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     '                                                                  '
    '   anada         "Some Things I've Just Never Liked"        13 jan  '
   '     260                     by Phairgirl                     2001    '
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        I don't like to run around saying that the whole world is a
 conspiracy or any of that nonsense.  I'm not into talking out of my ass and
 sounding like a silly Oliver Stone type that can't get a grasp on reality
 and let the past GO.  But... you have to wonder sometimes about all of that
 conspiracy nonsense that comes and goes, time after time.  I do honestly
 think that SOME things I've seen and what not can't possibly exist and
 happen the way they do because of grand coincidence.  Someone's trying to
 mess up my life, and yours, too.  I'm not sure why -- I'm still trying to
 figure that one out myself -- but some of the things we accept as normal,
 regular, or simply in that category of "irritating" just aren't right.

        I'm not talking about sporadic that-dog-hates-me-and-intentionally-
 poops-on-my-lawn-every-day kinda thing.  I'm talking about grand schemes
 that affect everyone as a whole.  They're not really all that big of a deal
 when it comes right down to it, but there are some things I've just never
 liked.

        1.  Cassette leader tape and pauses long enough for a whole nother
 song:  I've always considered leader tape to be the most irritating thing
 in the entire known universe, as it has always caused me as a child to have
 to try re-taping things a thousand times until I caught the whole song on
 the black/brown part of the tape.  That always involved taking the tape out
 and winding it with your finger.  Joy.

        But that's not all with this cassette thing.  Did you ever notice
 that one side of a tape is ALWAYS longer than the other?  Sometimes by a
 LOT?  Hell, sometimes they even printed right on the tape that one side is
 longer than the other to "preserve continuity."  Yeah, whatever.  Not only
 does that not make sense or anything, but I don't believe it.  It's the
 record company's way of making us pay more by including way too much
 cassette tape.  Find your band and make them record another song, dammit.

        2.  The Windows start-up screen:  I've heard many a time that this
 screen stays up longer than it needs to stay up for no reason other than for
 Bill Gates to be a prick and to make our computers take even LONGER to boot
 up.  My computer already takes six years to boot up, and it's only a year
 old.  I even did that trick where you can supposedly lose the bonus time
 that the screen stays up, and I swear it made no difference.  What's going
 on behind that screen?  I'd rather see shit scrolling by and know that my
 computer was actually DOING SOMETHING than see the dumb Windows start-up
 screen.  Note; the start-up screen actually bothered me so much that I
 replaced it.  Some people do that to be cute and amusing.  I did it so that
 I didn't throw a hammer through my monitor.

        3.  Candy like Runts, Skittles, and others that always have to
 include a flavor that tastes like a butt and have more of them than any
 other flavor:  This really pisses me off.  After Halloween this year, we
 had a lot of extra Bottle Caps candy.  I would open 6 packages at a time,
 hoping for the elusive Cherry bottle cap.  Wouldn't you know it.  Each
 package has 6 caps, so that's 36 caps total, right?  Then WHY would 12 of
 them be fucking COLA, and 10 of them be ROOT BEER, 7 of them be GRAPE, 4 of
 them be ORANGE and THREE CHERRY?  Orange tastes better than grape, and grape
 is only somewhat edible, but the others are completely nasty... except for
 cherry.  Cherry is the only one with any semblance of flavor.  And those
 bastards gypped me every time.  Just like the overabundance of grape
 Skittles (and lack of lime and cherry) and the plethora of banana runts (but
 where are all the lime and cherry there?  We get FOUR?  Fuck you, runts).

        4.  Good radio stations that feel the need to put your most hated
 song in heavy rotation:  I know for a fact that stations do this just to
 piss me off.  I live in Iowa.  We have about ten radio stations total
 (which is a lot more than some of our neighboring towns) and so my options
 are limited between country, oldies, soft rock, top 40, big band, talk, and
 classic rock.  I opt for the classic rock stations so that I don't have to
 listen to the Backstreet Boys or Mariah Carey.  However, that doesn't
 guarantee that I'll be free of my FIVE MOST HATED SONGS OF ALL TIME.  Well,
 it guarantees me free of "All By Myself," but not of "Katmandu," the second
 worst song ever made.  And lately, my favorite classic rock station has had
 the habit of playing that awful song every time I want to sleep -- and it
 wakes me up every morning.  Why do they do this to me?  If I complained to
 them, I bet they'd replace it with "Ramblin' Man," and oh christ... it only
 gets worse from here.  Why not put more DIRE STRAITS and KISS into rotation
 while you're at it?  Cuz you know, I just am not COMPLETELY sick of their
 music yet.

