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 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .                "Frustrated"
 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .
  . . .  .   .   . . .  . . .  . . .              by AphexTwin23


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        Oh god forbid... I have sinned... Oh no I'm writing this in such a
 stereotypical form that it makes me want to be sick.  And I am such a
 hypocrite because I know I hate to be placed as a part of a group.  Pity me
 because I almost feel remorse... and this is such a whiny, cluttered,
 written about nothing, typical rant of a teenager.  Ha... here you have
 it...

        I wonder if it's ever become clear to anyone besides me that we are
 living in a world where we try so hard to impress one another.  That's the
 basis of our entire being... to hide who we really are.  We rely so much on
 what others think of us and try to shape ourselves to be what we are seen
 as.  We become so accustomed to this that we sometimes forget who we really
 are and then try our whole lives to find ourselves but we are too far from
 being found.  We have a dying need to belong and it's eating us whole.  We
 will do anything in our power to be loved.  We will wear clothes, listen to
 music, speak, and think in a way that is much like of those who are around
 us.  Just so that we can be accepted.  

        I have gained a new concept on life.  Do not trust anyone.  Also...
 never assume anything.  I think maybe that's my problem.  I allow myself to
 trust people too soon.  Too easily do I fall under their lies.  I sure would
 have been Gacy's perfect victim.  Gosh I am so easily manipulated... grr.
 But yet I am also good at manipulating others.  I guess it works both ways.
 But maybe not.  No, I'm a good person.  Anyways.  I meet people in my life
 all the time.  And I begin to open up to them, slowly unravel myself.  But
 as soon as I trust them, even a little bit, I melt into their hands.  I
 become their victim.  And they walk all over me because they can.  Because
 they know every little thing about me and I soon realize I don't know much
 about them.  And when I do it's much too late because they're not who I
 thought they were.

        And assumptions assumptions.  Isn't this a topic?  I assume someone
 is one way when they are the opposite.  I assume someone likes me when they
 would rather I be dead.  And this brings on paranoia.  Oh fuck... i am so
 paranoid.  And then I am hated.  Because I am so insecure and dying to be
 loved by the right people.  I ask millions of questions to make sure someone
 is still interested in me as a friend or whatever we have together.  And
 they get annoyed.  

        Oh gossip gossip gossip.  This is what gets us in trouble.  We love
 to dish out everything we dislike about people... and gossip gets all mixed
 up to the point where someone may say "I love her I want her" and then it
 gets back to the person as "I hope she dies".  I love the way communication
 works.  Haha.  And we end up hating each other based on what we hear from
 others.  We don't even take the time to see if it's true.  And what if it
 is?  It's just our thoughts expressed through words... what's so wrong with
 that?

        What is so wrong with honesty?  Hmm?  This is what I think of you...
 you are the best person I've ever met.  But yeah you can be a dick... but
 who isn't?  Why can't we do this?  I'm afraid we have no answers.  And once
 again I go unheard in a sea of madness.  

        Blah blah.  I've relieved myself of the anger.  I no longer hold it
 inside.  I'm done.

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  .           anada 125                by AphexTwin23  (c)2000 anada e'zine .
      
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