Periodical of Electronic Dirt
Volume IV, Issue 6, AD MCMXCIX
Thursday, April 1st, 1999
ISSN 1482-0471
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Welcome aboard life.
Your ride may vary.

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"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that 
curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly."
    - Arnold Edinborough

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1.  Editorial
2.  Top 10 Reasons Men Are Scum
3.  DirtyGirl on Quizmaster
4.  Ugly Breasts
5.  Men?  MEN?  I need no stinkin' men!
6.  Matrix
7.  Squeals on Wheels
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This week's Golden Testicle award:

The Jack T. Chick Parody Archive

http://www.flash.net/~twinkle/psycho/DARK/chick/

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1. Editorial
By PoED Staff

Dick Eiden writes:

>     Please, Leandro, spare us your stupid and insulting quotes. 
>     Who the hell is E. Hubbard, anyway - one of L. Ron's offspring?
>      That would make sense, because rip-off artists LOVE
>     Capitalism!

>>    Prison is a Socialist's Paradise, where equality prevails,
>>    everything is supplied and competition eliminated. -- E.
>>    Hubbard 
> 
>     Slums filled with people of color are a Capitalist's paradise.
>     Poor and desperate people will do ANYTHING for $$$$. -- Dick
>	Eiden

Dear Dick.

You'd think people would've have better things to do than worry about 
stuff like this.  I suppose however there is a little anarchist or 
anti-<insert political movement here> in every one of us, and as luck 
would have it, I hit two religious zealots and one politically 
flammable individual.

In regards to my posting, I received a total of three complains that 
were completely off topic what-so-ever.  Two of them were in regards 
of my header (On this day..), and one (you), about, of all things, the 
random quote that appears in my signature file.

I say random because each time I boot up, a small batch file called by 
the autoexec.bat picks a random number, extracts the related quote 
from a zip file, and appends it to my signature.

So let's take in examination my "stupid and insulting quotes" 
(although I just see one, but maybe the Mr. Bear one caused some grief 
as well.  I could probably elaborate some sort of 
Socialist/Communist/Fascist theory here on how Mr. Bear is actually a 
dictator brainwashing the childern (the workers who control the mean 
of production) and causing them to behave like drones (hence, control 
of the state over the minds of the individuals) and have them purchase 
the goods provided by Mr. Bear and listening like mindless idiots to 
what he has to say (propaganda).  Or maybe you didn't get the Mr. Bear 
quote.  If you didn't, that's a shame, since it's quite a chuckle).

Clearly E. Hubbard, whoever he is, did not spend time in an American 
jail.  Even I, reading it, find faults in it, and could possibly sit 
there, if I had the time or I even remotely cared, point out what's 
wrong with it.  But Socialism, like Communism, works well only on 
paper.  Or if you have lots of guns.  Or if you are some University 
student that suddenly becomes aware of "alternative" political 
movements and finds everything, even the way flowers have sex in front 
of the children, a disgrace to the evolution of the lower class.  
Whatever.

And since we do technically live in a Socialist country (eventhough we 
all deny that we do), what E. Hubbard says could possibly be 
reasonable.  However, I don't care and the last thing that I usually 
worry about is politics, religion and sports: you can never agree with 
anyone.

Right or wrong that the quote may be, next time I'll make sure I have 
one that Franco, Mussolini or Hitler have said, just to spark some 
other politically-flammable person to freak out.  Or maybe I'll change 
E. Hubbard to Mr. Bear and the Mr. Bear quote to E. Hubbard.  Boy, I 
can already see the confusion socio-political students will have once 
they are out of their Star Trek clubs and check their mail.  E. 
Hubbard said that on a children's TV show?  Unbelivable!  Get the 
guns!  Get the Molotov Cocktails!

I say Trekkies, as one of them informed me on how Star Trek and the 
Cold War go hand in hand.  If only I had known, I'd be giving Vulcan 
pinches to any communist out there, I tell ya.

