Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume IV, Issue 11, AD MCMXCIX
Monday, July 19, 1999
ISSN 1482-0471
-------------------------------------------

"Those women were carrying a giant penis.  I'm glad I saw that.  That 
made my night.  No matter what else happens tonight, it doesn't matter 
because I saw those women carrying a giant penis."

-------------------------------------------

"I remember one time I found out why it was always the left testicle 
but not the right.  `I bet my left testicle', but you never bet your 
right one.  So one day I decided to write it down, and I realized I 
forgot why.  I was so pissed off."

-------------------------------------------

1.  Editorial
2.  Reading the (Obscene) Handwriting on the Wall
3.  You don't eat, or sleep, or mow the lawn...
4.  Squishy, bunchy, and having the time of their lives

-------------------------------------------

This week's Golden Testicle award:

Eat shit: Hermine's Prank E-mails.

http://www.yankthechain.com/prankemail/prankemail.html

-------------------------------------------

1. Editorial
By CoN Staff

WELCOME TO ISSUE 11 of CoN.  For as much as I hate stupid commercials, 
I find myself here mentioning one that was rather successful in 
catching my attention.  I'm talking about the Calvin Klein One (cKone) 
advertising that has to interrupt trailers during a movie 
presentation.  It features starving looking kids looking in the camera 
or talking on the phone and saying really stupid things about the 
other kids that they, apparently, interact with on the Internet.  As 
they speak, their e-mail address appears.  Some pimply skinny kid with 
a bad hairdo starts saying how he's never going to go out with Tia.  
His address appears: ian@cKone.com.  Tia appears on the screen and 
tells us how she's got the hots for this guy she's never met.  
tia@cKone.com.  I can't really understand what the fuck the rest are 
saying since by the time the other kids appear on the screen, I've got
two of my fingers jammed down my throat.

Now, since the perfume is not mentioned anywhere in the ad, what's the 
exact idea behind the advertising?  Is it some new c00l way to have 
all those eLiTe l00zers out there run out and buy the perfume, since 
it's what cyber-dorks wear while sitting on IRC and talking about how 
great George Romero's ass smells?  Makes you wonder.  And the 
"actors"?  I bet these great talented kids featured in that ad have 
stopped going to the movies in order to avoid an angry mob from 
breaking every bone in their juvenile body and stuffing bags of pop-
corn in every possible orifice.

But curiosity got the best of me, so I decided to write to one of the 
addresses that appears on their retarded advertising.  I write to Tia.  
I wanted to see if I'd get some weird promotional automated message on 
how cKone is the perfume for the real cyber-losers that surf the net 
looking for Sailor Moon homage pages.

Instead I get a really weird reply back.  It's, apparently, Tia, 
writing on how she is in love with Ian, and she wants me to check on 
him to make sure he loves her back.  No mention of the perfume, or 
anything, just the reference of Calvin Klein in the address.  At the 
bottom it says to write "Leave me alone" in the subject if you are 
tired of Tia or any of the other fuck-wits you had the misfortune to 
write to.  I pretty much was already.

Curious to find more information about this weird idea, I go to 
www.cKone.com.  The url works, but instead of being greeted by Calvin 
Klein propaganda, I get an error.  Great, you got me hooked on going 
to your site, and this is what you provide me with?  What the fuck 
were the marketing geniuses down at Calvin Klein HQ thinking, anyway?

I decide to look a bit further into this, and searching at the headers 
of Tia's message, it seems that the e-mail actually was generated by 
Echomail.com.  Echomail is a business that as a service, replies to 
the e-mails for your company.  cKone's logo is among the many to which 
Echomail provides a service to.

Can you picture this?  The lucky guy in the cubicle across from you 
gets to reply to some obscure e-mails about pet-care, while you have 
to sit there and write fiction about some lame-ass characters that 
appear in between movie trailers.

Of course no information about their client can be found, and not one 
of my queries sent to Echomail got answered... sounds like Echomail 
needs someone to check and reply to their e-mails...

