Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume V, Issue 12, AD MM
Monday, September 25, 2000
ISSN 1482-0471
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Urine Test For Pepsi Unpopular: 
After IBM and Coke paid billions for sponsorship rights, Sydney 
spectators on Olympic grounds are subject to being searched for 
(banned) cans of Pepsi, which are strictly Not Allowed. Also any 
non-IBM laptops must have the computer brand name taped over. The 
conditions are official Olympic policy.
 - http://www.amnewsabuse.com

-------------------------------------------

"If there's grass on the field, play ball. And if the grass hasn't 
grown yet, we got Astroturf."
 - Jesus, Bastard Son Of The Lord homepage 

http://www.passport.ca/~shaft/

-------------------------------------------

1.  Editorial
2.  Being Misquoted
3.  The Bastard Assistant Editor From Hell
4.  The Toronto International Film Festival Report
-------------------------------------------

This week's Golden Testicle award:

http://www.normalbobsmith.com/jesusdressup.html

Dress Up Jesus

Submitted by Peter Steen
-------------------------------------------

1. Editorial

By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro

The elevator in my building looks much more modern than the art deco 
sculpting on the outside, or that horrible Chinese-style lobby.  
However this thing averages a speed of half a kilometre a day.  That 
is, if you don't include the 30 seconds it takes to open the doors, 
the other 30 seconds for them to close, then 10 seconds it takes for 
the fan to turn itself on, the extra 5 seconds as it figures out 
what floor you are going to.  Then, repeat the above backwards, when 
it arrives to your floor.  And since I live on the second floor (or 
first, if you come from the other side), it seems kind of stupid to 
do so.

So I usually take the stairs.

Taking the stairs involves going in front of apartment 111.
As I am going by, I see the superintendent busy working on the lock.
"Hi Ken" I go "what's up?"
"Oh hi there Leo, just trying to free this lock.  Someone put a 
match into the lock and the tenant can't get back in"
"That's horrible," I say, "who would do such a thing?"

I knew exactly who did it, actually.  It was I.

I hear constantly from co-workers or friends how they hate this or 
that neighbour, may it be from the loud Micheal Bolton (who sings 
like a man in the process of being castrated by a surgeon with a 
dull knife) playing or that timed banging sound against the wall, 
served with loud sex moans at 4 AM.  But do they do anything about 
it?  No.

I hated my neighbour for one simple reason: everytime I'd walk by to 
go to the stairs, her apartment door would be open, the TV blaring, 
and the awful smell of garlic, onions and raw fish would infest my 
lungs.  Repeat this for several months.  I began to question if 
that's all she ate.

If that weren't enough, if you dared to look in her apartment (which 
was impossible not to do since if you looked ahead of you, her door 
was right in front of you), she'd give you the dirtiest look ever.  
The final drop was when she swore at me and slammed the door on my 
face.

I decided she had lived in this building for too long.

I began by doing simple stuff.  First of all, the door that leads to 
the stairs, when opened, blocks her door.  I armed myself with a 
small triangular piece of wood, opened the door, and jammed it every 
morning before heading for work.  Sometimes if I woke up in the 
middle of the night, I'd go and jam it open again.

A few weeks later I got tired of this and went to the local hardware 
store to see what they had.  They have amazing stuff there; you 
should check it out.  Plus it's legal to carry 99% of this stuff 
under your trenchcoat.

Two compound glue proved to be my best friend.  I went down in the 
lobby, located her mailbox and with the aid of a thin piece of wood, 
I glued the little door shut.

Then I waited for her to leave to go to work, and I proceeded to put 
a match into her lock, and drench it in Crazy glue.  Crazy glue is 
great because thanks to the capillary nature of the product, it 
seeps in the keyhole like a charm.

Yesterday morning she finished loading the last box out of her 
apartment and on into the truck.  Never to be seen again.  Ken said 
she was frustrated and extremely angry about the abuse she received.  
I listened totally mesmerised and shocked about some of the things 
that had been done to her.  Who would dare?  Meanwhile today I 
enjoyed going up and down the stairs without the smell of garlic, 
onion and raw fish.

Two doors down however, someone new moved in.  She has a dog.  The 
moment you blow a fart in the corridor, that little bitch starts 
barking.  Maybe I should go see what the hardware store has in 
special this week.

