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              A  ***  A   N     N  A  ***  A  D     D  A  ***  A
             A         A  N     N  A       A  D    D  A         A
            A           ******************************           A
          A             "M4D_3LF Did Not               aNAda #16   A
        A            Name His Gun Sharleen"                          A
     A      by M4D_3LF, Phairgirl, and Big Daddy Bill  02/28/00         A
 A                                                                          A
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Chapter One: M4D_3LF Joins The Army


        The time came when it was time for me to take my physical in Des
 Moines.  My recruiter had been drilling me on all the ways the doctors were
 going to trap me with semantics, trying to get me to admit that I was lying.
 I knew I could get by their questions, it was the UA I was worried about.
 See, as you all know, I smoke weed.  Between effy, Big Daddy Bill, and our
 friends Shiznick and Laugg, we smoked a lot of weed.  In fact I had smoked
 weed three days prior to the day I was getting ready to leave.  So, my
 recruiter, wanting me to pass the UA, popped for the golden seal that
 phairgirl said would clean me out nicely.

        BDB and Amanda Panda were hanging out at my house with me while I was
 popping golden seal and drinking gallons of water.  We were acting all
 crazy, hangin' out, watchin movies when I began to feel strange.  Bill said
 my face was all red and I had the stoned look in my eyes.

        "My physics teacher said once that if you over-dose on water it can
 make you high," Amanda said.  Could it be?  You can actually get high of
 plain ol' H2O??  So it would seem, but still I drank and drank, pissing
 every ten to fifteen minutes.

        Of course I woke up late, but I still made it out to the mall on
 time.  I was supposed to be going to Des Moines with two other dudes, but
 one guy didn't show.  His recruiter was to pick him up at his dorm, but he
 wasn't there, wasn't in class, was no where to be found.  Damn him, I got my
 ass up, I was mostly on time, and... I had to pee..... then we left without
 him.

        We were an hour late in leaving, and the other dude that did show up
 wasn't happy in the least, see he had to be to Des Moines that afternoon to
 take his ASVAB.  The whole ride there I'm with a dude who is pissed because
 he's gonna be late for his test and the recruited dude who's pissed because
 his recruit didn't show and he wasted so much of our time looking for him.
 Then there's me, drinkin lots of water, trying not to make very many pee
 stops cuz I don't want this dude any later than he already is.  No one is
 talking so I pull out my book I brought to pass the dull moments ahead the
 next day.

        When I finally got to the hotel I passed the pool on the way to my
 room, remembering that I forgot my swimming trunks.  Damn, great way to
 start off.

        After eating with some other dudes I met at the hotel, I went back to
 my room to get some more golden seal and continued drinking gallon upon
 gallon of water and settled in to some vids on MTV.  When my roommate showed
 up we exchanged the customary introductions and chilled with some more MTV.
 I noticed he took a green capped bottle, not unlike my own, out of his bag
 and popped a couple of pills.

        "Trying to pass your UA?" I asked with a grin.  He smiled and nodded.
 "Me too."  I pulled out my bottle, "is that golden seal?"

        "No, it's vitamin B12.  My recruiter didn't tell me until yesterday
 that I'd be coming up here so I asked my friends what the best way to clean
 out my system was."

        "Yeah, I asked one of my friends who knows her herbs, she said golden
 seal would do the trick.  I'll trade ya some, we need all the help we can
 get."

        I ended up staying up all night, watching videos (That Limp Bizkit/
 Method Man vid kicks ass!) and drinking bottle after bottle of water.  I was
 drinking so much that I would drain a bottle then fill it in the sink while
 I pissed.  It was like every five minutes.  I'm convinced that I passed the
 test cuz I pissed a month's worth in those two days.

        The dudes were a little more talkative on the way back even though I
 slept most of the way back to Dubuque.  The recruiter told us his story
 about the Gulf War where he used to fly helicopters.  Some dumb ass, who was
 part of the team running to the 'copters to unload them when they landed,
 ran around the _back_ of the 'copter  and landed his head right into the
 spinning rear blade OUCH!!  He was mad cuz he had to take the rear of the
 helicopter apart and clean out the blade and repack the bearings while the
 desert sand was blowing all over.  I passed this story on to my recruiter
 who shared his story about the two dudes who slept under a big-assed tank to
 get out of the rain.  The tank was on a marshy area of land and it sunk in
 the night.

        So, as I prepare to go back to Des Moines this afternoon to wait to
 be shipped out, I will remember two things; stay away from the rear of
 helicopters and stay out from under big-assed tanks.


 Chapter Two: While M4D_3LF Is Away


 11/26/9 6:01 PM  phairgirl maaaaaaaaaaad eeeeeeeeeeeeeelf

 11/26/9 6:01 PM  M4D 3LF   how are you

 11/26/9 6:02 PM  phairgirl i b chillin'. 'sup

 11/26/9 6:03 PM  M4D 3LF   im steves little brother steves in the army

 11/26/9 6:04 PM  phairgirl yeah i know he is. that's why i was curious that 
                            his ICQ was online.

                            so have you destroyed everything he owns yet? heh

 11/26/9 6:04 PM  M4D 3LF   fuck off

 11/26/9 6:04 PM  phairgirl HHHHHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA you're silly

 11/26/9 6:05 PM  M4D 3LF   fuck you nigger
                            bitch dont talk
                            ot me

 11/26/9 6:06 PM  phairgirl well maybe if you would log off your brother's 
                            ICQ account, i'd leave you alone.

