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          A          "The Death of a Marriage"         aNAda #23   A
        A                                                            A                                                            
     A                        by Nana                  03/09/00         A
 A                                                                          A
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        My marriage is dying.  Or maybe I should tell the truth and say it's
 already dead, it's just taken me a long while to recognize the corpse for
 what it is.

        I feel like such a failure.  I had grown up believing in "until death
 do you part" and that if I tried hard enough that I could make it work.  And
 believe me, I tried.  I tried for years past the point where anyone else
 would have called it quits.  I blindly held on to the hope that tomorrow
 would be different, that with hard work and cheerful stubbornness I could
 outlast the bad times and make everything better.

        I lived through drug addictions and alcohol abuse, poverty and
 unemployment.  I suffered silently (and sometimes not so silently) through
 bullying and mental abuse, all the while thinking that someday this would
 run its course, that things would get better, that I just hadn't come across
 the magic cure yet, but firmly believing that with enough love and patient
 understanding that I could fix everything and make it all better.

        How arrogant of me to think I was that powerful, that I could single-
 handedly save this marriage between two people all by myself.

        I hopefully believed the promises of "I can change" and of the ones
 that started with "I really mean it this time".  I turned a deaf ear to all
 the lies and pretended for months at a time that everything was OK, blindly
 refusing to see the truth staring me in the face.

        I accepted without complaint (most of the time) the realization that
 I had be the responsible one, that my families financial and emotional
 support rested solely upon my shoulders.  I ignored what this marriage with
 doing to me and the example being set for my daughters, firmly believing I
 didn't have the right to deprive my daughters of their father, not seeing
 that he was already depriving them of a father by his actions.  And still
 believing in that fairy tale that someday we would live happily ever after.

         One day I looked across the room and realized I could not picture
 forever with this man, that whatever we once had in common (I can't remember
 it now, but there must have been something once) was gone and the only thing
 we had in common was these beautiful children.  I knew then that forever
 wasn't going to happen, but still believed I could hold things together
 until the kids were grown.  So I gave in, followed his wishes and did
 whatever he wanted in order to keep the peace.  I began to dream of the
 future when I could finally be free, still giving up the present in hopes of
 someday.

        Just recently I discovered that not only was my marriage dying, but I
 was dying inside also.  The years of giving in and being agreeable to keep
 the peace were taking their toll on my soul, my spirit, my strength.  I was
 becoming a shadow of the person I used to be and realized if I didn't make a
 change soon, I would no longer have the strength and determination to make a
 change or to live with it.

        So I finally mentioned that "D" word, knowing that if I didn't act
 soon, I would be lost forever.  He, of course, was completely shocked,
 having mistaken my silence of the last few years for contentment.  He ranted
 and raved, which intensifed my resolve.  Then he begged and cried, which
 tore my heart apart.  I tried my best to stand firm, resisting the urge to
 comfort this man with whom I had shared so much of my life, knowing that if
 I gave in to my desire to console him, I would be trapped forever.  All the
 while, I was silently berating myself for being such a cold, heartless bitch
 who could cause so much pain and suffering.

        I don't know how it ends, I haven't gotten there yet.  But I do know
 there's no turning back now, that once the rotting corpse of my marriage was
 exposed to the light of day, it became impossible to deny it for what it
 was.  Pretending that everything is okay, that this marriage can be saved,
 is no longer possible.  It's time for the funeral now, to put what is long
 dead finally to rest.  Time to begin the grieving period, to accept that
 sometimes death is unavoidable, that life will go on and that hopefully I
 can come out of this with my soul, myself, while deeply scarred, still
 intact.  Time to realize that although I couldn't prevent or deny this
 death, that I have saved myself, that I will survive to live and laugh again
 someday and perhaps someday to love and be happy at long last.


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 {  (c)2000 aNAda e'zine *                            * aNAda023 * by Nana  }
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