-heh-heh...

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4.  Gays
by Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro

Besides the fact that I am very feminine (or so I am told), I call most 
of my male friends "sweetie" and they reply with a "honey", and I have 
an earring, I am pretty sure that I am not gay.

Now, before you start bashing me in the head because someone out there 
smelled some sort of homophobia, let me explain a few things.

Being gay is of course, as we all know it and pretend to agree with, 
perfectly normal.  I for one live by the motto of "live and let live".  
If you have no problem with me sharing the same oxygen you are 
breathing, I have no problem with you.

At this point it would seem appropriate to say that "I have a few gay 
friends which are cool", but since I don't know to a personal level any 
gay men, I can't.  The only person I knew quite well was a guy I went to 
school with whom I shared one thing in common: his name was Leandro 
also.

When Leandro told everyone he was gay, the news spread through the 
school at lightning speed.  Many had no idea who Leandro was, or that 
were two kids with the same name in the same school, but for sure 
everyone knew that he was gay.

Of course, this brought the joyful greeting I would receive when people 
introduced me to someone else:

"Are you the gay Leandro?"
"No, I'm the other one."

My only other experiences with gays were rather brief:

"YOU'RE A NICE GUY, DO YOU HAVE A BROTHER?" - I was told this at a 
party, from one of my girlfriend's gay friends.  I didn't get it right 
away; in fact, my first expression was "wha?"
Eventually, halfway through the dinner, when the little gears in my head 
had finished rotating, and finally combined the comment he'd made with 
him being gay, I looked at him and started laughing (he and everyone 
else at the table returned the same look I had previously).

"NICE SHIRT" - This one was a bit my fault.  I was looking for a 
particular magazine which the local store I used to go to discontinued 
carrying.  Desperate, after searching several bookstores, including "The 
World's Biggest Bookstore" (which usually has every possible 
unimaginable magazine on the face of the earth) didn't have it, I began 
entering just about anything that had any relation to the world of 
monthly publications.

As I enter the last store, I started looking left and right for the 
hobby section.  I am greeted by the usual stuff that sits on the shelves 
that you can find at a 7/11.  The next row of shelving contained what 
probably was the biggest variety of raunchy pornographic magazines.  
Realizing that this was definitely not the type of "modelling" I had in 
mind, I ask the guy at the counter if he has any idea who sells this 
particular magazine I have been looking for.

"I'm sorry, I have no idea who carries that."
Then he rewards me with a big smile and a wink as he says "Nice shirt".
He passes me his business card, which I grab.

Now, none of this clicked in while it happened.  I thanked him, grabbed 
the card and walked out of the store upset that I couldn't find the 
magazine.  The whole process of being hit on didn't occur to me until 
later that day, when I had finally found a store that sold what I 
wanted.

Okay.  So I am slow.  And to think, I was wearing an old high school t-
shirt.

"NO MORE MISTER SUCKI SUCKI" - Gerrard Square is a mall that--had it 
been situated in the middle of NYC's Bronx--probably would've had better 
clientele.  With a tavern across from it, and a railway bridge on the 
other where many deals went on, it seemed that the mall was the perfect 
place for folks to cause trouble.

The security guard at Gerrard Square introduced me to Mr. Sucki Sucki in 
the most wonderful way.  We entered the public washroom on our usual 
routine to ensure that everyone had left the mall after it had closed.  
We did it together, because it gave us a chance to better defend 
ourselves from the maniacs that sometimes lurked around there.

Usually the washrooms were empty by the time the mall closed, but not 
this time.  There was a strange moaning sound from stall number 3.  We 
tip-toed to the door, and since the dividers were not all that tall, we 
took a look over, to see what was going on.
There were two oriental men, one performing oral sex on the other.
The receiver, scared, jumps up and runs away (we later caught him 
downstairs trying to open the doors which we had diligently locked 
before our routine inspection) while the giver was just sitting there 
with a stunned look on his face.  He looked at us and said:
"Ah, no moe' sucki sucki?"
Nope.  No more.

"I WISH CANADIAN TIRE SOLD FAKE PUSSIES SO I COULD FUCK YOU WITH ONE" - 
He was my last experience.  Mr Rana, or so he introduced himself to me, 
had been following me since my first job at Gerrard Square mall, a place 
where both IMPROV and I share many memories.  When he discovered I got a 
new job at no frills, he happened to shop there every day and would 
follow me around the aisle talking incessantly about his life, and how 
great he was.

A few days of this and I couldn't take it anymore, so I asked him "Why 
do you follow me constantly and tell me all this stuff?  I don't care.  
What do you want?"
"Oh Leo, you don't know how much I love you.  I've been following you 
since you worked at Gerrard Square in that handsome mall uniform.  I 
just wish Canadian Tire sold fake pussies so I could fuck you with one".

I just stood there motionless as if someone had hit the Pause button.  
No thoughts crossed my mind.  I was "Did I just hear that?"

Unfortunately for him, my manager, who was coming to talk to me, heard 
him as well.  My manager had the courtesy to show him where the exit 
was, and asked him never to come back.  Although I was grateful, my 
manager kept laughing about it for several weeks.

I'll end this with a comment on homophobia.  Am I homophobic?  I don't 
know.  I enjoyed the company and talking to my girlfriend's gay friend, 
but for sure I did not like the "fake pussy" comment.  Does this mean I 
am homophobic?  No, I doubt it.  I think that the latter event falls in 
the same category as if an extremely ugly girl came up to me and said 
she was interested in a roll in the hay.  I'd probably run away 
screaming just the same.

