Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume IV, Issue 9, AD MCMXCIX
Wednesday, May 26, 1999
ISSN 1482-0471
-------------------------------------------

"We did about 30 takes because I wanted to get the tchk-tchk sound 
perfectly [...] you have to keep reminding yourself: when it's all over, 
a scene like this is going to make kids and adults see it for the next 
hundred years."
-- Liam Neeson, playing the part of Qui-Gon Jinn, in regards to a scene 
that was less than a second long.

-------------------------------------------

"My favourite `Star Wars' character was Darth Vader.  He's evil.  He fit 
my personality."
-- Jake Llyod as Anakin Skywalker.

-------------------------------------------

1.  Editorial
2.  Good Seats
3.  The Phantom Menace(SPOILERS)
4.  Looking for Replacements? (God in the 21st Century)
5.  The Real World
6.  Striped stockings saved my life!
-------------------------------------------

This week's Golden Testicle awards:

Milk, does the Sith good.

http://tpm.streetpreacher.com/media/posters/sharkeymaulmilk.jpg

Jar Jar Must Die

http://www.jarjarmustdie.com

-------------------------------------------

1. Editorial
By CoN Staff

Welcome to Issue 9 of Capital of Nasty.  No, we are not dead as it
probably seemed.  We were patiently awaiting for an article in regards
to Star Wars, just to keep the entire issued themed,  but since it
never made it to our mailbox, it will just go as is.

Garrett Winters writes in regards to our comment in the Editorial:

>>    This issue is secretely dedicated to the folks subscribed to
>>    the Def Con 7 mailing list. Be good.  Obey street signs.  Read
>>    CoN. 
>
>     I do read it, and when I see sly little messages like this one
>     I get curious. What exactly is Def Con 7? and why is this
>     secretly dedicated to them ( don't you think that by virtue of
>     the act of telling us that it would nullify the secrecy of it
>     all?) :)  

True, but if we did not mention this, we'd never have proof that you 
actually had read the issue, right?
Beside, Def Con 7 people know who they are. ;-)

June Donaldson tells us what she thinks of CoN:

>    sorry, too boring

This type of comment proves why I need to scan my ass and forward it.

J. Bell from Communist Idaho, comments:

>     Nice, very nice.  Once again, it's time for me to write a
>     response to your previous responses to CoN.  I think you guys
>     should just let me have a section of CoN every issue where I
>     just make the pity fools who write these ignorant replies feel
>     even more stupid than they actually are... oh yeah, that's
>     already a part of CoN. ;) Anyhow, I just feel the need to drop
>     a comment or two.  
>
>>    Bryan Newman states:
>>    Anyone who "eats" at Subway must be Very Stupid.
>
>     Well, dammit, I happen to like Subway.  Of course, I live in a
>     whole different part of the country, in a nice little rural
>     town, so there might, or might not, be a reason to differ
>     there.  But hey, Brian Newman is still an idiot, so it's
>     doesn't matter.  
>
>>    _the_devil_you_know protests: 
>>
>>    "Brought to you by C.C.C.P. (Collective Communist Computing
>>    Proletariat)" 
>>
>>    What the fuck do you mean by Communist boy? We beat them
>>    godless 
>
>     I do believe the Bolshevics believed in God. 
>
>>    Bolshevic arseholes into submission. 
>
>     Then why the hell is there any such thing as "war with a
>     Soviet country" if the Bolshevics were beaten into submisison
>     by whoever "we" is? 
>
>>    You better remove that offending word or I'm gonna get all
>>    NATO on yer ass....... 
>
>     Would he be referring to the same NATO that has been bombing
>     some 3rd world country for a month just to save some no-name
>     minority that has already been pushed into another country? 
>     The same NATO that is obviously doing minimal damage this 3rd
>     world "army"?  That "army", by the way, is also a former
>     Soviet [Bolshevic] country, who, according to one dumbass, was
>     beaten "into submission" already.  But, of course, who really
>     knows, or cares, what the hell is actually going on over
>     there. 
>
>>    USA:  WE ARE THE MIGHTY AMERICANS. WE TAKE SHIT FROM NO-ONE. 
>>    ESPECIALLY THOSE RED-ASS COMMUNISTS. 
>>    CHINA:  Kiss our asses. 
>>    USA:  Ok!  Would that be with tongue or without? 
>
>     It's sad that the USA probably really is the best nation to
>     call your own, isn't it?  Well, excluding Canada, who had
>     nothing to do with anyone or anything except the NHL ;) 

Ben Popken questions the possibility of submissions:

> Am I, as a reader, allowed to submit articles?

