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     '                                                                  '
    '   anada                   "Hi-Tech Jesus"                  28 jan  '
   '     272                    by AphexTwin23                    2001    '
  `                                                                        `
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        I'm back to my old shitty life again!  I'm having a bad time lately.
 I mean I'm happy and all.  Usually I have these spontaneous depression
 stages... like bipolar or something (i diagnosed myself with this illness
 since shrinks suck cock).  So for once instead of going 2 weeks of happiness
 followed by depression I've gone about 4 months not 2 weeks but FOUR
 MONTHS!!!  Aren't you so proud of me?

        So why am I getting down all of a sudden?  I really don't know.  It's
 like all emotional and stuff.  I feel left out again.  I think I seriously
 need to learn to be more sociable because I bring this shit on myself.  I'll
 be with a group of people and I just kind of smile and laugh and joke with
 them but I forgot how to have a deep conversation.  I think I spent so much
 time looking for someone perfect that I could just talk to that I've
 forgotten how to really open up and talk to a person because I've lost faith
 and trust in almost everyone I know or don't know.

        I'm lonely.  I've never noticed so many wonderful looking men in my
 life but these are the times I get really upset.  Because no one loves me.
 I'm just some ugly depressed antisocial fake gothic flake.  Wait wait.  i
 was told not to say this if I don't want to believe it.  I DON'T want to
 believe it... but I have this deal where I can read people's minds and I
 know that's what they all think.  They're scared of me... and I'm so
 antisocial that they don't even waste their precious time on someone like
 me.

        I'm so concerned about what other people think anymore.  I've begun
 to care what they think of the way I look... I've begun to care about how I
 look.  Shouldn't this be good that I care?  Probably.  But I find it
 horrible because it's completely myself.  I wake up in the morning and
 actually try and find something that I think someone would like seeing me
 in.  I'm all for trying to impress the people in my life anymore.  I forgot
 how to be me.  I forgot who I am.  I feel like I'm in junior high again
 where I will be with a group of people and the main person in the group will
 be talking to me and all of a sudden I'm trailing behind because there's no
 more room on the sidewalk for me.

        I go out to eat.  Everyone's got their one special friend they stick
 with for the night but what about me?  Allison has Mandi.  Kristen has Hans.
 Nic has Terry.  Cole has Gina.  Mike ignores me.   this fuckin SUCKS.  what 
 am i going to do what am i going to do what am i going to do.  i can't
 handle this anymore.  i'm flipping out.  i don't know what it's like to have
 a real friend anymore.  i'm so selfish.  listen to me.  i'm conceited.  oh
 why won't they listen to me whwywhwywhwywhwywhy.?

        i think i have something else wrong with me.  I looked at this kid
 today and I pictured his head being shot off by a big ass gun.  I looked at
 a little child and imagined him decapitated.  ahhahaha.  this is what my
 life has come to.  after this whole struggle to be something, i've become a
 fuckin lunatic.  oh whatever.

        and now i have this damn song stuck in my head that isn't going to
 ever go away and i only know about 3 words dododododododod "hi-tech jesus"
 dododododo "hi-tech jesus".  what the fuck?  who comes up with this shit.
 anyways.  the funny thing is that... what's the funny part?

        no one notices that there's anything wrong with me.  why not?  they
 don't care.  wait... sure they do.  it's not that.  it's just the fact that
 i've got this split personality and my moods change constantly... i change
 constantly.  i'm all stylin in the midwest yo.  i've got a wide range of
 acquaintances/friends... let me annoy you with them:  we've got the
 trenchcoat mafia, band/thespians, hippies, "goths", serial killers, sexy
 bitches, homosexuals, gamers, college boys, punks, losers, etc etc etc.  i'm
 so boring.  i forgot how to strike up a conversation or really talk to
 someone.  maybe i never knew how to begin with?

        i get these false accusations thrown at me out of the blue too just
 to add icing to the cake here.  i've gotten 3 death threats in the past
 week.  i've gotten shot down.  he's 23 years old.  god damn it.  why are you
 all old or gay?  i got happy drugs too.  no no they're not drugs... happy
 pills!  i like to be happy.  how did that feel to be happy?

        i don't remember how to smile.  everyone likes to point this out to
 me too.  why won't you ever smile?  you have such a pretty smile... why
 won't you use it?  whywhywhy... is that all we know how to ask anymore?

        i'm sick of waiting for everything.  i love my job.  because it takes
 up time.  takes up time where i would otherwise be feeling sorry for
 myself... i'm obviously not working right now.  i should just convert to
 christianity and become a frickin bible thumper.  at least i'd have this HI 
 TECH JESUS to wake up to every day.  oh jesus loves me!!  yeah and that's
 why no one knows anything about him.  that's history for you.  a bunch of
 myths and false truths of our world... of the unknown.  we're so dumb.  we
 can't even get a damn president right now.

        i talk about nothing.  listen to me.  i say the same things
 constantly... no wonder people think im so annoying.  this is the extent of
 my vocabulary:  crazy, dude, fuck you, oh my god i broke a skull, like, um,
 what?, insane, yo, porque?, shut up, you suck, i hate you, gay, "i love
 boys", "goth", cool, thats a great story, whatever, pathetic, and, I don't
 know.  And that's my vocabulary list for the day.

