Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume VII, Issue 4, AD MMII
Monday, February 25, 2002
ISSN 1482-0471
-------------------------------------------

"The word 'turd' should really be a verb.  Think about it.  Shit is 
a noun and a verb, as well as a few other things.  Piss is both.  
Pee is both.  Crap and poop are.  Urinate and defecate have urine 
and feces.  One can even fart a fart.  So why has turd been so 
snubbed? One may never know.  Perhaps it was once a verb, but has 
since fallen out of use.  So, I ask of you, one turder to another, 
next time you feel the need to pinch a loaf, excuse yourself and 
say, `I've got to go turd.'"

-- Melissa De Wilde

-------------------------------------------

<goataway> It's reassuring to see that the same people that provide 
me with phone service also land on my site searching for 
`horny+ottawa+girls'.
<goataway> dm2c82.bell.ca - http://www.google.ca/search?q=
horny+ottawa+girls&hl=en&start=20&sa=N - http://con.ca/issues/5/1/28
<Shogo> goat: well they have to have some kind of social life :)
<goataway> Heh, quite true.  I guess this proves they just spend all 
day long playing with their testicles, seeing their telephone 
service.

-------------------------------------------

1.  Editorial
2.  Searching For Small
3.  CoN at the Movies
4.  Ride the Reverend
5.  'Troublemakers' by Harlan Ellison
-------------------------------------------

This week's Golden Testicle award:

http://members.fortunecity.com/tms3/

Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome

-------------------------------------------

1. Editorial
Random Observations

By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro

The other day I was surfing the WinAmp site looking for some decent 
skins to give a more interesting look to the rather plain and boring 
looking programme.  It's quite amazing to see the collection of 
skins that are displayed on that site.

For those that don't know, WinAmp is one of the programmes that can 
be used to listen to Mp3s and related.  By skins I mean the ability 
to alter the look of a programme and make it look prettier and what 
not.  I am not referring to "nekkid" women, albeit from the type of 
Google searches I see that land people on our site, I am seriously 
beginning to wonder who reads this magazine.

Anyway, after about half an hour of browsing I decided to stop as I 
reached the following conclusions:

1. skin artists aren't;
2. other skin artists judging someone's skin can't write for shit; 
and lastly
3. I've shit better skins.

Take for example, oh, say the WinAmp StarGate Skin.  While this will 
ensure I will never get any respect, I really liked the StarGate 
film and when I can, I try to catch the episodes on the telly.  
Check out this `awesome' description on the page: "download !!!!! 
the SG-1 series on you pc??? NO but you can relieve it with this 
skin"

This gets to me.  First of all, and not because the skin is utter 
shite, just making something grey and writing on it `StarGate 
Command' doesn't make it cool in my books.  For those geeks out 
there that have seen the movie or the television series, I'm sure 
you could come up to a million alternatives than grey.  I have, but 
I'll spare them to avoid further insults.

Maybe by `relieve' he meant that I'd piss all over it as soon as I 
saw it.  I don't know, but I was tempted.

Which brings to a second interesting point, the spelling, or rather, 
the writing like a retard.  I find it incredibly difficult to write 
in the so-called AOL-style.  No concept of capitalisation; the use 
of `n' instead of `and' or `u' instead of `you'; and as far as a 
concept of grammar, spelling and paragraphs, forget it.  Perhaps 
it's habit, but I have to actually stop and think to write like a 
cretin.

Lastly, the abominable collection of exclamation marks.  Let me tell 
you how much I hate exclamation marks.  Actually, I can't tell you, 
because right now I can't think of a half-assed metaphor to give you 
as a decent example, so you'll just have to take my word for it.  
Let's just say I am not trying to prove I've got balls of steel as I 
don't `exclamate', but it's just one of those things that makes me 
grimace.

I should, perhaps, specify that I don't completely dislike them.  I 
feel they bring out the proper emphasis in the words one is 
expressing if used properly.  But a row of them is unnecessary and 
as disrupting as a smiley in e-mail.