While CoN is non-profit and can't (at the moment at least) pay for any 
submissions, articles from our readership are welcomed.  Nicci's and 
Roshni's, for example, are readers turned writers, and their articles 
appear in this issue.  Authors retain full copyrights over the articles.

Omnicolor, the editor if Digital Darkness, kindly comments:

>>    This story appears courtesy of Omnicolour, Editor in Chief of
>>    "Digital Darkness" http://digitaldarkness.com 
>
>     You misspelled my name yet again! Now I'm going to have to
>     kill you slowly and painfully...  

While we await our slow and painful death, we conclude this
editorial with an e-mail from El Gardo:

>>    campus i overhear comments from young girls like "Oh my gawd
>>    is it POSSIBLE to look like that?"  "I'd kill for a body like
>>    hers", etc. 
>
>     I've been living in North America for three and a half years.
>     Of these 3.5 years, I have spend 1.5 years in Atlanta. And I
>     have already forgotten what a wonderfully diverse world we
>     have. So it felt really good to go to New Zealand for a few
>     weeks. 
>
>     My American friends started talking about how ugly the girls
>     were... within a week and a half, they said they had counted
>     only four women who looked any good. I was just SCREAMING....
>     WHAT!!??!?!???  I was in HEAVEN! And the girls they were
>     pointing out were rather dull... 
>
>     But then it occured to me... back in the US, everybody is
>     striving to look exactly the same. So many people have the
>     mentality that there are standards for what looks good. And
>     that anything that ISN'T within that standard, is ugly. And it
>     hit me that, while there are people from all over the world in
>     the US, they pretty much look exactly the same! It gets awfully
>     boring, believe me! In New Zealand, the vast majority of the
>     population is British, but the VARIETY of people, how they
>     looked, is just incredible compared to the US. 
>
>     Perhaps it is just me, but I welcome this variety. I welcome
>     the fact that nobody looks like the next person. And I see the
>     beauty in all of these people. When I get back to the US, I
>     know I'm going back to one of the most boring places in the
>     world, where everyone look the same. Even though... 
>     I know a place up in Roswell, where the Columbian waitresses
>     look a little different... 
>
>>    Every sub, with the one exception of tuna, tastes exactly like
>>    every other sub. 
>
>     Actually, the only reason it tastes the same is that you keep
>     ordering the same ones, with the same stuff on them... I can
>     walk in and order pizza sub every day for a week, and still
>     have them taste different every time, because I change what I
>     put in it besides the cheese and salami. 
>
>>    "I can't help but wonder if Easter has been entirely lost on
>>    the human race.  I mean, they did it to Christmas.  It became
>>    less about the birth of Christ, and more about a fat man in a 
>
>     I can't help but wonder if Yule has been entirely lost on the
>     human race. 
>     I mean... it has become less and less about giving, about
>     enjoying the night together as a familiy and care about
>     eachother. Instead, these Christians are pushing in, changing
>     the name to "Christmas" and start yabbing about this JC Penny
>     guy from Israel! I WANT MY YULE BACK!!! 
>
>>    "My question to you is, where did chocolate bunnies and eggs
>>    come in? Did everyone celebrate in his resurrection by biting 
>
>     My question to you is, where did this Jesus guy come in???!?! 
>
>>    3.  How May I Help You? Or The Day the Information Booth
>>    Exploded 
>>    By Samantha Stasiuk 
>
>     Next time, I'd like to see an article about "how to approach,
>     pleasanty surprise and sweep the feet off beautiful information
>     booth employees".  :^) 

Our next issue, hopefully publishing in time, will deal with the plague.
Send your bitching to con@capnasty.org or by hitting reply to this issue.

