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 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .     "80s WARS: Bon Jovi vs. Def Leppard"
 .   .   .   .  .   .  .   .  .   .
  . . .  .   .   . . .  . . .  . . .               by Phairgirl


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 *****  WELCOME TO '80s WARS: THE true test of what held up then, what  *****
 *****   holds up now, and what was a disease that hopefully the human  *****
 *****                       race will endure.                          *****

               TONIGHT'S CONTENDERS: Bon Jovi vs. Def Leppard.
                                Ding, Ding!


        This may be the most difficult decision of my life.

        The very first tape I EVER OWNED was Bon Jovi's _Slippery When Wet_.
 I mean, how do you compete with that?  It was the VERY FIRST.  It was all
 that I had to listen to until I bought a Bananarama tape.  And really--
 during that summer, you couldn't walk two paces without hearing "Livin' On
 A Prayer" coming from SOMEWHERE.  Bon Jovi was KING.

        In sixth grade, my hormones started flowin', and Bon Jovi moved from
 just being my favorite rock n' roll band to the object of my constant drool.
 Jon Bon Jovi had the HAIR.  He had the SMILE.  He had the CLOTHES.  There
 was no stopping Jon.  He was a complete GOD.

        And the songs... oh, the songs.  What long-hair-obsessed, hard-rock-
 lovin' girl could resist anything from "You Give Love A Bad Name" to "Lay
 Your Hands On Me?"  I'll never forget it, I was at sixth grade camp over my
 birthday, and I was upset because I was away from home.  And what should
 happen but all the girls in my cabin start singing "I'll Be There For You."
 Suddenly, everything just seemed a little better.

        They had _Slippery When Wet_.  They had _New Jersey_.  They did a
 song for a YOUNG GUNS movie.  Then they released that SACK OF SHIT album,
 _Keep The Faith_, although that torrid crap is exempt from this debate due
 to its '90s release (and the fact that I really like their new album won't
 give them bonus points, either). But back in the day, there was never much
 in my mind that could compete with Bon Jovi.  And then along came "Pour Some
 Sugar On Me."

        Def Leppard was the second band to ever grace my walls.  I wasn't so
 much sweet on Joe Elliott as I was on Rick Savage.  Oh man, that big fuzzy
 head of hair and those puppy dog eyes.  Ohhhh yeah.  But then again, Joe
 had those KICK ASS JEANS.  You know the ones.  He was soooo cool.

        I hadn't really heard much of _Pyromania_ at the time or any of their
 other earlier releases (or, at least, I didn't recognize those songs as
 being Def Leppard's given their habit of releasing albums every four years).
 However, once _Hysteria_ started up the charts, I was in heaven.  I actually
 knew some of the words to "Sugar."  And I thought I had died and gone to
 heaven the first time I heard "Love Bites."  Man.  "Love Bites."  That song
 is fucking AMAZING.  I still insist "Rocket" is one of the catchiest grooves
 of its era, and damn near everything they have done is just MADE for the
 radio.

        Granted, much like Bon Jovi, the '90s weren't good to Def Leppard.
 Bon Jovi did better commercially, but that doesn't make it good.
 _Adrenalize_ was lucky to have three listenable songs on it, and _Slang_ was
 just kinda... weird, like Smashing Pumpkins came in and took over Def Lep
 for a while.  At least _Euphoria_ kicks ass though, much like how Bon Jovi
 managed to somehow come back with something decent.  And although I'm not
 counting any of this against or for them, at least they're balanced with the
 competition on this one.

        Who should win this battle?  In many ways, Def Leppard easily
 triumphs.  Bon Jovi could rock, but Def Leppard could GROOVE.  Bon Jovi
 could sing songs about love and yearning, but Def Leppard would feel the
 PAIN.  Jon Bon Jovi dated the same chick since high school and eventually
 married her, but Def Leppard had sex with EVERY SINGLE GIRL IN THE UNIVERSE.
 All of them.

        But then again, Bon Jovi never had some retarded band members that
 drank themselves to death, drove like maniacs until they lost their arm, or
 took FOUR FUCKING YEARS TO RELEASE AN ALBUM.  Plus, they had Tommy and Gina.
 Those two crazy kids are never gonna die!

        As much as I hate to have to choose (and as much as I am dying to
 completely rip on a goodly chunk of CRAP these bands both released in the
 '90s), I have to say Def Leppard takes the cake.  As much as I adore "Wanted
 Dead or Alive," one superb song just can't stand up with some of the amazing
 stuff the Leps managed to lay down for us.  Bon Jovi, much like their New
 Jersey home, might be a lot more FUN than Def Leppard, but fun won't add you
 to my list of 100 Songs I Never Get Sick Of Hearing and just can't compete.

        I'm sorry, Bon Jovi.  Don't worry, I still love you.

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  .           anada 175                  by Phairgirl  (c)2000 anada e'zine .
      
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