Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume III, Issue 4, AD MCMXCVIII
Monday, February 23rd, 1998
ISSN 1482-0471
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"Before you go to a club, make sure your lingerie is not
sensitive to UV light."

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"When you are about to commit suicide, you do not want to be put
on hold."

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1. Editorial
2. Titanic
3. Slack, the final frontier.....
4. Fallen
5. The meaning of Life

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           This week's Golden Testicle award:

                 LinkExchange Rejects

  http://members.tripod.com/~jesus_christ/rejects.html

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1. Editorial
  by Leandro

  Who ever said Microsoft is bad?  As usual, on my work account I
received a spam.  Only thing that this one has a return address on
the Microsoft Network (MSN.COM).  The spam gladly stated that if I
wanted to buy 3 million e-mail addresses (of which two of those are
mine I bet) I could simply write to `shopmarket@msn.com'.  I forwarded
the e-mail to the postmaster of MSN.COM and expected an immediate
automatic reply.  The reply came, however it was an actual human being.
The person apologized for the misconduct of their user and promised to
take action against them.  I must admit I was quite impressed.

  After having watched "The Replacement Killers" and realizing what a
piece of shyte it all was, we were all kind of disappointed in how we
had wasted money to see it.  Fortunately Bennett, the most positive of
the group, pointed out that it was indeed better than "The Crow: City
of Angels" and that we should be grateful there was at least a hint of
a plot although surrounded by rather unrealistic bad shooting.  What I
mean for unrealistic is when there is a bad guy hosing down a small
Japanese car with an M-16 and the driver is safely protected behind the
thin glass windshield.  In another scene, a woman is backing out of a
parking spot in a big Chevrolet Yukon, and the bullets enter the
vehicle and turn her to shreds.  Chow Yum Fat gives us a big
academy-winning face of a man in shock when he looks at the dead woman
in the truck.  Apparently this is something he likes to do in most of
his films as I had the chance to find out.  I rented one of his earlier
movies from a small Chinese video store.  I asked the woman behind the
counter who handed me a tape that looked as legal as a three dollar
bill: "Is this movie in English?"
  "English? Ahhh.. noo, movie in Chinese!  But it's subtitled!"
If you go and rent a movie from a small Chinese video store looking for
an early movie of Chow Yun Fat make sure you ask in what language they
are: mine were in Cantonese apparentely.

Anyway, the movie was titled "The Killer" and it stars Chow Yun Fat as
a killer named Achoo.  I figured this out because whoever kept on
yelling this for too long, he would turn around and shoot them.
About thirty seconds into the movie suddenly Achoo pulls out the guns
and starts to kill an incredible amount of people for no apparent
reason.  He even takes two bullets to save a girl, who he blinds with
a shot and becomes her lover.  Chow Yun Fat made my eyes most with his
facial expression of pain realizing he has ruined the girl's vision.
After a while bullets are taken out of Achoo's back, and we are now
introduced to this policeman who tries to get a deal going, fails,
and starts to chase the criminal in downtown Hong Kong.  One thing I
noticed about this movie is that whoever is scheduled to die is dressed
in white.  Many civilians dressed in white are killed as the two dish
it out on a streetcar.  After a while, the camera zooms on a little
girl, dressed in white, and you guessed it, she gets shot.  Achoo
grabs the little girl and rushes her to the hospital where they are
able to restore her to perfect health no matter how many M-16 rounds
have gone through her body.

  Then, for a long time nothing happens.

I'm not sure why, but Achoo and the cop become friends, because both
lost dear friends to this common criminal.  This causes them to seek
some terrible revenge against this guy and they kill an incredible
amount of bad people.  They come from the doors, the windows, the
basement.  For a minute I felt like I was playing something on the
Playstation.

At the end, there are long slow-motion scenes of Chow Yun Fat dyeing and
the cop who is now his friend screaming "Achoooooo!!!!".  He blows the
bad guy away, drops on his knees and the credits start rolling up.
There are some really funny moments where everyone is laughing in the
movie, but I seem to miss the humor.  I'll probably go rent a few more
now, and invite a few people over.  Perhaps our collective minds can
figure out the plot a bit more and after all.. it's just too much
fun watching the shooting parts.

  Lastly, I owe apologies to a dietician.  Somehow one of my articles
from a previous issue written in a state of mind nowhere close to
normal got to her and she wasn't quite impressed.  So to avoid her
killing me next time I bump into her.  So.. uh. really, you are
incredibly attractive and beautiful.  I had just forgotten my glasses
home.  Yeah.  That's it.

  Have a good one folks.