        5.  All that sticker tape on CDs and DVDs:  Yesterday, I bought The
 Big Lebowski on DVD (kick ass).  However, in order to get it open, I had to
 first unwrap the plastic covering.  Then, I had to remove the sticker across
 the top of the case with the title on it.  Then, I had to remove the sticker
 across the SIDE of the case that said "Security Device Enclosed," and THEN
 I had to remove ANOTHER sticker across the BOTTOM of the case which said the
 same thing that the one on the SIDE did.  Only then could I get to my
 precious Dude.  Bastards.  Of course, though, it don't matter to Jesus.

        I understand "theft deterrency" and all that good jazz.  But come on!
 Even in my worst days of shoplifting Back In The Day, sticker tape didn't
 stop me.  Sure, it slowed me down, but nobody keeps track of how long you're
 in the fitting rooms.  Someone out there just doesn't want us to watch these
 movies or to listen to this music.  Do they put theft deterrents like that
 on the hits of ANNE MURRAY??  BEETHOVEN??  RICHARD SIMMONS VIDEOS??  Maybe
 some, but none so severe as the mangled mess I had to peel away to get to
 American Pie.  It just isn't right.

        6.  No COOTIE:  This Christmas, all I wanted was the game Cootie.  It
 was my favorite game when I was about four.  It ruled: you roll dice and
 according to what you roll, you get to put parts on your cootie.  You win
 when you have a whole cootie, right?  Well for crying out loud, this year
 some BASTARDS decided to market ELECTRONIC COOTIE.  I'm not going to pretend
 that I know what that is or what it does.  All I know is that it's
 electronic, which means there will be no putting together or taking apart of
 bug pieces (unless this is a game designed for budding electrical
 engineers).  They fucked up Cootie, folks.  I didn't get to get Cootie for
 Christmas.  Why?  Because the original game was selling for $7 last year,
 but ELECTRONIC COOTIE sells for $30.  Those fuckers.  They messed up my
 Christmas just for an extra few bucks.  It's not the same game.  It makes
 me want to cry.  And they only did it when I decided I wanted it.

        Also in this vein is Ms. Potato Head, which I DID get for Christmas
 this year.  Her eyes are stuck together.  Mr. Potato Head's eyes used to be
 nice and small and swallowable.  Not to mention the greatest travesty of all
 time, when Fisher Price decided to make Little People BIG.  They used to be
 all tiny and cute and fit on my fingers, and I would suck on their heads.
 All of my Little People had teethmarks on their heads.  That's how I could
 distinguish they were MINE.  Now, fuck, you couldn't get them in your mouth
 if you were a kindergarten blowjob queen.  (Okay, maybe that was a bit over
 the line, but I'm getting really pissed off here.)  SCREW CHILD SAFETY.  I
 don't believe it for a minute.  Did I die?  No.  Sure, one or two kids did,
 maybe.  Fuck them, it's nature's way of weeding out the weak.  Little People
 were a lot more fun when they fit inside the mooing barn.  What supreme
 asshole took this away from the children of today?  Who is out to ruin the
 children of America?  SPEAK UP, MAN, SO I CAN LYNCH YOU.

        I don't know what else to say.  Someone out there is slowly ruining
 my life.  They're ruining EVERYONE'S lives.  It makes me cry to remember all
 of my sharp-edged toys, CDs in longboxes, blank tapes from the early '80s
 with no leader tape at all (my dad had them, they do exist), the quick-
 booting Apple IIc, and everything else that has since been ruined in this
 world.  And it's only going to get worse, you do realize this.  This is only
 the beginning.  Tomorrow I'm gonna go buy The Basketball Diaries on DVD and
 the package won't fit in the shopping cart.  Kids' toys will be the same
 size as the kids with no removable parts.  You will be able to buy bags of
 banana-only Runts.  Good radio stations will have FOGHAT weekends.

        Sob.
                                                                            
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  '                                                                        ' 
 `   anada260   by Phairgirl                        (c) 2001 anada e'zine   `