-------------------------------------------

2.  Good Seats
By Jeff Wright

	Good seats is one of the few good things I can say about my 
experience the other night (1:15 a.m. May 19th) watching Star Wars 
Episode I: The Phantom Menace.  I, along with others, arrived at the 
theatre with plenty of time to spare.  This is what got us our good 
seats.  The anticipation that built up during the wait, wasn't that 
powerful for my part.  I was looking forward to a new Star Wars movie.  I 
like Star Wars, and I like Empire.  Jedi has its moments, but it's a 
pretty uneven movie.  So here I am, sitting in a theatre; not that big a 
fan, but enough to be interested.  I had heard bad things, and I had 
heard good things, so I wasn't expecting to be blown away.  I was sooooo 
right.

	The first thing I was looking forward to was the trailer to The 
Fight Club, the new David Fincher film with Ed Norton and Brad Pitt.  I 
had heard that it along with the trailers for Anna & The King, and The 
Beach were attached to all prints.  Sadly this wasn't the case.  I must 
have looked like quite the fool, after having, every fifteen minutes or 
so reminded my peers "The first rule of fight club?  You don't talk about 
fight club.  The second rule of fight club?  You don't talk about fight 
club".  Damn I want to see that flic!!!!  So, bad start.  I see the 
Lucasfilm logo come up and I haven't seen my trailer.  I'm pissed.  I'm 
ready to hate this movie!

	The music starts, the Star Wars logo comes onto the screen.  I'm 
suddenly hyped!!!  THIS IS A NEW STAR WARS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

	The scroll starts, and I giggle a little bit.  Who cares about some 
trade embargo.  I want some Jedi action.  The movie delivers some cool 
Jedi action early on.  I'm groovin with it, cuz it's pretty neat 
(especially one use of a lightsaber to open a door).  That sequence is 
over, now I'm starting to realize that this is gonna be shit.  
Everything's CGI, therefore everything looks pretty fake (save those 
robots from the trailers, they look surprisingly realistic).  Backgrounds 
have been digitally added poorly (you can plainly see that the actor's 
were shot in front of a bluescreen).  Characters are just plain stupid.  
Yes, Jar Jar is one of those stupid characters.  Just not as stupid and 
annoying as little Ani(kin).  Who would have thought that you would have 
to listen to a little kid yelling "YIPPEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!" in a Star Wars 
movie?  A whole lot of this movie relies on attempts to get an audience 
reaction.  One scene that sticks out terribly is one in which R2D2 has 
just done something brave.  The Queen asks what his robot number is.  Her 
guard, slowly walks over, looks at the droid, gets back up, then tells 
the queen that his number is R2D2.

	I'm not going to go into all that's bad about this movie, because 
A) it would require a lot of spoiler information, and B) it would require 
me to think back on it, and I really don't want to.

	I'll tell you what I did like.  I liked the pod racer sequence, and 
the big fight between Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Darth Maul.  Actually, I 
liked that fight up until the fake looking end.  But to be fair, that 
fight is easily the best lightsaber fight in all the Star Wars movies.  I 
also liked the few occasions where Ewan McGreggor put on his Alec Guiness 
impression.  Oh, and that cool lightsaber thing I mentioned earlier.  But 
that's all that I liked.  Everything else sent me out of the theatre 
angry.  Others must have been left unsatisfied as well, because when the 
movie started, there was huge applause.  When it was over, maybe a third 
of the theatre clapped.

	Once outside the theatre, I started to spit the bad taste out of my 
mouth.  This has since become my way of telling people how the movie is.  
"Um.  Let me find the words.  (SPIT)  Yeah, that's about it."

	I doubt I'll ever watch this movie again, and if I do, it's gonna 
be a long time from now.  And I'm sure as hell not going to see Episode 
II, unless Lucas doesn't direct, and gives it to someone more capable of 
making an enjoyable movie.

	So, I didn't like it.  That's the bottom line I guess.  I realize 
that most people HAVE to see it, and I understand.  But for those of you 
who don't really care if you see it or not, save your money.  And if 
you're really interested in seeing it, here's my script on how to 
condense the movie down to about 15 minutes.  You'll need a VCR, a 
camcorder, a bootleg copy of the movie, and a dog (a big dog works best).

__________________

FADE IN:
SPACE

TITLE:  STAR WARS
THE SCROLL:  EPISODE I:  THE PHANTOM MENACE
		Blah, blah, blah about the trading, and the Jedis.

CUT TO:
Your dog licking his dick in your backyard.