        So I explained my friends and my vocabulary... what else?  My life...
 this is what I do:  school, work, internet, music, the mall, perkins,
 driving, complaining, and writing... wait i dont even write anymore.  ive
 gotten too lazy to do that.  i type... i type and send my ranting to an
 almost stranger so that she can post it up here for the whole world to see.

        technology sucks.  we're lazy human beings.  especially me.  i like
 to mooch off people too.  i refuse to walk anywhere because im lazy.  so i
 mooch rides off people.  i'm cheap too.  probably because in the past i've
 been used so much that i know if i buy someone "just a coffee" then it'll be
 "just" another one and another one.

        how typical.  i'm psychic.  i know how people work, i know what
 they're thinking, i know what this is all about.  i mold myself to be liked
 and accepted by others.  life is like a movie.  we're all actors/actresses
 in it.  a big fiction story where im the main character.  so i have to fit
 my character's personality.

        it's really cold outside today.  i was waiting outside in this below
 zero weather for a friend.  wait wait wait.  it's funny... he never did
 come.  that's not his fault though.  so i was standing there for a 1/2 hour
 and i started getting dizzy from being so cold (i still am)  and so i
 considered just not going back inside.  i considered just letting myself
 pass out right there and freeze to death.  that'd be funny.  i hope someone
 would take pictures for my nieces and nephews to share together.

        i hope someone would hang my body on a cross... i could die for my
 sins.  shit.  someone's going to read this and spank me for being so naughty
 and talking about mr. jesus christ in such a disrespectful way.  i'm sorry
 daddy!

        i don't know why but i just can't stop writing.  and shakkkkking.
 it's cold.  too bad i have no one to keep me warm.  because i'm a poor ugly
 farm girl.  i have this black stringy hair with brown roots coming through
 because i'm too lazy to dye it again and i'm tired of hiding myself.  i have
 big bushy eyebrows.  sad blue eyes.  decayed teeth.  oily skin.  im short.
 i have hairy legs because im too lazy to shave.  i have holy jeans on with
 stuff written all over them.  im fat.  overweight.  im 5'2" and i've gained
 about 15 pounds.  i weigh 135.  that's disgusting.  i have a big scar on my
 hand.  i have ugly feet and ugly clothes.  and oh pity me.  that's my looks.

        my personality:  i lost my intelligence, i'm really immature and try
 to hide it by saying i'm mature, i used to consider myself enlightened but
 i've only gained useless knowledge, i have a poor self esteem, i'm
 depressed, i'm negative, angry, obsessive, annoying, inconsiderate,
 disrespectful, selfish, conceited, narcissistic, lazy, impatient, unhappy,
 homicidal, spontaneous, i have a lack of empathy or sympathy for others.

        you know how people tell you to treat others how you'd like to be
 treated?  i try.  i really do.  i may be fake but at least i try.  i'd like
 others to love me, and find me to be such a great person, and to really care
 about me.  i'd like people to smile at me, gaze mysteriously at me, think
 about me.  i'd like others to go out of their way for me, to wait for me, to
 be there for me.  and so i do this for other people.  i tell others how i
 feel, i let them know i care, i wait around for them, go out of my way for
 them, smile at them, think about them, listen to them.  and in return i
 usually get nothing.  or else they think i don't care.  they think that
 we're breaking apart.  or else that we should.  right at the peak of my
 happiness i'm in slavery.

        Besides converting to Christianity, I was thinking about converting
 to prepism.  I mean come on... we got all these new stores in Dubuque.  The
 Gap, Aeropostale, Oh my!  I attempted to show my dad what I want for
 christmas and i came to a realization that i'm so against everything that
 i'm against myself or something.  i just have automatically refused to buy
 any namebrand clothes, anything that the mainstream likes... regardless of
 whether i may have liked it to begin with, anything that pertains to being a
 normal teenager.  and so in this there's nothing left for me.  it'd be so
 much easier if i just was a prep.  i mean come on, there's so many clothes
 to pick from.  we have abercromie and fitch's snowboarding, baseball,
 basketball, and skiing team that i could become a part of.  there's gap for
 kids, for teenagers, and for adults.  we have doc martins, tommy hilfiger,
 and what else?  it wouldn't matter what the clothes looked like as long as
 there's a famous trendy name on it.  it wouldn't matter what number is on
 the shirt as long as it's abercromie and fitch's snowboard shirt.  instead i
 have to go out of my way to make sure that no one else would wear it.  i
 have to go out of my way to make sure that i'm not a poser.  i have to go
 out of my way to be me!

        why do i do it?  because i want to be different.  it'd be so much
 easier to survive in life if i was the same as everyone else.  i wouldn't
 have to be writing this depressing 10 page essay about how uncool it is to
 try to be uncool.  i should just convert to their ways and then i will never
 have to be miserable again because i would have christina aguilera to look
 up to instead of marilyn manson.  i could make mommy and daddy proud of me.
 because not only would i be smart... i'd also fit in... be popular, be in
 sports, and go to all the school related events and the color black would no
 longer be a part of my wardrobe.  ha... that's a funny thought to feast on
 right there.

        A visionary coward said that anger can be power, as long as there's a
 victim on tv.
                                                                            
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  '                                                                        ' 
 `   anada272   by AphexTwin23                      (c) 2001 anada e'zine   `