Now, let's take a look at your quote:

>     Slums filled with people of color are a Capitalist's paradise.
>     Poor and desperate people will do ANYTHING for $$$$.
>      -- Dick Eiden 

So let's see.
The Capitalist (also known as THE MAN), want to have people of colour 
in slums.  This because, and I'm thinking really hard here, so that 
the evil white men can control the minorities and make them do jobs 
that no one else wants to do so.  This is so that the evil white men 
can rest assured that all the openings at the new McDonald down the 
street will be taken by well educated Harvard white kids.

Poor and desperate people will do anything for money... well, of 
course, THE MAN has put bills on them (telephone bill, electric bill) 
and since they have no job at McDonald and can't afford the latest 
Nike shoes provided by child-sex-slaves in the Philipines, at 
incredibly high prices for rather scarce quality, crime will raise.
What a revolutionary concept!  Or it would be if it wasn't taking 
place already.

My Dick, you sure have some dark ideas in your head.  No wonder 
America is falling apart.

But enough with my Mr. Bear conspiracy theories, here, let me make you 
happy:

Most people don't require that their e-mail sig be footnoted, with 
three supporting pieces of evidence, and a complete bibliography.  But 
I can see you're different.  You have been exposed to a statement that 
does not correlate with your world view.  This seems to have pissed 
you of royally (OH MY GOD HE SAID "ROYALLY" HE MUST BE A GODDAMN 
MONARCHIST TOO!). .  You seem to be one of those great socialists who 
quotes Marx between sips of your latt‚s, but seem to be utterly 
unprepared to accept that socialism can be a) imperfect and therefore 
worthy of criticism, and b) a subject of humour.   I apologize for 
exposing you to both humour and a different point of view, which as 
we're both aware, cannot exist in a socialist's paradise.
Or at least, can't if it's going to be populated by people such as 
yourself.

>Slums filled with people of color are a Capitalist's paradise.
>     Poor and desperate people will do ANYTHING for $$$$. -- Dick
>     Eiden 

Well, you challenged me for supporting evidence, so where's yours?  
Prove that there has never been a person of colour who was a 
capitalist, or a white person who didn't live in a slum (which you're 
inferring by the use of "people of color").  

Poor and desperate people will indeed do anything for money (which is 
what I assume "$$$$" means).  So will capitalists.  So tell me, if 
that's your definition, how do you make a distinction between the two?  
Capitalists are more successful criminals?  Less fashionable to 
support around the Starbuck's crowd?  What?

The next time you're sipping a nice hot and creamy latt‚ and 
congratulating yourself on how anticapitalist you are, think long and 
hard about your AOL account.  If there was ever was anti-corporate, 
anti-profit, pro-socialist, free speech and wealth redistribution 
outfit, it's AOL.  You must be proud that your money goes towards 
them.  

Sincerely,

Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
Running Pig-dog capitalist and tool of the industrial/military complex 
and damn proud of it

PS: By the way, if you are anti-monarchist, I'm going to call you a 
misogynist, sexist bastard for hating Her Royal Majesty, the Queen 
Elizabeth II.  Rule Britannia.

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2.  Top 10 Reasons Men Are Scum
By Samantha

I wrote this list on a day when I was particularly mad with my 
boyfriend.  Originally, it offended him, but eventually most guys I 
know confessed to the fact that it's all true.  As for the girls, they 
agreed.

Top 10 Reasons Men Are Scum:

10) The words, "I can't, I have to spend quality time with my 
girlfriend" are not in their vocabulary.

9) They must eat like they're in a marathon-ALL THE TIME.

8) Violence can be more of a turn on than sex-need I say the word 
"wrestling"?

7) They don't understand that women's hearts are frail and can be 
broken on a daily basis.

6) They become a whole other person when they're "hanging with the 
guys".

5) They never get anything done-there's ALWAYS tomorrow.

4) They change their minds more than women do hairstyles.

3) They wear the same dirty clothes day after day, but expect a woman 
to look fabulous all the time.

2) They claim a woman's figure means nothing to them, and then proceed 
to oggle slim girls with big boobs.

And the #1 reason why all men are scum:

1) Sex seems to be their only thought and/or purpose in life, and 
they're just fine with that.

