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 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .             "Jason on Religion"
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  . . .  .   .   . . .  . . .  . . .                 by Jason


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        God hates us. 

        Oh what, a simple statement of truth based on BIBLICAL REVELATION
 isn't good enough for you?  You want REASONS?  Well fine.

        Reason 1: Tooth Nerves.  When the hell do you EVER use the nerves in
 your teeth?  What purpose can they possibly serve?  How do they make our
 lives better?  The only thing they do is hurt like a bitch when your teeth
 rot, something that wouldn't happen if our teeth were made out of stainless
 steel.  God hates us.

        Reason 2: The Appendix.  This is an organ whose sole purpose is to
 kill you, slowly and painfully.  God hates us.

        Reason 3: Lawyers.  When the Egyptians pissed God off, they got off
 easy.  All they got was the Nile turning to blood, frogs, flies, disease,
 hailstones, and the deaths of all first borns (granted that would suck for
 me, but I'm talking generalizations here).  WE get plagued with LAWYERS!
 And what did we do to deserve it?  At least give us a hint!  God hates us. 

        Reason 4: Politicians.  Worse than lawyers.  God hates us. 

        Reason 5: Everything that makes you feel good kills you.  EVERYTHING!
 Fatty foods, sex, jumping off of buildings, whatever!  If it tastes good,
 looks good, smells good, sounds good, or feels good, you're dead. 

        And the coup de grace for proof that God has it in for us: His most
 ardent adherents are some of the most dangerous and/or irritating people on
 the whole planet!  Gunslinging Christians, suicide bomber muslims, Jehovah's
 Witnesses, Pat Roberts, ALL A BUNCH OF LUNATICS!  Granted, this represents a
 small minority of the total number of religious people, but doesn't it seem
 to be a bit odd that two people can read the exact same words a draw
 radically different conclusions?  Take all of the sects in Christianity, for
 example.  Catholics and Protestants often don't get along even today, and
 Protestants fight among each other about who's right, even if they belong to
 the same damn sect!  Basically we have scores of religions that claim that
 if you don't belong to that particular religion, you are doomed to the fires
 of Hell or whatever.

        So where does that leave a big-picture painfully logical person like
 myself?  Well, call me a hell-bound heathen, but I'll take my chances with
 remaining non-commital until a burning bush talks to me AND I prove to be
 sane.

        I used to consider myself a mainstream Christian, back when I was
 young and stupid.  THEN I went to Grove City College, a bastion of rabid
 conservatism with a mindset generally stuck in the 1800's (just like their
 computer facilities).  That's when I learned what it REALLY meant to be a
 Christian, according to them anyway.  A REAL Christian doesn't DARE think
 about what the Bible says, but faithfully shuts off his/her brain and
 repeats the words of whatever person they've decided to allow interpret
 Scripture for them.  Their complete lack of cranial activity makes them
 immune to the gaping holes in their logic, even when you draw them a
 picture, so to speak.  If it's in the Bible, then by golly, it must be true,
 even if it's not in the Bible and that's just some weirdo's interpretation.
 Of course, their claims of spiritual purity rarely spill over into the
 conduct of their personal lives.  Jerks.  Morons.  Losers.  Pinheads.  No,
 I'm not bitter.  Idiots.

        Then there are those New Age religions, which are often worse.  Hey,
 if I want to base my life off an LSD-induced hallucination, I'll eat the
 shrooms myself, OK?  I'm not gonna trust some hack science fiction writer or
 a failed rock star to tell me what's what!

        So after one year of putting up with their constant conversion
 attempts, I washed my hands or organized religion forever, and religion in
 general soon after that.  Sure, I'll bet my left nut that there's a hell of
 a lot more out there than we can see and touch.  I lived in a haunted house
 for about 10 years so I know THAT much is real, and the universe got here
 SOMEHOW.  But, the diversity of "believe in this or you'll go to Hell"
 doctrines tends to make me believe that NOBODY has a clue and anybody who
 says that they do is just pissing in the wind.

        Judaism is my favorite religion, though.  They mind their own
 business, I've never been afraid of getting shot or blown up by a Jew, and I
 may be working for one someday so I'll be nice.  It's my favorite besides
 the Church of the SubGenius, that is.

        I am not anti-religious, far from it.  Religion is often the glue
 that holds communities together, no matter what form it takes, and may
 occasionally even affect people's behavior in a positive way.  I would
 therefore never try to convince anyone to drop their beliefs or faith,
 'cause it ain't easy living without any faith in anything.  So, uh, I guess
 that if your religious convictions are shaky you shouldn't have read this.
 It's those intolerant MORONS who can't stand it when people think or do
 things just a LITTLE different from them that piss me off, whether they're
 religious, fashion slaves, or whatever.

        That reminds me: While I was in Grove City, my then-girlfriend-
 turned-evil-backstabbing-'ho (but that's a different story) had to do some
 stupid paper on some religious topic.  She found some of the writings of
 John Calvin, that famous misanthropist contemporary of Martin Luther who, I
 believe, laid the groundwork for Presbyterianism (or however the hell you
 spell that damn word).  He wrote stuff like how God abhors us and looks on
 us like a hideous insect dangling over a fire that HE holds and could drop
 us at any second.  ANYWAY, what she found is that ol' Johnny boy said that
 sex is bad (typical), but that sex to have children was WORSE because it
 furthered the human filth upon the Earth!  Now if THAT isn't a radical
 departure from most religions, I don't know what is.  I think that guy had
 certain "issues" he had never quite worked out.

        God hates us.

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  .           anada 146                      by Jason  (c)2000 anada e'zine .
      
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