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 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .         "Sleepless Night of Life"
 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .
  . . .  .   .   . . .  . . .  . . .           by Michael Vitanza


  . . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

        Okay.  Here we go.  Ah feels nice.  Darkness and cold blankets my old
 friends.  How nice to feel you once again.  No..  No responsibility, I don't
 want you tonight.  Why?  You penetrate without replacing.  You violate
 without explanation.  You take without fulfilling.  I want something of my
 youth.  I need something of my youth.  I want love.

        You know that unconditional love?  One of giving without taking,
 without baggage or superficial beginnings, of admiration, loyalty, warmth
 and sacrifice?  That sort of love that isn't encouraged through physical
 appearance, pornography or a keyboard.  You know that girl of my youth?  The
 one I grew up, who filled my world and every thought.  A girl I shared life
 with, during all our changes to adulthood.  Innocence in all its beauty
 caressing me for who I am, not for what I'm supposed to be.  Yes.  That
 warmth, of just a touch, of purpose, honesty and sincerity.  Those first
 love... that special... irreplaceable... love..........................

        "Karen, What are you doing walking in this storm?"

        "I missed my ride at school. Its snowing so hard I figured I better
 walk".

        "Well hop in I'll give you a ride home".

        "God, thank you so much. I haven't seen it snow like this in years."

        "You're carrying all those books too!"

        "Yeah, Mr. Palanski is drowning us in home work"

        "I don't have him.  I got Mr. Kaufman".

        "Tomorrow, after homeroom, I have science Lab, then right to biology,
 trig and then old Mr. Palanski and a Spanish test". 

        My god she is so beautiful.  I have loved this girl since the day I
 laid eyes on her as kids.  She is your classic country girl.  Karen wasn't
 very tall, but she has beautiful shoulder length black hair.  Her faded
 jeans and blue cotton sweater did little to hide her budding figure.  She
 wore a white cotton turtleneck underneath her sweater which highlighted her
 ivory skin.  Her crystal blue eyes and rosy cheeks were the only color this
 girl would ever need to highlight her naturally beautiful facial features.
 How I longed to feel her body on top of mine, feeling her warmth on my skin.
 To smell her hair as it dangled over my chest and face as she whispered.

        "Michael, slow down its very slippery out," she said, as her hand
 gripped my leg just above my knee.

        "Don't worry Karen I wouldn't let anything happen to you."  GOD.  I
 can't believe I just said that.  Her hand was still on my knee.  The snow
 was really coming down now, blanketing everything.  There were no more roads
 or lawns, sidewalks, or other cars for that matter.  Trees stood as towering
 snowmen lining the path of our sleigh.  Its beauty was enhanced by the
 feeling of isolation it provided, alone in a world of white.

        I pulled up in front of her house and put the car in park.  We could
 hear the blistering wind through the cracks at the top of the windows, as
 snow quickly build on the windshield.  Her hand had left my knee as she
 began to zip up her coat and gather her books.

        "Gosh Karen, I'm glad I ran into you.  I can't imagine you walking
 home in this with all those books."

        "Me too, Michael.  Thank you so much."

        "Listen, if your not busy Friday night you want to go watch the
 basketball game at the school?"

        "Oh I would love to."

        "Great!  Why don't I give you a ride home after school on Friday, and
 we can decide then what time to go."

        "Super!  You better get going or your never going to get out of here.
 You'll have to spend the night!"

        We were starring right into each other's eyes and I knew what had to
 come.  I slowly leaned towards her still looking into those crystal blue
 eyes.  I began to close my eyes as I felt her warm breath on my mouth.  She
 leaned forward and put her hand once again on my leg and I.. I..

        "Daddy?"

        NO.  No, I'm not finished.

        "Daddy, I'm scared."

        "Honey, what are you doing up?"

        "I had a bad dream."

        "It's okay sweetie, come see daddy.  Yeah give me a big hug.  I'm
 going to get you a drink and then I'll lie down with you for awhile, okay?
 That's my baby girl."

