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     '                                                                  '
    '   anada          "Catnip Abuse--The Facts Are In"          28 jan  '
   '     271            by Ellen Gorman, aka Funnigerl5           2001    '
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        Until just recently there has been a lack of conclusive facts about 
 catnip and its effects on felines.  But in the past five years the use of 
 catnip among household pets has surged dramatically, and it is clear that we 
 must make a large-scale effort to understand the implications of catnip and 
 its effects on users. 

        Clinical studies of this substance have only recently been
 documented.  It is a strong-scented plant in the mint family which, when
 used by cats, produces a quasi-psychedelic effect which can last up to eight
 hours.  Cats like to roll around in it, but its effect take hold even when
 it is just sniffed or snorted (often called "tooting nip"). 

        House cats can have good and bad "trips" with catnip.  Its
 pleasurable effects are immediately apparent--the "high" cat seems to
 delight in the sensual; you'll find him rolling around on the floor in an
 aroused manner and he enjoys his food immensely to the point of rubbing his
 nose in it; and he'll dig into his scratching post like there's no tomorrow.
 You'll note that the "stoned" cat under the influence will prefer lying
 around listening to music over chasing after birds. 

        But a bad trip can be a harrowing experience.  Catnip may produce
 paranoid feelings such as visions of being chased by Rotweilers, as well as 
 causing the user to think he may have lost his whiskers.  This usually 
 results in a major "freak out" which lasts until the terrified pet is
 assured that his whiskers are indeed still attached to his face.   

        These immediate affects of catnip are only part of the picture.  The
 long-term effects of catnip on felines are just being studied; however, 
 research thus far has led us to some preliminary conclusions.  Long term 
 users of catnip can expect a shortened attention span, decreased motivation, 
 memory lapses and a receding hairline (this, for cats, can be a serious 
 problem).  Cats who indulge in this dangerous drug frequently become too
 lazy to go out after birds and grow lax in their daily grooming habits.
 They take to hanging out with other cats in the neighborhood and often form
 vocal groups, to the displeasure of anyone within hearing range.
 Consequently shoes and other items are thrown at them, resulting in many
 injuries.

        Why do cats allow themselves to wallow in the catnip culture?  Sure
 there are some kicks, some highs.  But why would a cat slip into the 
 self-destructive pattern of doing catnip every day?  Following, some cat 
 owners bitterly related how their felines first became hooked: 

        "...It was mostly out of boredom.  Until he discovered catnip, all he
 used to do was stare out the window and catch a few mice."  Panna Ogale, 
 Brooklyn, New York 

        "...it was the superstar syndrome.  After that first commercial,
 Morris soon found that no other roles were opening up for him.  He felt
 betrayed as an actor.  He'd had a taste of fame, but he felt it was all
 fluff and no substance.  Then his agent skipped town and Morris seemed to
 drop out of sight.  He started to get heavily into ‘nip' to ease the
 pressure of being known as a one-commercial wonder" - J. Edgar Worthington
 IIIrd, owner of the late, great "Morris" - Los Angeles, CA 

        "I think Binky got tired of eating the same kind of cat food every
 day.  She used catnip as an escape from reality.  I tried some but it didn't
 do a thing for me--I guess you got to have fur."   Prunella Frigstone, New
 Haven, CT 

        "After Tiger had kittens, she got into a funk--you know, the post-
 natal depression thing.  So I gave her a little catnip to get her out of it.
 Then she wanted more and more... soon I had to steal to support her habit."
 Mary Donnelly, Brooklyn, New York 

        "Sebastion was having a difficult time after his operation.  He just
 couldn't accept being neutered.  I started giving him ‘nip to take his mind 
 off the operation.  Soon he was addicted."  Joyce Keller, Long Island, N.Y. 

        Most owners were ashamed to give their names.  But Hilda Hanze owned
 up to her part in getting her cat hooked on ‘nip.  "My cat's always been on
 the sensitive side.  He was first traumatized when we named him Rover, which
 traditionally had been a dog's name.  We all thought it was cute at the
 time, but I guess we didn't consider his feelings.  Then when my daughter
 Annie went off to college, he got so lonely.  I gave him some catnip to
 improve his mood.  Before I knew what was going on, he was hooked.  One day
 my daughter came home for a visit and Rover was so out of it, he didn't even
 recognize her."

        And don't think only common alley cats are catnip abusers.  This
 wide-ranging epidemic has spread to the better neighborhoods, the finer 
 breeds.  Boredom, depression, the search for a thrill.  When a cat gets into 
 it, the world seems rosy for awhile...that first toot is a rush.  After
 that, then what?  Is it worth the kicks to become an addict, a shell of a
 cat?  Loss of memory, motivation, and fur is a high price to pay for a
 little diversion.  Even the corner pet store has turned into a head shop,
 with catnip readily available and catnip paraphanelia displayed openly on
 shelves.  Cats of all ages, even little kittens are getting wasted.  We urge
 pet owners to ban catnip.  When your cat meows for a little fun, please,
 JUST SAY NO. 

 - Ellen Marie Gorman Lichtmacher 
 Author, Humor Column - Queens Chronicle 
 Comedy Writer / Humor Consultant 
 (718) 595-6652 

        Ellen Marie Gorman Lichtmacher is President & Founder of FCAMB
 (female comics against male bashing) and is proud to report we now have 3
 members!

        She also teaches a course at the Learning Annex in N.Y.C. "How to
 Enter the Witness Protection Program, Even if you Haven't Seen Anything,
 Just to Get Into a Better Neighborhood."    

        She is currently under clinical treatment for referring to herself in
 the third person when submitting articles to e-zines. 

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  '                                                                        ' 
 `   anada271   by Ellen Gorman, aka Funnigerl5     (c) 2001 anada e'zine   `