Unfortunately these stunned fuck-heads is what's being passed for 
Internet users these days. And while the English language will 
slowly deteriorate into something illegible, you can rest assured 
there will be shining icons of defence, such as CoN, that will try 
to keep your fascistic literary tendencies at bay.

-------------------------------------------

2.  Searching For Small

By Cliff Yankovich

"One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small."

Do you think the Airplane (yeah, I am talking about the Airplane -- 
don't give me that "Starship" hoo-hah) shopped at Sam's Club?  By 
the second aisle I began to have the feeling that something was 
surrealistically wrong with the picture. Had I taken the "small" 
pill?

It really started at the entrance.  What the heck is wrong with this 
grocery cart?  Been driving `em solo for years now and this one just 
didn't feel right.  Wait a minute -- the thing is way too big.  
Sam's has grocery carts that have to be over some kind of load limit 
law.  The oversized cart was just the beginning of my small day at 
Sam's Club.

Maybe I just didn't belong there at all. Maybe the whole place is 
designed to keep people like me out.  "Excuse me," I said to the 
helpful, courteous employee, "Can you tell me where I can find the 
dog food?"

"Sure thing," says he and he proceeded to tell me how to get there.

Five minutes later I was back.  "Excuse me," I said to the helpful, 
courteous employee, "Can you tell me where I can find the proper dog 
food if one doesn't operate a kennel or happen to own a pair of 
Newfoundlands?"

Key-ristmas, every bag of dog food in there weighed in at about 75 
pounds or so.  Just so happens my dog is a beagle kind of thing.  
With all her optional equipment, wet hair and full pockets she 
weighs about 12 pounds.  What am I going to do with a two year 
supply of dog kibble?  Suppose she runs off or is kidnapped or 
something?  What if she happens to crave another brand six months 
into our commitment to this huge bag?  I know its dog food, but 
mightn't it go stale?  Granted, dogs are not the most discriminating 
eaters, but even she might turn up her nose up at old stuff that 
smelled of fish guts when it was fresh.

This got me to thinking.  I looked around some more.  Sure, I love 
Honey Nut Cheerios, but where in my cupboard am I going to put THAT 
huge box?  Salsa is a good thing, but I am not ready to commit to a 
container of it that I have to lift into the cart with both hands.  
And if I was to buy that big thing of cranberry juice, two problems 
arose.  Number one will it fit in my refrigerator? And B, who is 
going to help little Amy pour herself a glass of it every time she 
wants a drink?

Then it hit me - I was being discriminated against.  
Uhhhohhh.

That was it in a nutshell.  Okay, my dog isn't the size of Trigger, 
I don't have eleven children living at home and we aren't hosting a 
wedding or a fire department breakfast anytime soon.  Clearly, Sam's 
was picking on me and making so I could not buy the products they 
sell.  Don't they know I know a lawyer?  Are they really asking me 
to launch a lawsuit, write a book, do talk shows and post a web site 
decrying their lack of concern for my personhood?  The fact that 
they have built a national chain of stores designed to keep me out 
is a pretty clear indication of their total disregard of my 
situation.

Well, once my little mind starts down a path like this, there is no 
stopping me.  Never mind the discrimination; I began to realize how 
Sam's Club is working toward the destruction of America.

Sure, those are strong words, but give me a second to back them up.

Americans are overweight, are we not?  Everyone knows those excess 
pounds lead to all kinds of health problems, early death, poor 
performance in track and field events, and a host of other 
conundrums.  So if I go to Sam's and purchase my favorite cereal in 
the one foot by two feet box, then it only follows that I will 
overeat in an effort to keep the cereal fresh.  It is hard enough 
for me to avoid over consumption of ice cream without having a five 
gallon tub of it in my freezer crying out to be saved from freezer 
burn.  This is not only encouraging me to be overweight, Sam's club 
is MAKING me that way just like Phillip Morris made me smoke and my 
mom made me act out in school and... well, you get the picture, 
don't you?

