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 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .                  "My Life"
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  . . .  .   .   . . .  . . .  . . .               by AphexTwin23


  . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

        What can I say... I've had a fucked up life.  You all know that you
 wake up every morning wondering what's been going on with ME.  Oh you all
 just yearn for me each and every day.  Just to hear my soothing voice...
 telling you a tale that is all too dramatic yet real.  Shall I go on?  This
 may take awhile... but you always save your time to hear me rant stories.
 Hahaha.  Fuck YOU!

        I grew up in clouds and rainbows.  In a land far far away.  Well not
 really but let's just pretend for now.  I don't remember what happened.  I 
 must've been beaten when I was a child.  I think mommy and daddy smoked too 
 many drugs and left me on the street to rot in my own misery.  I'm not sure 
 where the years went.  The only things I can remember are grade school.  

        I was already throwing sand at boys and trying to make them go blind
 in preschool.  Then in kindergarten I ended up calling a BIG girl a nigger.  
 Gosh I hate the word.  But I did say it... I didn't know any better.  In
 fourth grade I was beating kids with swings.  

        In fifth grade... D I V O R C E.  This was a big change for me.  I
 didn't understand what was going on.  All I knew was that my dad was a lying
 piece of shit for thinking that I'd believe his reasons.  Yeah I almost
 believe that he and mom weren't getting along.  That's bullshit.  They were
 married 15 years... fuck that.  I know better.  YOU CHEATED.  You go to hell
 for that shit fuckhead.  If only I believed there was one.  And so my dad
 decided a few months later to introduce me to his new girl.  She hated me
 from the moment she laid eyes on me.  And I hated her all the same.  And she
 had 2 kids too.  Two fucked up pieces of shit.  Two kids who were sluts, who 
 smoked, who did everything in their power to be little rebellious shits, who 
 fucked wiith other people and other people's property as much as possible...
 and who were just plain evil.  And so of course over the length of three
 years I had gotten into plenty of trouble just by being with them.  And
 look at me now.

        Then I start smoking... fifth grade... I'm so *naughty* hehehee.
 Sixth grade I'm such a loser.  But hey I'm in grade school... we all get
 along.  Especially since I have my hookups who can provide these children 
 with smokey treats.  Because I'm just such a bad ass.  Word to your
 mother... I'm a bad motherfucker.  Haha.  My first boyfriend... sigh.  How
 fuckin adorable.  Can you believe my first relationship lasted 3 consecutive 
 months?  That's crazy shit.  You should see that kid now... he's pimpin big 
 time.  But anywho.... 6th grade was fun.  I was king of the world!!!  I had
 a few little flings that year.  Never got over Tony... aww... he was so 
 sweet... until I found someone else... haha.  

        The summer before seventh grade I decided to move up in my theifhood
 and attempt to steal from Younkers.  If only I had grown a brain I would
 have realized that Younkers is not a cool place to steal from.  So I got 
 caught... which was actually kind of funny.  Walking around the mall with a 
 piggy on the left and a big fat bitch on the right.  And so my 20 dollar hat 
 had now become worth 200 dollars.  Because fuck... I wasn't going to do any 
 community service in 6th grade.  And I got to go to a class too and see a 
 video that basically shows you how to be a better theif.  Maybe only I 
 thought that.  Hmm.

        7th grade.  My attempt at being "cool".  That was hilarious.  I went
 all out and branded myself with Sugar, Mossimo, and other "cool" brands.
 And my popularity lasted... let's see... maybe 2 months.  Then I realized
 that they were a bunch of bitches and I became a loser.  7th grade was a
 blur.

        Oh yeah Matt.  Matt and I met through my almost stepsisters.  We went
 out for a total of a year... but over a range of a couple years.  I thought
 I loved him.  What did I know?  I stayed with him because I thought I loved 
 him.  How could I have ever BEEN that stupid?  He mentally abused me for
 that year.  Said things ranging from... you're a worthless human being... to
 your mom's an alcoholic... to you have no friends and they're all
 druggies... to I hate you... oh no now I love you.  And so I put up with
 this and it's just another piece of me.  Had a few more flings in 7th grade.

        I started drinking the summer before 8th grade.  Not excessively but
 I still did drink some vodka, black velvet, whine coolers, and peach
 schnapps every once in a while.  Drink some vodka and mountain dew right
 before school.  Just for the sake of saying I did it.  I was a loser.  Oh 
 yes... started smoking the wonderous Mary Jane too.  Only because I was
 bored.  I called my friend Chris up and asked him if he could hook me and my
 best friend up with some weed.  And I decided I'd only do it once... figured
 I wouldn't like it.  I'm always wrong.  So my first time smoking weed... I
 was really horny.  I was getting up on the tables blaring Silverchair
 singing "I'M A FREAK!"  Then I was laying on the floor shaking convinced
 that I was on Meth.  Kristen got abusive.  She threw me at the wall, threw a
 phone at me... and started playing the guitar.  Chris was just chilled
 out... I think he was already a burnout at that time.  

