                           .
                           .         a n a d a  1 4 3        0 9 - 0 2 - 0 0
                           .
  . .   . . .    . .    . .    . .
 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .          "Die, Evangelism, Die!!!"
 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .
  . . .  .   .   . . .  . . .  . . .               by Schoolboy


  . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

        One of the worst things to happen to me was about 5 years ago.  My
 best friend, who I'd known for nearly 10 years became a born again Christian
 -- spookily enough, he was actually called Christian.  For most people, I
 suppose, this wouldn't have too much impact but the problem is that I have
 always been a rampant, raving Atheist!

        The way it happened was quite bizarre.  I hadn't seen him for a few
 months, I think it had been over Christmas and we were doing our own things,
 also we were at different colleges and he had a girlfriend he'd been going
 out with for about a year.  She was a member of this church that he joined
 and he went along with her one time.  Now here I must point out that she was
 not a believing member, she only went to keep her parents happy and she
 hated every minute of it.

        While he was there the pastor and Christ knows who else pounced on
 this scruffy-looking student and got him into praying at home.  Now, again
 there is a mitigating circumstance you need to know, firstly his mother had
 frequent and disturbing bouts of schizophrenia and I had very strong
 evidence that he had increasingly teetered on the brink himself.  This would
 explain why when he did pray at his bedside that he claims he felt the
 euphoria and spiritual awakening all born agains claim to experience.  He
 was at one with the holy spirit and all that garbage.  His girlfriend was
 gutted.  In the end she could do nothing else but leave him as she wanted to
 fuck him so much and he wouldn't now have sex outside of marriage!

        I heard rumours he had turned and I didn't believe it until I asked
 him.  He knew full well how anti-religion I was and now he was playing
 violin every Sunday with a bunch of crazed fundamentalists.  He had been
 through school and learned evolution and had scoffed at the religious
 activities of our Roman Catholic only school.  The school was state funded
 but accepted just Catholic boys (we two were among the 30% quota of non-
 Catholics they were obliged to admit to maintain public funding) and I had
 actually just stood at the end of class, open eyed and silent while everyone
 else, including non-Catholics, mumbled some prayer or other that I didn't
 even know the words to.  Now he thinks evolution is rubbish, that the world
 was built in 7 days and that dinosaurs lived with humans!  Now I know that
 something like 40-50% of Americans believe this as well but in the UK you're
 talking probably less than 10%, or even 5%.

        The first time I asked him about it we ended up just discussing/
 arguing for about 2 hours because I thought he's not dumb, surely if I come
 up with all the best, most logical arguments then he'll come back to
 earth... nope.  You see, because he is a fundamentalist it gives him an
 answer for everything.

        ME: "You can't believe that every single word in the Bible is the
            exact word of God because it's been translated from Hebrew and
            Greek into English and those two ancient languages have words
            with multiple meanings.  Therefore, we have to rely on the
            translator to decide which meaning was the one intended."

       HIM: "Ah, but all languages are God's creation and he guides all
            translators to keep the meaning as he intended."

        ME: "What about the fact that it says 'an eye for an eye' in one
            place and then 'he who is without sin cast the first stone' in
            another bit?  Where's the consistency?"

       HIM: "You've got to look at the context..."

        ME: "Yes, the context.  Hebrews had a long standing tradition of
            spreading their messages using the medium of stories.  They'd
            make up stories with overt and hidden messages and it's clear
            that stories like the Creation and Revelations are fundamentally
            allegories as the symbolism is glaring.  For instance, it states
            that Jesus, whilst on the cross, was offered a vinegar-soaked
            sponge on the end of a Juniper twig or something like that.  But
            in reality, that species of twig could never hold a heavy, wet
            sponge.  The only reason it states the type of twig is because
            this twig is used in some sort of Jewish ceremony and it is
            therefore a symbol to Jews.  We know now that there were many
            prophecies by ancient Jews as to what the Messiah would say and
            do when he came to earth and many of the events in the New
            Testament are obviously included to fit a number of these
            prophecies, even on a symbolic basis, to re-enforce the message
            that Jesus is the Messiah."

 [As you can see, I couldn't help myself!]

       HIM: "But I believe in my heart that these things did happen..."

        ME: "So what's your position on Heaven and Hell?"

       HIM: "Well I just feel sorry for everyone who aren't Christians..."

