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    ###  # ###                                                   #######    
    ####  ###           "Eating Like a Human, Not a Cow"           ###       
     #######                     by Phairgirl                            
      ####                                                                  

	Everyone thinks I'm crazy.  I'm not fucking crazy.

	Here's the situation:  I grew up in a house where I was taught to be
 polite at the table.  We weren't rich, we weren't snooty.  We were just
 regular working class Americans.  Nothing fancy.  Anyway, while growing up,
 my mom was particularly incensed that we all not eat like we grew up feeding
 from a trough.  And thank you Mom for that, because I never worry about
 looking icky or uncultured while eating in public (except for noodles--
 they'll always get the best of me, that slippery, slimy pasta).

	So when we would sit around the dinner table, there was one big rule:
 don't smack your lips when you chew.  Simple, right?  I mean, all it
 involves is putting the food in your mouth and chewing it without opening
 your mouth until you're ready for the next bite or if your nose is stuffy
 and you have to breathe.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist for this one,
 folks.  And don't get me wrong, there were other rules.  Don't talk with
 food in your mouth.  Don't scrape your silverware on your teeth.  Don't make
 slurping noises.  And if you're eating a chip, put the whole thing in your
 mouth before you crunch down on it.

	And what was the penalty for violation of these simple rules?  Well,
 usually you just got yelled at.  Then yelled at some more.  But if it really
 got on Mom's nerves, and you really had it coming, then SMACK, you got a
 reddened cheek, and you didn't smack those lips anymore.

	Many people find this to be cruel and unusual.  I don't.  But then
 again, I also believe that spanking is a good thing (especially after
 watching 5 year old rugrat children running loose throwing rocks at my car
 as I drive by) and that in some households, it works well for discipline.
 It certainly did in my house--we all grew up as well adjusted as we possibly
 could given our personalities.

	This upbringing, however has also led me to pick up these traits of
 abhorring wretched eating practices.  Countless times I have told friends of
 mine to please chew with their mouths closed or wait to tell me something
 until they swallowed.  And even moreso I would mock them, making obnoxious
 smacking noises with my mouth or mimicking a cow chewing cud.  ANYTHING to
 get it through their heads that they looked and sounded like a farm animal.
 
	Poor Jen.  Her mom tried telling me that Jen's jaw was misaligned so
 she couldn't chew with her mouth closed.  I told her that was a pile of
 crap.  I honestly told her mom she was making excuses for her daughter's bad
 manners.  I'm seriously THAT BAD about this.  Also my poor friend Sarah, who
 I have NO IDEA how she was raised to eat, gets so much crap from me because
 she holds her fork like a shovel and smacks her lips like crazy.  I was
 always so mean to them, and I don't mean to be, I just don't like being
 nauseated while I'm eating.

	It gets worse.  My dad's side of the family obviously never had my
 mom with them when they were growing up, and that whole clan is full of lip
 smackers.  Oh man.  My mom and I have both spent years trying not to burst
 at Thanksgiving to tell our dear relatives that we don't want to watch their
 food being half digested nor do we want to hear the wonderful sound of metal
 on teeth.  I mean, we were both pretty nauseated, but what can you do but
 grin and bear it.  Aaargh.

	And lastly, I am brought to today.  I worry a lot when I want to date
 someone, because I know the eating thing will be a huge hurdle.  In fact, I
 dated one guy in particular whose mouth noises were enough to make me still
 shudder today, but I restrained myself as much as possible.  At work, we eat
 in a small cafeteria which isn't crowded or noisy, so I hear all the eating
 going on.  And the girl who rides to work with me, Laura, always feels the
 need to sit with me and eat with me... and oh god... it's all I can do to
 not look up from my book and to eat very crunchy things that will drown out
 the noise.  God help you if you should ever have to watch someone eat a
 banana in three bites without them pausing to swallow before taking the next
 bite, or chain-eating Cheetos.  It's just not pretty, although it sure does
 help that whole bulemia thing I've been trying to get.

	People.  Please.  MAKE THE EFFORT TO KEEP YOUR LIPS TOGETHER WHILE
 EATING.  It's not hard, really, it's not.  If my family can do it, so can
 you.  And if not, then don't eat.  Starve.  Fucking die.  Anything is better
 than watching you eat.

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 # (c)2000 aNAda e'zine                          aNAda089 .*.  by Phairgirl #
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