CUT TO: 
The pod racing scene.

CUT TO:
Your dog sniffing the grass in your backyard.

CUT TO:
The duel of the fates (fight between Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Darth Maul).

CUT TO: 
Your dog, squatting and shitting in your backyard.

CUT TO:
A still photograph of George Lucas, and his flabby neck.

CUT TO:
A CLOSE UP of your dog's steaming pile.
__________________

	Edit that baby together, and give it to all your friends.  They may 
not appreciate your attempt to save them money and pain right away, but 
once the idjits go see the movie, they'll come crawling back to you.  
They'll thank you, tell you how good a friend you are, and how they'll 
never doubt you again.

-------------------------------------------

3.  The Phantom Menace (SPOILERS)
By William Denton

I think it's time the list took on the new Star Wars movie.  I bet 4 out 
of 5 subscribers would count themselves big Star Wars fans and 2/3 of the 
subscribers have seen _The Phantom Menace_.  I caught it last night, and 
thought it was a letdown.  I hadn't let myself in for much hype--I'd 
avoided all trailers, teasers, articles, clips, and so on beforehand, and 
just had my own anticipation to go on--and I didn't expect the best movie 
ever made, but I did hope for more.  Here are a few thoughts.

There were a number of things I didn't like.  First, needless complicated 
piffle like midichlorians, virgin births and prophecies.  There's talk in 
the newsgroups that the microbes will figure in the upcoming cloning (as 
in the Clone Wars), but who cares?  A poor rationalization like that is 
more suitable for Star Trek.  Virgin births?  Virgin births!  Why toss 
something like that in and then forget about it?  Surely there are better 
ways to account for the lack of a father or lack of knowledge of him.  
And this prophecy thing is hokey.  Every time I hear about a prophecy now 
(except for DS9) I think about David Eddings' two series of stunningly 
awful fantasy, and I want to run away.

And then there's Jar Jar Binks, one of the most annoying characters I've 
ever seen in a movie.  That entire race of his was stupid, and I could 
barely understand a word any of them said.  The top guy was done by Brian 
Blessed, who's a fine actor (he was the ghost in Branagh's _Hamlet_, and 
Augustus in that BBC production of _I, Claudius_), but even he was 
annoying.  Why an entire race of creatures speaks pidgin English, I don't 
know.  I hope Darth someone blows up their planet real good.

The first thing that clued me in that the movie wouldn't be all I hoped 
for was the opening shot of the pan down from the field of stars.  In the 
previous movies, this is followed by an incredibly immense starship going 
by.  In _A New Hope_, I remember thinking that this ship was the most 
immense thing I had ever seen in my entire life.  It went on and on and 
on and never seemed to stop.  There'd never been an opening shot like it.  
In this movie, we get the opening title and the scrolling exposition 
(which was great to see) and then some piddly little ship pulling in 
around some planet.  Big deal.  

The thing that disappointed me most, though, was the lack of weight.  The 
movie didn't have enough depth and power, aside from a few scenes, to 
show how immensely powerful and important these people will be.  I know 
it's just Episode 1, mostly set-up, but even a sketch of future events 
that's mostly laying groundwork should be able to get across that these 
are giants we're seeing.  They should carry the entire weight of the 
three middle movies behind them, because while those events haven't 
happened yet, we know they will.  Perhaps it's better so say they should 
be pushing the weight of those events ahead of them as they press forward 
into the grim future.  I hope that Episode 2 settles into place and the 
characters start to come into their own.  Having an adult Anakin will be 
a big help here.  

There were some dumb bits, like Anakin destroying the space station; 
anything involving Gungans; and Shmi Skywalker remaining behind so she 
can be saved, or found dead, later.  There were some good bits, like the 
duel between Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul (although I must say 
I've seen swordfights filmed much better); John Williams' score;  the way 
all the events were set up by Senator Palpatine so he can become 
Chancellor; and the enormous Senate chamber. But the best part of the 
whole movie lasted less than ten seconds and was probably missed by most 
people:  the final sound in the movie, after all the credits have rolled 
by, is the sound of Darth Vader breathing in, out, in and out.

Thoughts?  Flames?  Opinions?  Surely there are many Star Wars geeks out 
there ready to debate this.


