                                                                  #
 anada   "The First Annual                                        #          
 222         LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE   +###           +###    +####    +###  
                  Awards"             #    #  #  #   #    #  #    #   #    # 
                                by   #     #  # ##  #     #  #    #  #     # 
 28                       Infernal   #    .#  ## #  #    .#  #   .#  #    .# 
 nov                                  *###  * #   *  *###  * *###  *  *###  *
 2000 .+#################################################################.net

 [SETTING: a glamorous awards ceremony.  Spotlights sweep the sky outside,
 while smartly-dressed ushers lead glamorous men and women to their
 invitation-only seats.  Celebrities ignite the night with their dazzling
 smiles and charismatic entrances.  Why, look!  There’s Tom Bosley, TV’s
 Mister Cunningham!  Actor-turned-singing sensation Philip Michael Thomas!
 Entomologist To The Stars, Dr. Wiffley Snidegarb!  The conversation in the
 room dies out as the lights dim and a spotlight bathes the empty podium in
 warm light.]

 ANNOUNCER: And now, our presenter, popular presenter and former comedian
            Billy Crystal!!!

 [BILLY CRYSTAL jogs out from the wings to a standing ovation.]

 CRYSTAL: Thank you, thank you so much.  Thanks.  Your warmth means a lot
          to me, it makes it all worthwhile.  The life of a professional
          presenter isn’t always easy, you know.  Last week my daughter –
          that’s Erika, she’s five – looked up and said to me, in that
          adorable little girl voice of hers, "Daddy?  What did you do when
          you had a career?"

 [Crowd laughs and applauds.]

 CRYSTAL: I wasn’t making a joke.

 [Uncomfortable silence.]

 CRYSTAL: ANYway, enough about me, let’s get on with the festivities!  As
          you all know, tonight is a very special occasion – we’re going to
          be presenting the First Annual Leave Me The Hell Alone Awards,
          given out by Infernal – there he is, can we get a light on him?
          Stand up, Infernal!  Give him a hand, folks!

 [INFERNAL stands and smiles graciously from a seat near the back, nodding
 in various directions.  He is dressed in a tux jacket over a Cirith Ungol
 t-shirt, and seated next to him is his date for the evening, actress
 Margot Kidder, dressed in mud and leaves.]

 CRYSTAL: All righty, let’s get things rolling here.  Our first category is
          "Stop Emailing Me."  With the growth of the Information
          Superhighway, email has become an important mode of communication,
          bringing us all, no matter where on Earth we are, a little bit
          closer together.  Or in SOME cases, a little TOO close!

 [Polite laughter.]

 CRYSTAL: And that’s something this next guy knows all about.  Does he ever!
          Don’t give him MY email address!!  Ladies and gentlemen, the winner
          of the "Stop Emailing Me" category, The Guy With The Resume Who
          Sends It Every Four Days To A Million People!!!!

 [Thunderous applause.  A frail, bookish man in a plaid jacket gets up from
 the front row and walks, with the aid of crutches, up the steps to the
 podium.]

 TGWTRWSIEFDTAMP: Thank you, thank you everyone.  It is truly an honor to
                  be here, spotlighted on the Leave Me The Hell Alone Awards
                  this year.  My BASIC Programming teacher in seventh grade
                  used to tell me, "Mark, dare to dream."  And I’m so glad I
                  took that advice to heart – who knew that, thanks to the
                  wonders of the Internet, I could use bulk emailing software
                  to send my resume to over one million people?  And that,
                  since we live in the greatest, freest, most amazing country
                  in the world, that I could send it every four days to the
                  same million people, without a single change to it, whether
                  or not they were hiring anyone, or even owned a business,
                  or even needed a systems analyst?

 [TGWTRWSIEFDTAMP pauses, pulls out a handkerchief and wipes his eyes.]

 TGWTRWSIEFDTAMP: I’m sorry, it’s just a very emotional moment for me.
                  Anyway, I just want to thank a few people – my Quake II
                  club, my Starbucks manager Karen, for letting me take the
                  time off work to come out here, and my parents – I swear,
                  guys, I’ll have my Commodore 64 stuff out of the attic next
                  weekend!  Heh!  Heh heh!

 [Uncomfortable silence.]

 TGWTRWSIEFDTAMP: Uh, and of course, thanks to Infernal for this great, great
                  honor.

 INFERNAL: [shouting from seat] Fuck you, you twit!  Stop sending me your
           fucking resume every four days!

 TGWTRWSIEFDTAMP: Oh, no problem.  You see, one of those million people I
                  kept emailing to turned out to be right down the block from
                  me, and even though I’d had my email and phone numbers
                  changed because of, you know, all the death threats and
                  prank calls, he saw my address, and came down and, uh,
                  sorta busted up my PC with a ball bat.  And, uh, my knees
                  too.

 CRYSTAL: [leans in to mic] You know what, Mark, we just happen to have that
          guy here tonight!  Everyone, give a hand to Tom Sturgis, there he
          is!

 [TOM STURGIS stands, baseball bat in one hand, and waves the other at the
 crowd, smiling genially, and the crowd applauds.]

 TGWTRWSIEFDTAMP: [screaming] Hey!  Get him out of here!  I’ve got a
                  restraining order on him!!  Gah!!!  [TGWTRWSIEFDTAMP falls
                  backward off the back of the stage and is gone.]