 11/26/9 6:07 PM  M4D 3LF   this is my computer my mom pays the bill

 11/26/9 6:08 PM  phairgirl and if everyone else went through your shit, 
                            you'd be pissed off, no?

                            just get your own icq account. takes 4 seconds 
                            and then i can't bug ya.

 11/26/9 6:08 PM  M4D 3LF   go fuck a pig

 11/26/9 6:11 PM  phairgirl i would but you're not here.... heh.

                            so you'd rather bitch at me than stay out of your
                            brother's shit? amusing. i'll have to remember to 
                            go through your room next time i'm over. let a 
                            gerbil loose or something.

 11/26/9 6:12 PM  M4D 3LF   GO PLAY WITH YOU DADDY

 11/26/9 6:14 PM  phairgirl you're an amusing little kid, ya know it?

                            hahaha i bet you can't even figure out HOW to 
                            turn this damn thing off or how to get your own. 
                            pussy bitch


 Chapter Three: It's Not Quite Full Metal Jacket


	M4D_3LF joined the military for the money, because his ex-wife,
 marijuana, and his passion for owning a notebook computer sucked the cash
 right out of him.  Even Wendy's could not save him from certain financial
 doom, because they expected him to work at 10am.

	However, he did not expect this.

	M4D_3LF opened his eyes upon his arrival in Nowheresville, Georgia to
 see that the army in his brochures was nothing like the real thing.  This,
 my friends, was the REAL army.

	All the men were sitting in a circle on the floor, passing around fat
 bowls of green, some of them popping various pills of all sorts of colors,
 while still others snorted and boiled and injected.  The head guy, wearing
 tie dye and a bandana, welcomed M4D_3LF to have a seat with everyone else.
 
	"Now listen here, recruits," the hippie stumbled through his words,
 "this is supposed to be the military.  So I'm gonna give you guys some guns
 and some uniforms, and tell you some cute stories to tell all your friends.
 In the meantime, we're going to spend the next three months HIGH AS KITES.
 And if anyone asks, repeat after me: 'Oh man, the Army sucks, I'm so glad to
 be home.'  That's all it takes.  And if any of you assfuckers make the bed,
 I swear I'll kick your faces in.  Hey you, pass some of those 'ludes over
 here, man."

	And then, M4D_3LF woke up.  Gay.


 Chapter Four: The 3LF Grows Up


        My friend Steve joined the Army what seems like an eternity ago, yet
 he's only begun his journey into the system.  I was like... gay.

        I went to see him graduate; I saw him standing there proud and
 militant, much unlike the Steve that I knew with his big baggy ass jeans and
 his rugged unshaved physique.  I went to see that special event for a lot of
 reasons, partly because I love the man like a brother, partly because I
 wanted to know if he still loved me like one.

        The road trip there was eventful enough, nothing like the ride back
 though.  But that is a completely different story all together.  With the
 car breaking down and all on the trip back, the shoplifting of fuel injector
 cleaner and such, you bet your nuts I'm gonna write that crap down.

        When we arrived, we checked into the hotel and whatever, got some
 rest and relaxation.  We got ahold of Steve's father and doublechecked the
 time we were supposed to meet up at our room to head off to the military
 base, since they were staying in the same hotel as we were.  Motel, I should
 say, a cheap fucking motel located in the ghetto of Columbus, GA.  But as I
 said before, that's a whole other story.

        We followed Jerry's (Steve's dad's) '95 Black Mustang GT convertible
 into the heart of the training base, and after some red tape bullshit, I got
 to see Steve.  But at the same time, I didn't see Steve.  It's hard to
 explain...

        As civilians, we're told to be individuals, to love ourselves and
 everyone around us, to break through the mold of everyday turmoil and try
 and succeed the best way you know how.  As the enlisted man is taught, you
 are nothing, you never were anything, the only thing that makes you special
 is what you can add to the team.  It's all teamwork with the military, fuck
 self-preservation, what's good for the team is good for you.  I heard Steve
 say over and over again "When I go to bed at night, I make sure I'm an
 individual."  I just wish I could believe him.

        I didn't recognize the look in his eyes.  He was... professional now,
 rebuilt, a little cold.  He was no longer the easily excited, arrogantly
 funny Steve I knew.  He was prepared now, he was expecting, he was... a
 soldier.  It's like they broke his brain open, put in a few new lines of
 code that made him part of some collective of a war-machine, and sealed him
 back up.  I mean yeah, he's Steve; he talks a lot with his hands, smiles
 easily, loves to joke around and smoke the green herb.  But at the same
 time, he's McFly; thats the nickname they gave him, because he looks like
 that guy from Back to the Future.  That's what he responds to now, "Hey
 McFly!", instead of "Hey STEVIE!"

        We ended up spending the seven hours we had with him in the motel
 room drinking and smoking weed with his Army buddies, talking about the
 service and how much it sucked.  I just sat there, and watched him converse
 about Drill Sargeants.  I was stoned, I saw everything from a different
 perspective, I knew now that I could not do this to myself.  I'm positive of
 it now, whether for the better or for the worse, my friend Steve has
 changed.  He's motivated and sure, it's like they hooded him with blinders
 and slapped him on the back and handed him a big fat check and said here
 boy, you done the country good boy, you're part of the team now boy, go and
 have a fruitful life boy, but remember, you're one of us, boy...

        I miss my friend Steve.  Maybe one day I'll see him again.

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 {  (c)2000 aNAda e'zine *     * aNAda016 * by M4D_3LF, BDB, and Phairgirl  }
  **************************************************************************