ObSRH:  If things go as planned, expect to hear some exciting news in a 
little while.  *wink*

-------------------------------------------

4. Looking for Replacements?
(God in the 21st Century)
By Roshni Bajaj

"Got enough guilt to start my own religion."
    ~ Tori Amos in  'Crucify'

In this piece:
Let us start with the basic assumption that majority of the population 
believes in a God. Let us assume that he does exist. But not unarguably.

For atheists - there's food for thought, too.
The second assumption being that any pronoun which begins with a capital 
letter refers to Him. For political correctness & easier reading.

Forget modern day messiahs, pop icons have an opinion about Him.
Momentous occasions in our lives spin us back to our faith. God, over the 
next 100 years, hmmm? With the million agendas, hidden or otherwise - 
does the world have the time to think about him? How much credit would 
Warren Buffet give to God for sound investments? What about your washer-
lady between feeding her husband and 7th child? And your local political 
heavyweight? The liftman - when he between the 4th & 5th floors? The 
manager of the textile mill at new Bombay? The Children flying kites on 
the terrace?

It's been a rare day. I thought about His existence & purpose. A few 
random notes.

The praying reflex It is not because we believe that the Great Guy Up 
There is listening and sorting out our problems one by one. He never was 
a genie on the run, trying to grant anyone's wishes. Besides no one has 
ever conclusively & scientifically proved that he exists.

Most of us pray because - we've got to talk to someone. And by merely 
being silent god's the best listener one can imagine. Because we do 
imagine that is there.

One-stop-shop
Your arch rival is praying for the same horrid things that you wish him.

He believes you deserve it as much as you think he does. He truly thinks 
that of the two - he is more righteous, justified and basically virtuous. 
Funny, the same thoughts run through your head. I doubt God runs a 
company where Directors are assigned to various species of humans. So 
it's the same guy listening to him, to you, to me, and the owner of the 
stand where your morning paper was bought. Go figure his priorities.

In time of need
So you prayed when your team was selected. Then again, when you narrowly 
made that submission deadline. Once more when your love brought you 
unimaginable bliss. Plus when your project ran through with accolades. Or 
when your chocolate brownies did not get burnt. When you spent the day 
with a school pal after ages. Your boss gave you the new cabin. You 
missed getting run over.

Hey, no one does. For if we pray for all the serendipity in our lives, we 
won't have the time to really live. God's around the corner when we feel 
life falls short of expectations. He is there for the time the brownies 
do get burnt and your dog dies and the professor need a little pleading 
to get those grace marks and when a raise would be most welcome.

In the next hundred years, God will take less of our time. Like today's 
kids - we will expect a superachiever who minds his own business and does 
his job well.
God Inc. with sound liquidity & a growth plan.

Artificial Life
Don't know if you missed it last month - but I almost did. A 
supersomething scientist in a freaky enormous lab in the developed part 
of the world (the papers told me) has synthesized a gene. In extremely 
simplistic terms - he has created the basic unit of life from plastic 
compounds. He has made life. And all this while the world is under the 
assumption that God has monopoly rights on those kind of things. 
Fascinated? Frightened? I don't know how to react yet - because this puts 
little question marks on things like Karma, re-incarnation, re-birth, the 
soul and other such personal faith.

One popular entity
Run a search on your friendly neighbourhood search engine and here are 
the stats.
GOD; 21ST CENTURY : 1.5 MILLION HITS

The Internet is the medium with the message for the next century. We see 
cultures steeped in rituals, beliefs and traditions. Our holy books tell 
us how to live. They are beacons in a fog for some and as important as 
the morning cuppa to some.

The Net - rivetted to technology and the mindset of generation to come.  
It is also an unbiased transmitter for anyone with a voice. It almost 
runs a "situations vacant/wanted" for new faith. For the disillusioned 
lot - there is new hope and for the cynical - lots of loyal company.  
Chats on the Almighty and sites professing the Second Coming. Got a 
religion? Broadcast it.

You don't know what it is (but it makes you comfortable)
That is reason enough to hold your belief in God, in your religion or 
your choice to abstain from it. God has been & will be a choice.
That doesn't change.

---

Roshni is a 20 year old student in Bombay, India, studying Ancient 
Computer Programming, and loving it all, in a cynical, sadistic sort of 
way.

