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          A            "Telemarketer's Lament"         aNAda #28   A
        A                                                            A
     A                      by Phairgirl               03/19/00         A
 A                                                                          A
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        My script, always read verbatim:

 "Hi, this is Summer with Verifications.  To prevent clerical errors, we are
 on a recorded line.  Today's date is March 18, 2000.  May I have the main
 phone number you make long distance calls from, area code first."

        Common replies, questions, and interruptions:

   * "I don't have that number with me right now, I don't know all the long
     distance numbers I call offhand."

   * "Do I need to make long distance calls with my AOL?  We have a local
     number."

   * "Why do you need my phone number?  What are you doing?  I already gave
     you AOL people my phone number."

   * "It's only March 17th, you have the date wrong."

   * "Who are you?  What is Summer?  I thought I was talking to AOL."


 "Are there additional lines you would like added to this program?"

   * "Yes, I would like an additional line, because I can't get my phone
     calls when I'm on AOL."

   * "What do you mean, 'additional lines?' I only have one!"

   * "Do I get 3 more free months if I sign up another line?"

   * "Maybe I should add my mom's number, too."


 "You do have the authority to make decisions on your long distance phone
 service and the AOL account, correct?"

   * "What do you mean by authority?"

   * "What kind of decisions?"

   * "I pay the bills!"

   * "Can you read that again?  I was trying to get my computer to connect to
     AOL, but it says my phone line is in use.  Why won't it work?"


 "And you are giving your approval to change your [AT&T / Sprint / MCI /
 non-existing / existing] long distance service to the AOL Long Distance
 Savings Plan, correct?"

   * "You mean I can't have both?"

   * "Do I HAVE to?"

   * "So you're telling me I won't have AT&T anymore if I switch to AOL?"

   * "What is the AOL Long Distance Savings Plan?  Why are you talking about
     my long distance?"


 "And [sir/ma'am], each month, all charges for the AOL Long Distance Savings
 Plan are conveniently billed to the same form of payment as your AOL
 account.  You can view or print a list of your long distance calls by going
 to keyword LD MEMBER on AOL, okay?"

   * "What was that keyword? LB? LV?"

   * "What does LD stand for?"

   * "You mean it won't come on my phone bill?

   * "Where do I put that LD Member at?"

   * "You mean this is all going on my credit card?"

   * "Actually, I'm a ma'am, not a sir."

   * "So my AOL is going to be on my phone bill now?"

   * "What was that keyword? LD Number?"

   * "I'm trying right now, and I don't see KEYWORD anywhere on AOL, I just
     see the sign-in screen."


 "For identification purposes, may I please have your date of birth."

   * "Hey mom, what's your birthday?"

   * "How do you want that?  Do you want the numbers or the words?"

   * "I don't give people that information over the phone, but I will give
     you my mother's maiden name."


 "Please spell your first name."

   * "What?"

   * "Maria Sanchez."

   * "K-Y-S-K-J-Z-K-M-N-M-A-K-K-L"


 "And your last name."

   * "That's what I just GAVE you."

   * "What?"

   * "S-F-N-K-M-I-A-K-A-E-E-J-K-M-N"


 "Please spell your AOL screen name."

   * "What's that?"

   * "111 Kelly Lane, Galena, Illinois"

   * "I-L-U-V-C-R-A-K.  Wait, you didn't mean my password, did you?"

   * "S-T-A-R." (Are there any numbers after that?) "What do you mean?  This
     is the name I'm going to pick."

   * "JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEY!  WHAT'S OUR SCREEN NAME?"

   * "Here, talk to my son.  I don't understand computers."

   * "I don't have an AOL account yet!  That's why I'm calling, because I put
     in the disc, and my computer made a buzzing noise and then exploded, and
     I'm trying to figure out why my screen is blank!"


 "May I have the name the AOL account is under?"

   * "The account number?"

   * "The name?  Farmer's National Bank."

   * "I do not understand.  You have someone who speak Spanish?"

   * "Name?  What name?  I don't know what you mean by the NAME."


 "And your zip code?"

   * "515."

   * "Dammit, I just moved, I don't know the zip code here yet."


 "Talk.com does business as The Phone Company in many jurisdictions.  All
 state-to-state long distance calls are only five cents per minute.  This
 service activates intra-state, intra-lata, and international calling, and
 these rates vary.  You will receive a free month of AOL after month 2, 6,
 and 12 of billing.  The satisfaction guarantee applies to state-to-state
 calls only.  This service will be billed with a low $5.95 monthly fee.  Your
 AOL internet membership must be active within 30 days or all usage for this
 service will then be billed on your local phone bill.  This promotion is not
 available in combination with any other offers.  For other terms and
 conditions, along with additional program details, please visit keyword LD
 MEMBER.  Future communications may be recorded quality control purposes."

   * "WHAT does business?"

   * "Hey hey hey, you Yankees talk too fast."

   * "State-to-state?  What about in my own state?"

   * "What do you mean they vary?"

   * "So how much is it to call Honduras, Sweden, Columbia, and Hong Kong?"

   * "You mean I don't get the 3 free months all at once?"

   * "After WHICH months?  3, 6, and 9?"

   * "So when do my free months start?  April?"

   * "But Gateway gave me a free year of AOL.  Does that mean I lose 3
     months?"

   * "OHHH, I GET IT, you spread them out over a YEAR so that I'm stuck with
     this program for a YEAR if I want all 3 free months."

   * "Please talk slower, I do not know much English."

   * "So all my other calls aren't GUARANTEED?"

   * "So no matter how many calls I make, I have to pay $5.95 every month?"

   * "I thought you said this wasn't going on my phone bill."

   * "So now my AOL is going to be on my phone bill?"

   * "What do you mean, ACTIVE?  How do I know if my account is ACTIVE?"

   * "It's not in combination with any other offers?  What about the 500 free
     hours on my disc, do they count?"

   * "I'M KINDA HARD OF HEARING, CAN YOU REPEAT ALL THAT?"

   * "What was that keyword?  Is that the same as the last one you gave me?"

   * "I changed my mind, I don't want this anymore."


 "Thank you for your time, and have a good day."

   * "Wait, wait!  I have another question!"


 [Click.]

 Heh. Heh. Heh.

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 {  (c)2000 aNAda e'zine *                       * aNAda028 * by Phairgirl  }
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