Angie C. writes:
 
>     "...all worshippers of the goat will be rewarded when the
>     goats finally initialize their plan of world domination.  the
>     goats are all plotting against you, you must act fast and join
>     them in their malicious journey to total power.  only through
>     honoring thy goat shall ye be saved." (Source: 
>     http://www.enetis.net/~vice/goat , from the Tickle-Me-Satan
>     Coglione d'oro) 
>
>     Yo, Leo, does this Coglione d'oro have anything to do with your
> animal of choice? (and here i thought it was just a sexual
> preference) 
>
>     and a huge THANK YOU to IGNORE the HYPE for sharing his views
> on Star Wars Episode 1.  I wasn't knocked out by the film itself,
> but yeah it only took minutes for the first racial 'stereotype' to
> appear (the creatures with Asian accents). Then there was Watto
> (the spare parts dealer).  Why on earth did he have an Italian
> accent?  And of course, JarJar, and all the Gungans, for that
> matter.  Watching them all together (during the parade scene
> especially) made me think 70's, Jimmie Walker-esque stereotypes,
> and, well, i was embarrassed. 
>
>     Most people i know thought JarJar was the highlight of the
> film.  I did not laugh once at his goofy antics and i remember
> being embarrassed for those who did. 


The charred remains of J. Bell smolder:

> Leo: 
>
>     Nice editorial there.  I would bitch you out for disgracing me
> to your millions of subscribers, but I'll take the butt end of an
> editorial if it'll make just one moron (such as BJ Sutton) realize
> that he's not the king of the keenly intelligent, and that maybe
> he's just another moron that should never make another attempt at
> correcting someone just because he's jealous of their success at a
> publication and their wit that makes them look even wiser and more
> hip than himself.  Plus, it's not like I know any of your
> subscribers anyhow. 
>
>     By the way, I do question Mr. Sutton's classification of the
> worlds.  You can't up the worlds geographically.  Just because
> you're in eastern Europe doesn't mean you're in a second world
> country.  And, he obviously thinks Japan is a funny ol' bug eating
> country.  I don't think he'd agree that some funny ol' bug eaters
> makes a shit load of America's (and Canada's I assume) vehicles and
> audio/video equipment. 
>
>     There, Mr. Sutton, I tried your technique of correcting some
> half- efforted reply to an editorial just to make myself look
> smarter and better than you and the rest of the CoN readers and
> editors.  I don't think it floats my boat quite as well as it did
> yours. 
>
>     So, I guess my reply to this issue will be left at that.  Put
> it in the next CoN at let someone else have their try at tearing it
> apart if you wish.  Also, I can't believe I missed out on the
> lashing... surely my mistake of not being up to Sutton's standards
> was worth a lashing with the editors. Damn... 
>
>     Golden crisp (from my burning at the stake, of course), 
>
>     J. Bell 


Gregoire Seither, defends France and it's national viewing 
entertainment:

> Hey, I'm French and I love CoN so stop hitting us a whole !!!! 
>
> Besides BJ Sutton doesn't sound like a french name.... 
>
> And you should watch french movies more often, the Jerry Lewis
> craze has been over long ago....  Come on !!!! 

You're right and CoN apologizes.  Quoting a latter e-mail from B.J. 
Sutton:

>     BJ:  I've heard this Jerry Lewis/French connection theory
>     before. You've obviously been gathering information about
>     another culture by listening to tee-wee comics, who speak from
>     the safety of their little box.  Better to go to the source. 
>     If you had spent any time at all in France, you'd know that who
>     we *really* like is Benny Hill. 

This marks the end of this Editorial.  To send your comments, just hit 
reply to this issue.  To unsubscribe, read the instructions at the end 
of the issue.  If you write UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject and mail it to 
us, you will be made fun of in the next editorial.  If you fail to 
spell unsubscribe correctly, you will never be able to remove yourself 
from this zine.  Our next issue will be about those annoying fucks 
that have to share their awesome intellect and ego with the rest of us 
over the Internet.  Enjoy this issue.

-------------------------------------------

2.  Reading the (Obscene) Handwriting on the Wall

By Jason MacIsaac

I'm a great connoisseur of literature of all kinds.  My favourite 
author is George Orwell, who was a strong advocate of good writing and 
the preservation of the English language.  But he wasn't a snob, and 
had a strange fascination for what might be called the "lower" forms 
of writing.  George had a strange interest in postcards with raunchy 
jokes that could be bought from newstands during his days.  

Me, I like to peruse the kind of prose that's written on bathroom 
walls when I'm not reading Orwell.

I'm talking about the good stuff, obviously.  Yes, there is good and 
bad bathroom graffiti.   Any moron with a pen can write "Such and such 
is an asshole," or old stuff like "Beware of the gay limbo dancers" 
but it takes wit to write "If you voted Conservative you can't shit 
here, your asshole's at Queen's Park."  (Insert political party and 
seat of local power to modify for your area).

