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 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .  "This Is About You... What Else Is New?"
 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .
  . . .  .   .   . . .  . . .  . . .              by AphexTwin23


  . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

        Hmm... yes well... now to dish out one of my several problems to no
 one that cares.  I figure... hey... my friends have heard me ramble on about
 nothing enough times that maybe I should just write it down here.  I mean,
 although no one that reads this is going to give a fuck, at least I can have
 the pure entertainment of polluting their minds with my filth.
 Muhahahahaha.

        At any rate.  This person shall rename nameless because he or she
 pretty much is in your eyes.  Shall we just name this person SHE?  Yes.  SHE
 falls deeper into a depression, confused as to why this guy won't love HER
 anymore.  SHE wants to die and leaves me to go get professional help in a
 closed in hospital facility.  Fun.  SHE's my best friend and I fall silently
 into depression with HER because SHE means more to me than I mean to myself.
 If that makes sense.

        So SHE shows up at school a week later, finally, and I am so happy to
 see HER but then SHE tells me she's moving away in less than 3 hours.  This
 is where I fall apart.  I deteriorate right into the ground, right there in
 front of HER, in front of everyone.  The tears fall down my face as if an
 ocean is flowing out of my eyes.  I am so confused... I don't know what to
 do.  SHE is everything to me.  SHE always has been.  We've gone through
 everything together... so why can't we just go through life together too?

        And so I leave school... I can't handle being there.  Being watched
 by so many uninterested yet curious people.  I go to HER home.  I sit there
 on HER bed watching HER pack her whole life into boxes... packing a part of
 me to ship away to another life.  To a new life.  A new beginning yet a new
 end.  SHE tells me not to worry, that'll all be ok, that I still have
 everyone else.  But I soon find that this isn't true.  And with this SHE
 leaves.

        This leaves me with about 4 more months of tortorous hell.  And it
 becomes worse because I am now alone.  I know realize what's been going on
 my whole life.  I begin to see how blind I was not to notice who every one
 really is.  Who they've always  been.  I begin to find out the truth.  In
 more ways than one.  I even come to see HER as being a different person than
 what I thought.  I begin to come out of my narrow scope of reality.

        I am in a cloud of stupor for about a month after SHE leaves me.  I
 walk around in a daze not caring about anything.  Not even HER.  I think
 I've reached rock bottom.  I go to a supposed therapist.  I tell her how
 close I am to losing it... and this is what she tells me.  "It's just a
 phase that all teenagers go through".  Yeah right that's FUCKING IT!  I now
 see how horrible and stupid and fucking ignorant people really are.
 Therapist my ass.  Fucking bitch.  I am my own therapist from now on.  It's
 quite humorous.  I diagnose myself as being antisocial and bipolar.  I take
 other's prescriptions.  yay.

        I fall into a pointless relationship.  Probably just to be comforted.
 I don't feel much for him, except a strong friendship.  Or so I thought.
 All good things must come to an end.  And so it did.  And now he doesn't
 like me either.

        My grades go downhill.  I become obsessed with nothing other than
 doing drugs.  Oh... this is my last joint.  This is a special occasion.  I
 won't do it again, I promise.  This shit'll kill me.  Oh I didn't mean that,
 it was the drugs... Yes I've said it all... and now look at me... I'm a 15
 year old running my car off this cliff into addiction.  I go to meetings
 now.

        I begin to realize I don't have any real friends.  They only wanted
 to be with HER not me.  Oh no... it's never been about me.  It's always been
 about HER.  SHE was always the important one... important to HERself and
 important to everyone around HER.  Never me, though.  I was nonexistent...
 just her bitch.  Just her tagalong.  Fuck that.  I see who SHE's really been
 all along.  Conceited, Narrowmindind, Immature, Attention Striving,
 Sarcastic, Stubborn, Non Respectful, little BIT... wait a minute... this is
 your "best" friend you're talking about.

        Why am I thinking this?  Yes... HER unexpected move taught me many
 things in life.  Mostly bad and mostly good.  Oh I hate myself now because
 SHE doesn't care anymore.  SHE has her own friends, HER own support, HER own
 life.  I'm just part of HER past.  I think I'll cry myself to sleep now.

        Yay.  Summer comes.  SHE's moving back.  !!!???  Should I be happy or
 not?  I don't know.  I don't know anymore.  I found my own friends too...
 see... I'm not a loser anymore!!!!  Haha.  Look at me... Now I'm the
 important one and you're left alone.  I'm such a fucking bitch!!!!

        And now we come to today.  Me and HER have now remembered what old
 times used to be like.  So it's all cool.  Except I see Reality.  And I hold
 my thoughts to myself now because SHE takes them the wrong way and would
 never understand.  

        All my friends, once again, have abandoned me.  Why, I ask myself,
 are friends such an important role in my life?  Because I have a Fear of
 being alone again.  I know what it's like... I've been in the dark most of
 my life... I don't want to live through hell again.   

        And so I meet a great person.  HE talks to me.  HE listens.  HE seems
 to care.  Hey fuck... HE even respects me, understands me, and hasn't used
 me yet.  Hasn't slapped me across the face and told me to go fuck myself.
 Ahh... HE better not turn out to be an asshole too.  HE's a good person,
 makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me feel whole.  HE helps me come out
 of my corner and open up, HE's a lot of fun,  I feel like a good person when
 I'm with HIM.  I feel as though someone cares.  I feel there's at least one
 person out there.  HE's everything I look for in a person.  HE's a good
 friend.  And oh no... HE's probably going to read this.  So let it happen.
 Ah yes... sounds like I want something more doesn't it?  That's what it
 sounds like to everyone.  Well no... I don't think so.  Not now... not now.
 I don't want to allow myself to like anyone already.  No... relationships,
 friendships, people... they fuck you up too much.  Mentally.  No... I'm
 happy with the way things are.  

        I'm sick of writing, ranting, being me.

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  .           anada 119                by AphexTwin23  (c)2000 anada e'zine .
      
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