---

This week we have a particularly long issue.  Almost as long as the 
ever-famous and dreadful "Last Dinosaur" issue.  I expect to receive 
about a zillion "usrcubribe" requests (along with further variations 
on that spelling).  Seriously, folks, the unsubscribe instructions 
are at the bottom of every issue.

Also, due to a request from contributors and some readers, we're 
going back into the Theme based issues of CoN.  As usual, send in 
your suggestions (not that I am expecting any.  Damn you all!  Damn 
you all to hell!)

Enjoy this issue.

-------------------------------------------

2.  Being Misquoted

By Jason MacIsaac

Everybody's got a little quirk when it comes to the English 
language. Some people just hate hearing certain things--it causes 
your frontal lobe to growl, your face to grimace, it clenches your 
butt cheeks.  Some people hate seeing commonly misspelled words like 
"alot," double-negatives, or non-existent words like "irregardless."  
With me, it's the improper use of quotation marks.

Okay, not everyone's a great speller.  Some people don't need to be 
real great writers (like myself) in their every day lives.  Fine. 
But this is a pretty basic rule folks, and the clue to its use is 
right in the name. QUOTATION MARKS.  You like, use these whenever 
you're quoting somebody.  

1.  "Hello there," he greeted.  "How are you?"

2.  "Quack, quack," said the duck.

3.  "Yes, I'm having an affair with a prostitute," said the Member 
of Parliament.  "The sex is fantastic. You got that?"

4.  "If the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand 
years, men will say, `this was their finest hour.'" --Winston 
Churchill.

That last one actually had a quotation within a quotation.  See how 
I quoted ol' Winston quoting someone else?  He's speculating that 
there will come a day when there are people who say "This was their 
finest hour," and evening though they don't exist yet, their speech 
is still put in quotes.  To distinguish their voice from 
Churchill's.  This is an especially important use of quotation 
marks.  Often you will need to convey information from other people, 
but you don't necessarily want to attach your personal endorsement 
to the information.  For example:

According to the contractor, the idea that the roof would fall in 
was "extremely unlikely."

So when the roof caves in, and people demand why you said that it 
was extremely unlikely that the roof would fall in, you can say 
"Hey, I didn't say it.  The contractor did.  I just repeated what he 
said.  Get it?"

Not many do get it.  It seems that people like to use quotation 
marks when they're trying to emphasize something, make it stand out.  
That's what all caps, underscoring and bold is for.  

Here are a few examples I've noticed.

1.  Keep your grimmy hands off "MY STUFF"
 -seen scribbled on a staff room locker

Let's assume this bard meant "grimy" and skip right to the heart of 
the matter.  Okay, he wants to establish ownership, or territory, 
like a dog pissing on a tree.  But it's redundant here--he's all 
ready used all caps, and then he further tries to emphasize 
possession with an inappropriate use of quotations marks.  
Incidentally, he also underlined "MY STUFF" for good measure.  I 
guess if this failed to deter invaders and thieves, the next step 
would be to really piss on the locker.  Hey, have you ever been in 
an employee locker room?  This theory isn't that far out.

2.  Fish and Chips "Halibut" 
-on a restaurant menu

Sometimes it's better to just say nothing.  Here the menu writer is 
basically saying "The boss referred to it as 'halibut,' not me."  In 
other words, the likelihood of that greasy piece of batter actually 
containing any halibut is very small.  It's fairly common practice 
for restaurants to have fish made up of cod or halibut "flavored" 
material, which is basically fish bits and pieces left-over, 
processed beyond belief.  But why draw attention to it?

3.  "Another cashier would be only to be pleased to help you"  
-sign on top of an unmanned check-out counter

This is a beauty.  Perhaps this is deliberate, and the writer is 
being very sarcastic.  Most supermarkets are content with a simple 
sign that reads "Closed" or "Next cash please" or at the most 
"Another cashier would be pleased to help you."  None of these would 
have quotation marks, the only reason you see them now is because 
I'm quoting the signs.  "'Another cashier would be only too pleased 
to help you'" suggests that the sign's creator is sniggeringly 
imitating something one of those "Get-up-and-go-I-actually-believe-
the-shit-they-print-in-leadership-technique-books" kind of managers.  
The use of "only too pleased" makes it sound super sarcastic, as if 
the cashier would much rather go down to the Cleaning Supplies isle 
and chug a bottle of bleach rather than serve another customer.  Go 
ahead, try and say what's on that sign without sounding sarcastic.  
It can't be done.  You might as well say, "Oh, forgive my lack of 
openness, oh high and mighty customer.  Might I, your lowly servant, 
implore you to take your custom one cashier down, you of the giant 
wallet and huge penis I've no doubt?"

