Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume IV, Issue 16, AD MCMXCIX
Wednesday, November 17, 1999
ISSN 1482-0471
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The stone cannot know
Why the chisel cleaves it;

The iron cannot know
Why the fire scorches it;

When thy life is cleft and scorched
When death and despair leap at thee;

Beat not thy breast
And curse thy evil fate;

But thank the builder
For the trials that shape thee.

-- Keepers Annals

-------------------------------------------

"I still believe that the American legal system at the end of the day 
will recognize that Microsoft's innovations and behaviour were 
completely fair and brought tremendous benefits to millions of 
consumers"
 
-- Bill Gates is a moron.

-------------------------------------------

1.  Editorial
2.  The Least Powerful People in Hollywood
3.  Dogmatic Raw
4.  Drug Underdose
5.  Anime sucks!
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This week's Golden Testicle award:

Insert dick in drive A: and stroke any key when ready...

http://www.fufme.com

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1. Editorial
By CoN Staff

T- "So, I understand you'd like to work with our company?"

M- "Yes.  I believe I am qualified in the position you have".

T- "I see.  And what qualifications do you have?"

M- "Well, I like to shave my testicles, and those of my goats.  I also 
have great experience in networking, by putting two computers in the 
same room. I think that ribee-ding ding ayee ayee argh.  In my last 
job I realized that my sole purpose in life was to make my bosses life 
as miserable as possible, and was very good at it, too".

T- "Fascinating.  What is your education?"

M- "I drove by Harvard Medical School in 1997.  I also saw a flier of 
the Michigan Institute of Technology.  I slept during my New Media 
course in Centennial College".

T- "Excellent!  You are hired!"

M- "Brussel sprouts!"

T- "I understand your excitement.  We are a young and strong company.  
When can you start?"

M- "Hey mucho burro ali`".

T- "Perfect.  It has been a pleasure".

-------------------------------------------

2. THE LEAST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD
By Improv

In light of Entertainment Weekly's recent "Power List" that outlined 
the 100 most powerful figures in Hollywood, I thought I'd reveal the 
underbelly of entertainment industry.  So here are IMPROV'S 17 LEAST 
POWERFUL PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD:


17.  Alan Thicke - the former Dr. Jason Seaver just has no one to 
listen to him anymore...except that kid who played his son, Ben. And 
let's not forget "Thicke of the Night" a talk show that was reportedly 
so awful that upon seeing a taping of the first episode, Thicke 
fainted dead away.

16.  Eddie Rabbit - no one really cares that he "Loves a Rainy Night."

15.  Danny Pintaro  (Jonathan from Who's the Boss) - his coming out of 
the closet was not only truly shocking, but detrimental to his career.

14.  Rodney Dangerfield - not only does he get no respect, but no one 
listens either.

13.  William Shatner's Barber - cause he doesn't exist... Get it?! 
Cause he's BALD.HA!!

12.  Tony the Tiger - his cereal may be Greeaaat! But he's constantly 
hindered for his refusal to accept that he's just a cartoon.

11.  Nell Carter - cause she's fat.

10.  Anybody who has ever appeared on Full House - self-explanatory.

9.  Russian Prime Minister Boris Yeltsin - he's not actually in 
Hollywood but he has no power anywhere.

8.  Rick Springfield - Jessie's Girl may be one of the greatest songs 
ever written, but still.

7.  The guy who played the father on Silver Spoons - the fact that 
even a t.v. geek like me can't remember the guy's name pretty much 
secures his spot on this list.

6.  Steve Guttenberg - Police Academy? Yes... Police Academy 3? No... 
And let's not forget Guttenberg's other fine movies! "Zeus and 
Roxanne", "Can't Stop the Music" and "The Man Who Wasn't There" (in 
3D!)

5.  Any Amish in Hollywood - because they don't believe in power of 
any kind.

4.  Yahoo Serious/Paul Hogan/that `oi guy' - unless 'Yahoo' cashed in 
on the web site and shared with his fellow countrymen.

