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  . .   . . .    . .    . .    . .        "How To Punch An Annoying Person
 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .                In The Face"
 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .
  . . .  .   .   . . .  . . .  . . .              by Lachrymite


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        If you are anything like me, chances are, at some point in your life,
 you've been heavily annoyed by someone and have had the urge to punch them
 in the face.  However, you may have been held back by a number of factors.
 Perhaps you were afraid to due to social programming, that punching someone
 else in the face is generally a bad idea.  Perhaps you feared possible
 reprimand from law enforcement agents.  Or, perhaps you just aren't really
 sure how to deliver an effective punch which will make sure your opponent
 does not have the physical capability to counter-attack you.

        If that last reason is what has been holding you back from punching
 every idiot you see, fear not!  I will now instruct you, a novice in the
 ways of hand to hand combat, how to effectively punch an annoying person in
 the face, in such a way that you won't have to worry about them ever
 again... until they come after you with four friends and baseball bats.

        The first step in hitting someone with impact is to make sure they
 don't know it's coming.  Don't drop into some silly martial arts looking
 stance or anything, don't even put up your fists.  Just stand like you
 normally do, and don't give away any hints that you will be knocking several
 teeth out in a few moments.  Try to remain calm looking, and somewhat
 disinterested.

        Next, you need to be able to make a good fist.  The most important
 thing to remember, for those of you who don't know anything at all about
 fighting, is to never punch with your thumb on the inside of your fist, with
 fingers wrapped around it. This admittedly will make your punch stronger...
 however, it will also most likely break your thumb.  One of the greatest
 things about being human is the wonderous merit of our opposable digits.  I
 suggest you don't ruin yours to break some guy's nose.

        That being said, the standard fist is made by curling your fingers
 inward to your palm, and placing the thumb resting on the middle finger
 segment, rather than resting against the curl of the pointer finger.  While
 punching with a standard fist, it is extremely important to remember to keep
 your wrist completely straight, locked out, so that your knuckles and the
 back of your hand line up evenly with the back of your forearm.

        There are alternatives to the basic fist, for those of you who are
 already comfortable with this.  You can try the variant where you only bend
 the outmost two finger joints, and the joint connecting fingers to actual
 hand, the knuckle, is kept straight.  In this case, you would strike with
 the middle segments of your fingers.  You must keep your hand perfectly
 straight, having the back of your knuckles and your finger up to the middle
 joint in perfect alignment with the back of your hand and forearm.  This
 method has more potential damage, but I suggest you punch a few inanimate
 objects before you try hitting any people with it... the potential for
 injuring yourself with this fist is rather high.  There are other
 alternatives, such as striking with the palm, or the finger tips, or various
 other parts, but for pure nose-breaking power, these two should be
 sufficient.

        The third step, and most complicated part, is following the four
 rules of generating extra force in your punches.  These four rules are
 linear movement, marriage of gravity, torque, and body pivot.  By following
 these four rules, you can easily double the power of your punch.

        First, you need to follow the rule of linear motion.  A lot of times,
 when you see someone punch someone, they swing their fist from the outside
 inwards towards the opponent.  This is a bad idea.  Not only do you lose
 power with this technique, it is slower, more easily blocked, and makes it
 harder to defend yourself from incoming attacks.  The best method is to move
 your fist in as much of a direct line as possible, from where it is now to
 the face of the opponent.  Connect straight on, without wasting any time and
 energy with a roundhouse swing from the outside.  A direct punch is a lot
 more difficult to roll with, because instead of simply needing to turn your
 face to the side to deflect a large amount of the impact, you need to roll
 your head backwards, which can send you flying back if you are hit hard
 enough, and it will also open you to further attacks.

        The second principle of powerful punching, is marriage of gravity.
 This is actually a very simple concept to apply.  As you are punching, have
 your entire body drop slightly through a minor bending at the knees.  The
 slight downward motion helps you add more force to your punch.  Trust me, it
 works.

        Third, is the torque applied to the fist.  When you begin your punch,
 begin with your fist "sideways," so that it is vertical rather than
 horizontal, with your thumb near the top.  Then, while you are in the
 process of moving your fist through the air and towards the opponent, begin
 to rotate it so that when it connects, it connects in a horizontal position.
 It's pretty easy to do with a little practice, and the extra spin definitely
 hurts more, and the twisting has a higher chance to break a nose.

        The final principle you need to remember for the actual punch, is to
 pivot your entire body when you punch.  Don't just jab; if you followed the
 first rule well, the other guy doesn't know it's coming.  A jab will just
 disorient him for a second, and then he will know you want to fight.  The
 trick is to put everything you have into that first strong hit, so that he
 won't be able to counter.  To do this, shift your shoulders and, to a lesser
 degree, the trunk of your body, so that the shoulder of the arm you are
 punching with ends up pivoted out towards the opponent when the arm is fully
 extended.  Try to put some of your weight behind this pivot, but not too
 much, because you want to increase the power of the hit but not knock
 yourself off balance.

        Now, at this point, you've probably done some damage.  If you aimed
 for the nose, there's a good chance your broke it.  You might even cause the
 collapse of a cheekbone, though that might bruise your knuckles.  Stay away
 from hitting the forehead area, the skull is very thick and can hurt your
 knuckles a lot.  A hit to the eye will probably blacken it.  If the guy
 turned his head to try to avoid the brunt of the hit, you might hit him in
 the ear... this is good, being hit in the ear hurts a whole lot, plus it can
 cause deafness and knock the opponent off balance.  If the opponent was
 being annoying and talking while you hit him, and you hit him in the jaw,
 you might even punch his mouth closed, making him bite the tip of his tongue
 off in the process.  That will definitely end delusions he had of fighting
 back.

        In the case that you aren't sure he's down for good, remember;
 honorable fighters usually lose.  As soon as you see he isn't a whimpering
 little ball on the floor, start hitting him some more.  If you let him get
 up, you'll just have to defend yourself in a real fight, and you might
 actually get hurt... nobody wants that.  So, if your hit didn't knock him
 down, punch him again.  Try the stomach this time, or aim a little below the
 stomach but above the groin if he's drunk... this will make him piss
 himself.  Kicking out his legs work pretty well too.  I won't explain in
 detail how to kick, he's messed up enough right now that you don't really
 need to know what you're doing and you should be able to take him out.  Once
 he's down, if he's trying to get up, kick him in the face or stomach very
 hard.  Or stomp on him.  Just don't let him take you in an even fight.

        In the case you are too soft-hearted or stupid to follow the above
 advice, just remember that 99% of fights are resolved in less than ten
 seconds.  Also, the vast majority tend to follow the same routine, unless
 there are trained fighters involved; the two people immediately begin
 grappling, and use any free limbs to perform strikes.  Try not to get sucked
 into this routine.  A much more effective technique is to just strike the
 opponent very hard in the face whenever he tries to close in on you to
 grapple.  If you do it hard enough, he will just keep being driven off.
 Capitalize on this time to begin fighting dirty if you can.  Avoid grappling
 at all costs, unless you are a lot bigger than the other guy.  Just keep
 hitting him in the face.  This will let you win the fight.

        So just remember, next time an annoying person says something stupid,
 just follow these simple rules and punch him in the face.  You'll be happy
 you did, and so will everyone around you.  Violence is good like that.

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  .           anada 151                 by Lachrymite  (c)2000 anada e'zine .
      
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