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     '                                                                  '
    '   anada                  "Neuroinhibitor"                  13 jan  '
   '     257                      by Michael                      2001    '
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        welcome those recurring thoughts as much as recurring nightmares.
 both more vivid than opposites.  sometimes at least. not so much an
 obsession as an escape.  run away if you must.  In your head is fine for
 subtle moments; for longer tragedies, stay at home for a while and gel.  and
 someone once told me the majority of people don't really care or take the
 time to think about these thoughts that I have.  had to love that.

        Ignorance.  not using as a derogatory word here.  just meant as able
 to ignore.  used to hope anti-depressants somehow anagonized  as a
 neurotransmitter, the one that lets this so-called clarity state run my
 life.  never bothered to research though.*  would rather pay attention to
 everyone and their nuances that I long for myself.  and just like
 infatuation, wouldn't want to give that up.  the constant wondering of how
 people can do the things they do without seeming to give a second conscious
 thought.  like tattoos and band shirts; fishing.  (not pertaining to water)
 may sound so trivial, but just a start.

        little things comprise us I think.  can never start grandeur.  and
 emphasis or learned emphasis determines everything.  to exemplify: would
 have mentioned sexual intercourse but too much emphasis on that.  back to
 giving up or ignorance.  If an anti-depressant actually does what I used to
 hope it did, a semi-matrix-type world may be in effect.  for you (the
 reader, maybe) hope you are on the inside with the option of choosing the
 blue pill.  for some others, and me we must sell out each other to get
 there.  (block that neurotransmitter at any cost) and not being
 condescending here.  different people.  In different positions.  Experience.
 at this point, rather be in the position of those with the pill choice
 position.  fucking woderland.  wow! must be nice.  though probably still
 take the red pill and say all of this from a different perspective then.

        remember happiness? would be the new interrogative statement of a
 new lifetime.  and even though seems as if superficial or faux happiness,
 happy is happy right?  wouldn't really sell anyone out to get there though.
 and actually wouldn't go there anyway.  would miss all this.  probably
 wouldn't miss anything since anagonization would take place and thinking
 stopped.  at least thinking as such.  but at this moment, I just can't push
 myself to give up wondering about everyone.


        * though I can give you a brief summary of a theory of nicotine
 helping reduce the risk of alzeimers's disease because of it's agonizing
 (not anagonizing) effect.

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  '                                                                        ' 
 `   anada257   by Michael                          (c) 2001 anada e'zine   `