3.  Seiko - she sang with Donnie Walberg

2.  Dom Deluise - no power for Dom... `nless you count buying power at 
the A&P.

1.  The lead rapper of Snap - lawsuits are still pending, turns out he 
really didn't have "The Power."  

---
IMPROV: not only does he smell pretty, he comes in five designer 
colours!

-------------------------------------------

3.  Dogmatic Raw
by Jeff Wright	

	Writer/Director/Near Silent Actor, Kevin Smith's new film Dogma 
is a terrific satire of organized religion, and the strongest faith 
film I've seen.  It's a hilarious comic book style journey, in which 
all of existence is at risk.

	The basic rundown is this (and I know it is a little complicated 
and long, but I'm really not ruining anything so you can read it):

Bethany, an abortion clinic worker who's faith is lacking, is 
given the task (by The Metatron, the voice of God) of stopping two 
fallen angels, Bartleby and Loki, from entering a New Jersey church on 
a day in which all sins of a person will be washed away if they walk 
through the church's doors.  This day is part of the Catholic Church's 
attempt to contemporize itself in a campaign entitled `CATHOLICISM 
WOW!' led by a Cardinal Glick.  If Bartleby and Loki get through the 
doors, then die, they will be allowed back into Heaven, but will also 
negate existence.  Bethany doesn't have to stop them on her own 
though.  She's helped along the way by Jay and Silent Bob, a couple of 
drug dealers from Jersey with whom fans of Smith's other films will be 
familiar.  Along the way, Bethany, Jay and Bob run into Rufus, the 
13th apostle who was left out of the bible because he's black, and 
Serendipity, a muse who is working at a strip club after her attempt 
to use her ideas for herself failed.  Also involved in the story, are 
Azrael, a demon on a self centered mission of his own, The Golgathon, 
a creature made of excrement, The Styngian Triplets, three teen hockey 
playing demons who work for Azrael, a golden calf named Mooby, and of 
course God!

The film is Smith's love letter to God, and it shows.  I've 
never seen anything this strongly pro-faith before, so when you read 
that it's anti-God, it's a bunch of horseshit!  Smith's made the film 
very accessible by making it a living comic book, full of crude and 
very funny jokes.  

The cast is fantastic.  If ya want, here's the rundown of the 
main players:
Linda Fiorentino
Ben Affleck
Matt Damon
Jason Mewes
Kevin Smith
Chris Rock
Salma Hayek
Alan Rickman
Jason Lee
George Carlin
Alanis Morrisette

Everyone is great, with Affleck being the big stand out.  Also, Alanis 
(in her small amount of screen time) is GREAT!!!  I can't say enough 
about her performance.  It's one of the most enjoyable, and beautiful 
performances I've seen.  It's just so damn good!!!  Anyone who 
criticizes her performance is just being a dick, and doesn't want to 
admit that she's good.

	The film has a relatively slow pace, but it suits it (it's only 
2 hours long with credits, don't worry).  It's a nice pace that gives 
the film a bigger size.  The trek that's made by the characters seems 
bigger and more important thanks to the pace.  The interesting thing 
about the film's pace is that there are A LOT of long dialogues, but 
they're never boring.  Dialogue is what Smith does best, and here he 
is as good as he's been at writing witty dialogue that means something 
underneath its lowbrow skin.

	Dogma is currently my third favourite film of the year, behind 
Fight Club and Being John Malkovich.  The only two films I can see 
beating it out this year are Magnolia and Man On The Moon, so it's 
safe to say that Dogma is one of the year's best, funniest, and 
definitely intelligent films.

P.s.
Stick around for the end of the credits cuz Smith's next film is 
announced.  I'm disappointed by it, and see it as a step back from 
Dogma, but I'll still be there to see it on opening day.

---
Jeff re-watched Batman: The Movie (60's) the other day, and had 
forgotten how damn funny it was.  Don't forget.  Rent or buy it today!

-------------------------------------------

4.  Drug Underdose
By Jason MacIsaac

I have never taken any drugs.

By that I mean what's commonly referred to as "street drugs" or 
"narcotics."  I've never smoked marijuana, never dropped acid, never 
shot up on heroin.  