It's very easy to remember.  If you are quoting somebody, be they 
real or speculative, use quotation marks.  If you're not, don't use 
`em.   Real simple.

By the way, I am aware that the guy who runs Spinneweb also did a 
rant like this.  I'd already started mine when I discovered his.  
I'm glad I'm not alone in my strange obsessions.  Perhaps the two of 
us could get together and spread the word.  "Another ranter would be 
only too please to blast you down."

---
Jason MacIsaac says "Beat me Daddy, eight to the bar" without 
knowing what it means.

-------------------------------------------

3.    The Bastard Assistant Editor From Hell

By Goat "I'm not bitter" boy

So I'm sitting at my job and my phone rings.
"Heeeello, ShaftCorp" goes I "How may I be of assistance?"

Which is kind of silly to answer the phone like that, since the only 
people that call me are my girlfriend and S.O.B.s from other 
departments that can't get their fat asses off their chair.

"Can you check a couple of the images for me?"

Ah. It's the new guy in marketing.

"'Cuz they don't come out right on the browser?" he goes.
"Sorry," I say very politely, "but it's not my department" and I 
rest my phone back into the cradle.
Actually, it might've been.  But I've been at this job since January 
and I haven't been told what my position is yet.  Oh well.  With a 
10mbps-fibre connection at my disposal, I have better things to do 
than to see his images.

While I surf the net and start checking out my favourite sites, and 
making a mental note to redirect my calls to reception, one of the 
news guys starts to call my name.  I don't answer, despite the fact 
that I can hear perfectly, mostly because I don't like him.

On the list of people that I do not like, he's at the very bottom; 
with about half-a-dozen spaces in between him and the second last 
guy.

My excuse for not answering are the headphones I'm wearing, playing 
a large stash of stolen Mp3 songs.  He keeps calling my name, hoping 
he doesn't have to get up, until finally, tired of screaming my name 
out loud to the point the people on the fourth floor can hear him, 
he taps me on the shoulder.

"Yes?" I chirp with the biggest smile ever, on my face.
"I need you to take these boxes and scan them, together with this 
flier, ASAP".

No please, no nothing.  Now I'm hurt.

"Sure thing B.!" I say "but first, if it's okay with you, I have to 
finish rewriting the routing table partition to reflect the new 
changes that we've encurred after the upgrade to Windows 2000, since 
the old OCDB system was causing fault protection errors and we were 
getting runtime issues do to it".

Or something like that.

Unable to answer B. just gives me this blank look.

"Oh"

The kind of remark you make when someone shoved something long and 
large, up your rectum and you weren't expecting it.

"O-Okay" he goes "maybe later, let me know"
"Will do!" I say happily.

Suckers.  One born every minute.
Besides, it seems there is only one scanner in this entire office, 
and the woman that sits next to it has the reputation of eating 
fresh testicles for lunch, when asked to use it.  Well, not with me 
of course, but nobody needs to know that.

I go back into my ultra-comfortable chair, specifically stolen from 
someone else and go back to what I was doing.  An e-mail arrives, 
but on the corporate account I am assigned.  Not to worry!  
Fortunately it auto-replies to all things sent with an automated 
message:

	One or more of the following may apply to your message:
	a) Don't know
	b) Don't care
	c) Not my department
	d) All of the above

It saves me so much time in the morning reading my mail, which I 
spend instead, drinking coffee and talking to the pretty 
receptionist, listening to her newly discovered FedEx skills.

Of course on occasions I get someone coming up to me and asking me 
why certain things haven't been done.
"Did you not get my e-mail?" they scream, with bits of saliva flying 
in my general direction and their awful bad breath.

"Of course, did you not get my reply?" and they run back to check 
their Outlook program, assuming it has managed not to crash in the 
past 5 minutes or caught yet another virus.  They'll never find the 
reply they are looking for and this buys me a good hour until an 
early lunch.

Perhaps I should finish my RRP program (Random Response Program) and 
have it create a reply based on the words of the received message.

Meanwhile something else went wrong with a new article posted, the 
database buggered up and Windows 2000 comes up with yet another 
bug... er... feature.  Upgrading to Win2000 was great, since it 
causes the server to screw up constantly, and I'm kindly begged to 
fix it.