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2. Titanic
   by IMPROV

     Okay, so I just got back from my first viewing of James Cameron's
Titanic.  I'll be honest, I wanted to HATE this film.  What with all
the hype, and pomp and circumstance I thought that this movie was
going to have to give me an orgasm to meet my expectations.  I looked
forward to trashing this 200 plus million dollar nightmare...and much
to my dismay, I loved it.  Unlike certain over hyped predecessors
(i.e. Jurassic Park) Titanic is, well, great.  I am disappointed to
say that there was very little I can complain about this extraordinary
film.  You really have no idea how much I wanted to tell you that this
was the crapiest movie I've ever seen, I wanted to say that I'd prefer
to watch a Pauly Shore movie (actually TWO Pauly Shore movies in this
span of time) rather than sit through this again.  Alas, I'd gladly
see this again, and in fact, look forward to the time that I do get
the chance.  

     I sat down expecting to see a boring love story set to an all too
well known historical disaster.  Instead I watched an intriguing spin
on forbidden love and a spin on a sad tale that I'd never imagined.
Often in many disaster films, the idea of the individual suffering is
lost.  It normally is  replaced  with carnage, but  in this take of the
greatest sea disaster ever, Cameron retells the unbelievable suffering
that took place.  He  portrays the mass destruction that the Titanic
was responsible for in gut wrenching form, and yet he doesn't lose that
personal edge that separates and average disaster film from...well
this: a classic.  As an audience member, you know that Rose (Kate
Winslet) survives and Jack (Leonardo Dicaprio)...well isn't quite as
lucky, but Cameron still keeps the audience on the edge of there seat.
What with the love story and special effects this movie should please
all.  With one exception...

     I thought that the most painful thing in world was to watch Billy
Zane movie...that is until earlier tonight.  The only thing worse than
Billy Zane acting, is Billy Zane acting with a fake Limey accent.
Christ I hate that guy, that guy is as talented as Sinbad.  Anybody
see the Phantom?  Didn't think so.  There's a reason for that, HE'S
TERRIBLE.  Mind you, Mr.Zane isn't the only one who attended the Kevin
Costner School for Acting and failed "Mastering Foreign Accents 101".
And let's face it, if you FAILED that course, you're in rough shape.
Mauritzo (sorry, don't know the guy's real name), Jack's friend, talks
like Chef Boy Ardi, "Heya thera Jacka...you wanna somma meatballs?  
Maybe a later we coulda playa somma bocci ball ah on a the decka...
hunh?... Jacka? Whya you ah no ah answerah meah?... Jacka?... Huh?"
Then there's the fightin' Irish boy...is this guy related to one of
Dr. Evil's henchmen in Austin Powers?  I don't remember his name, but
we'll call him Lucky...too trite?...okay...Tam...O'something or
another.
		
     All of that aside, I loved every minute of this movie.  I actually
found myself asking Jack or Rose to say the words, "I Love you."  I
was entwined in the love story and engulfed in the sorrow of the
disaster.  Sorry to disappoint you folks, this has just been another
positive review of Titanic.  I really wanted to hate it...really I did.

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3. Slack, the final frontier.....
  by Hedkrash

Back when I was a youth, not that I'm all that far from it, I was
persuaded for a while to entertain myself with a not so orthodox
religion.  Sorry, but there were no goat sacrifices.  Not that we
didn't want to sacrifice goats, it's just not very nice to do that to
a poor defenseless animal. (Thank God!  Sorry lads, I love goats -
Editor). Getting back to the story, along with finding a new religion,
I also discovered the joys of alcohol and women.  Both of which I
indulged myself in as much as possible.  So, this whole religion,
telling me that the "sex goddesses" are going to fly down in their
spaceships and take me away from the hell of earth into an eternal
peace, didn't sound all that outrageous, and hell if it was true I
didn't want to get left behind.  So in attempts to further understand
this religion, I discovered a state of being it described, a state of
inner peace and confidence.  Well, it was called "slack" and once
"slack" was fully obtained, the body would enter and ride on a luck
plane, where there were no worries and everything would be wonderful.
Now saying all this was fine and dandy, but if it actually working is
another story.

I've since quit "believing" in such a religion, it almost seems absurd
that I ever became involved in such a thing, but one lesson I took with
me was the lesson of "slack".  "Slack" comes in two forms.  One is
commercialized "slack", the obtaining of peace through the ownership
material possessions, in which corporate amerika tells you what will
make you happy, which really isn't peace, because you always want more,
better shoes, a new sport utility vehicle, whatever.  The other, is an
inner sense, a true relaxed state of life, one that can be quite
difficult in obtaining, but once obtained would provide a world of 
bounty, which is the "slack" that I had quested to find.

And it is that "slack" that I did find.  At first it was difficult
surviving, I had to rely on others to support me, but I had faith that
in peace there would be salvation.  The next thing you know, I awoke
from a rather intoxicated night realizing that I'd applied to college,
not on purpose mind you, I applied on a drunken rant.  The next thing
I knew I was accepted to attend college (go figure they accepted a 2.3
grade average, trouble making student, alcoholic, crazed child into a
college).  So, I went to college.  I figured I didn't have alot to do
anyway, and the loans put a roof over my head and paid my bills,
besides it was a pad of my own.  I had decided that I'd go to school
to be a computer programmer, not the easiest of fields to learn, but
with a little knowledge of computers I figured it couldn't be that
hard.  So there I was, a college kid, constantly skipped school to
drink, goofed off alot, partying constantly, which never really helped
my grades, but salvaged what was left of my sanity.