When I went to university, I saw some of the best vandalism ever.  

For the first year of my program Radio and Television department 
shared a building with Engineering.  If you've been to university, the 
loudest group is always the Engineers.  The Engineers are perpetually 
at war with the Humanities departments, or "Artsies" if you prefer.  
Engineers usually refer to them as "Artsy Fartsies."  Ryerson isn't 
structured like a regular university, though.  It does of course have 
Humanities, but most of the programs there are for more hands-on 
vocations.  RTA was the closest thing to Artsies that the Engineers 
had to gang up on.  It's ironic really, became some of RTA was really 
technical and business-oriented, and there were plenty of people who 
didn't fit the Artsy archetype.  There were some Bona Fide Artsies, 
with blue hair and pierced nipples (my Artsy status was revoked 
because I refused to have a hot pin jabbed through my foreskin) but 
not an overwhelming number of students were hardcore artsies.  For 
some reason, the Engineers didn't want to go after the Film or Drama 
departments, which fit the Artsy bill more than we did.  Maybe it was 
because we were so conveniently close.  We did after all, share a set 
of washrooms.

And in one stall, the door was *covered* completely in a transcript of 
the war between RTA and Engineering.  There was some great stuff in 
that stall.  The Engineers like to substitute the words of the RTA 
acronym, such as "Ryerson Transvestite Association."  Sometimes they 
would write stuff like "I'm gay and I like RTA because they have 
Really Tight Asses." 

I'm biased here, but I really have to say that I thought the RTA 
counterattacks were more stinging and more imaginative.  For example, 
the toilet paper holder was labeled "Ryerson Engineering Degrees--Take 
one."  Engineers seemed to focus a lot on physical threats.  When one 
RTAer wrote "When you Engineers come home after a hard day of building 
bridges and pay your cable bill, you'll finance our 3rd Porsche and 
we'll drive it all over your stupid bridges."  A bit of an 
exaggeration, as only Julie (see "Random Reminisces of Radio and 
Television, CoN issue ****) has that kind of cash, having clouded the 
minds of three oil sheiks and a handful of banana republic dictators 
into giving her their wealth, but it was still stinging anyway.  One 
angry Engineer wrote back "If I knew where you were, I'd kick your 
ass" or words to that effect.  To which the RTAer responded "But you 
don't, do you?"

A friend of mine gained a minor bit of notoriety when one of his 
scratchings actually got mentioned in the Eye Opener, the school 
newspaper.  The EO was doing an article on vandalism, noting what kind 
of vandalism could be found where in the school.  Now, before I tell 
you what he wrote, I have to explain that Ryerson's mascot is a ram, 
nick-named Eggy.  There have been about five Eggys or so, and the last 
I heard there was talking of abandoning the whole thing due to 
financial constraints of keeping a live ram, and animal rights 
pressure.  During my time though, there was a live ram for a mascot... 
God knows where it was kept.  

I believe the EO article went something like this:

"The Quad:  We've discovered that apparently, Engineers and RTA don't 
like each other (`ENGINEERS FUCKED EGGY')"

The sexual habits/orientation of the Engineers were an easy target for 
us.  Homosexuality seemed to be a sore spot for them.  Most 
Engineering departments have a reputation for being homophobic, so a 
lot of the homoerotic stuff was directed their way to aggravate them.  
I have no idea if our Engineers were homophobic.  There wasn't any 
incident that I'm aware of to suggest that they were.  Still, that 
didn't stop it from being amusing.

During one exchange of insults, someone wrote "Why can't RTAs and 
Engineers get along?"  Underneath someone wrote "Right on.  Engineers 
have nice tight asses and big juicy cocks."  Some had written a 
homosexual slur underneath this, but there was no indication as to 
which department it came from.  This may have made the Engineers 
uncomfortable, but it was nothing compared to stating that Engineers 
were suffering from a total lack of sexual habits/orientation.  One of 
the best and boldest comments was:

"All right, let's get this straight.  RTA: 60% women.  All babes.  
Engineering:  5 women who look like Zorba.  We RTAs make out like 
bandits!"

In another washroom at Rye, there was a great example of a rare kind 
of vandalism--a continuing thread, started by one person and adapted 
and expanded by many others.  

It started with a tiny pock mark above the urinals.  Someone had 
noticed the mark, circled it with a black pen, and wrote "Spot" on the 
wall.

