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 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .       "80s WARS: Winger vs. Warrant"
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  . . .  .   .   . . .  . . .  . . .               by Phairgirl


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 *****  WELCOME TO '80s WARS: THE true test of what held up then, what  *****
 *****   holds up now, and what was a disease that hopefully the human  *****
 *****                       race will endure.                          *****

                  TONIGHT'S CONTENDERS: Winger vs. Warrant.
                                 Ding, Ding!


        I've never been more excited in my life to write something as I am to
 write this article.

        I was a HUGE hair band metalhead from the time I was in sixth grade
 until I started branching out to the whole new ALTERNATIVE/GRUNGE scene when
 I was a sophomore in high school.  That's four to five long years that I
 obsessed over this stuff.  I would live, eat, breathe, and sleep hair bands.

        There are obvious hair-metal geniuses that you can't battle against
 anyone else, because they were each brilliant in their own ways: for
 instance, everyone took themselves a lot more seriously than Poison.  They
 are simply beyond comparison.  Motley Crue.  Guns N' Roses.  Each more
 diverse than the last.  However, once you hit a certain point, they all
 started blending together.  And that is where Winger and Warrant stepped in.

        Winger released their self-titled album in 1988, while Warrant was
 still tinkering around in clubs.  They took over MTV with "Seventeen,"
 "Madalaine," and "Headed for a Heartbreak."  And I've avoided altogether
 thusfar mentioning Kip Winger, pinup god and super-smile extraordinaire.

        Winger was more than just Kip's pretty face, really.  Whether one
 chooses to believe it or not, there was some severe talent going on behind
 lyrics like "And just when I thought she was comin' to my door/She whispered
 sweet and brought me to the floor."  Rod Morgenstein, THE DRUMMER, is
 INCREDIBLE.  He's TAUGHT before, he's performed with the Dixie Dregs (who
 I managed to catch live... drool), he's performed with members of Dream
 Theater, he knows his shit.  I also happen to own some guitar compilations
 that show the diversity and skill of Reb Beach.  And Kip, well, he only
 played bass, I mean, hell, I can play bass.  But he had blue eyes and dark
 hair.  Melt.

        Winger followed up with _In The Heart Of The Young_ in 1990 (which
 technically is still in the decade of the '80s, and if I didn't include it
 then there would be very little material for this file).  Their technical
 mastery came out in spades and at the very least spawned the hit "Miles
 Away," along with the forgotten "Can't Get Enuff" and "EZ Come EZ Go."  It's
 good stuff, no, really, stop laughing at me.

        But by the time 1993 rolled around, Winger was more than just the
 butt of EVERY SINGLE JOKE EVER MADE about hair bands, which is mostly due
 to the prancing of Kippy boy, but what can you do with a pretty face?  Poor
 Kip.  Their album _Pull_ was great, and I don't care what anyone else says.

        While Winger was cruising along on cheesy lyrics but some fantastic
 talent and musicianship, Warrant was crawling around the corner.  Suddenly
 everyone wanted to go where the Down Boys go.  Remember that video, folks,
 with Jani Lane, Joey Allen, and Erik Turner doing that kickass choreographed
 headbanging and jumping around?  Ohhhhh yeah, that's what the '80s were all
 about, man.

        Man, Warrant ravaged MTV.  Do you remember "Heaven?"  OF COURSE YOU
 DO, IT WAS ON MTV 24 HOURS A DAY.  Remember their outfits?  That snow white
 jumpsuit thing going on?  The tragic beauty that made all the girls in the
 audience cry?  Yeah, Warrant had a clue what they were doing.  And then in
 1990 they backed it up with _Cherry Pie_, whose title track not only had
 one of the most tasteless videos ever but also got me in trouble in 8th
 grade for publishing the lyrics in the school newspaper.

        And then "Uncle Tom's Cabin."  And then "I Saw Red."  And "Bed of
 Roses."  And then they started to fizzle.  When they tried to bring the
 magic back in 1992 with _Dog Eat Dog_, MTV had all but forgotten them.  (I
 personally think it's their best album to date--some of the songs actually
 have some THOUGHT put into them--but it just happened to be in the wrong
 decade.  Sorry, guys.)

        My god, do any other two bands get ANY more insults combined than
 Winger and Warrant?  At least Winger called it quits in '93 and Kip Winger
 went off solo while the other guys started doing more practical things with
 their lives.  WINGER KNEW WHEN TO QUIT, and we thank them for it.

        Warrant, on the other hand, is still out touring, still trying to
 release albums on shitty tiny record labels.  They've only got 2 members of
 their original lineup still with them, but they're STILL WARRANT and they're
 STILL TOURING.  All anyone hears anymore is about Jani Lane the Drunk and
 Jerry Dixon the Drunk and how they keep cutting their tours short because
 they can't handle 3 weeks on the road together.  Right, guys, time to find
 some day jobs, don't you think?

        I think it's pretty obvious where I stand on this one.  Winger had
 prog influence.  They attempted TIME CHANGES and INTERESTING KEY CHANGES and
 CREATIVITY in their music.  Although they are more universally ridiculed
 than Warrant, they were CLEARLY the superior musicians.  I wish there was
 some way I could rebutt this point with Warrant, but it just ain't
 happening.  There's not even a competion with looks, for crying out loud.
 Jani Lane has been all but DNA matched as the fourth Budweiser frog, but
 Kip Winger... do I even need to GO that route?  I don't think I've mentioned
 Kip's teeth yet... oh yeah, that smile would put Donny Osmond to shame.

        Winger: stupid songs but brilliant musicians.  Kip is hot.

        Warrant: stupid songs, mediocre musicians.  Jani is not.

        If I have to draw a map at this point, you should be shot, because
 Warrant was fun and all, but they don't hold a candle to Winger.  If for
 some reason you do not understand this, listen to the last minute of
 "Headed for a Heartbreak" and tell me again that Winger was a bunch of
 no-talent whores.  Pick up some Dixie Dregs.  Just don't go near that
 godforsaken _Ultraphobic_ pile of shit.

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  .           anada 184                  by Phairgirl  (c)2000 anada e'zine .
      
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