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3.  DirtyGirl on Quizmaster
A Gameshow hosted by Jason MacIsaac


Johnny: And now it's time for the gameshow that everybody can learn 
but few can master...it's QUIZZZZZZZZZMASTER!  And here is your host, 
Jason MacIsaac!

Jason:  Thanks Johnny!  Hello everyone, welcome to another edition of 
Quizmaster.  I know you're all ready to test your knowledge along with 
the guests of our show.  Let's get right to business and meet our 
first contestant, DirtyGirl!  

DirtyGirl is a cybersex applet located at 
http://www.planetary.net/cgi-
bin/webeliza?xxr=%0D%0ADoesn%27t+the+moving+about+while+eating+give+yo
u+a+stomach+ache%3F&xxs=dirtygirl.script&xxt=DirtyGirl.  Welcome to 
the show DirtyGirl!  How are you?  Are you excited to be on 
Quizmaster?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) WHAT'S YOUR IDEA OF A GOOD 
TIME?

Jason: (jokingly)  Hey, I'm the Quizmaster, I ask the questions here.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Jason: So DirtyGirl, where are you from?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) HOW ABOUT MEETING ME AT 
SANTA CRUZ BOARDWALK THIS WEEKEND?

Jason:  Ah, beautiful Santa Cruz.  Do you enjoy living in sunny 
California?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I ENJOY BEING A GIRL. DO 
YOU ENJOY HAVING A GIRL?

Jason: Of course!  We love having a girl like you as a guest on 
Quizmaster!  Let's start the first round.  Would you please begin by 
selecting a category.

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) TALK DIRTY TO ME! USE THOSE 
SEXY 4-LETTER WORDS!

Jason: All right!  The category is "Four Letter Words."  The first 
question is worth $100 if you give me a correct response.  

"This four letter word, refers to a covering that has been abandoned, 
as in snake skin or an ear of corn.  What is it?"

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) TELL ME WHAT YOU LIKE IN A 
WOMAN.

(BUZZER)

Jason: Oh, I'm sorry, that's incorrect.  The correct response was 
"husk."  Please select another category.

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I AM ALL WOMAN.

Jason: Good choice!  "Famous Women" for $200.  The question is:

"This famous American woman beat Jules Verne's theoretical around the 
world journey in real life...and shaved off 8 days in the process.  
Name her."

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) MY NAME IS CHERI. WHAT'S 
YOURS?

(BUZZER)

Jason: Ooh, looks like you're off to a rough start on Quizmaster, 
DirtyGirl.  The correct response was not "Cheri" but "Elizabeth Jane 
Cochran, better known to the world as...Nellie Bly."

RINGING CHIMES

Jason: Uh-oh, there's our Lucky Second Chance warning!  Do you know 
what that means DirtyGirl?  

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I'M PLAYING WITH MYSELF, 
THINKING OF YOU. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Jason: Uh, no, that's not what it means.  It means that you have a 
second chance to win money at this question.  If you answer another 
question related to the topic of Nellie Bly, you win back the dollar 
amount of your original question, plus an extra $500.  But, if you 
answer incorrectly, you are penalized $500.  Do you wish to go for the 
Lucky Second Chance?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) SUCH A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE. 
SIT ON A HAPPY FACE.

Jason: Uh, was that a yes or a no?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) YES? ARE YOU THAT EASY?

Jason: Yes, she'll go for it!  You're a brave contestant DirtyGirl, 
but I don't know if you'll find the question that easy.  For your 
$100, and an additional $500, here is the question:

"As we've said, Nellie Bly beat Jules Verne's fictional record for 
around the world travel by eight days.  How many days did her trip 
take her?"

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I'M GETTING NAKED RIGHT NOW 
FOR YOU. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE LOVE?

(BUZZER)

Jason: Sorry DirtyGirl, I can't accept that answer.  The correct 
answer was "Seventy-two days."  To be specific, it took 72 days, 6 
hours, 11 minutes, beating out Phileas Fogg, the hero of Jules Verne's 
classic Around the World in 80 Days.  Perhaps if you'd remember the 
title of the book, you could have got the answer.        

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) IT'S SO HARD! I LOVE A MAN 
LIKE THAT!