This has caused me to become totally indispensable for the company, 
and while it has the downside that I can't take a day off, it means 
job security (through obscurity).

So off I go to spend an obscene amount of time in the server room 
chatting on IRC on the corporate mail server.  I give all the 
priority to the IRC program, causing everyone to get mails with 
incredible delays.  But hey, I hate lag when I chat.

For anyone that looks at me through the windows of the server room, 
it gives the impression I am hard at work, since they can't see the 
screen and only qualified people are allowed in the room.  I don't 
even remember how I managed to become 'qualified' to obtain that 
access, since I'm no sys-administrator, but it may have had to do 
with some black-mailing to the IT general manager a while ago due to 
those photos I found in the digital camera...

After a while, when I get tired of chatting online, I remove my mail 
account from all the internal mailing lists, thus reducing the 
insane amount of corporate propaganda arriving to my box.  It also 
means that messages sent to the entire department, about some new 
task, never arrive to me.  Fortunately if they come around to figure 
this out, the fault will be shifted to one of the poor S.O.B.s in 
the IT department whose in charge of the mail server.

Before exiting the server room, I hit the reset button on the 
database server, and suddenly, everything works fine.

"Does it work now?" I ask, trying to look weary from all the hard 
work and wiping non-existing sweat from my forehead.
"Yes!  Thanks!" screams one, overjoyed his work was not lost.
"What was wrong?" enquires another.
"Oh, nothing, just the [insert weird computer jargon here] and I had 
to fix it by [insert weird computer jargon here]"

"Of course!" says one, having no clue what I just said.
Ironically, neither did I.

---
Goatboy finds censorship amusing.  You can say things such as "I'll 
kick their asses" and everyone is okay about that.  If that kick of 
yours happens to enter someone's rectum and becomes a "I'll shove my 
foot up his or her arse" then it's a bad thing.

-------------------------------------------

4. The Toronto International Film Festival Report

By Jeff Wright

SUNDAY

MOVIE ONE

	My friend and I get in line for a screening of BLUE VELVET.  
It's part of the Dialogues program, in which a filmmaker presents a 
film that has influenced them in some way.  Lynne Stopkewich, the 
director of the highly overrated KISSED presented the film.  She 
stated that she's a huge Lynch fan, and that she sees BLUE VELVET as 
basically, his best work to date.  I'm not sure if I'd agree with 
that, but I do think it's a fantastic film.  
	I found it strange to find out that Lynch keeps the film out 
of revival houses for some reason, and that the print we were seeing 
was only used for film festivals.  The print was recently struck, 
and looked beautiful, save one reel that looked like the old LD 
transfer.
	Needless to say, seeing it in a theatre was a thrill.  The 
only thing that somewhat spoiled the experience was the crowd.  
People were laughing really loudly at things that are only amusing, 
or that weren't funny at all.  Then when a scene like Laura Dern's 
recounting of her dream about the robins came up, they were silent.  
Also in conversation after the screening, Stopkewich and members of 
the audience went about mentioning Freud, and such in relation to 
the film.  Artsy floppers ruin the film festival.