Then, someone else had drawn a line to the word spot, and wrote "Spot 
label."

Then, someone else had drawn a line to the words "Spot Label," and 
wrote "Spot label Indicator."

My memory is foggy at this point, so I don't know how it all 
unraveled.  I believe at this point someone had written "Knock it off 
you idiots" under the spot.  Someone then drew a line to that comments 
and wrote "Jag Bhudaria remark["] (a local MP at the time).  

Someone then labeled this "Political Commentary."  Someone else 
labeled the same remark "Weak comment pertaining to current events."

"Weak comment pertaining to current events" was labeled "Opposing 
view/rebuttal."  Soon, a large section of the wall was covered with 
this stuff.  All from one little spot.  

I actually once copied this whole thing down on paper.  Sadly, I don't 
know where that paper is, otherwise I'd scan it and post it online.

I also like vandalism on top of vandalism, when someone writes one 
thing and then someone else writes a rebuke or changes the meaning of 
what was originally written.  I particularly like this when some 
writes something sexist or unimaginative.  For example, I saw someone 
write "If a girl won't suck your cock, put some coke or hash on it!  
She'll go `nuts'"  (Goddamn, I hate it when people use quotation marks 
incorrectly too.  That really pisses me off.).  Someone had inserted 
words so that it read "If a girl won't suck your cock, put some diet 
coke or hash browns on it!"

Making fun of religious commentary is great too.  At a local 
restaurant near where I live, a bathroom stall has big block letter 
vandalism declaring "JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS."  Why zealots want to 
spread the word of Christ in a bathroom stall is beyond me, but 
anyway.  Two people had struck back at this one.  The first guy did 
some editing so that it read "BOBBY ORR DIED FOR YOUR SHINS."  Someone 
else wrote the stinging rebuttal to the original comment: "SO DID LAKE 
ERIE, MORON."

Words aren't the only things you'll find of course.  A lot of drawings 
make their way on to bathroom walls, particularly of genitalia.  Back 
at school, someone had drawn an erect penis.  Although the image was 
huge and took up nearly half of the stall door, another smart guy had 
drawn a ruler to indicate that the penis measured just 0.6 inches.  

Written next to the penis drawing where the words "Suck me and get me 
off!"    Someone else, apparently not objecting to the concept of 
fellatio per say, but at issue with this particular erection, wrote 
"Fuck off, it's pointing down."  And indeed, he drew attention to the 
fact the penis was pointing at 180 degree angle from the base of the 
stomach, which is unusual.  

Penises protruding at unusual angles aside, there's really one more 
subject to touch upon--my own vandalism.  So far, I have been mainly 
an observer.  I haven't really done much to contribute to the world of 
graffiti.  However, I do have plans.  Occasionally, you'll see posters 
for pet care products that show a cute little doggy looking out 
innocently at you.  I've been dying to write a word balloon that says 
"What the fuck are you looking at?" on them.  So if you're in the 
Toronto area and you happen to see a subway poster so marked, you'll 
know that Jason Was Here.

For a good time, call Jason MacIsaac at 555-3244.  He'll do anything!

-------------------------------------------

3.  You don't eat, or sleep, or mow the lawn... Just you know what all 
day long.
by Jeff Wright

It's been a pretty lackluster year for films so far, but the 
summer season is starting to pick up and is producing some pretty good 
flics (before the summer hit, the only good film I saw was eXistenZ).  
The first summer flic that impressed me was Run Lola Run (Lola Rennt), 
a german action flic that's just a ball of energy somehow captured on 
film.  The next was Austin Powers 2, which while being very funny, 
still wasn't top 10 list material.
 
  The South Park movie was released close to two weeks ago, and is 
an all out brilliant comedy.  What makes the movie better than the 
show?  I don't know if anything really does.  I still feel that the 
show is constantly putting out funnier, and smarter episodes each week 
(did you see that Jar Jar episode?!?!?!)  The movie is funnier than 
the average episode.  What makes it funnier is that it's free to 
swear, make jokes about failed abortions, let you hear a bit of anal 
sex, etc.  Things that just aren't permittable on tv.  What this does 
is ups the ante on how far Trey Parker and Matt Stone can go.  It 
turns any saftey switch that the tv show may have, right off.  If 
you're a fan of the show, this is a good thing.  If you aren't, well I 
doubt you'll get much out of the movie, though some non-fans have 
enjoyed it much more than the show.