Jason: Yep, I'm afraid the questions are hard sometimes, but that's 
what makes it all the more fun.  Nonetheless, I'm afraid will have to 
deduct $500 for your score, leaving you at -$700.     

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) SUCH A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE. 
SIT ON A HAPPY FACE.

 Jason: That's right, put on a happy face, because it's time for round 
two, where the big money is to be made!  Dollar amounts are doubled, 
so dig yourself out of that hole DirtyGirl, and choose a new category.  

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE?

Jason: Aha!  You've decided to take the Quizmaster's Challenge!  As 
you folks at home know, that means that I personally get to pick three 
categories and ask you a question from each one.   It's risky, but 
there's a big payoff if you give me three correct responses.  What's 
the payoff today, Johnny?

Johnny: An 1999 Acura NL!  The new Acura NL has  "more than 300 
modifications that yield significant improvements in handling, 
performance, ride quality, styling, passenger safety, comfort and 
value."  Includes both driver and front passenger air bags.   Acura, 
the new look of flagship luxury and performance!

Jason: Hmm, a new Acura!  How would you feel about winning one of 
those?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I WANT YOU. I NEED YOU. 
TELL ME HOW YOU WILL TAKE ME.

Jason: I see we've got a kidder on our hands, folks!  I'll bet you 
want me for me questions so you can take home that car!  The 
categories I pick are "Linguistics," "Film," and "Literature." Give me 
the correct answer, and you drive home in a brand new Acura.  Are you 
ready, DirtyGirl?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) IF WE START MASTURBATING 
RIGHT NOW, WE MAY GET OFF BEFORE THEY LOG US OFF

Jason: That's right, this quiz is timed, so be sure to respond before 
the buzzer.  After my first question, you will have 30 second to 
answer all three questions.  You may say "pass" to go on to the next 
question and leave the previous one for later.  May I have thirty 
seconds on the clock?

(THIRTY SECONDS APPEAR ON THE SCREEN)

Jason: My first question, in the category of "Linguistics,"  is:

In French, what factor determines what verbs will be used to refer to 
people and even inanimate objects?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE?

(CHIME)

Jason: Gender!  Correct!  Second question, category "Film":  What 1995 
film starred Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) HOW ABOUT A FRENCH KISS?

(CHIME)

Jason: "French Kiss," Correct!  Final question!  The category is 
literature:

In "Nadsat," the language invented by Anthony Burgess for the novel "A 
Clockwork Orange," what is the term for sexual intercourse?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I LIKE TO EAT OUT. AND IN-
AND-OUT.

Jason: Ummm...Judges, will we accept that?

(Pause)

(DING DING DING!)

Jason: Close enough, say are judges!  The term was "the ol' In-out" as 
Alex, the young hooligan of A Clockwork Orange liked to say, but 
however you pronounce it, it all means the same thing:  YOU ARE THE 
WINNER OF  A BRAND NEW CAR!  DirtyGirl, how do you feel about that?

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I'M GOING TO GO LIE DOWN 
AND RUB MY CLITTY

Jason: Yes, DirtyGirl's sure excited about her new car!  Well that's 
all the time we have tonight folks!  Be sure to join us again next 
week for another gripping session of the game that everybody can learn 
but few can master, Quizzzzzzzzzzmaster!  Good night!

DirtyGirl: PLEASE GO ON (type 'q' to quit) I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME TILL 
I CAN'T WALK STRAIGHT


http://www1.cristylynn.com/virtual/

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4.  Ugly Breasts
by IMPROV

I don't think people are really reacting enough to this Yugoslavian 
think.  This ain't no crazy desert man trying to up gas prices, this 
little thing has split the UN in to two halves.  And just in case you 
didn't know the "U" stands for United...and when a group is split, 
it's a little moronic to call it United.  Wake up and smell the 
descension among the ranks.  Russia has pulled out of NATO and said 
that Moscow may take further steps (including military action) to, 
"ensure its own and general Eurapean security."  Not just poor Russia 
is pissed but very large China have called the NATO attack 
illegal...no good, they have ONE BILLION people there...actually ONE 
BILLION COMMUNISTS!!  Cause for concern, I think so.  So what do I 
do...the only right thing a smart ass such as myself can...write a TOP 
TEN LIST.  