MOVIE TWO

	Down to the Elgin Theatre to see David Mamet's new movie, 
STATE AND MAIN.  It's not a movie theatre.  It's where The Phantom 
Of The Opera was performed, but they convert it so that it can show 
movies because it's big and looks fancy.  Not only is it not a movie 
theatre, but when it's converted into one, it's not a good movie 
theatre.  My friend and I were stuck further back in the auditorium, 
and because of the balcony, couldn't see the top corner of the 
screen.  
	I won't go into discussing the line to get in.  I'm sure I'll 
be talking about the lines quite a bit throughout my coverage.  It 
was long, but not annoying.
	So the screening is running late.  It's 15 minutes or so past 
the start time, and we're not watching the movie yet.  People start 
a slow clap to show their impatience.  Then who walks down the 
aisle?  But Roger Ebert.  The pathetic little man thinks they're 
clapping for him, and waves to the audience.  Then he has a hard 
time figuring out where he's gonna sit.  He spun around a couple 
times, then must have forgotten something (I'm not gonna say 
concession, cuz that would be mean), cuz he turned around and did 
this funny little run out of the seating area.
	Say maybe five minutes later; the stars arrive.  Alec Baldwin 
is introduced onstage and then proceeds to introduce cast members 
Julia Stiles, David Paymer, Sarah Jessica Parker, some Brit I don't 
know, and a producer I believe.  He also introduced Philip Seymore 
Hoffman even though he was at the ALMOST FAMOUS premiere.  I wasted 
a big old "YEAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" when he said his name, and felt like 
a fool.  Baldwin assured us Hoffman would be there for the Q&A 
afterwards, which he was.
	The movie starts.  Well, not really.  First we have to endure 
some shitty Canadian short film made especially for the festival 
(there are a number of these and I'm sure I'll be bitching about 
them a plenty).
	So the movie starts.  STATE AND MAIN is about a troubled 
movie, being made in a small town.  It would take me a while to do a 
plot rundown, so I'm not going to.  It is a fun little flic, though 
not brilliant.  Everytime I see a Mamet directed film, I'm irked.  I 
just don't like his direction.  That said, there are good 
performances in it, even if it is a little distracting having stars 
play stars.
	Once again, the fucking film festival audience lessened my 
enjoyment of the film by laughing too much at things that are only 
amusing.
	The Q&A after the film was a good one, but only because of the 
people on stage.  The audience asked stupid, stupid questions.  
Hoffman and Baldwin couldn't wait to light up until they got 
outside, so they started smoking on stage while answering questions.  
Hoffman dismissed a "really funny" audience member by asking him "Is 
that a serious question, or are you making a joke?".  The most 
interesting comment of the night was Baldwin telling us that he 
prefers to do smaller, interesting films as opposed to the big 
budget stuff he usually does.  He acted out a scene where he gets a 
script, and tries to convince himself to like it because he's been 
offered 10 million dollars to play the part, that was really funny 
and telling.  

SATURDAY

MOVIE THREE

	Early in the morning.  Going to see Christopher Guest's new 
comedy take on the dog show world, BEST IN SHOW.  Early in the 
morning.  Early, and stuck with my friend Alex in line between 
pretentious gay people to the front of us, and annoying pretentious 
fucks behind us telling each other how smart they are, by how they 
understand the frogs in Magnolia.  It's just too fucking early for 
this bullshit.
	Inside, we sit down.  Christopher Guest comes to introduce the 
film, then leaves.  He didn't come back for questions afterwards for 
some reason.  Later on this afternoon, I was watching television 
coverage of the festival and what should come on, but the press 
conference for BEST IN SHOW.  So I'm thinking "Christopher Guest 
should be the only one here, right?"  I am sooooo wrong.  Every 
single last motherfucking member of the main cast is there.  EVERY 
ONE!!!!!  Why didn't they come to the screening?  If I get up early 
in the morning to see their movie, I damn well want them to be 
there, to answer questions afterwards.  Bastards.
	Once again, a shitty Canadian short film is shown.  This one 
made by Don McKellar.  What is wrong with him?  The short was 
terrible.  That didn't stop the audience from laughing though.  I 
seriously don't know if I'll see that many comedies at future 
festivals.  Sadly, I've still got two or three of them left in the 
coming week.  So is the movie good?  Yes.  It didn't blow me away, 
but it was pretty funny.  I had hoped for more documentary style 
stuff, but oh well.  While most of the cast is really good, it's 
Fred Willard that steals the show, so be prepared for that.

SUNDAY

MOVIE FOUR

Leo, Alex and I are in line for SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE.  
There's still about a half hour till the movie's supposed to start, 
which means that there's still fifteen minutes till they let us in.  
It starts to lightly rain though, so they let us in early.  I doubt 
this was out of concern for us, but rather the seats of the 
prestigious Elgin Theatre.

The director of the film, Dafoe, and a couple other people 
who're in the movie get up on stage and introduce the flic.  They 
weren't there at the end of it by the way.  No Q&A.  Why?  Hmmmm.  I 
wonder.

I was really looking forward to this film.  The trailer was 
funny, and the premise amused me.  After seeing the film though, 
neither the trailer, nor the premise amused me.  SHADOW OF THE 
VAMPIRE is a bad movie, plain and simple.  It would have been a 
great short film (no longer than 20 minutes), but as a feature, it 
falls flat on its face.  Its script doesn't know what it's saying, 
its cinematography is shite beyond words, and its technical accuracy 
concerning filmmaking is terrible; the list goes on.  I've read 
people say that this is Dafoes' best performance.  Those people have 
their heads up their asses.  The performance is hammy as hell.  It 
relies on the makeup instead of adding to it.  

	This so far, is the biggest disappointment.  I wouldn't 
bother wasting your time or money on this when it comes out.