I don't express this as some kind of badge of honour.  It's just 
simply something I have not done and never intend to do. I determined 
long ago that a person such as me, who's grip on reality is pretty 
slippery to begin with, should not put himself in any altered states 
and loosen it even further.

Which isn't to say I haven't been high. It's actually pretty hard to 
go through life without having your higher reasoning supplanted by 
happy pills or something else your guidance counselor warned you 
about.  If you've ever been to a rock concert, it's pretty much a 
given that you get high.  You don't even need to take your own drugs.  
During one Kim Mitchell concert I attended (I am a wild party!  Ra Ra 
Ole!) there was marijuana smoke coming in from every point on the 
compass.  Just normal breathing was enough to take some in.  Call it a 
second hand high.

The highest I've ever been though was when I went into surgery a few 
years ago to have a few superfluous internal organs yanked out.  They 
gave me some wicked stuff. 

I don't know whether it was the staff meant to kill the pain or the 
stuff to knock me out, but wow.  I saw things that just defy 
description.  I knew they were hallucinations, but that didn't stop me 
from having them.  I knew for example, that a Formula 1 racer couldn't 
possible zoom by my hospital bed.  I also knew that I wasn't really at 
the parking lot across from Maple Leafs Gardens on Carleton, and it 
doesn't have a sidewalk curb that you can pull out and store giant 
dustballs in.  But I no joke, I saw this.  And more.  I knew it wasn't 
real, which is a pity, because the old lady that smiled at me after I 
put away the giant dustball looked very friendly and seemed to be a 
good person to know.

I'm also told my speech was less than coherent.  I can't remember a 
single word I uttered, but I do remember babbling about something.  I 
also remember people I was speaking to looking at me as though I'd 
announced that today was the day I finally fulfilled my lifelong dream 
of stripping naked, painting my body blue and going out to direct 
traffic at the Yonge and Dundas intersection wearing nothing but a 
bowler hat and army boots.  For all I know, that was exactly was I 
saying.  I do remember realizing that I wasn't making sense, and that 
I should probably qualify or clarify my remarks.  For some reason I 
couldn't.  I tried, but all that would come out was another stream of 
weirdness.

As drug users would say, that was some good shit they gave me.

Of course, this was all purely legal stuff prescribed for legitimate 
use by a professional, and it's not quite the same thing as say, 
smoking a joint.  This is one of the reasons I don't really like 
illegal drugs or the culture that goes with them.  The stuff that 
medical science has produced blows anything you can buy off the street 
right off the coke mirror.

For example, there's a drug called Adorax (I'm probably not spelling 
it correctly).  It's prescribed to people with severe skin damage, 
such as 3rd degree burns.  What it does is shuffle the priorities in 
the message centre of your brain.  The sensations that get reported to 
your brain have an order of importance, and normally pain is at the 
top of the list.  The message "There's a slight itch on your forearm, 
perhaps you should scratch it" mosies slowly into the message centre.   
Missives like "Perhaps you should do something about your hair--it 
hurts quite a bit because it's on fire" go screaming past the "itch" 
message and butts in line ahead of even things like "That feels nice--
keep masturbating."

Adorax changes all that.  It pushes pain down to the very bottom of 
the list.  So if someone's been burnt half to death, the message 
centre doesn't have to return 500 calls a second with the reply, "Yes, 
we know, we're healing it right now."  Actually, it pushes most 
messages to the bottom of the list, leaving you to ponder incoming 
data such as "I like trees" and "I can't seem to remember how to walk 
very fast."  Adorax really takes away your pain.  I've never used it 
myself, but I'm told if you try to punch someone who's on Adorax, 
he'll try to block it later in the week.

No street drug does this.  Plus you don't have the additional risk of 
dangerously incompetent preparation of the drug, infected drug 
paraphernalia, and the threat of being arrested.  

There is a movement to legalize what is perceived as "soft" drugs such 
as marijuana.  I'm sure people trying to get Parliament to pass equal 
rights for same sex couples and tougher sentences on serial killers 
and rapists think that the effort is well spent.  