-------------------------------------------

5.  Living in the Real World
By Jason MacIsaac

Shortly after Grade 6, all the authority figures in my life became 
obsessed with my future.  Gosh, it was awfully nice of them.  They 
worried about it so much that I figured there was plenty to cover 
everything, so I didn't do a whole lot of worrying myself.

Though, to hear them tell it, after Grade 6 I was continually on the 
verge of some great and savage frontier, where if I didn't smarten up, 
I'd be eaten alive.  You were probably given many similar speeches.  Oh, 
they used different terminology I'm sure, but it all amounted to the same 
thing.  You were about to enter THE REAL WORLD (All caps, underscore, 
exclamation).  That's probably how you heard it phrased most.

It was such a common phrase when I grew up.  How everything was different 
in THE REAL WORLD, how I wouldn't get away with that in THE REAL WORLD, 
how everything was so much tougher in THE REAL WORLD.  Being young and 
inexperienced, I did believe things sometimes, but a healthy streak of 
skepticism remained in me.   This was because I spotted the erroneous 
assumption.  They all said that THE REAL WORLD was tough, cruel, 
unforgiving, assuming that things as they stood now didn't already blow 
beyond belief.  Which they did.

It also didn't help that they were continually changing their minds about 
what THE REAL WORLD actually was.  Most times they seemed to be referring 
to life after school, when you needed to have a job.  But I also heard it 
in reference to College/University, and even to high school!  

Fortunately, the person who told us that was laughed out of the building. 
Unsurprisingly, it was a guidance counselor. Some people like to go and 
watch stand-up routines at comedy clubs.  Me, I'll take a guidance 
counselor over a stand-up comedian any day.  I have found memories of 
filling out aptitude tests and being told to "fill them out honestly" 
then being told writing "This sucks, and I want to see some proof of your 
teaching qualifications you quack" on them was not the kind of honesty 
they were looking for.

As young and inexperienced as we were, it soon became hopelessly apparent 
that whatever THE REAL WORLD was, high school definitely wasn't it.  Or 
if it was, this was final proof that God didn't exist.  

They tried to convince us in elementary school that a) God did exist; and 
b) high school was the real world were we would finally be responsible 
for ourselves and would sink or swim on our own merits.  Well, I'm not 
really qualified to discuss a), but I can tell you that b) was something 
that you'd spread on your lawn for a thick, green, and healthy growth.   

One of the things that they told us is that in high school, nobody would 
check our homework, so if we didn't do it, we'd get into lazy habits and 
not learn anything.  First to this I say, "lazy habits"?!  Do you know 
how much fucking work there is in not doing your homework?  You should 
see the brilliant measures I resorted to.  I am particularly proud of the 
time I copied someone's weather map for Grade 7 science and received a 
higher mark than they did.  Let me tell you, I learned a hell of a lot 
from that incident.  

And of course, the whole business about them not checking your homework 
is clearly..aha.false.  In very few ways does high school encourage any 
kind of independence.  In fact, it is heartily discouraged.  How many 
times have you wanted to slightly deviate from an assignment and have 
them shoot down your idea?  Anyone who's well read in a particular topic 
will not be a source of information or insight in a high class 
discussion, but a nuisance.  This is because they introduce information 
that takes the conversation from black and white issues, to greys.  
Nowhere is this more apparent than in a Catholic high school, and a moral 
issue is raised.  The simple fact is that the more you know about 
abortion, capital punishment, equal rights for real estate agents, etc., 
the harder it is to have a straight "Yes" or "No" opinion.  Trying 
explaining that to the teacher.

In high school, the real world became University/College.  They were 
really going to rip us a new one.  Oddly enough, since I was constantly 
railing against high school, I found university, which was genuinely more 
open and relaxed, I was able to enjoy myself.  In fact, I discovered I 
finally had the free hand to do what I'd always wanted to do anyway.  
That's the great contradiction of high school.  They want you to take 
responsibility for yourself by conforming to their rules as closely as 
possible.  This, in preparation for THE REAL WORLD of College/University.