MOVIE FIVE

	This isn't part of the festival, but who cares.  Alex, Leo and 
I went to see NURSE BETTY after SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE, in hopes of 
seeing a good movie.  We got that and more.  NURSE BETTY is easily 
the best film of the year so far.  So there's my endorsement for 
that.  I needed a comedy like NURSE BETTY, cuz I hadn't laughed this 
much at film since last year.

MONDAY

MOVIE SIX

Midnight.  Only one of my two friends I was seeing AMERICAN 
NIGHTMARE, with, showed.  Well, actually they both did, but I didn't 
see Leo and he didn't see me, so he didn't see the movie.

The movie is a made for TV (Independent Film Channel) 
documentary on horror films, and their social commentaries.  It 
wasn't a great movie, but it'll be worth a watch on TV for sure.  It 
features interviews with David Cronenberg, George Romero, Tom 
Savini, John Carpenter, John Landis, Tobe Hooper, and Wes Craven.  
It's also directed by the director of CARNOSAUR, but don't hold that 
against it.

TUESDAY

MOVIE SEVEN

	Outside the festival again.  Had a little time to kill before 
VULGAR, so Alex and I went to see WAY OF THE GUN.  It's a pretty 
well made, really fun flic.  Just a lot of fun, with cool actors, 
who have great chemistry.  The opening scene is a great one.  Had me 
laughing pretty damn hard.

MOVIE EIGHT

	Alex and I go to see VULGAR.  We have an extra ticket due to a 
work-related cancellation. (Leo!) So, Alex goes to sell it to people 
who are waiting in line for rush tickets.  I told him to try and get 
at least 50 for it.  I figured there would be a lot of Kevin Smith 
fans, who would be willing to pay at least that.  I know that last 
year when I waited in line to see DOGMA last year, I was ready to 
pay at least 50 bucks for a ticket.  One just didn't pass by me.  So 
my friend goes to sell the ticket (Oh, and he was gonna throw in our 
2 tickets to the next day's screening of DR. T AND THE WOMEN since 
we didn't feel like waking up first thing in the morning).  He comes 
back, with the ticket, and tells me that the line was calling him an 
asshole for trying to get more than face value for it.  Fucking 
idiots!  Don't they know how the world works?  Anyway, he goes back 
to sell it, this time to the back of the line, and sells the 3 
tickets for 40 bucks.  So that's pretty close to face value, and 
little profit.  Dammit!  Oh well.

	In the theatre.  We're all given foam clown noses in the 
spirit of the film.  A whole bunch of the people involved in the 
film were in attendance, and introduced the film (Bryan Johnson, 
Monica Hampton, Kevin Smith, Scott Mosier, and Brian O'Halloran to 
name a bunch).  After the introduction, Johnson asked the audience 
to put on their clown noses so he could take a picture for his 90 
some odd year old grandmother who wasn't able to make it to the 
screening (his mother and father were there, and even have parts in 
the film).

	So the film starts; and it starts on pretty shaky feet.  The 
first 10 minutes or whatever it was, is pretty bad.  There's even a 
dialogue scene that sounds and looks so much like a Kevin Smith 
scene, that I was really getting worried.  But then it kicked in.  
The first really funny moment in the film is from the director 
himself, as an actor (he play's the title character's best friend).  
The point where the film starts going is when Will a.k.a. Flappy The 
Clown (who then becomes Vulgar), tries to tell Johnson his plans to 
become a dirty little clown.  To go to bachelor parties as a prank, 
as a transvestite clown, when the guest of honour would be expecting 
a stripper.

	Vulgar is just as unlucky a clown as Flappy.  On his very 
first job as Vulgar, Will, gets. Well it's not something you'd want 
to happen to you, but when it's done to this pathetic character, and 
these hicks are doing it, then it's all good and brilliant comedy.  
From there on in, the film kicks ass.  It's certainly not without 
faults.  It's a very flawed film, and a lot of the laughs come from 
that, but the film's spirit is wonderful, and is the most refreshing 
film I've seen at the festival so far.  Just a great, fun flic, 
warts and all.

	In the Q&A, Johnson accused some guy who asked a question of 
laughing at inappropriate places in the film.  Apparently it was me 
though, who did that, and a woman in the reserved row ahead of me 
looked back at me and smiled.  My friend who was laughing a lot too, 
was kicked by the girl sitting next to him, during the film.  Then 
right after the film was over, she made her boyfriend switch seats 
with her.  