I'm of a mixed mind about it really.  I have no illusions about the 
whole thing, believe me.  I've heard the arguments about alcohol being 
a drug, nicotine being a drug, etc., so why aren't they illegal too?   
I believe that the legalization of drugs would mean one more thing our 
government could tax, and would lead to safety standards so that if 
you do take drugs, at least you know you're not ejecting something 
into you that is two-thirds Javex bleach.  I believe the legalization 
of drugs would mean lower crime rates.  So why do I still oppose the 
legalization of drugs?

Well, mainly because it pisses off lots of high school kids.  You 
know, the kind that consider Jim Morrison lyrics to be "poetry."  The 
kind of middle class kids that think that listening to Lauryn Hill 
gives them intimate knowledge of the experience of blacks in America.  
Anything that can be done to piss off these twits is time well spent 
in my books.  It gets them writing smug little essays and keeps them 
off the streets.  Unfortunately not out of the gene pool, but we're 
working on it.  

There are other proponents of drug legalization, and they are very 
easy to set off.  It's fun.  One little snide comment about drugs and 
they're off ranting about how strong hemp ropes are, and eventually it 
deteriorates into vague, incoherent stuff about fascist money funding 
death squads in country X.  I love this kind of person.  I once told a 
very patriotic Greek man that one you looked at each nation's impact 
on literature, culture, medicine, and science, Canada has played a far 
bigger role than Greece.  

I didn't think a person could actually vomit out of anger, but I was 
wrong.  This occurred about four years ago, and I think he's still 
ranting.  If you like stirring this kind of shit, here's a few more 
good ones to try out: tell an auto-racing fanatic that auto-racing 
isn't a real sport.  Tell a right-wing bigot that Jesus was a Jew 
(this last one is true, too).   Tell a legalize drug advocate that a 
casual marijuana user should be sentenced to 50 years in jail.

As you can see, I like to bait the pro-drug movement.  I will concede, 
however, that they've at least put some thought behind their campaign.  
There is a segment though of the casual user demographic that doesn't 
think at all.

Here's the reality:  certain substances are illegal to own and sell.  
You might not agree with this, but it is the law.  And you will get 
arrested if you're not careful.  Period.

So why do so many casual drug users feel the need to tell me about 
their exploits?  I have had friends who've experimented with drugs and 
tell me about it, but that's different.  Friends are friends and I'm 
not going to call Crimestoppers because they once took one puff from a 
joint.  Why is it though that some people, the moment that you meet 
them, feel the need to talk to you about their drug use?  These are 
not hardcore addicts, but people who use them recreationally.  Cops 
would much rather bust a dealer carrying drugs and a concealed weapon 
than a party of college kids passing a joint, but for fuck's sake if 
you make it obvious, they will come down on you.

I have had no less than four people in recent times come up to me and 
within an hour of meeting me, confess some form of ongoing drug use.  
1)  What makes them think I give a toss; and 2) For fuck's sake, 
hasn't anyone ever heard the phrase "Loose lips sink ships?"  What if 
I DO give a toss and start squealing?

One idiot I met, who worked a total of six hours at my old restaurant 
job, not only told me, but told someone else I worked with.  When he 
had finished talking about himself, he asked my coworker about her 
aspirations.  She told him how she wanted to be a police officer and 
how she was enrolled a law enforcement program.  It then occurred to 
Mr. Genius that perhaps he shouldn't have shot his mouth off.  He 
asked her how he could be certain that she wouldn't tell anyone about 
his revelation.

"You can't," she informed him.  When the shift was over, she went to 
the manager, and he was dismissed.  

These people seem to assume that secretly, everybody is doing drugs.  
Well, nobody is an angel, and many people are into something that 
they'd rather everyone else not know about.  Lots of these people are 
smart enough though to not talk about it to people they don't know.  
Mr. Genius and his ilk are carrying on as though drugs were legal.  
Even if drugs were legalized tomorrow, there will still me a stigma 
attached to them.  It may be legal, but it's not something you'll want 
to bring up at say, a job interview.  Don't drug users understand 
this?