And I stayed with my "slack", I figured it got me this far why not see
where else it would take me, and take me it did.  I applied for a
secretarial position in a small company, and after the vice-president
looked at my resume and realize what I was going to school for decided
to hire me as an intern programmer.  Well it was quite the shock at 19
to realize I was suddenly and with very little effort on my part, a
D.O.D. system analyst.  At 20 I was hired as a full time programmer,
while I was still in school.  Now, at 21, I'm sitting back laughing at
everyone who constantly told me I was going to be a failure, that I was
ruining my life.

My point is not to try and con anyone into joining some ridiculous cult
or anything like that.  To state it simply, relax, take what life has
to offer with strides, enjoy the moments that you can.  Quit worrying
about the day to day drudges life puts us through and enjoy the moments
life does have to offer.  Worrying never made anything any better, it
just complicates the situation more.  

Enjoy life, for it is the only one you have.

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4. Fallen
  by Leila

My life I opened to you
For I listened as you spoke
That when you drooled
Saliva as you
Slept; I did too.

When you fell, I did also
The same
For I cannot climb a ladder
Without steps; and you
Are the steps in my ladder.

I shudder to think what it
Would be like without you
For then I will perish and
Die; If I tell you this
You smile and mutter no; but you
Feel flattered, you
Blush at the prestige.

But you lead an indifferent life now.

You are not wary that my life
Revolves around your world.
So when you hurt me; you
Break the steps I stand on
The foundation of my existence-
And I fall.

The steps that you are may only
Rise;
So when I fall
It is eternal that I will live
Fallen, and without your guidance.

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5. The meaning of Life
 by Leandro

The Meaning of Life

  Every year it seems like I end up writing some silly drivel about the
meaning of life.  This time however I want to try writing some more
meaningful and deeper in understanding then my other times, since the
world will soon end.  I suggest therefore you stop wasting your money
in RRSPs since you'll never live long enough to retire and to borrow an
incredible amount of money and enjoy life before it is too late.

  Now, from I see from the news, it seems that World War III is next
door.  United States (and unfortunately Canada, because they decided
to provide their slingshots to aid the attack in Iraq) will soon find
themselves fighting against all of the Arab countries that will unite
and fight back.  This time however war will not be what people usually
define as conventional.  In other words, war will not be fought in a
civilized manner like in WW I or WWII.  This time it will be Chemical.
We'll be at war but not a gunshot will be heard, except for the fact
that 90% of the population will mysteriously die of some strange 
disease.  Enough of that, let me explain the meaning of life:

  My girlfriend and one of her friends had invited me to dinner in one
strange and small Indian restaurant in the Indian part of town.  It
looked like one of those places where if you wanted to eat Indian food
you'd be somewhere else.  The place was dark and small, a tank full of
Piranhas on one side of the wall, and the Indian version of the
Godfather sitting with his boys on another table discussing something
rather vividly.  Our food was served, and to my question "What's in
this?" I was answered with a "Do you really want to know?"
The girl in front of me was eating and making sounds as if she was
having some really good sex.
  "You know" she pointed out "when you don't have sex in a while, food
is the next best thing".  Thoughts of the word `chocolate' crossed my
mind.
  "Well, yeah" I answered as casually as I could "sex is almost as
essential as food.  In fact, I can't think life without either of them".
  "True" she answered "but it has to be good.  Masturbation just doesn't
do it for me anymore.  What man needs is good sex.  And good food too.
You just can't eat the corporate junk-food that they seem to throw at
us this days.  Quality has been replaced with speed".
  "People forgot how to live" I added "they sleep very little, don't
have sex because they are too tired after a long day at work, they eat
junk in a hurry to get back to work... and then they wonder what the
meaning of life all is".
   "That's it!" she yelled back, grabbing the attention of the strange
Godfather guy sitting at the other end "that is the meaning of life!
Good sleep, good sex, good food!"
   "And don't forget" I added "a good shit while reading a good book!"
   "Wow, who would've thought we would figure it all out tonight?" and
we both glanced at my girlfriend who had this strange look in her face.

  So there it was.  The meaning of life in five easy steps.  Who ever
thought that living was that simple?  It makes me wonder why at times
we run around like freaks to go to work, and putting all of our
essential needs (eat, sleep, sex, shit) aside.

  Now, I don't know if the Christ will come back down to Earth.  The
disappointing thing about the end of the world will mean no more
Internet, and everybody will be too busy trying to survive than to
read CoN.  Oh gosh, the horror... the horror...

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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine    "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome

http://www.capnasty.org  ISSN 1482-0471

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