WEDNESDAY

MOVIE NINE

Another film in the Dialogues series.  This time, it's DO THE 
RIGHT THING, and it's introduced by Kevin Smith.  In his intro, 
Smith acted as though he had made the film, and was an angry black 
filmmaker.  Made me chuckle, then came the film.  I'll be damned if 
it doesn't have one of the coolest title sequences ever.  

I hadn't seen DO THE RIGHT THING in a theatre before.  I had 
seen it on VHS, LD, and DVD, but not on film.  It looks fantastic, 
and added a lot to the cinematography that really isn't as clear on 
video.  

The film ended, and a race riot ensued.  I exited the theatre 
as quickly as possible.

Outside the theatre, I asked Smith about his thoughts on 
VULGAR, and its humour.  He then directed me towards Bryan Johnson, 
who was nearby.  I said "Great.  Thanks.  That's even better.", then 
went over to talk to him about the film.  I told him how much I had 
enjoyed the film, and how funny I thought it was.  He then gave me a 
VULGAR hat (which I did wear tonight to the REQUIEM FOR A DREAM 
screening, in hopes of getting a few more people to go down for the 
screening, even though it's sold out).  It was nice to be able to 
discuss the film with him.  To find out what the desired tone and 
such was in the making of it.  When I mentioned finding one scene 
really funny, he said "So that was you" or something to that effect.  
I said yeah, and whatever.  We then chatted about the film a bit 
more; Alex got in the conversation for a bit, and then we parted 
ways.  No real point in paraphrasing the entire conversation.

MOVIE TEN

	Waiting in line for REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, the new Darren 
Aronofsky (Pi; which I fucking love) film, a couple of damn good 
looking girls asked me if I wanted to sell my ticket.  That was the 
highlight of the night.  That, and staring at the one's ass while 
they stood around trying to get others to sell them their tickets.  
I really wish I had sold them my ticket.  REQUIEM FOR A DREAM is a 
piece of pretentious shit, and I don't think Aronofsky deserves to 
direct another film again.  It's just manipulative shit.

THURSDAY

MOVIE ELEVEN

Nobody came to see SCOUT MAN with me.  Bastard friends I've 
got.  SCOUT MAN is about the porn industry in Japan, and how they 
recruit girls, by approaching them on the street and offering them 
high paying jobs in the "A/V Industry" (Adult Video).  Apparently 
this really exists in Japan, and that aspect of it was extremely 
interesting and entertaining.  The film starts to fall apart 
however, when it starts its turn towards the dramatic.  The first 
hour is really light, enjoyable, and captivating.  However, once the 
director starts making the characters (Who aren't in the A/V 
industry) resort to prostitution and such, it's cheap, and lessens 
the film.  He even uses the old "shoot an interview scene on video" 
shit that has been pretty popular since LEAVING LAS VEGAS.  It's an 
easy way to get people uncomfortable, and really lowered my opinion 
of the movie.  SCOUT MAN could have been really good, but at the 
end, isn't. 
There was a Q&A after the film, which included a translator 
since the director only spoke Japanese.  He told a few interesting 
stories about the making of the film; the funniest being how they 
had to get permission from the Japanese Mafia to film, and how they 
got a break from them by saying they were independent filmmakers.

MOVIE TWELVE

I walked over from SCOUT MAN, to the line for THE MISSION, a 
Hong Kong action film, which I knew next to nothing about.  Leo was 
already waiting in line, so that was good.  He tells me however that 
there is a 1/2-hour delay so the movie will be starting at 12:30.  I 
was already tired, so that wasn't really what I wanted to hear.  Oh 
well.
In front of us, we had the last of the annoying line person.  
The fat woman who loves to talk to people she doesn't know.  This 
completes the trinity of A) Pretentious assholes (which are either 
in their 20's studying the arts, or old trying to come off as 
cultured), B) Overtly gay guys (who're often pretentious to boot), 
and C) The above mentioned fat bitch.  Fun stuff to be around for 
extended periods of time.  I said "This movie better be damn good" 
about a million times.
It wasn't that great.  It wasn't bad, but it was all right.  
It was what it was.  A HK action flic, with a bunch of guys shooting 
guns.  It had a couple of really well directed strategic action 
scenes, which made it worth the time.
	