Here's a better example.  At this same restaurant a customer came in, 
and accidentally left behind what's known as a "dime bag."  He came 
back and asked for it as though he'd left behind his umbrella.  
Apparently he was utterly confident that it would be here and happily 
returned.  I don't believe he actually got it back.  Not because we 
turned it over to the police (it would have served him right if they'd 
been waiting for him when he got back) but because it was snagged by 
another employee.

"A dime bag of marijuana," she said.  "This is the best tip I've ever 
got."

And they say drugs make you paranoid.  Nope, as far as I can see they 
make you dangerously trusting. 

In a way, drugs are like religions to me.  I'm not part of it but I'm 
aware it's done, don't mind it as long as it's not hurting someone 
else, and I want people to keep theirs away from me unless I ask.  I 
could add a pretentious quote about opium by Marx here, but I won't.  
I can't cosy up to Marx, I'd rather piss him off.  It's a pity he's 
dead.  I kinda like to ask him how he plans to commemorate the death 
of Princess Diana.

---
Jason MacIsaac was born in a crossfire hurricane and howled at his ma 
in the driving rain. But it's all right now, in fact, it's a gas.

-------------------------------------------

5.  Anime Sucks!
by Goat "I'm not bitter" boy

The Pokemon movie has arrived, and I can just shiver in horror, as for 
some reason, which someone has yet to explain to me, I'll be seeing it 
on Tuesday (actually tonight, we didn't see that.  We saw Princess 
Mononoke.  I think the Gods felt pity on us, and made sure we'd miss 
Poketurd. -Ed).  I can't deny that I am a little disappointed that the 
slaughter scene was left out.  Apparently this movie was made from 
slicing 3 original Japanese ones, and by removing all the bad bits 
(where the bad, well-spoken MewTwo Pokemon goes into a frenzy of 
dikplay and trips everyone's nuts in a bath of blood).  I would've 
given my left nut to see that scene, and to hear the kids scream in 
the theatre.  Ah, twell, as Morbus says.

Anyway, as Power Rangers killed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds, as Sailor 
Moon killed Power Rangers, Pokemon killed Sailor Moon, I can just sit 
back and wait,to see what will kill Pokemon.  I can already picture 
our already full landfills filled with Pokemon paraphernalia.

I hate anime`.  I was raised with anime`, and next to a dubbed version 
of Rocket Robin Hood, anime` was the next best thing to that and a 
giant enema.  I don't know if it's a common thing in Europe, but in 
Italy, even now, you flip on the channel and you can find re-runs of 
all the blasted anime` cartoons that I hadto endure.

There were generally three types of cartoons, the ones for girls, the 
ones for boys and ones that just made no sense.  The ones for girls 
were divided further down in two categories: girl (or something), 
looking for either mother, father, uncle, whatever, in some remote 
part of the world other than Japan.  At least once in the episode, her 
eyes would start to wobble and then streams of water would erupt.  You 
could tell someone was about to cry in Japanime` because their eyes 
wobbled.  The girl never found what she was looking for, until the 
very last episode (the last of several zillion).  If you missed an 
episode, or far that matter, all of them, it would've been just the 
same.

The other kind of cartoon for girls was the one of some 7 year old who 
could mutate into someone or something else.  Think Sailor Moon was a 
new concept?  Ah, think again.  They just got lucky because they wear 
short skirts, but as far as originality goes, they are not the first 
on line.

Boys had a large variety of robots to pick from: Mazinga, then later 
Mazinga Z, Daiton, Voltron and a bunch more (like Star Blazers and the 
former Yamato, now called Argo).  The series varied between episodes 
or stories that one sometimes confused which robot you were looking 
at.

Aliens with a fashion sense that looked bad even in the 70s, would 
send in a robot.  Robot would kick some civilian ass.  They would look 
at the bad robot, have the ultra long "let's get into our robot, aha!" 
sequence, go into a fight with the robot, and in the end, use the same 
powerful weapon they use in every episode to slice, cut, Julian fries 
the enemy robot.