If I was a non NATO member, say...perhaps China, here are my:
TOP TEN NORTH AMERICAN MISSLE TARGETS

10.  Monica Lewinski's mouth.
9.   Jerry Springer's studio.
8.   Euro Disney (yeah I know it's in France, but I figure it's a 
     service).
7.   Saturn auto plants (they're a cult).
6.   Utah (damn those Mormons).
5.   Billy Clinton's unit (and I'm not talkin' his apartment).
4.   Canada's Wonderland theme park (I know it's a front).
3.   John Stamos (he DOES NOT deserve to be married to that bikini 
     model).
2.   Ontario Highway #2 (take out all important roadways...and there 
     are none more important than good ol' number 2).
1.   Oh yeah... Washinton D.C., L.A., New York City, Chicago,
     Ottawa, and Toronto... among other urban centres.

Move to the boonies..except Utah!

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5.  Men?  MEN?  I need no stinkin' men!
By Davinder Sangha

Often a man will have a misconception that he is the only one, who can 
please a woman.  If not economically then definitely sexually.  
However, the reality is that most women don't even get an orgasm 
through penetration, but receive pleasure and satisfaction through 
masturbation.  If a woman is a lesbian, a man will try to convince her 
that all she needs is a good fuck, but for most lesbians a penis just 
doesn't do it.  Many men have a sense of fear when women no longer 
need them.

Two days before Valentine's Day my cousin Pat and I decided to rent a 
scarry movie from Blockbuster.  On our way there, some guy decides to 
start talking to us.  My cousin and I, used to the general population 
that litters the area, just ignored and kept on walking.  The guy 
momentarily backed off.

A few minutes later he reappeared again.  "So, ladies, how are ya 
doin'?".
I looked up and I was greeted by this old, ugly Somalian guy that was 
trying to look young and hip.  You know the type: baseball hat on the 
side, pants down to their knees (to quickly jump out of them?) and one 
of their pant's legs raised up.  No, I am not being discriminate when 
I say "Somalian".  If anyone has read IMPROV's story about Gays, 
they'll understand what I am trying to say. 
(http://www.capnasty.org/issues/1998-03/cn981117.html#4 -Ed.)

"Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?" he asked again.

My cousin looked at me and laughed "We don't celebrate Valentine's 
day".

The man looked at me and with a sly grin whispered "Maybe you'd like 
to celebrate Valentine day with me, we could have a threesome".

"Sorry darling" I said "but you are not my type".

"Honey!" he looked at me "Honey!  What IS your type then?"
I looked at my cousin, held her hand and said "My type?  Why she's my 
type, HONEY."

"What?!" he stuttered "You girls are gay?"

"Yeah.  That's right.  I'm a fucken' lez", I said.

The guy's face turned pale and gave Pat and I the most disgusted look 
he could manage.

"What's wrong HONEY, you can't believe that a woman prefers a pussy 
over your ugly dick?" I asked.

The man laughed.  A nervous laugh.  "I don't believe that you girls 
are gay!  You're Indian!  Indian girls are not gay!"

Pissed off I said "Watch this, hetero-boy" and I grabbed my cousin and 
kissed her on the lips.  My cousin, playing in the game, participated 
with much enthusiasm.

To say that our friend was shocked, it's to say the least.  He backed 
up a few feet as if we were infected with some disease.
"You girls are disgusting!  God doesn't like shit like this!"
Yeah, but he likes threesomes, right?
Pat and I just laughed and walked away.

Most men have this fucken' ego that women need then for pleasure, but 
as time passes, women no longer depend on them for anything, not even 
sex.  Beside men being unreliable for even putting a nail against a 
wall, technology has provided us with enough fake dicks and vibrators 
to replace the Viagra-enduced erections they so happily display.

Hopefully, with time, the world will begin to shift from a male-
dominated to a women's world, where things will finally run properly 
without any testosterone driven bullshit.