Ah, but there's a snag.  I found that the ones who had closely conformed 
were the ones least prepared.  The ones that had spent every day in high 
school in an immaculate, letter of the regulation uniforms and were on 
student counsel panicked when their support network was yanked away.  
They were the ones who freaked out first.  They would quickly shave their 
heads and dyed any remaining hair blue or pink or purple.  They would sit 
in the front row and eat up every word the leftist sociology professor 
said (and it was usually stuff about how their life until this point and 
everything about it had been a lie).  They were also the first ones to 
join the cults.  The ones that struggled with every rule in high school, 
and had even been social outcasts, they fit right in.  I admit my 
experience might be different, but my University days felt more real than 
most times in my life.  

It's not that they were cruel either, for the most part.  They just let 
us make up our own minds.  If we didn't come to class, most teachers were 
willing to say so what?  There were exceptions, but they were easy enough 
to ignore.  Unlike the tight reigns of high school, they were fewer means 
of retaliating against us.  What's more, if pushed, we could push back.  
They were recourses for disgruntled students, and official channels to 
complain to.  In my program, every teacher was evaluated by the students 
at the end of the year.  And yes, they did listen.  One teacher of a new 
course was not invited back after the first year.  Another was 
reprimanded for her teaching style, and was apparently a complete nervous 
wreck the following year.

Despite how good I felt about my University days, they denied it was THE 
REAL WORLD too.  That would be after I graduated, and found a job.

I am now employed in a field where one of my responsibilities is playing 
computer games, and have been so employed for three years.  I employ 
other people who do the same thing.

I seem to vaguely remember some of the many speeches I was told about THE 
REAL WORLD, and I do remember that computer games were not supposed to 
factor into it.  

Pretty soon I stopped thinking about it as THE REAL WORLD (All caps, 
underscore, exclamation), but as simply "The Real World" and then "the 
real world" and finally I couldn't even be bother to spell it right "teh 
reel wurld."

Now that I have a job, pay rent, taxes, nobody talks much about teh reel 
wurld.  It seems to me that what you have right now is THE REAL WORLD, 
and it can be as harsh or as kind as you and the others around you make 
it.  

It's a collaborative process too.  Nobody has authority over it, though 
they might think they do.  So if in your corner of reality, someone is 
being a hard ass and saying "that's not what it's like in teh reel wurld, 
well, they are right, only because they are defining the rules. So if you 
don't like those rules, break them all, and send that twit packing.  Or 
move to a better reality and leave the bleak reality to those that are 
determined to have it.  

---

.nosear tnerappa ylidaer on rof sdrawkcab siht nettirw sah caasIcaM nosaJ

-------------------------------------------

6.  Striped stockings saved my life!
By Nicci

Striped stockings saved my life!

Today, I ran out of gas on the highway.
Thank god, I dressed appropriately.

Sweater knit tank top,
jean shorts,
thigh-high stockings with black and white horizontal stripes,
and 4 inch heels.

I didn't have my cell phone with me.
Thank god, I dressed appropriately.

It took all of two minutes to flag down a man.
Who stopped because he was a good Samaritan.
Of course.

Of course it was the stockings.

And so, he let me use his cell phone.
And I called the CAA.
And I was very gracious.
To both of them, of course.

And the nice man who stopped
because he was a good Samaritan
put his tongue back into his mouth and got back into his car.

And so I waited for the tow truck.
And waited, and waited.
And then a tow truck came.
But grrrr, it wasn't from the CAA.
And so, he put his tongue back in his mouth and got back into his truck.
He was a disgusting slob of a beast anyway.
And I didn't have any cash. So I waited for the CAA.
And the fuckers didn't come!!!!!

So I got out of my car, looking for the CAA.
And another truck stopped.
It was the stockings.
Of course.
He was a landscape guy.
Landscape guys have lawnmowers in their trucks.
Lawnmowers need gas.

Joy!

The nice lawnmower guy gave me free gas.
It was the stockings.

Of course!

---
When not wearing bizarre clothing to school and abroad Nicci can be found 
in front of her computer veraciously typing out reams of HTML script.  
Please send marriage proposals, happy meal prizes, and Chapters.ca gift 
certificates to Leandro, the editor of this groovy e-mag, because well, 
he's lonely, and Nicci has all of her imaginary friends to keep her 
company already.

-------------------------------------------

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-- IMPROV

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome

http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

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Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro          Colin Barrett
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ZimID 708EC8D1  1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32  7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