There would be that dramatic pause you only see in Japanese cartoons 
as everyone just stands there, then light starts to flicker out of the 
bad robot and Boom! So much for reliable alien technology.

The witty, snotty little kid of the group would say something not even 
remotely funny, and everyone would laugh.  Every episode was like 
this!  Why not use the ultra-powerful weapon right away?  Or the 
snotty little kid?

Cartoons that made no sense were like "Ken the Warrior" (yeah and Bob 
the Samurai).  He had a small head, a gigantic body and he'd go around 
touching punks (you know, spiked hair, leather jackets), and they 
would explode.  I remember one episode, he kills a whole bunch of 
punks, then he touches another one, and he says "You have seven 
seconds to live, aha! You will tell me where you evil leader is, aha!" 
and the guy does.  I would've flipped my bird and said, very calmly: 
"Fuck you, Ken".  I digress.

There was one which was solely about soccer.  I don't remember the 
name.  I just remember that the episode started, something important 
would happen (the enemy team has a new goalie and you can't see his 
face because it's covered by his hair! Therefore he must be good - 
more on this later).  Then they would play soccer for what seemed an 
eternity (you'd have to endure scenes like the main player running for 
the opposite net.  He'd never get there.  He'd be running, those weird 
lines that appear only in Japanimation screaming around him, 
occasionally jumping over the opposite team players that would, one by 
one, try to get the ball from him. In the distance, the goalie-net 
would appear, slowly emerging from behind the horizon line, as if 
planet earth was that small.  The drama and all, I `pose.  Maybe this 
took place on one of the smaller moons of Mars, but if that had been 
the case, they all would've died rather quickly. I digress, I'm sorry.  
Anyway, half an hour later (as the episode is about to end and you 
endure way too many commercials on the latest GIJOE dolls), our hero 
(with names like Mirko, Ken, Mikai, etc.), would win.  Just like 
episode #1 to #5,652,234.

And the characters were always the same: the main hero would have 
usually goofy expressions, or if it was meant to be remotely serious, 
he'd have long hair.  If you couldn't see his eyes it meant that buddy 
was cool, had a traumatic past, or just a short dick and he was trying 
to look like a man.

And of course, lest we forget the facial expressions: big eyes, no 
nose, small mouth with lines on cheek: embarrassed.  Big eyes, no 
nose, big mouth: surprised.  Lines instead of eyes, big mouth, no 
nose: upset.  No eyes, no nose, big smile, lots of ovals instead of 
feet: in a hurry, but not going anywhere fast.

However, there is something worse than Anime`.  It's the people that 
love Anime`.  They follow episodes as if it were their religion, draw 
their own art (which is exactly identical to what everyone else is 
doing, since they have to follow the masters' trace) with extreme 
dedication, and have the inability to discuss their passion 
rationally:

"I don't like Akira."

"WHAT!  HERETIC!"

Frankly, I don't.  Okay, so the animation is great, but forget it when 
it comes to a story line.  Dragontesticle Z, Akira, Ghost in the 
Shell, long stories, with action and philosophy that are supposed to 
strike in our hearts (or in our lower intestines as we sit on the 
can).  They sit there and complain that the americanized version just 
doesn't cut it, and that dubbing ruins the story.  Frankly it doesn't 
make a difference.  It's not like their eyes grow smaller and their 
brains bigger.

Then you get the Hentai shit, with school girls being raped by 
tentacles or giant green demons.  Wooah, okay there boy, hold on the 
`shrooms.

I better end this, before the Pichachoo Gods strike me down with 
lightning.  I doubt anyone understands the pain that I went through
as I was raised, when the only sort of entertainment on TV was
anime`.  Try it sometimes: watch anime` everyday, for a good 11
years of your life.  It'll stop being fascinating because you
don't see it everyday, and you've only seen "the good ones".
Feel the pain.  I just hope some idiot writes back and flames me
on how stupid I am.  It would prove me oh so right.

-------------------------------------------

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