The subtle influence of Sam's upon our culture, health and general 
well being became crystal clear in an instant.  Ever try to order a 
"small" soft drink at any fast food places lately?  Read the menu 
boys and girls, most of them don't even offer a small size of drinks 
or anything else anymore. It starts out with "Medium", then "Large" 
and then goes off into "Super-Size", "Biggie-Size", "Mega" and what 
ever else they can think of to lure us to our doom.  (I haven't 
figured out who exactly makes up "them", but "they" certainly must 
be a consortium of executives from Sam's, Burger King, 7-11, and 
Enron and the whole deal is no doubt under the watchful eye of 
Arthur Anderson.)

How many pounds of sugar and how many calories make up one of those 
portable vats of soda pop?  Why have they made it so it is flat out 
economic foolishness for me NOT to get the value meal with the Mega-
helping of fatty fries? Why can't I get a small cola?  Where did the 
"small" serving go?

Wonder what Jeffery Feiger is doing these days?  Hmm, hafta give him 
a call.

---
c Copyright 2002 Cliff Yankovich www.chimeradesign.ws

-------------------------------------------

3.  CoN at the Movies
w/ Jeff Wright

Hope you all enjoyed your one issue break from me.  

First off, let me say this...  Don't EVER go see DAS BOOT in a 
theatre!!!!!!!  Maybe rent it sometime (though I really didn't like 
it, some of you MIGHT), but NEVER IN A THEATRE!!!!!!  I went to see 
it with Leo and Colin the other night, and Jesus!  I've never 
shifted in my seat more than I did in those three and a half hours.  
My body still isn't re-adjusted.  I'm uncomfortable. Leo said that 
it nearly moved him to tears.  I'm hoping he's confused the word 
"moved" with "bored".

I guess that counts as MOVE ONE.  On to.

MOVIE TWO:  WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER

Funniest movie I've seen in years.  Rent it or die!

MOVIE THREE:  STORYTELLING

DAMMIT!!!!!  I'm a huge Todd Solondz fan, but this was just bad.  It 
had its moments, but save your money.  :(

MOVIE FOUR:  WHEN STRANGERS APPEAR

The new flic from Scott Reynolds, the director of THE UGLY, and 
HEAVEN.  I love HEAVEN, and like a lot of THE UGLY.  This is just a 
lame thriller though.  Really disappointing.

MOVIE FIVE:  SPACE GHOST - COAST TO COAST

Okay, so it's not really a movie, but I have just recently 
discovered the brilliance that is SGCTC.  I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!!

Okay, now even though there's still a lot of stuff I didn't see, 
here's my top 5 films of 2001, plus the runners up.  Go watch some 
of them.

1.  THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS

Near perfect.  To avoid the embarrassment of letting you all know 
how much I relate to this film, I shall leave it at that.  

2.  IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE

One of the most beautiful romances ever put to film.  

3.  WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER

HOLY F'ING SHIT!!!!  This film is far too funny!  It's a brilliant 
take on the summer camp genre.  WATCH IT, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!!  
Funniest film I've seen since SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER AND UNCUT.

4.  MOULIN ROUGE 

Sappy as all Hell.  I love it though.  Sue me bitches!

5.  YOU SHOOT, I SHOOT

The funniest film to come out of Hong Kong this year.  Why's there 
no DVD yet?  I don't care if it flopped.  DVD NOW!  ARGH!!!!

My other favourite films of 2001 (in alphabetical order, with 
country of origin):
LE DESTIN FABLEUX D'AMELIE POULIN a.k.a. AMELIE  (France)
THE BEAVER TRILOGY (USA)
CURE (Japan)
FULLTIME KILLER (HK)
HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH (USA)
KAIRO a.k.a. PULSE (Japan)
LE PACTE DES LOUPS a.k.a. BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF (France)
MONSTERS INC. (USA)
VISITOR Q (Japan)
ZOOLANDER (USA)

Okay.  I've rambled for far too long.  Later.

p.s.
Are the Olympics over yet?  I don't care about them.

p.p.s.
I REALLY don't care about those Canadian figure skaters!!!!

---
Jeff waits at the window, wearing a face that he keeps in a jar by 
the door.

-------------------------------------------

4.  Ride the Reverend

By Revscrj

This is a recycled-multitasking email!  "Recycled" because it comes 
from a mail I just sent a friend of mine in Indiana.