 [by this he meant non-fundamentalists, i.e. Protestants, Catholics, Jews,
  Muslims etc. basically about 5.5 Billion people]

            "...because I know they're going to suffer eternity in Hell.  It
            makes me feel sad so I hope more people become Christians.  At
            least I know I'm going to heaven because I have accepted his holy
            spirit into my heart... vomit... splurge... drivel... rhubarb...
            jargon... lost me... self-righteous crap... JesusJesusJesus..."

        And he asked me not to swear in his presence for no particular
 reason, well certainly nothing that made any sense to me.  So I had to say
 stuff like, "Oh shshshshsugar!"  Still sadder would be if he missed a shot
 in a game of pool he'd say "Ah, FFFFfiddledeedee!"

        I say and have always said shit like, "Jesus fucking Christ!",
 "Fucking Hell!" or "Oh my God!" but I couldn't even say the last one without
 offending him!  *I'm* not the fucking Christian!

        I just couldn't get a handle on it so I used a college project as an
 excuse to visit his church and spend a Sunday speaking to its members and
 observing their Sunday service.  There was a reasonable mix of people but
 the vast majority of them were under 30 and they were all artificially nice,
 like Denny's waitresses.  The pastor was a 50 year-old freak with thick
 lensed glasses and a wicked two-way comb-over that I could have looked at
 all day.  He was a fund of warmth.  Just the sort of person you need if you
 crave warmth and there are plenty of people who do.

        I spoke to various people there and without exception there was some
 kind of sudden or day-to-day crisis/trauma/ill-wind that had seemingly made
 them vulnerable to this shit.  Some people were using this as a quick fix
 for fighting mental illness.  "I've come to the Lord and I am cured!"  Well
 they would say that if they're standing next to the pastor on a stage in
 front dozens of all their "friends".

        I know in the US the fundamentalist doctrine, or certain aspects of
 it, is relatively mainstream but in Britain these non-denominational,
 evangelical churches still have a cultish image.  The sight of people with
 arms in the air dancing to religious ballads and calling themselves
 Fellowships just sets our teeth on edge.  It's this feeling that they're
 trying to make religion trendy that smacks of falsehood whereas in contrast
 the US the same doctrine is applied by white, middle-class, middle-aged
 Republicans.  Another thing that doesn't help their image in Britain is
 they're forever going round each others houses, effectively to the exclusion
 of anyone else.

        For instance, the most depressing part of the dying embers of my
 friendship with Christian was when it was his birthday and instead of having
 a party at his place or going out on the town, a senior member of the church
 arranged a birthday party and all his church friends attended.  Now I did go
 but I felt so out of place it was untrue.  Because these donut heads don't
 drink because it says something in the bible about it (JESUS TURNED WATER
 INTO WINE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!) the party had no alcohol and in the end they
 just had a religious sing-song round a piano.  After about half an hour I
 couldn't stand it and left with his girlfriend who spilled the beans about
 how he got into it and why she was so disappointed he'd joined them.

        He went to university later and became head of the Student Christian
 Society (geez!).

        These churches I have no problem with existing, and to be fair they
 don't go to city centres and harass people into joining them, but if they
 could just accept that someone who speaks to them who isn't a believer has
 the right to that opinion I'd be happy.  I was speaking to this woman at the
 church during my project and the first thing she asked was "Are you a
 believer?".

        "No, I'm an atheist.  Have been since I was 7.  I thought about it a
 long time and I just don't see why there should be a God," I said.

        "Oh, well... convert to us convert to us... JesusJesusJesusJesus...
 Spirit... Lovelovelovelovelove..." she said, sort of.

        So the Fundamentalist Christian Faith took my best friend away from
 me, though looking back if it hadn't been that it would have been the men in
 white coats (he was beginning to hear voices before the church came along).
 I mean, I saw the notes he made when making decisions.  What he did was to
 split the page in half and write one heading - "What I want" and then -
 "What God wants" and then write a list of things!  He had obviously been
 coached to do this by the pastor or a mate and I couldn't believe it when I
 saw it on his notepad.  This is the kind of hold this church has over
 individuals.

        And that is the thing that 99% of religions forget; we are all
 individuals.

  . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
                                                                             
  .           anada 143                  by Schoolboy  (c)2000 anada e'zine .
      
  . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