        8th grade... Mike.  We went out for about half a year.  He was so
 nice to me.  Bought me everything, respected me, cared about me, etc.  Aww.
 But because I'm just a really big bitch and didn't like people caring for me
 I broke up with him.  I'm so rude.  8th grade... hmm I can't remember much.

        Summer before 9th grade.  Wow.  That was one jampacked fuckedup
 summer.  I smoked a lot of weed and decided to do shrooms.  I broke away
 from the only people who truly cared about me... to do weed.  I met this
 kid.  We'll call him Jack (ass).  Oh I'm so clever.  Anyways... he was the
 shit.  The coolest person I had ever met.  I was fascinated by the kid
 because he was just so fucked up and demented.  We'd stay out all night
 chasing cars... scaring the fuck out of people... smoking weed... checkin
 out fucked up sites on the internet... and lighting stop signs and shit on
 fire.  It was great.  And my best friend decided she liked him and they went
 out.  They were so happy together.  He even moved up here... for her?  I
 can't remember.

        So I tried shrooms.  I walked all the way from past Kmart to the
 mall.  I couldn't stop walking.  I was seeing colors, smiley faces laughing
 at me... and I was convinced I was walking up stairs when I was actually
 going in a straight line.  And those neon lights at the mall were just so
 fascinating.  Freshman year came and I didn't care what people thought of
 me... I dressed like I wanted to... was completely turned off by the rest of
 the school.

        Oh yeah... back on Jack.  Haha.  I love my little names.  So if I
 remember correctly Jack and his girlfriend started fighting maybe.  I
 personally think they were just sick of each other.  They broke up.  She
 broke up with him and told him it wasn't forever... just for awhile.  But he
 decided to go fuck some girl 2 weeks later.  And be a complete asshole to my
 best friend by telling her she has no hormones... and basically acting as if
 what they had never mattered.  And of course I was on her side and he
 started being an asshole to me too.  And so me and my friend decided to hang
 out with him and his new bitch and her bitchy friend.  We were all really
 rude to each other.  So then when he actually told my best friend that he
 fucked his new girlfriend she didn't take this very well.  She got
 depressed... suicide was a possibility... lada lada lada... and so she moved
 away from me and I became depressed, etc.

        So the rest of freshmen year sucked.  I was depressed.  I went out
 with a piece of depressing lard for a couple months.  We went to Prom
 together.  I hung around a bunch of fucked up, destructive, "goths" and that
 was that.  We broke up because I realized I deserve better.  that this guy
 wasn't going anywhere in life... and so with that... neither would I be
 going anywhere and I want to.  I know that's a bitchy reason to break up
 with someone... but you'll have that.

        Freshmen year in a nutshell:  Jack and my friend, friend moves
 away, depression, a lot of weed, lardass, wannabe goths, prom, sheep,
 antisocial...

        I did shrooms again the last day of school.  Very interesting.  Do
 not GO to school if you are on shrooms.  I saw snakes in my teacher's hair,
 I thought the walls were biting me, I thought I was in a mental institute 
 because the walls were all white, I saw a dead person, couldnt find my one 
 class, thought my math teacher was planning a conspiracy against me because 
 she wanted us to put spirals together in a puzzle, played frisbee and
 thought it went through me, and I was just lost.

        And so I met a more enlightened person.  He was cool as fuck.  Really
 helped me out.  I realized I was an addict and so I stopped smoking weed and 
 stopped smoking cigarettes and stopped drinking and stopped doing shrooms.  
 And so this guy... he was the shit.  And so because I thought he was so
 great I confused myself into thinking I wanted more in our friendship.
 Because yes... I was attracted to him... but I could never go out for him...
 for many reasons.  And so in my attempt to let him know how I felt I just
 fucked everything up.  Because now he thinks that I can only "get over him"
 if we don't hang out anymore for awhile.  But I've easily gotten over him.
 I'm into this other guy a lot now and so I don't see why we have to continue
 to not see each other.  Maybe it's his own problems... not mine anymore?  
 Whatever.  Yeah so he's friends with... my imaginary Jack.  And that's fine.  
 Although I despise of the kid... they can be friends.  But I think anyone
 who has ever hung out with Jack turns into  a complete asshole and puts off
 everyone who's ever cared for them.  Because JACK doesn't give a fuck about
 anyone but himself.  OCD.  I still think Jack is a cool person... just has
 pissed me off a lot.  And so this guy is going to slowly lose my friendship
 too if he continues to do whatever it is that he's doing.  Because I am not
 angry... in fact it's totally understandable.  It's just irritating that I
 am obviously "over him" and he's continuing to not see me.  Fuck.

        And so that brings me to right now.  I have nothing to say except
 that I don't know what to think about anything anymore.  I'm sick of
 thinking.  Sick of analying everything.  Sick of observing things.  SICK
 SICK SICK.

        Hey I'm sick of Slipknot too.  They're cool.  Love the music... love
 the lyrics.  But they're a bunch of fakes.  "Yeah I'm a bad ass group from
 Iowa so dont ever judge me" yeah... fuck that shit.     

  . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
                                                                             
  .           anada 179                by AphexTwin23  (c)2000 anada e'zine .
      
  . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