It tasks:
 
1. To tell you a story about one of the things that happened to me;
2. to submit to CoN; and
3. to verify that I am NOT like other people.

Before hopping on the bus, I had wished to meet at least one good 
freak just before I left.  Well, keeping with "God laughs at me," I 
did. 

Her name was Violet, 19 years old, drop dead gorgeous, and I met her 
in Paducha, KY of all places. She sat behind me as I was writing 
about how that town appeared to be a total waste of space and that 
the people seemed beaten, bored and desperate.

I look up for a moment and hear her say, "...and I just need to get 
to Mt. Vernon so that he can hold me and tell me it will all be 
okay..."

Aaaaah, how co-dependant of you. Anyway, she keeps talking to the 
guy behind me until he falls asleep and had left off on the topic of 
marriage. Being a Reverend I pick up the conversation of course. She 
changes seats. Now bear in mind that I have introduced myself as a 
Reverend -- as far as she is concerned I am Clergy.

We start talking about religion and truly I am delicate and 
respectful of her Catholic wedding desires while tactfully lying in 
as many slights to the churches I can without offending her. 
Basically, I am being a Reverend to her and thus am mainly consumed 
by a certain "forthright" demeanour -- y'know: in my `Reverendly' 
capacity I am far more tolerant and morally aware that when not. 

She has given all her money to the church.

All of it. She is destitute. I think, "What a gullible fool you 
are," but say "Hmmm, 10% is all they really ask."

"The more you give to God, the more God gives to you."

"God doesn't want your money and giving it to the church wont put in 
into the
divine's hands."

All of a sudden she says that the clasp on her bra is "really 
annoying her."  Usually people would just say "Oh."

I say, "Hmm. Is it one of those double hook types?"

"Oh no, there is one of those in the back."

"It has two?"

"Yeah, see?" and lo, she pulls up her shirt revealing a truly lovely 
pair of breasts covered by a rather thin bra.

"Ahh, yes. There it is. I see."

Remember me mentioning that sign that hovers over my head that says 
"young girls: fuck with this guy?"  Apparently I left it on.

She tells me her favorite drink is "Hot Damn" and that when her and 
her fiance' fight they do it naked because it makes it difficult to 
really be mad.  Logically, if I want to see her naked, all I have to 
do is get her angry.  Hmmm.
 
"Soooooo, you were mentioning a 'wedding'?"

She proceeds to tell me she is a virgin.

"Well, I have sucked a few cocks -- but never with a tongue barbell.  
It MUST feel different! Don't you think?"

"I would guess it would."

"I'm really anxious to try it out!"

"...sooo, that 'wedding'?"

Apparently she is waiting till her and her beaux tie the knot to "do 
it" as it were.

I tell her that its really not such a grandiose thing that it should 
be too built up -- psychologically speaking -- but 'congrats' for 
having the willpower and resolve to follow through with a difficult 
ethic.  She replies to this with:

"He wants to do it in a summer rain out in nature somewhere but I 
want to do it right there in the church when we become husband and 
wife."

"HaHaHa, that's funny 'you may kiss the bride... er you can stop... 
OH SWEET
MOTHER OF GOD!'"

She takes the joke a step further and fakes an orgasm for me....

"Ahhaha... ANYWAY back to that 'wedding'..."

I could go on, but my hands feel all sweaty typing it out.  I mean, 
man, I was really fucking trying to maintain ethics here.  I was 
being religious and all.  Which, I think, was the crux of the matter 
-- but I'll come back to that.

Time and conversation pass. Just before I doze off I tell her that 
she shouldn't feel disturbed about leaning on my shoulder if she 
needs to -- it won't bother me.

I sleep.

I awake.

My hands are cradled in my lap and her head is in them. Were they 
not there she would be basically pressed into my crotch. I come out 
of sleep noticing this and am immediate aroused -- like I said she 
is truly lovely -- which of course has the corresponding physical 
effect -- if you catch my drift.  She apparently is not asleep as 
she starts stretching her lips out to touch it and rubbing her head 
in small circles slowly.