 CRYSTAL: There you go, folks, and hey, if you need a systems analyst, I
          think he’s still available!

 [Crowd laughs.]

 CRYSTAL: Okay, moving right along, our next category is Stop Calling Me.
          We’ve all been victimized by the terrible invention of that
          incontinent madman, Alexander Graham Bell, haven’t we folks?  How
          many times has that diabolical clangor heralded the wheedlings of a
          telemarketer, or an unliked relative, or a supposed friend asking
          to borrow money?  But this guy here, he’ll actually make you think
          about yanking the damn thing out of the wall and going back to
          carrier pigeons.  The winner of the Stop Calling Me category is…
          The Guy Who Won’t Shut Up About Vicious Rumors And Repeats
          Everything Six Times Because He May Or May Not Be Retarded!!!  Give
          ‘im a hand!

 [TGWWSUAVRARESTBHMOMNBR shuffles up to the stage with a slow, crooked
 gait.  He is wearing a food-spattered vinyl dishwasher’s apron over a
 Vicious Rumors "Welcome To the Ball" tour t-shirt.]

 TGWWSUAVRARESTBHMOMNBR: Uh, hello.  [long pause]  Hello there.  I call
                         Infernal at work.  [long pause]  I call him, at
                         work, a lot.  Hello.  [pause]  Do any of you know
                         where I can find the self-titled Vicious Rumors?
                         [long pause]  ‘Cause I’m looking for it.  The self-
                         titled Vicious Rumors.  Hello.  [long pause]  Do you
                         have the self-titled Vicious Rumors?  It’s out of
                         print.  [pause]  I call Infernal at work.  I am
                         looking for the self-titled Vicious Rumors.  [pause]
                         It’s out of print, and I’m a collector.  I collect
                         out-of-print CD’s like the self-titled Vicious
                         Rumors.  It’s out of print but it is very good.
                         Hello.  [pause] I call Infernal at work, and I ask
                         him, uh, hello, do you have the self-titled Vicious
                         Rumors?  Because I’m a collector.  And it’s out of
                         print.  I bought the other one, it’s out of print
                         but I’m a collector and it’s very good.  Hello?
                         [long pause]  Because I can’t find the self-titled
                         Vicious Rumors, because it’s out of print.  It’s
                         expensive but that’s because it’s out of print.  So
                         I call Infernal.  I just – I was just wondering if
                         you had it.  No?  Because it’s hard to find and very
                         good, and so is the other one, but I got that one,
                         even though it’s out of print.  It was really
                         expensive but I am a collector, so I need the self-
                         titled Vicious Rumors.  It’s out of – hello?  I need
                         the self-collector Vicious title print expensive
                         Infernal good print Rumors.  Hello?  Hello.  I was
                         hoping you would –

 MARGOT KIDDER [screaming, wild-eyed]: MAKE THE RETARD SHUT UP!!!!!

 TGWWSUAVRARESTBHMOMNBR: Hey, I’m not retarded!  I just am trying to find
                         the self-titled –

 [MARGOT KIDDER shrieks and rushes the stage, tackling
 TGWWSUAVRARESTBHMOMNBR.  The two of them tumble off the back of the
 stage.  There is a loud clatter and crash.]

 CRYSTAL: Ladies and gentlemen, a hand for Margot Kidder!!

 [Crowd thunderously applauds.]

 CRYSTAL: Next up, it’s – wait a second, what’s this?

 [A naked woman walks on stage, hands CRYSTAL an envelope, waves at the
 crowd, and exits.]

 CRYSTAL: [opening envelope] Wonder what this could be?  [reads over the
          top of his spectacles]  Oh, my goodness.  Folks, this is just
          great.  I just got word here, that the entire world has – well, I
          should just read this.  "For his elitist rantings, condescending
          treatment of others, intolerance for the less intelligent, constant
          irritating sarcasm, and smug illusion of total superiority, the
          entire world has given Infernal his own ‘Lifetime Achievement’
          Leave Us The Hell Alone Award!!!"

 [An explosion of frenzied applause from the audience.  INFERNAL, shocked,
 walks slowly up to the podium.]

 INFERNAL: Well, this is came out of left field, didn’t it.  Um, I don’t
           have anything prepared.  I, uh, guess I’d like to thank God, the
           Academy, my producer, my –

 CROWD: SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP!!!

 INFERNAL: Oh.  Right.  Well, before I go, lemme just –

 CRYSTAL: [angrily] Jesus, you dick, shut your goddamn cake hole!!  Take a
          hint!!!!

 [CRYSTAL slugs INFERNAL in the jaw.  INFERNAL flies backwards with a
 "Guh!" sound and falls backward off the stage.  There is a loud crash and
 commotion.]

 CRYSTAL: [rubbing knuckles]  Okay, folks, that about wraps it up for the
          First Annual Leave Me The Hell Alone Awards.  We’ll be doing
          another one of these, oh, about the time shit sticks to the
          everlovin’ Moon.  Please exit to the right in an orderly fashion.

 INFERNAL: [from backstage]  Margot?? Guy Who Won’t Shut Up About Vicious
           Rumors And Repeats Everything Six Times Because He May Or May Not
           Be Retarded???  I can’t believe this!!  You put those leaves and
           mud back on this instant!!

 [Lights dim.]

 .+##########################################################################

 anada222 by Infernal                                                (c) 2000
 ###################################################################anada.net
