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    ####  ###                   "First Steps"                      ###       
     #######                  by Big Daddy Bill                            
      ####                                                                  

          "The black cloud has lifted for the night.  The pressures'
          fading away, now. 1000 cigarettes won't change the way we
          feel."
                 - Jay Gordon


	To be discovered, in an unnatural territory, is certainly a strange
 thing.  Like a fall leaf turned over during the spring.  It's not
 necessarily an evil thing, but sometimes it can be.  Especially if you never
 wanted to be discovered in the first place.

	I sat, stupified, on my living room floor, visualizing my addiction.
 My friend, Amanda, sat across from me, a concerned look on her face.  She
 told me there would be no forgiveness.  I was looked on as a crazy, obsessed
 stalker.  I needed to move on, to remember to forget my past, to forgive
 myself.  Maybe in ten years or so...

        That wasn't even the worst part.  I had brought it all on myself, my
 very own contradictions lay before me, smiling at me, telling me of the evil
 deeds that it has hidden for so very long.  I had no one left to blame, I
 had no accusations to make, except on my own head.  It's fair to say that I
 realized that the mistakes that I had made were indeed very major.

        Now as I slowly recovered from a high dose of Dextromethorphan, I saw
 everything that I had stumbled over.  I visualized me, as a giant form of
 life, eyes covered neatly with a black cloth.  I walked through reality,
 crushing and kicking and destroying all that lay before me.  Then, as I
 reached my point of revelation, and ripped my blindfold off, I saw the
 wanton destruction I had caused in my course through reality.  I also saw,
 as I looked around, that I was far off the path that had been laid out for
 me.  I looked forward, and viewed the huge mountain that I needed to climb
 to reach my beaten path.

        I realized I had a choice to make: put the blindfold back over my
 eyes, and forever be in this world of addiction and silence, or, stuff the
 cloth in my backpocket, or toss it over my shoulder, roll up my sleeves, and
 climb this monstrous obstacle that lay before me.  As far as I can say, I am
 choosing the latter.

        This is to say, that I'm in the works of trying to piece my life
 together.  I'm trying to mature myself and shake the addiction I've had.
 I'm trying to emotionally cure the chaos that I've been living in the past
 two years of my life.  I'm trying to learn from the mistakes and failures
 that have occurred in my brief past.  I'm also trying to forgive myself for
 the pain and humilation I put certain people through.  They know who they
 are, and this is to them, if they are reading this: Please know that the
 person you knew then is no longer the person I am now.  I've seen myself
 through your eyes, I've heard myself through your ears, and watched my
 actions on a proverbial giant-sized monitor.  There will never be enough
 apologies for what I have done, and although I will never forget what I've
 done to you, I won't forget what I've done to myself either.  I'm taking my
 first steps towards recouperation, and hopefully I will live to be as good
 of a person as you once thought I was.  I'll carry what you've taught me in
 myself forever, and though I will probably never speak to you again, I want
 you to know that you have changed me for the better.  I'm sorry.  I'm really
 very, very sorry.
	
	Now that I no longer live with constant thoughts of suicide,
 depression, and the self-hatred that my convictions have brought me, I hope
 that I can take the first important steps towards being a better person.  It
 would be nice to be successful.  I'm glad I was discovered.  And I'm glad
 that I got the chance to change things before the things changed me.

 ****************************************************************************
 # (c)2000 aNAda e'zine                     aNAda090 .*.  by Big Daddy Bill #
 ............................................................................