        Wow it's late.  I need to get some sleep.  Sheets are cool again.  I
 know my kids need me.  I am scarred though.  I need to be held.  There's so
 much work and so much responsibility.  God?  Yes, I know him and all the
 ways I have failed him.  It's just that there is so little of me left to go
 around.  It's not his unconditional love I'm after.  It seems so distance at
 times.  I realize he is my final mate.  His perfection seems like a
 stumbling block to me.  Do I love him?  Yes, very much.  I wonder if he
 loves me.  When I feel I've done my best, those whom say, they love him, say
 you must try harder.  I lack faith.  May be.  I'm not asking for a lot.
 Just to get through the next day.  I could not survive if he was to leave
 me.  I thank him for my survival. I thank him for all that I've had and do
 have.  I don't want to just survive.  I want to live.

        Money, you are not welcomed here.  I'm trying to sort a few things
 out.  Yes, I'm well aware I can't live without you but tonight you cannot be
 in my bed.  I don't like you money.  Leave with the responsibility that
 accompanies you.  You don't fool me.  Just give me another cool spot amongst
 the sheets.  Yes, like that.  Feels nice.  Feels.  very.  very.  nice.

        "I got home as quick as I could. How is he?"

        "His fever is really high, it's over 105."

        "Did you call your mother?"

        "Yes, she thinks he has pneumonia."

        "Again? My god, it's the third time!"

        "I know Michael, but he's never been this sick before.  Should I call
 911?"

        "No, it will be quicker if I just take him to the ER."

        "I'm going with you."

        "No Susan, you stay here with the baby."

        "Mike I'm scared.  Look at him he's so lethargic and his breathing is
 so labored."

        "Susan, he's burning up.  I'm taking him now.  I will call you after
 I talk to the doctors."

        "Mike tell him I love him so much and mommy will be here for him."

        "Susan, don't cry.  He'll be fine.  I'll call you.  Check on the
 baby."

        Thank god traffic is light.  "Hang on son.  We will be there
 shortly."  I can't believe at the age of three this kid has had pneumonia 3
 times.  Susan was right though.  He has never been this sick.  I drove right
 into the emergency parking area, took my son and walked right into the ER.
 They took him in right away.  An IV was started as the nurses examined him
 closely.

        "Fever's too high." said a nurse.

        "Dr. Bradley we have a male child approximately 3 years old, high
 fever, lethargic with labored breathing."

        "OK, lets get him up to x-ray and let's see what his lungs look like.
 Start him on Tylenol and call me with the results."

        I watched as they wheeled him to x-ray wondering what I would do if
 something should happen to my boy.  I don't think I could handle that.  A
 parent should never have to bury a child.  Susan would be destroyed.  The
 look on her face as I walked out the door I cannot shake.  She was scared,
 so very scared as if she knew something I didn't.  I began to feel cold,
 unsure.  I wanted to see my son.  Just then I saw the doctor walking slowly.
 "Excuse me, Doctor?  Doctor please, I need to talk to you.  Sir, please.  Is
 everything alright?"  Where did he go?  I can't find him!  Where is he?
 Where. where is .my.. my

        WHAT?  My God I can't breathe!  SHIT..  What's happening?  SHHHHHHH..
 Shhhhhhhhh...You're OKAY.  You're okay.  NO, NO.  What happens if something
 happens to me?  What's going to happen to my kids?  Damn, my heart's beating
 a mile a minute.  Relax, you're okay.  Breathe.  Breathe.  You know you
 should take well care of yourself.  You'd be better off.  Yeah..  No shit.
 Sorry for my poor coping skills.  You're right though, cutting out the booze
 and the cigarettes would definitely help.  They bother me.  Who am I to be
 raising these kids by myself?  Christ if I were worth my salt I wouldn't be
 alone would I?  What time is it?  Why is it the night moves so slowly and
 the morning comes so quickly?