-------------------------------------------

5.  "Speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog."
By Jeff Wright

	Insults among friends.  Most are somehow, accusations of being 
gay, a "faggot", "cocksmoker", "fudge packer" or one of the million 
other derogatory names for gays.  I've got nothing against gays 
whatsoever (I know that sounds like the classic homophobe trying to hide 
his hatred for gays by sound politically correct, but it's not).  
Whether a person is homosexual or heterosexual means nothing in regard 
to that person's worth as a human being.  That's their sexual 
orientation and they have no say in it.  Anyways, back to what I was 
saying about friends calling each other "faggots" and whatnot.  I think 
the 2 main reasons behind it are the following:

1) The image of going against your sexual preference is not appealing 
(it's downright repellent).  For a guy to suck another guy off, or for a 
woman to eat another woman out, that would be horrible and disgusting if 
that person is straight.  It's similar to when someone calls another 
person a "motherfucker".  It's repulsive to think about having sex with 
your mother.  The combination of this (for a guy, that's what I am, so 
that's what I know) is to say that someone fucks their father.  It's a 
combination of the gay image, and of an incestual image.  

2) The knowledge that there are many people in the world who don't like 
gays.  So that on top of #1 (just above this one), makes calling someone 
who doesn't like gays, an insult that will get a reaction, and is 
therefore very funny.

	Oh, and by the by, yes I do partake in calling people "fags", 
"cocklickers", and other names of the sort.  But let it be said that I 
don't say it to those who I know or assume to be gay (not that I claim 
you can spot a person who is gay 100% of the time, but you can most of 
the time so don't give me shit about saying that).  I use it only as a 
good natured insult to my fellow heteros.

Another thing that I find interesting about people's reactions to 
gays are their acceptance of lesbians over gay men.  If someone were to 
ask me if I found the image of two men having sex attractive, my answer 
would be "No".  But if someone was to ask me about the image of two 
women having sex...  I would have to say that yes, I find it very 
attractive, actually DOWNRIGHT HOT.  A friend of mine argued with me 
telling me that lesbians shouldn't be attractive to men because in 
lesbian sex, there's no need for a man.  Fine, it's bad in that respect, 
but I think that may be one of the reasons it's attractive as well.  
When watching porn, when two women are having sex, you've taken the man 
out of the movie.  No more cock or male ass to look at.  Just two 
beautiful women.  That's why I think lesbians are attractive to 
heterosexual men.

I don't know exactly how I should end this article (I didn't know 
what to call it either, so I apologize for the title having very little 
to do with what the article is about).  I just wrote about a couple of 
things related to the issue's topic that weren't really connected.  I 
guess I'll finish the article by saying that I don't think that "Gays 
and Lesbians" is really a topic, so I don't agree with it being made one 
by this issue of CoN.  They're people.  Heterosexuals wouldn't be a 
topic for an issue, so why would homosexuals?

(NOTE TO THE EDITOR:  Leo, if you make next issue's topic 
"Heterosexuals", I'll kick your fag ass!!!)

-------------------------------------------

6.  CoN at the Movies

Movie Recommendations
By Jeff Wright

Firstly, I'd like to take this time to apologize for my article in last 
issue.  It was shit, and I didn't have time to realize it before sending 
it in since I was writing last minute.  Sorry.  Anyways, on with the 
movie suggestions.
 
CHASING AMY

Writer/Director Kevin Smith's last film (OOOOOOHHH I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL 
DOGMA!!!!!!!!!) is also his best so far.  Its script should have been 
nominated for an Oscar and so should have Jason Lee.  The film is very 
successful in doing what is one of the hardest things to do in film; 
mixing comedy with drama.  
THE STORY: Holden (Ben Affleck) and Banky (Jason Lee) are the creators 
of the popular comic book Bluntman And Chronic.  Their gay friend Hooper 
X (Dwight Ewell), creator of the comic book White Hating Coon (HATING, 
EMMET, HATING!!!) introduces them to Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams), creator 
of the comic book Idiosyncratic Routine.  Holden develops a bit of a 
crush on Alyssa (and who can blame him), and thinks he's really hitting 
it off with her.  But then he finds out that she's "into chicks" in a 
rather harsh manner.  What follows is the development of Holden's 
relationships with Banky and Alyssa, and the investigation of people and 
their obsession with sexual histories.  

HEAVENLY CREATURES

Director Peter Jackson's film about the real life events of Juliet 
Hulme, and Pauline Reaper is a departure film, and also his best to this 
point.  Jackson is best known for gore/comedy films, and HC was a shock 
to everyone in the industry (well those who knew who Jackson was).  The 
film recounts the relationship between Juliet (Kate Winslet) and Pauline 
(Melanie Lynsky sp?).  I'm not going to go into the plot, because I wish 
I had been able to see it without knowing what it's about (the last act 
of the film is what people focus on when describing the film).  So if 
you want to see a fantastic drama, just trust me and rent it.  Don't 
read the back of the box though (It won't ruin the film, but by not 
reading it, you'll enhance your enjoyment of the film). 

Thanks for reading,
Jeff

-------------------------------------------

CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org.

We are not Queer Nasty...  that's another e-zine.

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome

http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

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