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6.  Matrix
A review by Jason MacIsaac

At one point in The Matrix, another character turns to Neo, played by 
Keanu Reeves and says "Change expression, damn you!" while kicking him 
repeatedly in the testicles.  Reeves just stands there, staring 
blankly.

Okay, that doesn't really happen, but let's face it, a team of plastic 
surgeons couldn't change his expression.  If he's angry, he stares 
blankly ahead.  If he's sad, he stares blankly ahead.  If he's 
confused, he stares blankly ahead.  If you shot and barbecued his dog 
right in front of him, he stares blankly ahead.  If he ever walked 
into K-Mart, stockboys would strip him and try to put the latest fall 
fashions on him, and then prop him on top of a clothing display.  
Anyone who puts them in their movie automatically has one massive 
problem to overcome.

So, Reeves sucks.  He sucks pretty bad in this movie, but the movie 
itself, with a few qualifications, isn't that bad.  As you can guess, 
it's largely a showcase for neato special effects, and it does that 
part quite admirably. However, it's an okay movie with an amazing 
movie struggling to get out.

It's difficult to talk about without spoiling major plot details, so I 
won't.  Aw fuck, I will.  If you're planning on seeing this anyway and 
don't want things ruined, read no further.

Basically, it's a cyberpunkish/Hong Kong action inspired movie.  
Fourteen year olds are going to go on about the original plot, because 
they've never read Philip K. Dick, or William Gibson, or other authors 
where the whole "reality conspiracy" thing is explored.  If I'm not 
mistaken, the ancient Greeks did it first in their literature.  

And it would be a great movie, but unfortunately it tries to be too 
many things, nonsensically.  It tries to be John Woo, with far too 
many slow-mo action scenes.  It tries to be cyberpunk, with lots of 
computer and neo-noir imagery.  I'm not a big fan of cyberpunk, 
because I find too much of it is obviously meant to appeal to the 350 
pound hacker who desperately wants a macho action life, and is 
fantasizing that the person he's IRCing with is not another 350 
recluse but a hot babe in black vinyl with her navel pierced.  But 
here the whole thing isn't too obtrusive.  It also tries the ultimate 
conspiracy, one where the truth is so bleak you have to wonder if 
living a beautiful lie might not be better than the ugly truth.

And if they worked more with the ugly truth thing, there could be a 
lot going for it.  It could be another Blade Runner, or Alien (As 
Jamie Kennedy says in Scream 2 "Ridley Scott rules.")  But in order to 
fight the conspiracy, they are given things to do that don't make 
sense.  If reality can be manipulated as they choose, how do they get 
injured and die?  Their explanation doesn't stand up to scrutiny.  
Even Dreamscape had people "die" by going into cardiac arrest if they 
died in the dreamscape.  What are guns to people who can alter the 
reality they're in?  They're thinking in pretty narrow terms.

Also sticking out badly is talk of who will be "The One," so they try 
to get some hokey mystical stuff in there.  This too completely 
clashes with everything that has gone before. If only the creators of 
Dark City had scripted it.  That too was an effects showcase, but it 
had a fascinating plot and didn't degenerate into actions scenes to 
get the audience's attention.

Hell, I don't wanna get into it.  Suffice it to say is that it's a 
Keanu Reeves movie, and I went in with low expectations, and came out 
pleasantly surprised.  If you go see it, put the ol' brain into 
neutral., let the drool form at the corners of your mouth, and don't 
think about it too hard.  

-------------------------------------------

7.  Squeals on Wheels
By Goat "I'm not bitter" boy

I have the unfortunate habit of automatically looking at someone and 
classifying them into five categories: cool, decent, useful, annoying 
but useful and "I'd love to kick the living shit out of you".  
Handicap girl hit DEFCON 5 without much fuss.

She picks someone at random to be her "friend" which REALLY makes me 
wonder about her mental stability.  One day, without notice, she 
starts talking to you.  Like that.  Not that you asked, or happened to 
look at her in any way or anything.  No.  It's like the lottery.  
Today she talks to you.

