                                                                  #
 anada   "Jason on                                                #          
 212         Invisibility"             +###           +###    +####    +###  
                                      #    #  #  #   #    #  #    #   #    # 
                                by   #     #  # ##  #     #  #    #  #     # 
 12                          Jason   #    .#  ## #  #    .#  #   .#  #    .# 
 nov                                  *###  * #   *  *###  * *###  *  *###  *
 2000 .+#################################################################.net

        So this past weekend my parents braved the treacherous journey across
 the wild Appalachian Mountains to visit me, their firstborn son and the
 grandest creation of the Universe yet to be conceived.  I did all I could to
 throw them off my trail, too.  It wasn't too bad, though.  I got to go
 digging around for family skeletons, trading barbs with my little brother,
 and trading dick jokes with my high-brow clan.  The height of my perversion
 was reached when we went to a classy Japanese restaurant and a noticed a
 quite attractive waitress.  "Hay baby," I said when I was a safe distance
 and far to quietly for anyone but my family to hear, "I've got a fat man for
 your Nagasaki!"  I followed this up with, "How'd you like to re-enact Pearl
 Harbor, except this time I've got the torpedo?"  I tried a few more, but
 those were the best.

        I can't believe I don't have a girlfriend.  I guess chicks just don't
 like a guy with a sense of humor.

        So anyway, the combination of free-range humor and having recently
 seen _Hollow Man_ led to the discussion of the silliness and gross
 impractibility of invisibility.  I first looked at it in practical terms.
 I figured that as you ate and old cells sloughed off, you would gradually
 replace all of the invisible atoms with visible ones.  Water would be a
 particular problem, since it's expelled and replaced at a very fast rate.
 Sure it's colorless, but also refractive, so you'd show up as a glistening
 person-shaped glob of water.  That would look cool.  My more artistic and
 not nearly as cognitively-oriented brother insisted that the food and water
 would magically stay visible as it passed through, atoms being sucked into
 the body turning invisible and ones being expelled becoming visible.  Pure
 bullshit (if you'll pardon the pun), but even if it were possible, you
 wouldn't be able to do anything until it was completely out of your system,
 so you'd have to quit eating for two solid days, and that assumes there were
 no floaters still in your gut!  Not really worth it, especially since all I
 would do is sneak into the chick's locker room.

        Other problems: As you walk around in the buff, you'll gradually
 accumulate a shell of dirt and dust the second you stepped out of the shower
 and dried off, so you'd never be completely invisible.  You also have the
 problem with your eyes.  Your cones and rods have to absorb light to
 interpret it, but if light goes right through, you'd be effectively blind.
 So you're invisible, AND blind!  What good would that be?

        Let's assume that complete invisibility as portrayed in _Hollow Man_
 is possible, that the body makes all ingested atoms invisible, too.  It
 raises some interesting lifestyle problems.  Hair would be interesting.
 Shaving wouldn't be too bad, but it would be kinda hard.  Haircuts would be
 impossible.  "Why would my haircut matter?" you ask.  Well, I guess it
 wouldn't.  You would, however, be constantly growing and cutting off
 INVISIBLE HAIR!  I can see it now, when you plug up the drain with invisible
 gunk and people can't see any problem.

        More importantly, though, assuming that your food becomes invisible,
 how the hell would you wipe your ass??  I don't suppose you'd notice any of
 the invisible racing stripes in your underwear, but I'd definitely prefer to
 have a clean ass.  Also, how would I know I did a good job brushing my
 teeth?  Would the gunk show?  If I had a head cold, it would be refreshing
 to be able to blow my nose anywhere I wanted and not have anybody tell me to
 use a tissue.  What about the bacteria in your gut?  Have you just created
 an invisible strain of bacteria?  What about fingernails?  What about
 sunburn?  What about tattoos?  What if you need surgery?  What if you knock
 some chick up?

        What if you DIE?  People will smell something REALLY nasty, but not
 have any idea where it's coming from until the flies led them to it.  Would
 the maggots feeding off of your invisible flesh be invisible?  Would that
 cause a horde of invisible flies?  Would your bones be sitting there
 forever, invisible?

        I think I'd rather just be rich. 

 .+##########################################################################

 anada212 by Jason                                                   (c) 2000
 ###################################################################anada.net