        Must be my fault.  It's got to be my fault or I wouldn't be alone.
 Why am I alone?  My faults?  Yes, I have faults, but it hasn't caused me to
 abandon my kids!  They say it was the drugs.  I don't buy that.  She was
 always a great mother.  Did I fail my wife?  Well, she's not here!  I could
 not fail her unless I've failed myself.  I am only what my wife made me.
 What is that you ask?  I don't know.  Incomplete, I guess.

        I'm falling.  No, you're not.  Yes, I am, I'm falling.  You're
 dreaming.  You'll be all right.  You're not going to die.  I'm not falling
 from a building, but from the grace of God!  I'm falling!  Who will catch
 me?  I need more cold blankets.  The darkness is not enough.  It must be
 cold.  Shhhhh, you're okay.  No, I'm cold.

        I remember, as a boy, my pleasure and pains were so simple.  What
 changed?  Did I change or did my education change me?  I remember when my
 first child was born.  I held him as he opened his eyes for the first time.
 Do you know what I saw in his eyes as he looked at me?  Tranquility, peace,
 and eternity.  I saw no pain, hunger, uncertainty, wants, emotions, or fear.
 Here was that nirvana between life and death where intelligence played no
 role.  The line separating the two was nonexistent.  Harmony.  What has he
 embarked on since?  What is he to gain from that point on?  Man's own folly,
 I believe.

        It's hot in here.  I really must concentrate.  Everything is fine.
 Think too much.  Enjoy the quite.  The peace.  Who am I?  Peace.  What is
 it?  Is it wisdom, understanding?  Would anybody understand me?  Do I
 understand myself?  I'm not afraid to die.  Yet I'm afraid of death.  Is it
 the finality life imposes it to be?  Or is it real freedom.  Freedom from
 everything I've been taught.  Freedom from everything I fear.  Its cost
 seems incomprehensible.  Why?  Love, that's why.  Can I love while dead?
 Can I be loved?  Will I have my children?  I must always have my children.
 God, I'm told will love me.  I hope so.  I will love him back.  My children
 love me.  I take care of them.  That is the source of there love.  Who will
 love me for me?  If not the mother of my own children, then who?  Can there
 possibly be another?

        I'm so hot.  Why do I have so many damn covers?  The woman at the
 grocery store was so nice to me today.  She had beautiful eyes.  I wonder if
 she liked me?  She seemed to.  I can imagine her caressing me.  She seemed
 to care.  It would be nice.  You're dreaming now.  GOOD!  I need to dream.
 Relax, you, always got tomorrow.  Sleep.

        "Mom?  It's me, Michael.  I wanted to give you a quick call.  I have
 something to tell you."

        "Everything alright?"

        "Everything is fine.  Mom, I'm getting married.  I'm going to marry
 Susan."

        "Oh Michael, I am so happy for you.  You know I've always liked
 Susan."

        "I just think it's time, mom.  I know I haven't known her very long
 but I am 28 years old and I want to have a family."

        "Michael, I assume you're marrying her because you love her, not
 because you're 28 years old."

        "Yes I do."

        "You know Mike who she reminds me of?  Remember that girl in high
 school you dated for a while?  Karen, I think her name was."

        "Yes mom, I remember."

        "She was such a pretty girl.  She reminds me of Karen.  When's the
 wedding?"

        "Soon, mom. We're doing this quickly."

        "Well, I'll be there, son.  I'll be there, Ill be there, I'll be
 there, I'll be there..."

        What!  What's that?  Christ, the alarm.  Morning already?  Shit I
 can't believe it.  What?  Oh no. "Okay Honey, I'm coming."  My God, another
 day. I wonder if the boys are up?  It's okay.  How am I going to do
 everything I need to do today?  What's it like outside today?  Hot or cold,
 I can't tell.  Relax, everything is okay.  I'm so tired though.  I'll try
 again tonight.  I'll always have tonight. Yes, just keep remembering the
 sheets.  Those comforting cool sheets.

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  .           anada 140            by Michael Vitanza  (c)2000 anada e'zine .
      
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