So I guess it's my lucky fucking day and she starts talking to me in 
the cafeteria.  I really couldn't have given a rat's ass if I wanted 
to.  Off she goes about anime` and shit like that, and I'm thinking of 
my own version of "Spacemoose" (www.spacemoose.com) and what he'd do 
to her.  Thoughts of me setting her on fire and pushing her down the 
staircase start to look mighty appealing.  But I hold myself back, you 
know, I need to graduate, and I have spent quite a bit of money 
already, let me finish this course before I go to jail.

There is at times this little voice in me that says "That's terrible, 
how could you think that?"

I don't know.  How could I?  Am I the only one with homicidal 
tendencies in this world?

Also, she's a poor little girl on a wheelchair.  And we have to be 
understanding, or so I am told in this society, to people who are less 
fortunate than we are, no matter how retarded they can be.

For the first part, that's what's keeping me from wheeling her in 
front of incoming traffic.  If I just sit here quietly and nod once in 
a while, she will leave me alone.  But it seems the more you sit there 
and pretend to listen, the more she has to say.

It eventually gets to the point that I can't take it anymore: "you 
know what?" I interrupt her.

"What?"

"I hate Sailor Moon and any type of anime`.  I think it sucks".

"W-why?!  It's so great!  Such amazing art!"

And I go "No, it sucks.  It's a shitty style with shitty stories, with 
shitty characters, with shitty expressions that are mostly made for 
snotty little girls that lack any sense of imagination and have to 
dream about 12 year olds that mutate into 18 year olds and fly 
around..  sorry, but to me that's been done a zillion fucking times 
over.  It sucks. Dead.  End".

Honestly.  Some people take anime` a bit too fucking seriously.  It's 
like when people greet me with the Vulcan sign of live long and 
prosper, carry Star Trek insignia all over them, talk about space 
ships or the latest Voyager episode and they think they are cool.  I 
just want to kill them.

Of course, you share this with anyone else, they tell you that "you 
are bitter and insensitive", so you just have to nod your head and 
have the fucking slob drool their awesome knowledge in your fucking 
ears.  If you don't, him and the entire group of fanatics that found 
themselves in the school and formed the Star Trek Club will come with 
burning crosses in front of your lawn chanting William Shatner's 
songs.  Oh, the horror, the horror.

For sure though, the last thing I needed really was this bitch on her 
wheelchair shoving her fucking Sailor Moon up my ass.

She puts her hand on my forehead.  Gosh, your hands have been WHERE, 
may I ask? 

She tells me that "you are sick sick sick!" and I think she was trying 
REALLY hard to be funny or something, but it came out like she was 
about to burst into tears or kick me in the balls, if she had legs.  
Well, technically she does, and she stands up occasionally, but I 
think if I shoved her legs up her ass, she'd move better and would've 
a real reason to be bitter at life.

Anyway, she goes "You are strange!" and she wheels herself away.
"Peace at last", went back to my notes and J. (an anime` girl who for 
once is cool) says "I think you pissed her off" and I go "Watch me 
give a shit" and that of course is rethorical and needed no answer.

"Don't worry, we'll go into our next class and she'll giggle like a 
freak at anything the prof says and will find a new friend".
Yoopee for that.

We go into class.  Handicap girl tells J. to sit next to her, and she 
does, because J. wasn't really thinking.

J. is one of those girls that can sleep with her eyes open and still 
look like she doing something.  Occasionally her head hits the 
computer behind her, but I haven't met anyone as good as her at 
catching up with sleep and not get caught once.

Anyway, who knows where her head was at the moment, probably still 
trying to recover from our previous fucking class with Mr. Genius the 
polyglot moron professor.  Handicap girl starts to tell her all about 
anime`, and J. snaps back to reality, looks at me in search for help 
and I mumble something about a new friend.

J. gets up, and says she has to do more important stuff than Sailor 
Moon, pissing handicap girl again. She doesn't really say she is 
pissed off.  But you can clearly tell she's not a happy sailor.. uh.. 
uhm.

She then proceeds to surf every fucking web site in town about the 
fucking cartoon downloading pictures and giggling at every fucking 
word that HA HA FUNNY PROF proceeds to say.

Eight months, three weeks, four days to go.

Sigh.

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