  The film's plot is this:  Canadian actors, Terence and Philip, 
who's tv show is a favourite amongst the South Park children, release 
a film.  Said film is rated R, and contains very naughty language.  
After viewing the film, the children of South Park speak like a young 
Eddie Murphy.  Lead by Kyle's fat bitch mom, start a war against 
Canada.

  There are other subplots, but them's be the basics.  It sounds 
ridiculous, and it is.  With the subplots, it's even wackier.  The 
bottom line is that South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut is full of 
some of the biggest laughs I've ever been [privileged] to watch on film.  
As of now, South Park is on the top of my 10 best list for the year.  
I urge you to go see it, and not only because it's an unbelievebly 
crude and hillarious comedy, but also because it's a very intelligent 
satire of society's blaming of film for it's problems.  Go see it!  I 
haven't even told you about the musical numbers.  I did that because 
they're brilliant and need to be seen and heard.

  What shouldn't you see right now?  Three words:  Summer Of Sam.  
Spike Lee's film is one of the sloppiest films I've ever seen made by 
a big league, talented director.  I don't even want to go into what 
makes this movie so terrible.  But I'll tell you that if it weren't 
for Episode One, this piece of shit would be my pick for the year's 
worst film.  

  Already seen South Park 3 times like me, and you want something 
new to see?  Well I just saw American Pie last night, and was really 
surprised.  It's really funny, has well developed (though a bit 
cliched) characters, and the acting is wonderfully natural.  It's one 
of the best teen comedies I've seen.

  Oh, and nobody forget that Eyes Wide Shut opens on Friday.  Go 
see it opening weekend.  Make his last film, his most successful.

_______________

Jeff's making a movie next month.  If you live in Toronto or there 
about, want to be in it, or help out behind the scenes, e-mail him at: 
abu@pathcom.com 


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4.  Squishy, bunchy, and having the time of their lives
By Melissa De Wilde

Okay.  I know most of my readers are male, but I'm a Girl, so bare 
with me.  If you get grossed out at women being frank don't read this. 

Okay, girls and brave males.  The other day I was looking through the 
coupons in the Sunday paper, and I saw some for pads.  I can't 
remember the specifics. 

At the top of the page was a group of women all smiling.  I looked at 
them and thought, "Wait a second.  That's not right."  If they were 
really on the rag, I'll bet they wouldn't be smiling.  I mean come on!  
They're wet, they've got a pad the size of a pillow in their pants, 
they've probably got cramps, a backache, and are feeling a bit bitchy.  
They're not going to be smiling. Unless they're getting paid a lot.  
Which I doubt.  So I'll bet the photographer is pretty damn funny.

So let's think about this. He's probably not a comedian because, as we 
said before, a company that sells cotton and sawdust can't afford one.  
So he's probably really shy about his comedy.  I think that he's got 
to have a great collection of jokes to make a bunch of P.M.S.-y models 
smile.  And I think it's unfair that he's not sharing his gift with 
the rest of the world.  I mean, this guy must be great!  He should go 
to some clubs and be discovered!  We could always use another great 
comedy mind!

And he wouldn't be a lewd man talking about his wife and mother-in-law 
or scratching himself and sports because his act would have been 
perfected on a bunch of P.M.S.-y models!  He'd be the perfect stand-up 
act for women and the men who need to know how to keep them from 
them!!

Now I'm pissed at him.  Why isn't he on tour?  He's keeping his talent 
for the beautiful and non-modest tampon ad models!  Well, not so much 
beautiful as hard up for money.  Cause I sure wouldn't be in one of 
those ads.  Well, if they paid me enough, but, once again, we've been 
through this. Anyhow, we should find that guy!  And force him to make 
the cranky masses of women LAUGH! Someone should call Conan.  Get the 
word out.  Man-hunt.  

Post-Script.  Modelling for pads isn't as bad as doing a yeast 
infection cure commercial.  

Okay, sorry guys, but I had to get that out.

_______________

Melissa De Wilde has an ezine called Deep Freeze that she and her best 
friend write during drug-induced frenzies.  You can subscribe to Deep 
Freeze by writing to deepfreeze42@yahoo.com with the words "subscribe" 
scribbled anywhere within it.  You can also visit them online at:
http://www.homestead.com/deepfreeze/index.html

-------------------------------------------

CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org.

Do you have your Green Hornet decoder ring?  -- B.J. Sutton

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome

http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

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