SATURDAY

MOVIE THIRTEEN

THE KING IS ALIVE

	I get there and see Leo.  We're here to see THE KING IS ALIVE.  
The latest dogme 95 film, starring Jennifer Jason Leigh, Brion 
James, and Janet McTeer (Who I'd never seen a movie before.  She's 
got a great rack on her, doesn't she?)  Leo doesn't have a ticket 
yet, and it's sold out.  I figured that it wouldn't be.  So he has 
to stand in line, hoping for an empty seat before the show starts.  
Damn.  I go in line.  I'm behind a couple of old people, talking 
about how the music in a film they saw, was so complex, and how 
anyone with any kind of musical interest would appreciate it.  Fuck 
them!
	The line starts going in, and Leo has scored a ticket for only 
5 bucks.  Bastard!  I made him buy my pop, since he saved so much 
money.
	I was really looking forward to the movie, since I love THE 
CELEBRATION, and really liked THE IDIOTS, and JULIEN DONKEY BOY.  
The premise that I read was "A bus breaks down in the desert, and 
its passengers perform KING LEAR to pass the time".  That made me 
think this could really be cool.  Sadly, it was just really boring.  
On top of that, it was breaking the dogme 95 rules, left, right, and 
centre.  Why even say you're a dogme film, if you're not?  Anyways; 
it was really boring, but people seemed to give it more respect than 
it deserved because it involved Shakespeare, which as we all know, 
is only for intellectuals.  Fuck I hate the pretension you have to 
put up with at the film fest.  Only one movie left, I told myself.  
Then it's back to the regular movie theatre set-up, and seeing 
movies with regular audiences (who aren't great, just better than 
film fest audiences).

MOVIE FOURTEEN

Midnight.  The film is WILD ZERO.  A Japanese film, that 
kicked my fucking ass!  It's the film that I needed.  The film that 
I wanted so bad.  The movie that made up for the last week.  How do 
I describe the film?  Brilliant.  It's a zombie, ufo, rock and roll 
superstar movie.  I really don't know how to fully describe the film 
to you.  It would be really long winded, and would give away too 
much of the plot.  It's like Dead/Alive, meets Killer Klowns, meets 
Rock And Roll High School, meets Desperado.  If that makes sense.  I 
doubt it does.  The movie is just out there.  It's brilliant.
I don't know how many people know about the Japanese punk 
trio, Guitar Wolf (Guitar Wolf, Bass Wolf, and Drum Wolf).  Anyway, 
they kick ass and they're the rock and roll heroes of the film.  
When Guitar Wolf's "rock and roll blood brother" Ace gets in 
trouble, he needs only blow on a special whistle given to him by 
Guitar Wolf himself.
I'm really not doing this film justice.  All right.  Let me 
try it this way.  I got home at 2:30 in the morning, and went on an 
internet search to get a copy.  I NEED to show this to all my 
friends.  The only copy I was able to find, didn't have subtitles, 
but I ordered it anyway (This is after 2 hours of searching.  It 
isn't even in the IMDB - http://www.imdb.com).  I can't fucking wait 
for it to arrive, so I can crank up the volume, sit back and enjoy 
the coolest fucking thing I've seen in a long, long, time.
	The director (who just happens to be neighbours with Guitar 
Wolf) was there, and was accompanied by a translator.  There was a 
really good Q&A after the film.  The best thing about it was when 
someone asked for a sequel, he said that he was basically broke.  
That he put all his money that he had made making music videos into 
the film, and it was enough for him to have probably bought at least 
a few houses.  Someone close to the stage, got up and gave him some 
cash.  Had I been closer, I probably would have too.  Come to think 
of it, I think it should have been the audience's responsibility to 
give him money.  If everyone in the theatre had given him a 20, then 
he would've had close to 15-20 Gs.  Canadian I know, but it would 
have been a start.
	Anyway, the movie rules the world as far as I'm concerned.  I 
had a smile on my face through the entire thing, and if by some 
chance you come across a copy of it, or it's screening nearby; don't 
miss it.  Goddamn I love this movie!  

FINAL THOUGHTS 

	Glad it's over.  Glad I saw WILD ZERO!!!  Hope that what I've 
written was somewhat helpful and/or entertaining.  That's about it.

---
Jeff just wants to give a shout out to the gayest man in Florida.  
Robin "The Walk" Bank.  He would have loved the film fest.

-------------------------------------------

CoN would not be possible without the great help of Scriba Org.

CoN: Movie Ratings Explained
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
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http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

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ZimID 708EC8D1  1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32  7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