So there I am: half asleep with a beautiful 19 year old virgin who 
seems really set on giving me head, pinning my arms into my lap. All 
I can think is that the guy she is going to marry is one unlucky 
bastard if he deeply loves this woman and that if I let this happen 
I will be an asshole of the highest office.

God damn it (ahem), I'm a Reverend, lady!

I feign sleep but while doing so realize the grotesque joke of the 
whole situation all at once and suddenly bust out laughing and have 
to cover it up as a cough. Seriously, when was the last time you 
heard someone complain about a 19-year-old wanting to blow them? 
Yeah, same here, and this made me feel really fucking surreal for 
the next hour until we stopped and I got her head out of my lap. 
Even weirder: her head in my lap was like a manacle. Seriously. I 
was so paralysed by want juxtaposed with revulsion that she 
effectively had me bound and gagged simply by doing that. Amazing.

In retrospect I think that it was the fact that I am a Reverend that 
made all that happen in the first place. The challenge of seducing a 
Holy man, the taboo of it.  Hells Belles: "Hot Damn" for godsake!  
What she didn't know was that I am a Gnostic Reverend and thus not 
your garden variety repressed boy-hungry Christian type.

Were it not for the other guy, she would've never stopped talking 
about it (even when basically saying "fuck me"), and I would have a 
far more pleasant story about the experience.

She got off in Springfield and I rode on -- tempted but resistant.  
It is like the universe was saying "HAHA -- you and your 'ethics'!! 
SQUIRM - I command it! HAHAHAHA! Dork."

Well, I'd really have it no other way... sigh.

---
REVSCRJ is a writer/musician living in Monterey, California. 
Constantly on the verge of homelessness, he hopes that you enjoy his 
work or else his life has been in vain. Contact REVSCRJ at 
revscrj@cloudfactory.org to lodge complaints, notify of lawsuits, or 
receive spiritual advice.

-------------------------------------------

5.  'Troublemakers' by Harlan Ellison

By Melissa De Wilde

Harlan Ellison has been my literary hero ever since I laid eyes on 
'I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.'  I was overjoyed to find that 
he had a new collection out.  

'Troublemakers' is a selection of stories, chosen by the author, 
about, what else, troublemakers.  Each story is introduced by 
Ellison and the 'troublemaker lesson' is explained in his 
inimitatable way.  He's just trying to get us to smarten up by 
showing us what we do wrong through the troublemakers in the 
stories.

As is often the case when Ellison talks to his readers, he starts 
out by insulting us for various crimes we may or may not be guilty 
of.  But often we are.  Or, at least, I am.  But he always makes me 
feel like an old friend by the end.  Harlan Ellison's introductions 
and dialogues to the readers are definitely one of the reasons I 
keep coming back. 

'Troublemakers' has many old favourites including ""Repent, 
Harlequin," said the Ticktockman", "Djinn, No Chaser", and "Jeffty 
is Five."  Also included are a few more obscure gems like the newly 
revised "Never send to know for whom the lettuce wilts", and "Rain, 
Rain, Go Away."  And although 'Troublemakers' has no new stories, 
it's worth reading just to see what the author thinks we ought to 
learn from the stories.  

If you're already an Ellison fan I don't have to tell you to go read 
this book. If you're not, I find that it is my duty to try my 
damnedest to make you one.  Harlan Ellison is fascinating, as an 
author through his stories, and as a person.  He can be the kindest, 
and then the most brutally truthful.  He is funny and sombre in one 
page.  He can do anything you'd ever dreamed possible, and be 
everything you ever loved about an author.  And since this is a 
review of a specific book, yes, he does all of it in 
'Troublemakers'.  

If you consider yourself a well-read person, you should at least 
read something of his.  If you already have, tell your friends.  
They'll love you.  

---
Melissa DeWilde wants to be Harlan Ellison when she grows up.  She 
hopes he won't mind sharing.  

-------------------------------------------

CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org.

CoN: Canada beat the US Olympic Hockey team 5 to 2.  Canadians were 
shocked. Canada has not won gold in hockey for fifty years.

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome

http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost
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